The Triad

by Sarah Ettritch

  “You’ve been moping around for a couple of days now. Talking about it might help.”

  Could she reveal something so awful to Papa, tell him that she wasn’t special to Mo, that their years together hadn’t mattered? Lesley had thought they had a bond that nobody else could touch, that their love was unique, that Mo couldn’t love anyone but her. A few days ago, she’d been one of a kind. Now she was one of a pair. Not so special, after all. And there was no going back to believing that she owned Mo’s heart. No more drawing on the strength of Mo’s love when she was feeling down, or someone was disappointed with her, or her day just wasn’t going well.

  During their separation Lesley had always hoped that, no matter what happened, she’d always hold a special place in Mo’s heart. They’d turned out to be Chosens, but she’d lost Mo anyway. She’d lost her.

  “Here,” Papa murmured, nudging her leg.

  When Lesley looked down at the handkerchief he offered, she realized she was weeping. Embarrassed, she mumbled a thank you and wiped her eyes.

  “Come sit down,” he urged. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

  Still dabbing at her eyes, she sat next to him and wondered how to start. There was no point dancing around it. “Mo has feelings for Jayne,” she said flatly, then stared at her lap and played with the handkerchief. She felt sorry for him. What was he supposed to say? He couldn’t make it go away or make her feel better.

  He set his tziva on the bench’s wide arm. “When did she tell you?”

  “She didn’t. I figured it out when they were over to discuss the Joining Ceremony.” Her voice sounded nasal, but if she blew her nose, she’d have to give up the handkerchief. “I know this sounds bizarre, but I don’t think she’s figured it out yet.”

  As she’d lain awake at night, Lesley had gone over her last few conversations with Mo. If Mo was aware of her feelings, wouldn’t they be ripping her apart inside? Wouldn’t she be torn between her growing feelings for Jayne and her love for Lesley? Or had Mo already stopped caring about her? No! Mo wasn’t a deceitful person. She couldn’t carry around a secret so huge without it affecting her demeanour. As far as Lesley could tell, nothing had changed between them. Mo was acting as she usually did and hadn’t come across differently in the conversation they’d had two hours ago, or any other conversations, for that matter.

  But it was easy to torment oneself in the dark, and Lesley had, relentlessly. One path she’d started down and quickly abandoned was to blame Jayne. It had crossed her mind that perhaps Jayne was like her parents: manipulative, secretive, able to smile while stabbing someone in the back; someone who could ensnare Mo without Mo recognizing the threat. Then Lesley had berated herself for almost falling into a trap that could doom the triad. She didn’t know Jayne well, but based on what she did know—and her gut—Jayne wasn’t deceptive and manipulative. And with CT134 technically still on the table—no.

  Then Lesley had moved on to berating herself for stupidly encouraging Mo to take Jayne to 72—twice! After imagining what could have taken place there and vacillating between wanting to cry into her pillow and pound it into a pulp, she’d calmed down. Neither of her Chosens could lie through her teeth while carrying on behind Lesley’s back. To pull that off, they’d have to be master manipulators who had absolutely no regard for her. She couldn’t see it. Definitely not in Mo, and Jayne? Where would it lead? What did they think would happen when Lesley found out? Love sometimes made people stupid, but both were smarter than that. They’d know that hiding it would be riskier in the long run than telling her. They were in this triad together, and they had to work together to hold it together. As absurd as it was, any betrayals had to be out in the open.

  “Maybe you’re seeing something that’s not there,” Papa said gently.

  No. She’d just torn down one whopping lie by accepting that the triad was real. She wasn’t about to tell herself another one. “I wish that were true, but it’s not. I’m not imagining things.” She sighed. “So what do I do now? How do I deal with this? I thought I meant something to Mo.”

  “You do! She loves you.”

  “She doesn’t love me as much as I thought she did. How could she? She’s interested in someone else!” Her anguish forced her to her feet. Papa tugged at her arm. “No, I can’t sit. I can’t sit.” She shoved her hands into her pockets again, one hand still clutching the handkerchief.

  “Just because Mo...may have feelings for Jayne doesn’t mean her feelings for you have changed.”

