True North

by Susan Diane Johnson

  She truly did feel like she needed this as much as he did. And her reasons weren’t just because she’d hoped to get Joe to come home, but also so they could feel closer to Cody. If they took this trip their son had looked forward to, wouldn’t it help them say good-bye?

  She pictured Joe inside the room, becoming more and more absorbed in whatever was on the computer screen.

  For a minute, back in the room, Lisa thought Joe was coming around. When she’d returned to find him sitting there with a fork in his hand, eating breakfast, she’d had a moment of hope. But her hope was short lived, shriveled like a grape in the California sun when she’d sat across from the table and he’d shut her out of his pain.

  Was it too much to hope he’d accept her presence and actually want to enjoy two weeks with her? She didn’t think it was, though she knew she had a better chance of convincing Rose to step foot into a church.

  Lisa wished she could run back inside the room and slam the laptop shut. She wanted to shake him back to reality, kiss the sadness from his eyes, and get him to come back home with her. But he’d most likely have no part of it. All she could do was pray and ask the Lord to help Joe see that they needed to grieve for their son together. He needed to come home. “Please let him see that, Lord. Please.”

  “Let’s do this together,” Lisa silently willed from her heart to Joe’s. If only she could make him understand.

  ****

  With Lisa gone, Joe paced the small room. She spoke the truth when she said he’d abandoned her and isolated himself. He’d shut everyone out so he could pretend he didn’t have issues to deal with.

  But were they easier to deal with alone?

  Part of him wanted to rush to the door and call her back. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. No matter how much he wanted to hold Lisa and make her his wife again, he couldn’t. He didn’t deserve her, and she certainly didn’t deserve to be saddled with him.

  If only he could turn back time, go back to the place where Cody was a newborn. “Why, God? Why won’t You turn back time? Why won’t You let me start over? I’ll do my best. I promise I’ll be the best father and best husband ever. I just don’t want to see that pain in Lisa’s eyes anymore.”

  It couldn’t happen. In fact, why was he even talking to God? As if He even listened. If God listened to him, the accident never would have happened in the first place.

  No. That wasn’t fair. It wasn’t God’s fault. It was his fault. Joe’s. He was the one who messed up. He had the chance and didn’t take it. He’s the one who made work more important than his family.

  God wouldn’t help him now. He wasn’t worth it. He deserved everything he got.

  But Cody didn’t. Neither did Lisa.

  ****

  When Lisa finally found the courage and strength to face Joe, she slowly opened the door.

  “Joe?”

  Just the way she’d left him, he sat in the chair with his laptop. She could tell by his expression, he wasn’t seeing whatever was on the screen. She could also tell that he heard her but had no intention of answering.

  “Joe, I’m sorry. I—the things I said—please don’t hate me. I don’t even know why I said what I did.”

  “Because you meant it.” The cynicism in his voice saddened her.

  “No. I didn’t express myself very well. You need to grieve in whatever way you feel. And there’s no set timetable. I used a poor choice of words. I’m so sorry.”

  “It doesn’t matter, Lisa.”

  “Yes, it does. Look at me.”

  When he still didn’t look up, she went over to the closet and pulled out her bags. She unzipped one with fury and began pulling at her clothing on the hangers.

  “What are you doing?”

  Lisa turned around to find Joe watching her from across the room. He’d closed the laptop and stood next to the table. His brown eyes gazed at her intently.

  “I—I made a mistake,” she said, flustered by the way he stared at her. “You were right. You do need to be alone. I’m going to see if they have another room available.”

  “They don’t.” His tone spoke volumes. “I checked.”

  Another piece of her heart broke.

  “There has to be someplace I can sleep until we get to Ketchikan. Then I’ll see about getting a plane home.”

  “But you’re afraid to fly.”

  “I’m more afraid of saying something else to hurt you than I am of getting on an airplane. You don’t deserve it.”

