Anywhere But Here

by Paul, JL

  “No, no, no, no,” I chanted over and over. A shadow fell over me – a familiar one – but I couldn’t acknowledge it. The pain was too great. “No,” I said as tears blurred my vision before they streamed down my cheeks. “No, you have to be Camille. You just have to be!”

  “Rena?” Fin asked as he dropped to his knees and placed a cautious arm around me. “Rena?”

  “Are you okay, miss?” a security guard asked, perhaps the same one I’d angered only moments ago.

  “That girl attacked me,” the woman declared, wrapping the Camille look-a-like in her arms protectively.

  “I’m…” I tried to apologize but I suddenly couldn’t speak. My lungs tightened as if stuck in a vise and my throat closed. I shook my head as my entire body trembled uncontrollably.

  “Mom…” I heard Fin call, his voice watery. Then a roar erupted in my ears and drowned out most sounds.

  Mrs. Finley’s pale face appeared in mine and her cool hands cupped my cheeks. I could see her lips moving but I had no clue what she was saying. My hands tangled in my hair, pulling at the tresses painfully yet I could barely feel it. The world was slanting as more and more faces popped up in my line of vision: Mr. Ellis, the security guard, some classmates.

  I struggled to get my breath as my chest heaved, hurling itself toward oxygen. My head grew lighter and I had an urge to lie down on the cool tiles but someone was behind me, preventing me from falling. And then suddenly, my hearing cleared and the erratic commotion entered them.

  “I called 911.”

  “How about her parents?”

  “She lives with her aunt.”

  “Do you have the phone number?”

  “Maybe it’s on her cell phone.”

  “Rena, sweetheart, where is your cell phone?”

  “I told you she was crazy.”

  “Rena, talk to me, please.”

  “Is there anything I can get her?”

  “What’s wrong with her?”

  The carousel in my head picked up the pace until it was spinning out of control. I closed my eyes to keep from vomiting and concentrated on the one thing that tied me to consciousness: Fin. It was his hand in mine – I could feel it. It was his voice that broke through the others.

  “Rena, please, say something.”

  I cracked an eye and turned my head slightly to find his face so close to mine. I smiled, imagining the kisses he’d given me and how wonderful he’d made me feel.

  “Where’s your cell?” he asked, his voice still a little warbled. I clumsily patted the front pocket of my jeans and felt the hard lump. There it was. Fin eased me back while someone else’s hands dug out my phone.

  “Excuse us. Let us through.”

  I tried to turn my head the other way but nausea prevented it. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the new voice belonged to a paramedic. Their cool hands poked and prodded me and their strong voices asked me questions that I couldn’t answer – I simply had no voice. They just loaded me on a gurney and wheeled me to an ambulance outside, muttering to someone something about anxiety attacks. Exhaustion swept over me so quickly I wasn’t able to take a full breath. All I wanted to do was just sleep but something prevented me. It was the slim girl with the blonde hair. The one that wasn’t Camille.

  “No,” I wheezed as the paramedics adjusted the gurney so they could slide me inside the vehicle. Someone – probably Fin – squeezed my hand. “Oh, no. Please. Camille.”

  As they lifted me into the ambulance and shut the doors, I managed to drop off into a restless, but blessed blackness.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I hadn’t been out too long – at least it didn’t feel that way – and I was vaguely aware of activity around me, though I didn’t open my eyes. The antiseptic smell was indication enough that I was in the hospital but I’d already known that was where I was headed.

  As I came more and more into myself, I could make out the rustling of clothing as someone crept around my bed but I still didn’t crack an eye. My head hurt just too much.

  A door opened and a soft set of footsteps approached the bed. “Is she awake yet?” Aunt Franki asked, her voice in a panic. “She’s been out for a while.”

  “I think she’s coming around. Any word from her parents yet?” a deep voice asked as cold hands yanked my eyelids up to shine a bright light in them.