  Lesley wanted to believe that, but if Mo was still satisfied with their relationship, with their love, why would she develop feelings for someone else?

  Papa shifted on the bench. “This was bound to happen eventually.”

  “I didn’t expect it to happen.” Lesley hesitated. “I only really just accepted the triad. I know that sounds weak in the Way, but—”

  “Lesley, being strong in the Way doesn’t mean you’ll accept a triad, just like that.” He snapped his fingers. “Of course it would take time. Everyone would have been numb for a while, needed time to wrap their heads around it.”

  But she’d actively denied it. She’d even told Jayne that she didn’t believe they were Chosens.

  “It can be tough when you have only one Chosen,” Papa added.

  She didn’t dare ask if he spoke from experience. “I’ve just told you that my Chosen has feelings for someone else. I could say that on the monitors, and nothing would happen.” She sank onto the bench next to him and slumped her shoulders. “Nothing prepared me for this.”

  “It would have been easier if you’d started out as three strangers.”

  She turned to him. “You think so?”

  He grimaced. “Well, I’m speculating, trying to imagine what it would be like. You probably wouldn’t take it so personally.”

  “Of course I wouldn’t!” she snapped. “It wouldn’t be the woman I’ve loved for the past thirteen years.” She pulled the handkerchief from her pocket and played with it again. “This is probably going to sound stupid, but I thought we were different. We’ve been together for so long, and been through so much, that I thought...I thought we were untouchable.” She pressed her lips together and shook her head. “I really thought we were different, that we had something special.”

  “You do.”

  “Not anymore.” She brushed away new tears.

  Papa’s arm slipped around her shoulders. “I know you can’t see a bright side right now, but you’ll get through this. And when you do, you’ll have something that only two other Rymellans have. Two Chosens. Two women who’ll love you and cherish you above everyone else.”

  Right now, she felt as if she didn’t have anybody. When Papa pulled her close, she didn’t resist, but even as she wept into his shoulder, she felt numb. She felt as she had during her separation from Mo, when the world had become two-dimensional, grey, devoid of laughter and joy. Even then, there had been hope—deeply buried, but there. Hope that their separation would end, that their love couldn’t be denied, that the Chosen Council would choose them for each other, as they’d chosen each other for themselves.

  But now there was no hope, no chance for a reprieve. They couldn’t go back. Their relationship wasn’t special. She wasn’t special. This grey world would be her home for the rest of her life.

  *****

  Heaving a sigh, Lesley rose from the pilot’s seat and slid open her aviacraft door. Meeting Jayne for lunch was the last thing she wanted to do, but the timing couldn’t be helped. If they didn’t get together on their own initiative, Berry would force the issue, and avoiding Jayne wasn’t an option anyway.

  Jayne was waiting for her, her sketchbook tucked under her arm. Lesley forced a smile and made herself meet Jayne’s eyes. On the way, she’d wondered if seeing Jayne would anger or hurt her, but she felt...nothing, except that ever-present dull ache. “Shall we?” She motioned for Jayne to start walking. They’d agreed to go to the same eatery as the last time. “I really do only have an h
our this time,” Lesley said, meaning it. “I have a class at two.”

  “How is the commander training going?” Jayne fell into step with her.

  “So far, so good. It’s a lot of work. Every day starts off with a test, so I have to study every night.” Her schedule gave her the perfect excuse to not see Mo. They talked to each other daily, but hadn’t spent any time together for five days now. Lesley missed Mo, but dreaded seeing her. Would Mo’s touch feel the same? Would Lesley blurt out what she suspected? Would looking at Mo make her weep? She glanced at Jayne, and resisted her stirring resentment. It wasn’t Jayne’s fault. It wasn’t Mo’s fault. Even if Lesley could assign blame, it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t make everything go back to how it was before.

  She forced herself back to the conversation. “It’ll be even busier when we start the practical training exercises. I’ll be back at the Military Academy for those.”

  “Will that seem weird?” Jayne asked.

  Her throat tightened. “It will bring back a lot of memories.” She recalled their excitement when they were accepted into the Military Academy and then into the pilot training program. And living together for the first time—late nights playing cards; the parties Mo had dragged her to; their duets in the music rooms; quiet nights in. But it hadn’t all been good; Mo’s trouble with Ann and Lesley’s run-ins with Leeds and Morton also came rushing back, along with how she and Mo had supported each other through the rough times. “I met Laura there,” she said as she recalled her reluctance to go to Mo’s first concert. “Well, not there exactly, but that’s where she became my mentor.”

  Jayne’s brows shot up. “I didn’t know she taught at the Military Academy.”

  “She didn’t.” Normally Lesley wouldn’t talk about her failures, but she didn’t want to silently wallow and long for times gone by. “She offered to mentor me when I got into trouble for going to a concert.” She recounted what had happened, glossing over the problems she and Mo had experienced because of her confusion around how Mo had fit into her life. “I’m glad I went to the concert,” she said as she pulled the eatery door open.

  Jayne responded after the server had seated them. “If I’d heard that story before I met you, I might have been surprised that you chose the concert over the study group. Now I’d be surprised if you hadn’t.”

  “Why?” Lesley asked as she picked up the menu.

  “You never would have missed Mo’s first concert.”

  For a moment, she wanted to reach across the table, grab Jayne’s shirt, and... She tightened her grip on the menu. It wasn’t Jayne’s fault. Lesley couldn’t resent her Chosen, someone she had to spend the rest of her life with—and someone Mo cared for. The woman across the table was important to Mo.

  Jayne was also important to Lesley, but not in the same way. Still, she reminded herself that Jayne was her Chosen. Up to this point, Lesley had treated their time together as an obligation to fulfill, not as an opportunity to grow closer to her Chosen. If Jayne had been her only Chosen, wouldn’t she try to get to know her on a more personal level? Perhaps if she focused on Jayne and learned more about her, she wouldn’t see Mo every time she looked at her.

  “What do you like to do?” Lesley asked after the server had taken their orders. “I know you like to draw, but what else do you like to do?”

  “Paint.” Jayne grabbed her napkin and unfolded it. “Read. Uh...”

  “What do you like to read? Aside from art books.” When Jayne hesitated, Lesley cursed herself for relating. She hated personal questions, too.

  “The usual dramatizations. The odd space adventure.” Jayne smiled at the surprise Lesley couldn’t quite mask. “The ones about solving a mystery, when they come across an abandoned ship or colony or something like that. I’ve tried the space battle ones, but I can never follow what’s happening. There’s no point when you skim all the action scenes.” She placed the napkin on her lap. “I bet Mo likes to read those.”

  “No, she doesn’t.” Lesley couldn’t help feeling smug. “Mo’s not much of a reader.”

  “Do you read them?”

  “No.” And she wasn’t about to admit that she liked the mystery ones too.

  After a moment, Jayne said, “Carol occasionally passes me a notification story she enjoyed, but they don’t appeal to me.”

  “Me, either,” Lesley admitted. It would help if the mere action of Jayne opening her mouth didn’t irritate her. She took a deep breath. “Do you like music?”

  Jayne nodded. “Very much.” She gazed at Lesley. “Mo plays the violin beautifully. I really enjoyed listening to her practice when we were on 72.”

  Blood pounded in Lesley’s ears. Was Jayne deliberately tweaking her nose at her? “Mo and I enjoy playing together,” she blurted. Top that! Though her sense of victory quickly died. Now she’d have to reveal something she’d rather have kept private. “I play the flute.”

  And she was acting like a five-year-old! Resenting Jayne, competing with her—what would it accomplish? But meekly accepting that Mo had eyes for someone else was asking too much. Lesley couldn’t...she just couldn’t—and she didn’t want to talk about her flute, either. “Did you enjoy your last stay on 72?” Despite her inner turmoil, she kept her voice even.

  Jayne nodded again. “Though I upset Mo at one point.”

  “Oh?”

  “I went to one of the observation decks while she was on a shift. When she returned to her quarters, she thought I was lost. I think she was a bit worried.”

  Was she, now? Lesley’s jaw clenched. It shouldn’t grate that Mo was looking out for Jayne on 72, but it did.

  “It’s nice of Mo to invite me to go with her. Do you think you’ll ever come? It would be nice if you...I’d—Mo would love it.” Jayne picked up her water glass and took a gulp from it.

  Lesley wasn’t so sure that Mo would want her along. “It will be difficult while I’m doing the training. I don’t have many days off.” Which meant Mo and Jayne would enjoy many cozy trips to 72. Lesley reached for her water glass. This wasn’t working, and she couldn’t see how it ever would. Every time Jayne mentioned Mo, Lesley felt as if she were being pummelled, and there was no escape. They were all stuck together.

  Somehow she had to accept Mo’s feelings for Jayne, but how? And what would she do if Mo wanted to act on those feelings? Would Mo care about how it would affect Lesley and their relationship? Perhaps she wouldn’t. What had been unthinkable at their notification meetings was now a possibility for Mo. Her feelings for Lesley had obviously changed, diminished in some way. The dull ache in Lesley’s chest flared. She couldn’t believe it! They were Chosens, but she’d lost Mo anyway.

  The server arrived with their lunches. Lesley wasn’t hungry, but she picked up her fork and jabbed at a lettuce leaf. “What did you think about those CT134 cases I sent you?” she asked, falling back to a familiar and comfortable topic. She’d had enough of getting personal. Papa believed that having two Chosens meant that her life would be filled with love, but all she saw ahead of her was pain.

  *****

  Lesley finished studying the final page of her notes and closed the file, confident that she’d pass the next morning’s test. Since it was only 20:30, she checked the course syllabus, and was searching for articles related to the next day’s topics when the front door thudded shut and familiar footsteps pounded up the stairs. She tensed and stared at the monitor.

  Mo burst into the bedroom. “Oh, you are studying. I was starting to wonder if you’re avoiding me.”

  Apprehensive, Lesley twisted in her chair and met Mo’s eyes. Argamon, she’d missed her, and could have cried with relief that nothing had changed—for her. Her life would never make sense without her love for Mo. Loving Mo came as naturally as breathing; stopping either would drain Lesley’s life away. “We have a test every morning.”

  “Yeah, I know. But you’re in this training for a while.” Mo peered at the monitor, then quickly averted her eyes. “I’m not looking at anythi
ng I’m not supposed to see, am I?”

  Lesley couldn’t help but chuckle. “No, I was just searching for something to read, to prepare for tomorrow’s class.”

  Mo rolled her eyes. “No, no, see? This is where you stop for the night and beep me, otherwise we’ll never see each other. Preparing for the next class is optional, right?” Apparently meaning it as a rhetorical question, Mo slipped her arms around Lesley and hugged her from behind the chair. “How did your lunch with Jayne go?”

  Lesley recognized the underlying tension in Mo’s voice. But was it for the usual reason—Mo’s jealousy—or because Mo was interested in Jayne?

  “I know, I know, I shouldn’t ask, but I can’t help it!” Mo let her go and flopped onto the bed. Lesley swivelled in the chair to face her, and Mo sighed. “I trust you, okay? But—I don’t know, it’s hard not to think of them as dates.”

  “They’re not dates.” Lesley narrowed her eyes. “Is that why you’re here? Because you want to hear about the lunch?”

  “No, I’m here because I haven’t seen you for almost a week. I figured I’d given you enough time to calm down about your course and I better come over and make sure you don’t neglect me.” She gave Lesley a wry smile. “But since you had lunch with Jayne today and she didn’t say anything about it when I beeped her—”

  “You beeped her?”

  “Just to arrange to pick her up tomorrow.” Mo swung her legs off the bed and sat up. “It’s too bad you can’t come with us, but on the other hand, having an Interior officer there would probably put a damper on the whole thing.”

  Or maybe Mo didn’t want her along.

  “I don’t even think she should do it. Stewart sends letters wanting us to execute her and then insults her at the awards ceremony, and now she’s supposed to help him?” Mo shook her head. “She thinks she’s responsible for everything.” Her brow puckered. “I’m glad I’m going with her, to make sure she doesn’t let him walk all over her.”