  In two strides, Joe was across the room. With gentleness Lisa hadn’t seen from him in a long time, he took the bags from her and put them back in the closet. He even went so far as to re-hang the one outfit she’d managed to tear from its hanger.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Lisa, I’m sorry.”

  Her breath caught in her throat, and she eyed him warily.

  “It was rude of me to try to make you leave. You’re right. You do need to say good-bye the same way I do. I have no right to tell you otherwise.”

  Did this mean he was ready to find closure at the loss of their son? Had the Lord answered her prayer already? Hope blossomed within her.

  “Joe?”

  “Let’s start over.”

  Her heart pounded.

  “How is Rose?”

  Lisa blinked at the change in conversation.

  “After you mentioned her last night, I wondered how she was doing.”

  “She’s not good. She tries, but she’s not…” Lisa pressed her lips together and shook her head. How did she explain one person’s inability to cope with grief to another person who was having the same difficulty?

  “I’m glad she has you for a friend.” Joe’s tone was quiet. “I’m sure you’re good for her.”

  “I don’t know.” Lisa shook her head. “I feel so helpless. Like there’s something more I should be doing for her.”

  “You can’t fix everyone, Lisa.”

  Was that what she tried to do? Fix everyone? “I know that. I just want to help. But it’s really hard to help Rose because she doesn’t go to church.”

  “Neither do I.” Joe’s broken whisper infused Lisa with guilt.

  Why had she brought up church? Joe stopped going months ago, and though she tried several times to get him to back to church, he adamantly refused.

  “I know. I’m sorry.” She didn’t want to say anything to undo this fragile truce they had. “I didn’t mean—”

  “I know you didn’t. It’s all right. Don’t force it.” He sounded so calm, Lisa could scarcely believe it. They were actually having a conversation about church, and Joe wasn’t defensive. She almost collapsed with relief. Here she’d been so afraid he’d turned his back on God.

  Did he still believe? She wanted to ask but didn’t. “Rose doesn’t believe in God.”

  “Don’t give up on her.” He spoke quietly, and Lisa couldn’t help but hope he was also asking her not to give up on him.

  “I won’t,” she assured him. Nor would she ever give up on him. Ever.

  “I’m sorry about the way I’ve acted. I know I overreacted to your being here.” He met her gaze. “I was embarrassed at the way you found me yesterday. You know…the things I said when I first woke up and didn’t know you were here. I was surprised to find you here. Maybe even a little…” he swallowed hard and shook his head.

  “Joe,” she whispered around the painful lump in her throat. “Were you glad to see me?”

  Before he answered, he turned away from her. “I can’t answer that honestly, but believe it or not, there was some part of me that wished I didn’t have to do this by myself.”

  Who did you want to do this with? She wanted to ask the question, but she was too afraid of what his response would be.

  Lisa took a deep breath as Joe stepped closer. Everything would be OK after all. She let out the breath, embarrassed that it sounded so much like a sigh, and prepared to take Joe into her arms. Instead, he brushed past her toward the bathroom.

&nb
sp; “I know you need to grieve.” He spoke from the bathroom doorway, his tone of voice a lot sharper than it had been a minute ago. “The same way you keep telling me I need to grieve. You’re here. There’s nothing I can do about it. But don’t tell me how to spend my time. There’s nothing you can do to make me enjoy myself. I suggest you leave me alone.”

  “Joe, I—” She started toward him, but he held up his hand.

  “Look, do what you want. Just don’t involve me in it. Are we clear?”

  He sounded so dejected and distressed Lisa wanted to throw her arms around him and soothe his hurts away. Of course she didn’t, couldn’t. She’d be met with resentment, and she didn’t want Joe to resent her. She only wanted him to love her.

  “Perfectly,” she whispered as the door shut behind him.

  Feeling like a fool, Lisa tried to rein in her emotions. For one silly moment, she thought things would be OK. Was it so wrong to want that? Was it wrong to hope?

  ****

  While Joe was in the shower, Lisa sat on the floor of the closet and unzipped one of her bags. It was the only bag she hadn’t unpacked. It held personal things, things she didn’t want Joe to see yet. Bits and pieces of their life together. Things she’d hoped to share with him once he agreed to come home and be her husband again.

  But things weren’t going as she planned, and she prayed it wasn’t a sign of things to come.

  Please, God, let this work out for us.

  What if it never happened? She needed to face facts. Joe didn’t want her here. He had even checked to see if another room might be available for her. Pain squeezed her throat making it difficult to swallow. She struggled to keep the tears at bay. She didn’t want Joe to come out of the shower and find her crying.

  Maybe she shouldn’t be so quick to give up. Didn’t he all but say he was glad she was here? Well, maybe she shouldn’t go that far, but it certainly seemed like that’s what he’d been about to say before he turned around and told her to leave him alone.

  Lisa shook her head. She wanted to hope, but confusion warred in her heart. Then a stray thought hit her. It was possible Joe was confused as well.

  As she rummaged through the suitcase, Lisa’s mind whirled. Maybe, just maybe, she could find a way to help him deal with his confusion. Maybe together they could find a way to help each other.

  Slowly, she pulled out her whale shirt. Cody’s too. For just a minute, she imagined he was here instead of heaven. Did God let the spirit of our loved ones visit once in a while? Is that why she sensed Cody’s presence sometimes? If He did then it was an almost certainty Cody was here with her now. Or perhaps it was merely wishful thinking and a heavy dose of her imagination.

  She placed the shirts side-by-side. Lovingly, she ran her hand across the picture Cody had drawn. Tears threatened again, this time burning the back of her eyes. She wouldn’t be able to hold them back much longer. It hurt to swallow, and her entire chest ached with emotion. She picked up his shirt and pressed her face against it, reveling in the little boy scent it still held. For a minute, it really did seem like he was here with her.

  “Oh, Cody, come back to me,” she whispered.

  7

  When Joe came back into the room, Lisa sat on the floor in front of the closet. The doors were open, two shirts spread on the floor. He recognized the artwork that graced them. One of Cody’s drawings. Lisa had somehow transferred them onto the sweatshirts. Why had she brought them here?

  “Lisa?”

  It took a heartbeat too long before she looked up, and in that space of time, Joe knew she’d been crying and struggled to hide it from him.

  When she did turn and look up at him, she situated her body in such a way as if to shield him from seeing the shirts.

  She thinks she’s protecting me.

  Again, guilt stabbed him and made him feel unworthy; affirming once more that he’d made the right decision.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Just…repacking.”

  “Lisa, you don’t have to hide it from me.”

  “I’m not.”

  “What’s that?” He pointed to the small paper-wrapped package on the floor.

  “Just a little something I bought at the gift store.”

  Before he could see what it was, she’d wrapped it in Cody’s shirt and stuffed it in her suitcase. Just as quickly, she folded her matching shirt and put it on top of Cody’s. Then she zipped the suitcase and jumped up.

  With a jerk, she grabbed a sweater from a hanger and smiled brightly—too brightly in his opinion.

  ****

  Lisa tried to avoid looking into Joe’s eyes, and struggled to keep her emotions from giving her away.

  “Lisa, are you all right?” He sounded sincere, if a bit tentative.

  “I’m fine.” He had enough to deal with, without adding her pain to the mix. “I’m going for a walk.”

  “Oh.”

  With one hand on the doorknob and the other clutching a light blue sweater, Lisa finally looked at Joe. The concern etching the corners of his eyes was real and touched her heart. She started to ask him to join her then stopped herself.

  “I promised to leave you alone,” she said softly. “I keep my promises.” This didn’t mean she was giving up on him, though.

  His brow rose, and his mouth opened as if to say something.

  She paused for just a moment, hoping he’d ask to join her. When he didn’t say anything she let herself into the hall and quietly shut the door behind her, praying she’d been able to conceal her disappointment.

  In the corridor, she leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. The hope that he’d come after her refused to die even five minutes later when she trudged toward the elevator. She stared at the door to their room longingly as she waited for the elevator to open. Standing inside, she watched for him, hoping he’d come out just as the doors closed.

  Trying not to feel sad, she pressed the button for the Stargazer Deck. As a show of good faith, she would keep her word and let him be.

  For now.

  Eventually, she hoped, he would come around. If he didn’t, Lisa wasn’t sure what she’d do, but she wasn’t about to give up. She had faith. God knew her needs. He would make a way. She had to believe it.

  No. She did believe it.

  ****

  Lisa went back to the deck where she’d met Jessica. Of all the places she’d been on the ship, it was the most inviting, the most comfortable—a place of belonging. And the view from there was gorgeous.

  White mist danced through the treetops of the green islands and seemed to create a welcome pathway for the ship as they slowly made their way toward Alaska. Canoes, kayaks, and small boats were scattered here and there. She’d never seen so many hawks, eagles, and herons at one time.

  “You have such a beautiful creation, Lord,” she whispered the prayer. “Help me not take it for granted when I’m so caught up in this misery with Joe. I want to feel Your presence. I need to know You’re here with me in this peaceful place. I’m begging You, please give me just a small bit of that peace. And please, Lord, please help Joe find it, too.”

  People milled around, and Lisa tried not to notice the one difference between them and her—she was alone. And trying very hard not to feel hopeless.

  Would she ever get through to Joe? Or would their marriage forever be stuck in this dreary limbo? Though neither of them believed in divorce, Joe was no longer the man she married. Perhaps his beliefs had changed. Maybe he was waiting for her to make the first move—which, of course, she’d never do.

  Divorce was not an option. At least, not where she was concerned.

  As she wandered around the Skygazer Deck, Lisa’s troubled thoughts drained the energy right out of her. Just as she went to find the lounge chairs she’d sat in earlier that day with Jessica, Lisa overheard one word that stopped her in her tracks and sent her heart racing.

  Whales. Word was buzzing that a pod was up ahead, and the ship would be coming up on them
in about twenty minutes. It gave her enough time to get back to the cabin and tell Joe.

  Would he want to see them? Of course he would. Cody had drawn so many pictures of them for his dad. Still, Lisa had mixed feelings about going back to the cabin to tell him about the sighting. She’d be breaking her word to leave him alone. But, surely, he’d want to see them.

  Together they could see what their son so badly wanted to see, and it would be almost as if he were here with them.

  As she hurried to tell Joe before the whales were gone, she found her energy returning.

  When she stepped off the elevator on Denali Deck, Brandon came around the corner so fast he couldn’t stop. Lisa couldn’t get out of the way in time. He slammed into her with all the force of a Little Leaguer sliding into home with the game on the line.

  Though the impact hurt, it didn’t compare to the pain wedged in her heart when she looked into his face.

  She gasped. She knew that look, the enthusiasm. She’d seen it on Cody’s face so many times.

  Cody. Oh, Cody. She missed him so much. Why couldn’t he be here with her? Surprised by the sudden pain, she tried furiously to blink back the looming tears.

  “Sorry, Miss Lisa,” Brandon mumbled.

  “Hey, it’s OK,” Lisa assured him. She reached out and touched his shoulder and found herself strangely comforted by the feel of his flannel shirt under her fingers. “Are you all right?”

  He nodded vigorously. “I’ve gotta find my dad.”

  “What’s your hurry?” A bittersweet smile tugged at the corners of Lisa’s mouth as she watched the eagerness light his face.

  “I gotta tell him about the whales.”

  “Did you get to see them?”

  “No.” Brandon shook his head. “No one’s seen ’em yet. But I’m gonna. I heard this lady say the captain thinks there’s some real close. I gotta get my dad. Quick.”

  He was gone before Lisa could say another word.

  Lisa’s heart squeezed painfully. Brandon, adorable and exuberant, reminded her of what she’d lost. And he was about to witness what Cody never would, what he’d always wanted to see. Through tear-blurred eyes, she raced back to the cabin and burst through the door.