Anywhere But Here

by Paul, JL

  “What’s going on, Rena?” he asked. “Fin said you two got into a wicked argument and he’s really worried.”

  “It’s nothing,” I mumbled, avoiding his gaze. “I’m fine.”

  “No, you’re not,” Damon said, shaking me gently. “You’re not. You’re falling apart. I haven’t said a word because I thought Fin was trying to talk to you but he said you clam up and won’t say a thing.”

  “Because there’s nothing to say,” I stated. “Nothing. Now let me go. I think I’ll eat lunch in my car.”

  “Don’t avoid him,” Damon said. “He feels awful.”

  “Yeah, well,” I said as I wrenched out of his grip. “That’s his own fault. See you later.”

  I felt horrible for snipping at Damon but I didn’t need him getting on my case, too. I didn’t see why people couldn’t just mind their own business. If I wanted them to know what was going on, I’d tell them. It was as simple as that.

  I sat in my car, letting the engine idle and the heater run, flipping through the radio stations. When it was time to go to class, I dashed inside, fetched my books, and ran to Creative Writing. My heart was thumping not only because I’d have to face Fin but also because I had no assignment to turn in.

  Fin was already in his seat when I entered the class and my heart trembled. I let my eyes linger on him for a moment then forbade them to look at him again. I settled in my seat and concentrated on Mr. Ellis, blocking Fin’s stiff posture from my peripheral vision.

  “Please pass your essays to the front,” Mr. Ellis requested. The girl in front of me turned to collect my paper but I just shook my head. She shrugged and handed hers forward. I avoided looking at Fin, even from the corner of my eye, and kept my gaze straight ahead.

  The class dragged on even longer than my morning classes but I kept my cool. I was proud of my determination as I hadn’t once caved and looked to my right. I even felt a tiny smile on my lips.

  When class finally ended, I quickly gathered my things, eager to get to the door but Mr. Ellis stopped me. My cheeks flamed as my classmates glanced curiously at me – Fin more than the others. When the room was empty, Mr. Ellis propped his frame against his desk and motioned for me to take a seat.

  “Is there a problem?” I asked in an innocent voice.

  “You didn’t turn in your essay,” he said. “I was looking your way and thought maybe you hadn’t so I checked. Do you have a reason?”

  “Um,” I said, a cool sweat breaking out on the back of my neck. “Yeah, sort of.”

  “Well?” he prodded.

  “It’s hard,” I whispered.

  His brow creased, leaving deep grooves in his forehead. He bent closer as if he hadn’t heard my reply. “It’s hard?”

  I nodded, studying the faded graffiti on the desk. “I couldn’t think of what to write.”

  I lifted my head to judge his reaction and flinched at his narrowed eyes. He wasn’t buying it at all so I tried to think up another excuse.

  “Rena,” he sighed. “I know you’re on probation here and the only reason why I’m harping on you about this assignment is because I don’t want this to start a trend. I know that if you slip up, you’ll be expelled and I’d hate to see that happen.”

  “Sorry,” I mumbled.

  “I’m not a bad guy,” he said with a cheesy smile. “If you’re having a problem, I swear, you can talk to me. I will keep it confidential.”

  I jumped out of the desk, nearly toppling it over. “Why does everyone seem to think I need help?” I said, voice rising. “Why can’t everyone just leave me alone? I’m fine.”

  Startled, Mr. Ellis blinked slowly at me. “Okay, calm down.” His lips pulled into a frown. “How about this – I’ll give you an extra week to finish it. Just don’t tell your classmates.” And he smiled again as if he’d just offered me a full scholarship to an Ivy League school and a brand new sports car. But I couldn’t complain – at least he wasn’t dragging me kicking and screaming to the counselor’s office.

  “Sure. Okay. Thanks,” I said as I picked up my backpack. “I need to get to class.”

  I stormed through the halls amidst snickering and loud whispers. I wondered how many had heard me blow up at Mr. Ellis. I wondered how many thought the rumors regarding my mental status were founded. I wondered why I cared.

  I plopped down at my desk and rested my head on my arms, not bothering with any homework. Gina didn’t even try to keep her voice down as she spoke with her friends, the topic of their conversation being me and Fin, of course.

  Fin. My heart shattered when I thought of him. I had truly missed him all day. Maybe I hadn’t been fair. But he just needed to trust me when I told him that I was fine. My eyes watered again and a few tears escaped. I let them. I was too tired to stop them. I was too tired to care. I was too tired to fight.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Life was crappy. It was worse than crappy – it was hell. I’d managed to get through work Monday night but it sucked big time. Although I’d prepared myself, I was still upset when Fin didn’t show up after practice. He didn’t even send Isaiah in to buy a drink for him. They must have either driven the extra ten minutes to the other convenience store located on the interstate or they managed to get to the small grocery store before it closed. I supposed that I couldn’t blame him - I’d gone out of my way to avoid him all day.

  Tuesday was pathetic, to say the least, an entire step down from miserable. I was convinced everyone was looking at me and talking behind their hands. I kept my head down, trying the best I could to be invisible.

  When lunch rolled around, I hurried to my locker, planning to hide either in my car or the library for the period. Damon was waiting for me, solemn look on his face. I sighed.

  “Hi, Damon,” I muttered as I opened my locker and threw my books inside. I slammed the door and leaned against it, waiting for him to speak.

  “Where are you going today?”

  I shrugged. “Haven’t decided. Why?”

  “Are you ready to talk to me yet?” Damon asked as his eyes bored into mine.

  “My parents separated, okay? It’s not a pleasant situation.” I glanced down the hall, desperate to break his gaze.

  “That doesn’t explain why you’re not speaking to Fin anymore,” he pressed.

  “Maybe Fin’s parents don’t approve of divorce,” I reasoned. “They are older, you know. Maybe they’re old school or something.”

  “That is so ridiculous,” he said in disbelief. “Both of Fin’s parents were married once before. They both divorced their first spouses – didn’t Fin tell you that?”

  I vaguely recalled Fin telling me exactly that. I also remembered him telling me about his half-siblings. I had no other excuse to offer Damon and my brain had reverted to sleep mode – the screen saver was even on.

  “We argued, okay? And I don’t want to talk about it,” I said as I pushed away from the lockers. I decided that maybe hiding out in the library would be a good idea and took a few steps in that direction. “I’m sorry, Damon, I don’t mean to be rude but I just don’t want to talk.”

  “Fine,” he said, defeated. “But how much longer do you think you can keep everything inside before it starts to tear you apart? You’re not a super-being or anything, you know.”

  I snorted. “Never claimed to be.”

  He shook his head slowly. “I like you, Rena. I think you’re a great person, but I have to agree with Fin – I think there is something serious going on with you.”

  I stepped closer to him, anger throbbing throughout my body. “What, you guys discuss me behind me back now? Gossiping with the rest of them?” My voice rose several shaky octaves.

  Damon’s eyes enlarged as he held up a hand. “Whoa, now. Easy! I’m not a gossip and you know that. We’re your friends and we’re worried about you.”

  “Sure, whatever,” I said as I spun around and stalked down the hall toward the library. I expected him to call out to me but he didn’t. Maybe he gave up and dec
ided to join my supposed friends so they could gossip about my latest outburst.

  Fuming, I stormed through the library in search of a private spot where I could sit and stew without prying eyes. I found a cushy chair, grabbed a random book off a shelf, and plopped down. I opened the book but didn’t see a word, just held it in front of my face so the librarian wouldn’t kick me out for loitering.

  How dare they talk about me when I wasn’t there! How dare they try to figure out my life like they had a right! I bet they even talked about me at the dinner table with their families!

  My cheeks burned in embarrassment as I imagined the family discussions. I imagined parents advising their children on how to handle their crazy friend. I’m sure they made conference calls to each other so they could compare notes and plot some sort of intervention. I bet they even called Sabrina and included her.

  I shot straight up. Sabrina! She knew about Camille! Would she keep her promise to me or would she hear the concern in Damon’s voice and just spill the beans?

  I slumped down in my chair, placing the book over my face. Would it be easier just to tell them? The burden of carrying my secret was growing quite heavy and it was starting to hurt – make my heart ache.

  But wouldn’t I only be doing myself a favor by telling them? Wouldn’t I just be making myself feel better by getting it off my chest? I didn’t deserve that – not at all. And to be perfectly honest, I was a coward. Not only did I not want the sympathy – I didn’t deserve it – but I didn’t want to see the accusations in their eyes. They’d hate me as much as I hated myself. They’d realize that my selfishness was the reason why my sister was gone.

  I couldn’t take much more – it was all building up inside my chest like an over-inflated balloon. Sooner or later it was going to burst and then what would happen?

  The ringing of the bell made me jump to my feet, startled by the sound. I glanced about but no one was near so I crammed the book back on a shelf and practically ran to my locker. As I collected my books, I knew there was no way I could sit in class next to Fin but I couldn’t skip again. Hoisting my bag over my shoulder, I went straight to the nurse’s office. I feigned horrible menstrual cramps and she let me nap on a cot until the end of the day.

  ***

  Wednesday morning dawned sunny and bright but it definitely didn’t lift my mood. When I entered my first class that morning, I was quickly reminded that I needed to get on the bus immediately for the senior field trip. Groaning, I sprinted through the halls. making it in the nick of time. I dropped into the first empty seat and held my bag close to my chest.

  I’d forgotten all about the stupid senior field trip even though posters had been plastered all over the halls for the past two weeks. Apparently, every year the seniors got to choose where they’d like to go for a winter trip – the only stipulation being that it had educational value. Our class chose the Field Museum just outside of Morrisson which might have normally sounded boring but actually, from what Aunt Franki had described, wasn’t in the least. The Museum had more than just dinosaur bones and Amish artifacts but usually hosted a huge exhibit every year. One year they hosted a Baseball Hall of Fame exhibit in which items that were usually on display in Cooperstown were showcased in Morrisson.

  This year, the main attraction was an exhibit dedicated to music – everything from Motown to emo. I remembered being excited when Fin had first told me about it but that excitement was somewhere on the side of the road.

  As soon as the bus parked and opened its doors, I was out like a shot. I lingered around the front of the bus, the heat from the engine protecting me from the frigid end of January weather, and waited while the rest of my classmates exited, comingling with the students on the other bus. My heart shattered when I peeked around the bus and spotted Fin. It nearly seized when I spotted his mother. Apparently, Mrs. Finley had signed up at the last minute to chaperone because I certainly didn’t remember him mentioning that.

  “Great,” I mumbled as I scurried out from my hiding place and trailed behind the other students toward the door. I crossed my fingers, praying that Mrs. Finley wouldn’t notice me and decide to strike up a conversation. I didn’t want to explain to her why I wasn’t hanging out with her son any longer.

  When we gathered on the steps, I tried to maintain a low profile and keep a few people between me and the Finleys. My brilliant plan backfired as Mr. Ellis counted out ten people for Mrs. Finley’s group, including me in that bunch. Fin looked slightly horrified when he turned to see who was in his group but Mrs. Finley flashed a tight smile. I returned it but didn’t move closer to speak to her or anyone else.

  The only thing that seemed to be going my way that morning was that Gina and her friends were not placed in my group – they were in a group directly in front of us. That didn’t stop Gina from lingering toward the back and flirting with Fin but he didn’t seem to flirt back. My heart cheered a little.

  Mrs. Finley led us through every exhibit – of course we weren’t allowed to skip the others and head straight for the music display – and I tried to lose myself in all the artifacts, but I was too concerned with Fin’s eyes constantly darting to mine. And then it came to me clear as a bell.

  I missed him.

  I missed our bantering. I missed his cocky arrogance when he spoke of his skills on the ice. I missed the warmth of his hand around mine. I missed knowing that there was someone at that hideous school who was truly on my side.

  I decided to tell him – just tell him every single thing. If, after he heard my story, he was disgusted with me, then okay. But I had to give him that chance. The problem was that the Museum was not the most conducive place for such a conversation. I’d have to corner him and ask him to meet me after work or something.

  I would wait until he wasn’t within earshot of his mother then ask him if we could talk. Unfortunately, he obviously felt that he needed to sort of hang out by her – maybe out of some kind of chivalry or something. Although I hadn’t taken the chance to look on the way to the Museum, I was betting that he had sat with her and would probably do the same on the way back. It was going to be difficult and I would have to just be patient.

  Then it happened – my world crumbled. And it happened just outside of the music exhibit. We were standing between two parallel lines of velvet rope, waiting to enter the wing when I spotted her. And my heart stopped. I only caught a brief glimpse of her profile but it was enough. Her blonde hair fell to the middle of her back and she was taller than I remembered and still slim. I watched, frozen, as she walked away, her arm linked with the arm of a woman I didn’t recognize. As they moved further and further away from me, I finally sprang into action – I couldn’t let them get away! I ducked under the velvet rope, sending the metal post it was attached to toppling to the ground, and took off at a sprint.

  “Camille!” I shouted, my pulse racing, my heart pumping with joy. Finally! There she was. “Camille!’

  I heard gasps and a minor commotion behind me but I couldn’t worry about it – I had to catch my sister and get her away from that woman!

  “Rena!” Fin called, his heavy footsteps gaining on me. “Wait a second.”

  I shook my head as my chest grew heavy and my breath winded. “Camille!” I yelled, pushing a couple out of my way as I darted through the crowd, desperate to keep the blonde head in sight. “Camille, wait, please!”

  “Rena, what are you doing?” Fin called behind me but I didn’t have time to stop and tell him. I was so afraid that if I took my eyes off of my sister she’d disappear again.

  I forced my legs to move faster, my lungs protesting. As I managed to gain a little ground, I wondered why my little sister didn’t stop to see who was calling for her. Did she forget about me? Was she mad, still, after all this time?

  “Hey!” a security guard yelled as I blew by him. “Hey! Girl! Slow down!”

  I ignored him, focused only on catching my sister. If he wanted to arrest me then he could do it after I got to Camille. The
n he could arrest that woman, too.

  I focused only on the two heads, bobbing and weaving through the crowd, completely oblivious to the ruckus I was creating so far behind them.

  A smile touched my lips when Camille and the woman stopped at an ice cream booth near the elevators. A gust of adrenalin hit me and I dashed toward them, eager to lay my hands on my little sister again. People glared, cursing at me but I didn’t care. They just didn’t understand – didn’t know the hell my family had gone through and perhaps if they witnessed our reunion, they’d forgive me. If not, the hell with them.

  I skidded to a halt a few yards from them. I bent to place my hands on my knees to catch my breath. I didn’t want to startle Camille with my disheveled appearance. I thought for a second that I should probably be cautious, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t contain myself. I needed to have my baby sister in my sight again.

  A hand clapped down on my shoulder just as I took a step forward. I nearly screamed until the gentle, yet confused, voice hit my ears.

  “Rena, what’s the matter? What are you doing?”

  I shook off Fin. “I can’t talk yet, Fin. Please. I will in a second. I’ll explain everything. Just move.” I hurried toward the blonde, huge smile plastered on my face. “Camille,” I said gently.

  The woman wrapped her arm around Camille’s shoulders as she leaned down to whisper something in Camille’s ear. My anger exploded. How dare she touch my sister! I stormed toward them, knocking people out of my way, until I was finally close enough to snatch the woman’s wrist and yank it off Camille.

  “Get your hands off my sister!” I ordered through clenched teeth.

  Both the woman and the girl turned, identical looks of shock on their faces, and my heart fell to my feet, splintering into a million pieces. Although the girl had high cheek bones and a cute, pert nose, she was not Camille.

  I stumbled back, an apology stuck in my throat, as the days, weeks, and months of desperation and loss and anger and agony zoomed forward to finally catch me and send my head spinning. I tumbled to the floor, my mouth wide open.