  Flinching, I turned away, groaning as the pain in my head increased. “Don’t do that,” I mumbled.

  “Rena!” Aunt Franki sighed. Her hand slipped in mine. “Honey, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I said in a croaky voice, embarrassed to be lying in a hospital bed like a complete idiot. “Can I get out of here?”

  “Not yet,” the friendly voice said. I finally opened my eyes to a warm face with bright brown eyes and an inviting smile. “I’m Saundra and I’ll be your nurse.”

  “What’s wrong with me?” I asked.

  “You’ve suffered an anxiety attack,” Saundra informed me while she slowly adjusted the bed so I was in more of a sitting position. I spotted a man in a white coat scribbling notes and speaking softly to another nurse.

  “That doesn’t mean I have to stay here, does it?” I asked, my heart kicking up a notch. A machine out of my line of vision beeped and Saundra placed a gentle but firm hand on my forehead.

  “Shh, calm down, honey.” She adjusted a wire that was protruding from the unattractive hospital gown. I groaned. “Are you all right?”

  “I’m just wonderful,” I moaned. I draped an arm over my eyes as the incident in the Museum returned to my mind. A shudder of disgust racked my body as I wondered what everyone at school was saying and how I’d be able to face them when I went back the next day -or whenever I’d be allowed.

  “Honey,” Aunt Franki said as she stroked my arm. “Fin and his mother are outside. They’d like to see you – I think you really scared them.”

  I snorted as a wry smile curled my lips. Of course I’d scared them but it was nothing to how scared I suddenly felt to see them. “How long was I out?”

  “A couple of hours,” Saundra responded as she removed my arm from my eyes and placed a gadget in my hand. “Doc says it was your body's way of escaping for a while. Nothing to worry about, though. This is the call button – push it if you need me.” I opened my eyes as she turned to Aunt Franki. “I think the doctor would like to speak with you in the hall.”

  Aunt Franki patted my shoulder, forced smile on her face. “I’ll be right back. Should I send Fin in?”

  “Yeah,” I said with a long exhale. “Might as well.” I couldn’t avoid him forever – especially since I was stuck for the moment in the hospital.

  When everyone left, I closed my eyes so I could compose myself before facing the Finleys. I’d have to tell them – come clean at last. I probably should have just told Fin everything a long time ago.

  When the door whooshed open, I drew a deep breath, opening my eyes. Fin entered quietly, his face pale and his eyes questioning. He dragged a plastic chair next to my bed.

  “Hey,” I said, my voice scratchy.

  “You okay?”

  I nodded, wincing at the spike of pain to my brain. “Head hurts but yeah, I’m fine. I’m sorry you had to see that,” I said, turning my head away to hide my blush. I couldn’t stand him seeing me in a hospital bed with wires hooked to various points on my body. And I couldn’t stand that he’d witnessed my complete and utterly humiliating meltdown.

  “Rena,” he started. “I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have pressured you the way I did…”

  “No!” I said, whipping my head around. My hand flew to my forehead as pain rippled through my brain again, but I ignored it in my desperation to quell Fin’s guilt. “Don’t you dare blame yourself, Ian Finley! This one is entirely on me. I’m the one who didn’t say anything to anyone. I held it all in. I let it get to me.”

  He scooted closer and linked his hand with mine. “Maybe, but I kept nagging at you to tell me what was
going on.”

  “Yeah and if I would have told you, maybe I wouldn’t be here right now,” I grumbled. I let my head drop to the bed so I could stare up at the ceiling. “Roberta was right.”

  “Um, Roberta?” Fin asked.

  “Yeah,” I grunted. I lifted my head to gauge his reaction but his expression never changed. I sighed. “Yeah, it is true – I was seeing her. It was part of the deal, you know, for me to come here.”

  He nibbled on his bottom lip, obviously trying to keep his questions at bay, but I decided to put him out of his misery. I’d made up my mind to tell him all, anyway.

  I scooted up the bed, jostling the ache in my head, and squeezed his hand. “I don’t see Roberta because of the drinking thing,” I clarified, my heart thumping as I carefully organized my words. “There’s this family situation, you see, and that was the main reason for everything. It was the reason I’d started partying. The reason my mother and I argued. The reason my brother never comes home from college. The reason my father left my mother.”

  I tucked my chin into my chest as the tears formed. I sniffed, hoping to scare them off, but they remained. Fin touched my cheek softly. I looked at his earnest face and worried eyes. Would he hate me? I didn’t think so.

  The door opened again, this time admitting my father and brother who rushed to my side, peering anxiously into my face.

  “Rena, honey, what happened?” Dad asked as Jared moved to the other side of the bed and took my hand. Fin abruptly moved out of the way, leaning against the wall, uncertain whether he should leave.

  “I’m fine,” I said, my eyes pleading with Fin to stay. “You didn’t need to come here.”

  “Of course we did,” Jared said, attracting my attention. My heart swelled with affection as I gazed at my big brother. As disappointed as I was in him, I still loved him.

  “I’m honestly okay,” I said. “I don’t think all this is necessary.”

  Aunt Franki and Mrs. Finley shuffled into the room to stand beside Fin, watching us as if we were acting out a scene from a Broadway musical. I cringed from all the fuss, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. I wanted to yank the blankets over my head and hide.

  All the attention wasn’t necessary – in fact, it was downright degrading. If only they’d all been at the Museum and had witnessed my foolhardy pursuit of a strange woman and her child. But perhaps that was a good thing – it was bad enough Fin and his mother had watched the entire thing firsthand.

  “Franki called Roberta,” Jared said, his eyes unyielding as he waited for me to protest. I didn’t, though. I’d been stupid and foolish to think I could handle this on my own. And maybe she’d be able to spring me.

  I swallowed the huge lump in my throat. “Okay. I guess I need to talk to her.”

  Dad ran his fingers through my hair, a queer smile on his face. “Yes, I think you do. I thought you were handling things pretty good on your own but I guess not. I wish you would have told me, sweetheart.”

  I clamped my lips shut to stifle the anger that surged at his words. I wanted to tear into him and let him know precisely why I hadn’t told him – he hadn’t exactly made himself available. But, I didn’t. No need for an all-out family brawl in the middle of the ER with my possible boyfriend and his mother as witnesses.

  I glanced at Fin, wishing that I could rid the room of everyone but him so we could finish our conversation but I knew there’d be no way I’d ever get rid of my father. The thought no sooner crossed my mind when the door opened once again – the place was rapidly turning into Grand Central Station – and my own mother breezed into the room.

  A hush settled over the occupants as Mom approached my bed, shuffling my father out of the way, and captured my hand in hers.

  “Oh, thank God you’re all right,” she said, a watery smile on her face.

  “You have some nerve,” Jared growled. My heart stopped as I gaped at him. His features were arranged into an angry mask that I recognized as being on my face from time to time. It didn’t suit him in the least. “How dare you march in here like you care?”

  “Jared,” I growled, scooting further up the bed.

  “What do you mean?” Mom asked.

  “You’ve ignored her for months and now you rush to her side like you’re actually concerned?” Stepping around the bed, he towered over my mother. The little beeping monitor located somewhere behind me kicked up a notch. “What, did you hear that Rena spotted Camille so you climbed out of your hole and hurried here to see if it really was her? Sorry, Mother, but it wasn’t so you can just trot back out of here and get back to your chat rooms.”

  “Jared,” Dad warned, shoving his way in front of my brother. “That’s enough.”

  “What do you care?” Jared shouted. “Huh? You just run out on everybody!”

  When I turned to Mom, I blanched at the horror all over her face. I wanted to comfort her but she was a stranger to me – like the woman who’d had her arm around the Camille look-a-like.

  “Okay, that’s enough,” Aunt Franki declared as she joined the fray. “I think you should take this…”

  “Jared,” