True North

by Susan Diane Johnson

  It was amazing that a woman her age was taking her first trip, and all alone. But Lisa wasn’t up for small talk, especially with a stranger, so she simply nodded and looked away.

  “I saw you in the gift store earlier.”

  This ship was so big. How odd the woman would not only notice her in the gift store but then run into her on one of the observation decks.

  “You were buying tulips.”

  Lisa nodded. “I bought them for my husband.” Had Joe found the tulips yet? She hoped they would bring a smile to his face and remind him of a time when they’d been happy. Would he understand their meaning? To her they symbolized their wedding vows, the home they made, and the life they shared. She wasn’t giving all of it up just yet.

  “That’s why I recognized you when I saw you sitting here.”

  Embarrassed, Lisa realized she didn’t hear everything Jessica had said to her. “I’m sorry, what?”

  “The tulips. My husband and I owned a bulb farm in Skagit Valley. Other people traveled to us to see the tulips we grew every spring.”

  “You owned a bulb farm?”

  “I still do, actually. But it’s becoming more and more difficult to run all by myself.”

  “My husband and I used to drive over to Skagit Valley every spring to see the tulip fields when they bloomed. Joe used to take his camera and take pictures.” Lisa sighed, thankful for something pleasant to think about. She closed her eyes, envisioning field after field of colorful tulips. Every spring they stretched across the landscape for miles, ribbons of color, like one of God’s rainbows across the sky. “I can see how that would be a difficult business to run by yourself.”

  “Frank and I were quite content working our farm, hiring school kids to help us out since we didn’t have any of our own.” Jessica gazed out at the water, a wistful look on her face.

  Thinking of Cody, Lisa heart constricted. What would it have been like not to have had him in her life?

  “Now Frank’s gone, and I have to pull myself out of my comfort zone and see some of the world. Otherwise, I’ll just pine away. Funny thing, though. Frank’s been gone a few years, and it wasn’t until recently that I had this sudden urge to travel. First thing I decided to do was come on this cruise. A cruise is something I’d never even thought about in my entire life.”

  Lisa didn’t know what to say. What it would be like to be Jessica’s age—maybe early seventies—and on a trip, alone? It was likely to happen, too, given the lack of response from Joe.

  “You said you and your husband used to drive to see the tulip fields. So you must live in Washington, too. Where are you from?”

  “Whidbey Island.”

  “Oh. Not far away at all. We’re practically neighbors.” Jessica’s wide smile indicated she hoped she’d found a new friend.

  Lisa couldn’t help but smile back.

  “You said you bought the tulips for your husband.” Jessica glanced around. “I’d love to meet him.”

  Lisa cringed a little inside before she answered. “My husband is back in the room. He doesn’t—”

  “Cabin.”

  “Sorry?” Lisa blinked. Though surprised, she was glad for the unexpected interruption. It saved her from talking about Joe.

  “You called it a room.” Jessica stared at Lisa, unblinking though a hint of a smile played at the corners of her mouth. “We’re on a ship, dear. I believe the correct term is cabin.”

  Despite her dim outlook, Lisa couldn’t help but laugh. “I stand corrected.”

  “Sorry.” Jessica’s lashes fluttered behind her glasses, much like a naughty child who didn’t really mean it. “Bad little habit. Interrupting and correcting. I’m a little compulsive.”

  “It’s perfectly fine.” Lisa meant it. Her own mother had been that way.

  “Miss Jessica!” The little boy who’d helped Lisa with the tulips earlier skidded to a stop in front of them. He looked from Jessica to Lisa and smiled. “Hi, again.”

  “Do you two know each other?” Jessica arched her eyebrows, the question clear on her face.

  “Yup.” The boy graced Jessica with a grin that almost stretched to both of his ears. “I helped her with her flowers when they crashed to the ground.”

  Lisa looked to Jessica. “I was carrying too much.” She turned to the little boy and smiled. “I’m Lisa. What’s your name?”

  “This is Brandon.” Jessica smiled at the boy before he could answer. “He and his father are staying just a few doors down from me.”

  “Right near the room where I helped you.” Brandon’s blue eyes twinkled as he grinned even wider. A breeze picked up just then and rustled through his hair. Lisa ached to reach out and brush it down with her hand. The back of her eyes burned, and her heart lurched.

  “I guess we’re all neighbors then.” Trying to hide her emotions, she spoke a little too loud, and Jessica glanced at her.

  “Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine, just happy to officially meet Brandon.”

  “Ohh-kaay. If you say so.” Jessica made it obvious she didn’t believe her. “Where’s your dad, Brandon?”

  “He’s back at our cabin. He told me he needed some quiet time. I’m supposed to stay on this deck, and if I want to go somewhere else, I need to tell him.”

  “Well, now Brandon, you’re a good boy for giving your dad some time alone. You be careful.” Jessica leaned forward and touched his arm. “And mind your dad. If you’ve been gone for a while, you might want to let him know you’re doing as he says.”

  “Sure thing, Miss Jessica.” Brandon waved as he ran off.

  “He and his father ate dinner with me last night,” Jessica said once Brandon was out of sight. “Are you and your husband planning to eat in the dining room tonight?”

  Lisa thought of the blue dress she’d wanted to wear for Joe. She had little to no chance of getting him into that dining room.

  She shook her head. “I seriously doubt Joe will want to get dressed up for a formal dinner. In fact, I don’t think he even brought a suit with him.”

  “You mean, you don’t know?” Jessica tipped her head and peered over the top of her glasses.

  Lisa glanced away from Jessica then back again. “I-I wasn’t there when Joe packed.”

  Jessica nodded as though she understood perfectly, but her eyes were sharp and gave away her suspicion that all was not right with Lisa’s marriage.

  Uncomfortable, Lisa went back to staring out at the water and caught her breath. It was as if the ship was slowly moving through a narrow maze of rugged snow-peaked mountains and evergreen-covered islands. The beauty of it awed her, and she wished she could get Joe to share it with her.

  This must be the Inside Passage. Shamefully, she didn’t really know for sure. She hadn’t spent much time reading up on the actual cruise. Her priorities had been all about getting Joe to go and then finding the nerve to follow him. Too bad they couldn’t enjoy this view together.

  “There’s more than one dining room on this ship, and the one where I’m having dinner isn’t as formal as you might think. Even though it’s not the formal dining room, it’s still very nice. But you and your husband don’t have to dress to the nines to eat there.”

  Lisa tore her gaze from a pair of kayakers setting for shore on one of the islands. She sighed and shifted uncomfortably before she turned back to Jessica.

  “Oh, I don’t think Joe will be comfortable eating in the dining room, whether it’s formal or not.” She tried to keep her tone light but knew the older woman saw right through her when she reached out and squeezed Lisa’s hand.

  “I apologize again. Nosy to a fault. That’s what my Frank always used to say. He told me it would get me into trouble someday, and he was right. Here I am making you uncomfortable.” She looked sincerely distressed. Had her Frank been overly critical of her?

  The thought that someone could hurt this sweet elderly woman made Lisa angry.

  “It’s OK, really,” Lisa was quick to assure he
r. “I didn’t take it that way at all. My husband isn’t up to sightseeing. In fact, he doesn’t even want me here.”

  Jessica leaned forward with interest, and Lisa shrank back in her chair horrified at herself. Why had she revealed so much? Just to make someone else feel better? She so did not want to talk about it.

  “I’m sorry, dear.” Jessica gently touched her arm. OK, maybe it was compassion that flickered in Jessica’s eyes, not interest. Either way, it made Lisa uncomfortable. She wasn’t used to being so intimate with other people. Rose was the only one she confided in.

  “Do you two have kids?”

  Again Lisa’s heart constricted. “One. A boy. Cody.”

  “That’s good, dear. At least you have someone to hold you together. Kids are the perfect way to bring parents together again. Things will work out; you’ll see.”

  “He’s dead.” Even Lisa winced at her blunt tone. “He was killed in a car accident several months ago.”

  Lisa had been born late in her parents’ lives. Had they still been alive, they would be about the same age as Jessica. She missed her mother so much. Her parents would have helped her and Joe through this ordeal. Lisa couldn’t even turn to Joe’s mother, because she had disowned him when he married Lisa. Perhaps that was why she was so drawn to Jessica, why she blurted out something so personal to a total stranger.

  “Oh, my dear, I am so very sorry.” Jessica squeezed Lisa’s hand. Compassion filled her eyes and her gentle grandmotherly apple cheeks punctuated a smile of understanding.

  Tears brimmed in Lisa’s eyes and Jessica offered her a hanky from her jacket pocket.

  “No, thank you.” Lisa shook her head. “I’ll be fine.”

  “It’s all right to let it out, you know.” Jessica reached over and gently patted her hand.

  It had never been all right around Joe. Tears scared the daylights out of him. Emotions petrified him. Especially her emotions. He’d proven that by not coming around after that weekend he’d taken her away for her birthday. They’d frightened him away from coming home at night and into sleeping at the office. Lisa knew all about the damage that came from letting tears and emotions flow.

  “I—I’ve got to go.” Lisa couldn’t get out of the chair fast enough and nearly tripped. Jessica reached out a hand to help steady her, a shocked look on her face. “I’m so sorry.” Horrified that she’d hurt this kind and lonely woman’s feelings, Lisa covered Jessica’s hand with her own. “It really was nice meeting you.”

  Jessica nodded. “Perhaps we’ll meet again. Maybe tonight, in the dining room?”

  “Yes, perhaps. But, to tell you the truth, Jessica, as much as I’d love to eat dinner with you, if Joe won’t go to the dining room, I won’t either. My first priority is him, not me. And I doubt he’ll want to eat there.”

  “I understand dear. But have a little faith. I’ll ask the steward to make sure you’re seated at my table if you are able to make it.”

  “Thank you, Jessica. I hope to see you then, but I doubt it. Maybe we’ll meet around here again. If not, enjoy the rest of your trip. It was lovely meeting you.”

  “You, too, dear. I’ll be praying for you.”

  Before she headed back to her room…cabin, Lisa smiled fondly at the older woman. As Lisa walked away, she heard Jessica whisper, “It really will be all right.”

  A shiver snaked down her spine, and she hoped with all her heart that Jessica was right. But she had a sick sort of feeling things would never be all right again.

  6

  The door opened, and Joe looked up.

  Lisa stepped into the cabin. “Not hungry, huh?”

  Joe picked up the fork and pushed at a syrup-soaked cold piece of French toast, took a sip of lukewarm coffee, and shook his head. “Sorry.” He was unable to look her in the eyes.

  “Don’t be. I know what it’s like to lack the heart to eat. But Joe—” She placed her hand over his. Her warm and tender touch seeped through him to tickle the edges of his heart. He closed his eyes and breathed in deep, not knowing how he would get through the next forty or so years without it.

  “Joe, you can’t starve yourself. It won’t bring him back.”

  Joe gave her a long look, assessing the thinness of her face and arms. He thought back to her comment about starving.

  “What about you? Have you been eating? You sure don’t look like it.”

  “This isn’t about me. It’s about you.”

  “So it’s all right for you to be concerned about me but not vice versa?” he asked.

  “Lip service, Joe. If you were interested in me, you would have shown it long before now. You’re only trying to divert the attention from yourself.”

  Had he imagined it, or was there a little spark in her eyes?

  “Do you want to go for a walk on deck? I saw some of the scenery, and it’s absolutely beautiful.” A nervous smile played on her pink lips.

  Uh-oh. Had she taken their tiny conversation and turned it into something more? Careful. He couldn’t do anything to make her think things were going back to the way they were or even that he would go home with her at the end of the cruise.

  He pulled his hand from hers so fast he heard her ring slap against the table.

  “Sorry.” Though he spoke quickly, he meant it. “Are you OK?” Here he went hurting her again.

  “I’m fine.”

  But he knew she wasn’t.

  Avoiding her gaze, he put the silver lid back on the tray. “Are we supposed to put this outside?” At Lisa’s nod, he started toward the door.

  Stepping in front of him, Lisa reached for the tray. “Here, I'll take it.”

  But she made no move to leave the room. She stood there watching while Joe pulled his laptop out of the leather carrying case and set it on the table.

  Joe booted up the computer, waited for a connection, and settled back in the chair. He could feel her blue eyes watching his every move. The silence in the room was so heavy he could practically hear her thoughts of condemnation. If she had any idea about the e-mail he was about to send to Mike, confirming his plans for divorce and giving his okay to file the papers he’d signed before he’d left the office, she’d want to heap hot coals over his head.

  Finally, putting the tray back on the table, right next to his laptop, she asked the question he expected. “Are you going to shut yourself off the entire trip?”

  He shrugged and focused on the computer screen. For some reason, it seemed to infuriate her.

  “Do you think it’s been easy sitting at home with all those memories day and night by myself? Maybe you forgot everything when you walked away, but I sure didn’t. Cody was my son, too. I hurt as much as you do. And just like you need to find some sense of peace in all of this, Joe, so do I. Maybe I didn’t isolate myself and abandon the people I supposedly love, but maybe, just maybe, I need to be here as much as you do.”

  For Joe, it was a painful truth. He was responsible for the sadness that oozed from her heart. Even before Cody died, all he did was work. He knew exactly what it cost him. If he hadn’t made his job his god, none of this would have happened.

  “We’re supposed to find the joy in our sorrows, the blessings in the storm, praise God in all circumstances. You’re not doing that. You’ve taken your eyes off the Lord. You’ve shut yourself off from everyone who loves you. You’ve turned into a lonely, bitter man.” She stopped and gasped as if unable to believe what she’d just said.

  “Joe, I’m so sorry.” She reached for him, but he shrugged away. Lisa nodded slowly. “Fine.” She pulled her hand back. “Have things your way.”

  “What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry I abandoned you?” He deliberately emphasized the word and watched as she rubbed at her arm where it had been broken in the accident. Though long since healed, she tended to rub the broken spot when she was upset. Unfortunately, upsetting her couldn’t be helped. Not this time. “Do you want me to tell you I’m glad you’re here?”

  “Only if you mean it.
” Lisa stopped rubbing her arm, picked the tray back up, and went out the door.

  Joe waited until the door slammed shut before he whispered, “I do.”

  He didn’t want to think about what those two little words meant, and he certainly didn’t want to ponder the fact that the sight of his ring on her finger and the touch of her hand on his made his heart beat just a little differently.

  ****

  Outside their room, Lisa set the food tray on the floor in the hall. Then she leaned against the cool wood of the door separating her from Joe.

  A sick sort of feeling engulfed her. She didn’t want to think about the reason. Her heart pounded and her chest constricted. She took a slow deep breath to keep the uncomfortable feeling at bay.

  It was a deep well of emptiness, as if God were far away from her. This wasn’t the first time she’d experienced it. And because of that, what right did she have to use those words against Joe the way she had? He might have taken his eyes off God, but she couldn’t feel Him. She could no longer sense the peace He’d once filled her with. “Please, Lord, help me find it again. I need to know You’re here with me.”

  Utterly ashamed and sick about what she’d said to Joe, Lisa didn’t know whether to pace the deck or fall down on her knees and cry. She refused to give in to the emotion. She had to stay strong and focused, keep her eye on the goal: pull Joe out of this. Then, and only then, could she save her marriage.

  Oh, Joe. How could she have used guilt on him like that? Guilt. On a man who was already torturing himself with it.

  “Forgive me, Lord,” she prayed. “Take away the sting of my words.”

  The very last thing she wanted to do was hurt Joe or instill more guilt in him. He’d heaped a big enough load of it on himself.

  She’d meant for this to be a sanctuary for him, and here she’d added to his grief.

  Everything was such a mess.

  Helping Joe was her priority. Helping him and getting him back. Even though it seemed impossible, she couldn’t—wouldn’t—give up on him.