A Mother's Dilemma

by Emma Hornby

  Louise glanced to Jewel, who nodded encouragingly. ‘Can I ask, ma’am, d’you know what the wages will be?’

  Jewel shot the girl a warning look, but she ignored her. Fancy asking summat like that of the lady!

  ‘Oh, I … I’m afraid I couldn’t say. That would, naturally, be at your employer’s discretion—’

  ‘But if you had to hazard a guess?’ the girl persisted. ‘What’s the going rate, like?’

  ‘Louise.’ Jewel tried to communicate again with her eyes. ‘Mebbe don’t put these questions to Mrs Kirk—’

  ‘I need to know is all.’

  ‘I suppose, initially,’ intervened the lady, though it was evident she found the topic somewhat unorthodox, ‘I would place the figure at around ten pounds per annum.’

  Louise did a quick calculation on her fingers. She lifted her head slowly. ‘But that’s not even a pound a month. Me, toil morning noon and night for less than five shillings a week? Huh! Sorry, but no thank you!’

  The ensuing silence was deafening. Mrs Kirkwood had blushed a soft pink. Jewel, on the other hand, was scarlet with mortification. Hand on hip, Louise looked from one to the other with an incredulous arch of her eyebrow.

  The ungracious, thankless young …! ‘Louise,’ Jewel hissed through the side of her mouth. ‘God above—’

  ‘Oh, I meant nowt by it – honest, I’m grateful to thee for wanting to help,’ she added to Mrs Kirkwood. ‘It’s just, well, at the moment, I can earn that in a single shift on a good day.’

  Mother of God. Jewel’s hand crept up to cover her burning face. You foolish bloody idiot! Why would you say that? Now she knows … she knows …!

  ‘Is that so?’ Mrs Kirkwood’s lips had stiffened slightly in understanding. ‘Then I don’t think there is anything further to discuss.’ To Jewel, she continued with a small frown, ‘Well, I must get on with my house calls. Good day, Miss Nightingale.’

  ‘Goodbye, Mrs …’ But the lady was already striding up Great Ancoats Street. Cringing, Jewel buried her face in her shawl. ‘My God.’

  ‘What’s the matter with thee?’

  ‘What’s the matter? That was the sister of my employer back in Bolton. What d’you think she’ll say when she sees him next? How d’you think he’ll react to hear of the company I’ve been keeping in my absence? He’ll dismiss me for this, for certain.’

  ‘I don’t see how. I didn’t make mention of how exactly I make my living—’

  ‘Oh, wake up, Louise!’ Hands bunched into fists, Jewel trembled with anger. ‘Someone of your standing – our standing – fetching home such a sum as five shillings a day? How else would that be possible?’

  The girl thought for a moment then shrugged. ‘Aye, all right. Happen I shouldn’t have said it.’

  ‘Nay, that’s correct, you shouldn’t. And your rudeness, to boot! She went out of her way to help you, and what did yer do? You threw it back in her face. I’m so bloody disappointed in thee. I thought you wanted to change things, improve your life?’

  ‘Aye well. Not for a pittance, I don’t.’

  Jewel closed her mouth. What was the use? However much she could argue the point, it would make no difference. Her advice was falling on deaf ears and she hadn’t the energy for it any more. Sod her. Let her live a life of debauchery for ever more. She was done.

  ‘Domestic service, mill work, scrubbing shop bleedin’ floors … it might pay poorly to your standards, aye. But d’you know what, Louise?’ Her voice shook with quiet passion. ‘You can’t put a price on respectability.’

  Louise said nothing.

  After a last look in the direction Maxwell’s sister had disappeared in, Jewel sighed and headed back towards Canal Street.

  Chapter 18

  FEBRUARY WINDS BLOWING in across the River Irwell throttled the house, breathed its dull howl down the chimney and rattled the windows in their rotten frames. On her bed of rags before the long-dead fire, Jewel gritted her teeth against another spasm.

  Over the past hour, the dragging ache in her lower back had spread around the front and now, spears of fire were attacking her stomach at regular intervals. Running a hand over the taut mound, she swallowed hard. Then, once more, she began to pray.

  ‘Jewel?’

  She blinked through the thick darkness. It couldn’t be. Her senses were skewed; she’d imagined it. It couldn’t be.

  ‘Lass, are you awake?’

  ‘Mam?’ The name fluttered through Jewel’s lips like a mist on the breeze.

  Footfalls sounded, drew nearer, grew still close by. ‘Has it started?’

  ‘Mam …’

  ‘It’s Sarah, lass. Hang about, now, whilst I fetch a candle.’

  An amber flash split the air. Squeezing shut her eyes, Jewel turned her face from its luridness.

  ‘You’re as pale as tripe. Why didn’t you alert one of us? Is the pain bad?’

  ‘I want my mam.’

  The woman sighed. Placing on to the table the tin plate holding the candle, to allow the guttering light to illuminate a wider area, she said soothingly, ‘You’ll have to make do with me, but I’ll see you through this, fret not. I’ll not stray from your side.’

  ‘It’s not … time.’

  ‘How early are thee?’

  Another pain ripped through Jewel. She panted through it before answering. ‘A month. Mebbe six weeks.’

  ‘Well, the babby’s not looking like it’s for stopping put, so we’ll have to make the best of it. Now, I’m just going to lift your skirts and see what’s occurring. All right?’

  ‘Aye.’

  Kneeling before her, Sarah threw the folds of material back and removed her underclothes. She reached for the candle and brought it near – then let out a short, sharp gasp. ‘Oh, hell’s teeth!’

  ‘What? What is it?’

  The woman rose slowly. The candlelight fell across her face and Jewel saw it was now white with worry.

  ‘Sarah?’ she pressed.

  ‘It’s like this, lass. The child’s coming out in an unnatural position. I just … I ain’t never seen the like afore, I …’

  ‘Unnatural?’ Prickles of fear journeyed down Jewel’s spine. ‘How?’

  ‘An arm, it … it’s out. There’s an arm. I can see it.’

  Too stunned to speak, unable to process the statement, Jewel simply stared at her open-mouthed. Then another blade of agony tore through her insides, making her scream, and this seemed to jolt Sarah’s senses.

  ‘Right.’ She nodded wildly. ‘All right, erm … Oh God, what to do …? Nay, mustn’t panic. Ah, I know. I know!’ She leaned in close and, breathing heavily with anxiety, stroked Jewel’s hair. ‘I’m going to have to leave thee just forra short while—’

  ‘Nay! Sarah, please—!’

  ‘Lass, I must. Look see, the others shall keep watch whilst I’m away,’ she added, glancing around the room to where the women were sitting up, roused by the ruckus. ‘I’ll be as quick as I can, I swear it.’

  ‘But where are you going?’ whimpered Jewel before yet another contraction gripped her: ‘Oh, Mother of God, it hurts so much!’

  ‘I know, my lovey. Eeh, I must go!’ Scrambling to her feet, Sarah tore towards the door and was gone.

  The intensity of the pain was stealing Jewel’s faculties. Pins of light popped behind her eyes and all sound faded. She was vaguely aware of Louise and her sister and mother crowding around her but she couldn’t talk or move at all. Then an aged face appeared through the dim light. The mouth smiled, and something within the eyes’ grey depths brought a whisper of comfort. They spoke of wiseness, life experience and of trust. And somehow, she knew she was in safe hands.

  ‘There were only one person whose professional services I could call upon,’ said Sarah, dropping to her knees again by Jewel’s side. ‘This here’s Minnie Maddox, and she’s going to help thee through this, God willing. If anyone can, it’s her.’

  ‘Lass?’ The voice was soft but assured. ‘How are you feeling?’
r />   ‘Please … Help me, Mrs Maddox.’

  ‘No hysterics. They’ll do no one any good. Deep breaths. Now tell me, how do you feel? Are the pains strong and frequent?’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘And what’s the pain like?’

  ‘Knives,’ Jewel forced out through her teeth.

  ‘Where?’

  ‘My back and stomach.’

  ‘Between your legs also? Is there much pressure?’

  ‘I don’t think so. Nay.’

  Minnie nodded. Rolling up her sleeves, she turned to Sarah. ‘Pass me my bag, lass. The rest of youse,’ she told the other women, ‘move back, now. Give the girl some air.’

  ‘Will I die?’ whispered Jewel as the wizened woman returned her attention to her.

  ‘I’ll do my best for you. You have my word.’

  Inexplicable terror gripped Jewel in its jaws. ‘And the child?’

  ‘We’ll see.’

  For the next few minutes, Minnie worked in silence. She examined between Jewel’s legs then felt her bump, pressing firmly all over. Finally, she reached inside her bag and brought out a spool of thick twine.

  ‘What’s to be done, Minnie?’ asked Sarah.

  ‘What we have here is an obstructed labour. As you’ve seen, the left hand, arm and shoulder are presenting. They need pushing back up, then we rotate the child so as it can be delivered breech. Risky, I grant you, but it’s the only way. Left much longer, the shoulder will get lower and the chest will become wedged in the pelvic cavity. If that occurs, the baby will suffocate, and the lass could suffer a rupture.’

  ‘Will tha turn the child by massaging the lass’s stomach, then?’

  ‘Nay. It must be an internal rotation.’

  Every woman emitted a collective breath, though, in her semi-delirious state, Jewel failed to understand why, couldn’t make sense of anything much.

  ‘Oh ’eck,’ Sarah murmured shakily. ‘Have you performed this afore, Minnie?’

  ‘Not me, but I’ve witnessed it.’

  ‘And … was it successful?’

  The woman was silent for a moment. ‘Nay.’

  ‘Oh ’eck,’ Sarah repeated.

  ‘But, as I vowed to the lass here, I’ll do my best. Mind, if the child does pull through, the trauma will likely leave it with abnormalities.’

  ‘I don’t care a fig about that.’ The words left Jewel’s lips of their own accord. ‘Just save it. Please save my baby.’

  Minnie’s eyes creased. Then, squaring her shoulders, she nodded once. ‘You feel to be dilated enough, so … let’s get to work.’

  ‘What can I do to help, Minnie?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘Fetch some lard.’

  Sarah hurried off to borrow from the wench downstairs what Minnie had requested. Meanwhile, Minnie busied herself making a slip noose with the twine from her bag.

  Sarah returned triumphant, and Minnie liberally slathered her left arm in the greasy white substance. Then she grasped the baby’s limb and slowly, carefully, passed it back inside Jewel. This done, she took the noose and once more inserted her hand. Pursing her lips, she pushed up inside the uterus to the elbow, and Jewel’s terrible screams rebounded off the walls.

  ‘Be still as you can, lass,’ Minnie murmured, face wreathed in concentration. ‘Almost got it … There. It’s done.’ When finally she extracted her arm, she still held in her hand a length of the twine. Only, now, the noose end was inside and had been passed around the baby’s foot and secured around the ankle.

  ‘What’s next?’ panted Jewel, doing her utmost to remain brave, though she was convinced she was dying. She had to be; it wasn’t humanly possible to experience this level of pain and survive, surely?

  ‘Now comes the internal rotation, lass. You’re doing reet well, but I’ll need to use two hands for this so brace yourself.’

  As Minnie lubricated her other arm, Jewel scrunched her eyes tight shut. In her mind, she prayed to God, and to her earthly father, Fred, to keep and protect her. All the while, she wished with all that she was that her mam was here. She’d have given anything for it to be so. Anything.

  After taking a long deep breath, Minnie now inserted her right hand. Further, further she continued to push, manoeuvring the child up and around. Then she inserted her left hand still holding the twine again, and tugged the foot downwards.

  If Jewel had thought the agony couldn’t get worse, she was mistaken. It increased in violence by the second and, though her voice screamed on, she felt herself slipping away. This must be what disembowelment was like. It truly felt as if her viscera were being hacked from her with hot blades. She couldn’t keep her lids open, was leaving this place, dying …

  ‘Thanks be to God, the other foot has followed.’ Minnie’s words scratched on the outskirts of Jewel’s brain. ‘Right, lass. Lass? I know you’re exhausted but come, you must wake up.’

  Jewel blinked up into her worried face. ‘I can’t. I’m … finished.’

  ‘Nay, you ain’t. Now listen. The child is in the breech position. The feet are out already and, when your next pain comes, I want you to push for me. All right?’

  ‘Can’t …’

  ‘Yes, you can. We’re nearly there.’

  The familiar scorch built and tore through her body. Lifting her knees, Jewel thrashed her head from side to side.

  ‘Push! Push!’

  Bearing down with all her might, she released a high-pitched shriek to the ceiling. A gush of warm liquid spilled from her, then the child forced its way out. Crying and laughing in sheer relief, she grasped at the air with hungry hands. ‘Give it to me. Give me my baby.’

  ‘It’s a girl.’ Grinning from ear to ear, Minnie placed the slippery, squawking infant on her chest.

  Jewel gazed in open-mouthed infatuation at the miracle in front of her. ‘Is she …? Is there anything …?’

  ‘There don’t appear to be any damage to the child,’ Minnie told her. ‘Mind, I’ll check her over in a minute. You enjoy her awhile first.’

  ‘Eeh, lass.’ Sarah put her cheek, damp with tears, against Jewel’s.

  ‘My daughter, Sarah. I have a daughter.’

  ‘Aye, you do.’

  Memories reached her of the birth that had taken place in this very room not so long ago, and she glanced around in search of Louise. Their eyes met, and the girl smiled without a hint of bitterness for her own lost child. Jewel returned it then gazed up at the elderly woman to whom she owed so very much.

  ‘Mrs Maddox, I don’t know what to say, don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank thee—’

  ‘There’s none needed. I’m glad I could help, aye.’ She motioned to the baby. ‘Shall I have a look at her, then, see that she’s well?’

  Nodding, Jewel handed her over. Though she knew that no matter if something – anything – did ail her, physically or mentally, she couldn’t love her less. And love her she did, more than she’d ever dared believe. Benji and all that went with it meant not a thing any more. Her child, and hers alone …

  ‘Norra thing wrong with her, as far as I can see,’ Minnie eventually announced with some amazement. ‘You, lass, could do with tending to, mind. Glory be to God, you didn’t bleed too heavily; though you tore quite a bit, aye. You’ll be tender forra good few weeks, I’m betting.’

  ‘I’ll patch her up, Minnie,’ said Sarah.

  ‘You sure?’

  ‘Aye, I know what to do. You go on home and get some rest and take my true and honest thanks along with yer. I don’t know what we’d have done without thee.’

  After seeing the woman out, Sarah reached beneath her skirts into the cloth pouch attached to a length of string around her waist and extracted some coins. She handed them to her sister. ‘Here. Youse three go and get a bite and a sup at the inn whilst I clean the girl up, like.’

  The women didn’t need telling twice and after donning their hats took their leave – though Louise did give Jewel a last small smile before following the others out.

 
With the help of a little brandy to take the edge off, Jewel bore the stitching. When Sarah was done and had helped her into the bed, Jewel held out her arms eagerly. The child was placed into them and she breathed easier.

  ‘She’s a bonny ’un, all right,’ murmured Sarah, gazing down at her. ‘Do you have a name yet?’

  ‘Nay.’ Jewel’s tone was quiet but firm. ‘Nor will I bestow one. That’s summat for her new parents to decide.’

  ‘Oh, I see. That’s what you’re intending, then?’

  ‘It is. What can I give her? Love just ain’t enough, Sarah. It ain’t.’ Tears thickened her throat. ‘She deserves a home, regular food in her belly, decent clothes on her back. A proper family, with a mother and a father. She’ll not get them from me. What Louise felt she had to do … this is me doing the same. Sparing the suffering. Putting my child first.’

  ‘For what it’s worth, I agree.’

  A little of Jewel’s guilt subsided. ‘You do?’

  ‘Aye. It’s the one, most selfless gift a parent in our position can give. Trust me, you’re doing the right thing.’

  The love that this life had awakened in Jewel was like nothing she’d known before or would ever have thought possible. Now, she was more determined than ever that her daughter would have the very best future she could deliver. And she’d do everything in her power to see that it happened. Whatever it took.

  Her eyes flicked to the painting of the geraniums. She lifted her chin with resolution. Whatever it took.

  ‘Sarah? Do you know of anyone who can help?’

  ‘With getting the child adopted?’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘But where in the world would you find the brass?’

  Jewel glanced away as she sought to think up something feasible. But, of course, she couldn’t. All the women knew she hadn’t two farthings to rub together. The child arriving early had only complicated matters further. She’d still been holding on to the hope that she’d find some mode of employment before it made an appearance, and that she’d be able to put money aside for this very eventuality. Anything would have been better than nothing; she’d have begged the procurers on her knees to consider dropping their fee, to take instead what she would have had to offer. She couldn’t do that now, could she? You couldn’t barter a deal with nothing.