A Mother's Dilemma

by Emma Hornby

  Well! Jewel couldn’t help but smile in admiration. The woman had worked for it, she supposed. Though just what she had planned for it was another matter – and one which was really no concern of hers.

  ‘In all sincerity, I wish thee the best of luck,’ she murmured, securing everything back inside the material and heading to the wall. Then a sudden, heart-shattering thought crashed through her and she gasped.

  Could a portion of this wealth have paid to find adoptive parents and save her niece’s life? Happen if Julia had told of this money, given Louise a chink of hope, she wouldn’t have felt driven to commit her desperate deed …? But hadn’t the child been sickly? And yet … Devastatingly, they would never know.

  Nevertheless, to Jewel the money now felt tainted and she hurried to return it to its hiding place. The very touch of it against her palm made her flesh crawl with the what-ifs. After poking the bundle back between the bricks, she re-hung the painting and wandered back to her seat.

  One thing she knew for certain: she couldn’t mention it to Louise. After weeks of silent, inner grieving, she’d finally emerged from the darkness. Discovering something like this could set her progress back and cause her unnecessary further suffering – and besides, what would any of it achieve in the long run? The past couldn’t be changed, and circumstances would remain just the same. Best all round she told no one of her find.

  Falling and stumbling into the room hours later, laughing raucously, the women were not alone. Though Jewel wasn’t surprised, her stomach dropped all the same. What she wouldn’t give to climb into bed at a decent time and enjoy a sound and uninterrupted night’s sleep for once, she thought, dragging herself into a sitting position on the rag rug.

  Often, the streetwalkers would simply slip into the nearest dark ginnel with customers then return to the inns; back and to, back and to, throughout the night. Yet other times, such as now, they would fetch their work home with them, and Jewel was forced to wait out their lascivious exploits on the landing. She was almost always exhausted and was bone-weary of being part of this lifestyle. Something had to give, and soon.

  ‘See, I didn’t forget.’ Louise wiggled her brows and smiled, waving a paper-wrapped package under her nose. ‘Chitterlings. Get them down thee.’

  Forcing a smile in return, Jewel took them from her, although she no longer had an appetite. She’d have much preferred the girl’s company earlier instead, had felt more alone than usual today, given the occasion. However, she didn’t voice her feelings. As much as she disagreed with the way her room fellows made their living, she was, after all, here on their charity – though being kept like this didn’t sit well with her and she vowed to herself daily she’d repay their kindness somehow, one day.

  ‘No need to run off, is there?’ Louise’s mother clamped a hand on Jewel’s shoulder as she made to head out to the landing. Like her daughters and sister, her speech was slurred and her sight squinting. ‘Stay awhile with us, enjoy the party.’

  Eyeing the knot of men in the centre of the room, all in a similar state to the women, Jewel shook her head. ‘No, ta.’

  ‘Ay, come on. Oh no you don’t,’ the older woman added on a guffaw as Jewel tried to swerve past her. ‘Now I’ll not take no for an answer. Sit down here, aye. Well, go on, then!’

  Having drawn the attention of the others – all except Sarah, who had slipped away with one of the males to the curtained-off bed – she encouraged them to help her in persuading Jewel, which they did with gusto. Outnumbered and not wishing to appear churlish, Jewel was forced to accept. Suppressing a sigh, she went to sit on a sofa.

  Almost immediately, a young man with smouldering good looks and arrogance to match sauntered over and took the space beside her. She returned his slow grin with a tight smile then fixed her attention across the room in the hope he’d get the message and not attempt conversation. No such luck.

  He leaned in and nudged her playfully with his shoulder. ‘All right?’

  Nodding, she discreetly inched away.

  ‘Them smell good.’

  She glanced to the food she still held and had forgotten about. ‘Here. Have them.’ At least if he was busy eating, he wouldn’t be talking to her.

  ‘Aye?’

  ‘Yes, go on.’

  ‘Ta very much. You’ll have some, mind, won’t thee?’

  ‘Nay, I’m not—’

  ‘But you must. I’d not enjoy it else. I can’t swipe a lass’s supper from her and scran the lot myself, now can I?’

  Biting back an irritated retort, she shrugged in defeat. God above, anything for a quiet life.

  On the next sofa, Julia and her mother sat straddling two men in their middle years. Julia’s customer had exposed her breasts and was trying to coax her mother to kiss them – both women were helpless with laughter. Swallowing down her disgust, Jewel scanned the room for Louise. She spotted her and a grey-haired man slouched in the corner, backs against the wall, kissing passionately. When the bedsprings began their rapid squeaking, intermingled with the gruff moans of Sarah’s customer, Jewel had had enough. She rose abruptly.

  ‘Where you going?’ asked the man beside her. He attempted to catch her hand but she pulled it from his reach.

  ‘I’ll not be long,’ she lied. She had no intention whatsoever of returning until, lusts spent, the males had all buggered off home where they belonged.

  ‘Scuttling off so soon?’ Louise’s mother yelled across. ‘By, I thought you were enjoying yerself?’

  Jewel didn’t answer. Head down, she hurried her step. However, the moment she opened the door the man she’d been sat next to pressed it shut again from behind with the flat of his hand. She hadn’t heard him follow her and, frowning, she turned to face him. ‘What—?’

  ‘Stay awhile,’ he said thickly, cutting her off.

  ‘I told thee, I’ll not be long.’ She pulled at the door knob but it didn’t budge; his hand was still there, preventing her from escaping. ‘Shift,’ she said as calmly as she could, though, inside, panicked anger was rising.

  ‘Sit back down forra bit first,’ he wheedled, moving in close to nuzzle her neck.

  The slap she delivered to the side of his head had Louise’s mother roaring with laughter. It turned into a coughing fit and, gasping for breath, she flapped a hand at Jewel. ‘Here, that’s it, aye – he’s partial to a good spanking.’

  Ignoring her, Jewel brought furious eyes back to the unfazed man, who was rubbing the spot she’d struck, smiling. Her words came through gritted teeth: ‘Let me go.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What d’you mean, no? You bleedin’ well will or else—’ The rest of her speech was smothered in his kiss. Rearing back, she pushed hard against his chest. In the next moment, her feet swept out from under her as he lifted her bodily from the ground and, whistling like this was some big joke, carried her back to the sofa. ‘Get off me! Nay, leave me be!’

  ‘Calm down, for God’s sake,’ he said on a chuckle, dropping her down on the seat and climbing on top of her. ‘Whores like you should be grateful for a fella like me.’

  ‘Leave go of her.’

  Gasping in sheer relief at the sound of Sarah’s command, Jewel pleaded with her as she struggled beneath him: ‘Oh, Sarah, help me. Please!’

  ‘Keep your snout out, you,’ Louise’s mother piped up. ‘It’s fair time that one began paying her way around here, I reckon.’

  ‘Aye, too true,’ threw in Julia.

  Good God, they had set this up? Jewel felt sick with betrayal.

  ‘Nay.’ Sarah’s voice was firm. ‘She ain’t rotten like us. And that’s how it’s staying.’

  ‘Is that so? And what’s that, then, growing in her belly? The next Lord and Saviour?’

  Ignoring her sister’s remark, Sarah turned back to the man. ‘Off her. Now!’

  Finally, mumbling profanities, he shifted his weight. Jewel could barely breathe with relief as she wriggled out from under him and ran into Sarah’s arms. She clung to her, sha
king uncontrollably.

  ‘Come on.’ Sarah guided her to the door and, now, no one tried to prevent Jewel’s exit.

  Julia had returned her attention to her customer. Though her mother and the thwarted man shot daggers at Jewel, neither said anything further. As for Louise, in her drunken stupor beneath the man now ravishing her body, she was oblivious to it all.

  ‘Where will I go?’

  They had paused on the landing. Sarah gnawed her lip for a moment in thought. Then she nodded. ‘Wench downstairs will take thee in the night, don’t fret.’

  ‘And the morrow?’ Jewel’s throat was thick with tears. ‘Sarah, what the hell am I going to do?’

  ‘Shh. Come. Things won’t seem so bad in t’ morning, they never do.’

  *

  To Jewel’s surprise, Sarah’s prophecy bore fruit. She awoke in the strange dwelling the next day to find Louise standing over her.

  ‘You all right?’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘Mam were wrong fetching that fella back for thee.’

  ‘Mebbe, but …’ Jewel shrugged. ‘She’s right, though, in’t she? I should be paying my way.’

  ‘Well, they ain’t out of pocket none, are they? I’m the one tipping up extra brass for thee.’

  ‘All right, well, it ain’t right you keeping me, then.’

  ‘What you saying?’

  Jewel held out a hand and, when Louise had helped her to her feet, she nodded determinedly. ‘I’m for finding myself employment. I’ll pay youse back somehow.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. Who’ll take you on in your condition?’

  ‘I ain’t an invalid, Louise. There’s plenty I can manage. Besides, I ain’t so big yet, am I?’ Looking down at the neat globe of her stomach, she pursed her lips. ‘Happen I could still conceal it for now …’

  ‘Where will you ask, like?’

  Again, Jewel shrugged. ‘The inns or shops, see if any require a skivvy. It’s worth a try. ’Ere,’ she added suddenly, face brightening. ‘Happen you could enquire along with me.’

  ‘Me?’ The girl was genuinely surprised at the suggestion. ‘But I know nowt.’

  ‘You could learn. What have you got to lose? Surely to God, Louise, you can’t enjoy what you’re doing now.’

  A defensive look crossed her face then slowly melted into one of despondency. ‘Course I don’t. I mean, sometimes it ain’t so bad with the sound sorts. It’s the others, the dirty buggers with a fancy for filth, who spoil it. Relations with them I can’t stand.’

  ‘Well, then. I know it’s Boxing Day, but there’s bound to be a few places open.’ The Bank Holidays Act, passed two years before, was designed to ease the pressure on workers. However, some family-run businesses, unwilling to lose a day’s earnings, chose to ignore it. ‘So?’ she pressed. ‘You’ll come out looking with me?’

  There was a long hesitation, then: ‘Aye, if you like.’

  Jewel smiled, filled with hope. She’d failed to convince Sarah there was another way, but now, just maybe … Oh, if only she could help Louise free herself of this life her feckless mother had normalised for her, she’d feel her time here had meant something after all.

  ‘We’ve got bacon going on t’ fire. You coming up?’

  With thoughts of facing the others, Jewel’s mood dipped. ‘What about your mother, Julia?’

  ‘It’s all right; there’s enough bacon for us all.’

  ‘I weren’t talking about the grub, and you know it.’

  Louise flashed a grin. ‘Forget about all that, now, eh? Mam has.’

  How very noble of her – she’s the one in the wrong, not I! thought Jewel, bristling. But she kept quiet. Louise was trying to be peacemaker and she wouldn’t throw it back in her face. However, if Louise’s mam ever pulled another trick like the one last night, Jewel knew she wouldn’t be responsible for her actions. No one got to mistreat her like that twice and get away with it.

  ‘Come on, then. I’m clemmed.’

  After thanking Sarah’s friend for her kindness in putting her up, Jewel followed Louise upstairs. When they entered, neither Julia nor her mother, who were huddled around the fire nursing thick heads from last night’s gin, looked up. Nor did they make mention of Jewel’s assault, and she was inclined to follow suit, preferring not to converse with them now, anyway, unless necessary.

  ‘All right?’ Sarah mouthed across to her as she sat down, then winked softly when Jewel nodded.

  ‘Where you off to, then?’ Louise’s mother asked her a little after breakfast when she and Jewel donned their shawls – Jewel’s being an old one of the girls’ given to replace her own left behind in Bolton; she was grateful for it as the weather grew more bitter with the shortened days – and headed for the door.

  Louise hesitated before answering. ‘Forra walk.’

  ‘A walk?’ sniggered Julia. ‘Since when did you go for walks?’

  ‘Since now, all right, so shut tha trap,’ Louise snapped, and Jewel saw her confidence about their job search begin to wane.

  ‘Come on, then,’ she urged before Louise could change her mind. ‘Fresh air will do us good.’ She waited until they had reached the street before asking, ‘Why didn’t you tell them the truth about where we’re going?’

  ‘I don’t know. Happen in case they laughed?’

  A wave of sadness for this girl and the horrid lifestyle she had only ever known washed through Jewel. She brought her to a stop and took both her hands in hers. ‘You deserve more than this. You’re better than this – better than the pair of them back there, an’ all – and don’t you forget it.’

  Louise blinked with an expression of slight puzzlement, as though Jewel had spoken another language she hadn’t understood. Though Jewel knew she was likely at a loss how to respond. Evidently, she’d severely lacked any form of support or encouragement throughout her life.

  ‘Shall we try there first?’ Jewel pointed to a boot mender’s up ahead. ‘What d’you reckon?’

  ‘Do I look presentable?’

  ‘Aye,’ she was able to answer truthfully; Louise spared the rouge and ostentatious headwear during the day. ‘You’ll be fine,’ she encouraged, sensing the girl’s nervousness. ‘Just be polite. Oh, and don’t forget to smile.’

  Despite their best efforts, they were no closer to finding employment two hours later. Thirsty and tired, their teeth clacking from the cold, they eventually drew to a halt with simultaneous sighs.

  ‘We could allus try again the morrow,’ suggested Jewel, though her words held little enthusiasm.

  ‘Aye, come on. I’m frozzen.’

  Each place they had tried either already employed a scrubbing girl or they took one look at Jewel’s full stomach and empty ring finger – though she did her best to hide both – and quickly sent them on their way.

  ‘I’m for thinking, Louise, happen you’d be best going out by yourself next time. I’m just hindering your chances with my condition. You’d fare better at finding summat were I not with thee.’

  ‘Nay, I—’ But the girl didn’t get to finish her sentence, for a voice behind them stole their attention:

  ‘Miss Nightingale?’

  Halting in cold shock, Jewel turned slowly.

  ‘Why, it is you, Miss Nightingale! Hello!’

  Good God in heaven. No …

  ‘I believed at first that my eyes were deceiving me, but no. What are you doing here?’

  ‘Well, I …’ Trying desperately to hide her bump beneath the folds of her shawl, Jewel cleared her throat. ‘I didn’t know you hailed from Manchester, Mrs Kirkwood.’

  ‘Yes, yes.’ She held up the wicker basket she carried, filled to the brim with provisions. ‘I’m out delivering alms to the needy. So many poor wretches of this city without even a crust of bread most days …’ Voice soft with compassion, she shook her head. ‘A travesty, oh indeed.’

  ‘That’s kind of thee, Mrs Kirkwood.’ And Jewel meant it. Not many from the privileged classes gave such consideration to their less f
ortunate counterparts. Mind you, this lady had shown herself to be sound-hearted since the day they had met, hadn’t she? She was certainly a rare breed. ‘Oh, I wanted the opportunity to say,’ Jewel added suddenly as the thought occurred, ‘ta ever so for them pictures you got me back in Mawdsley Street. Reet bonny, they are, and brighten the kitchen walls up no end.’

  ‘Oh, you’re most welcome. We must spread happiness where we can.’ She motioned to the basket to reiterate her beliefs and smiled. Then: ‘So, Miss Nightingale?’ she pressed. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘I … I’m in Manchester caring for a sick aunt. Aye. Mr Birch, he kindly gave me leave. But he’s gorra new lass to tend to his household until I return,’ she was quick to reassure her.

  ‘I see. Well, I do hope your aunt regains good health soon,’ the lady offered sincerely. Her eyes then flickered to Louise with interest.

  ‘This is … my cousin, Mrs Kirkwood. She’s seeking new employment and, as my aunt was comfortable and sleeping, I offered to accompany Louise in her search.’ Jewel’s heart was beating so fast she could barely feel it. The lies were tripping from her tongue and she knew that, unless she cut this astonishing meeting short, and soon, she’d slip up and all would be lost. Take your leave of us, Mrs Kirkwood. Please, please …

  ‘Do you have experience of being in service?’ Mrs Kirkwood had turned her smiling face to Louise. ‘It just so happens that friends of mine, who reside not too far from here, are currently an under-housemaid short. I could put you in touch with them if you’d like?’

  ‘Ay, ma’am. You’d do that for me?’ The girl’s face was alight with amazement.

  ‘Why, of course.’

  ‘Oh. But …’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’ve never done maid work afore. Happen they’ll want someone what don’t require training.’

  ‘Hm, perhaps. But there is no harm in trying. Would you like the address? You may, of course, mention that I recommend you for the position.’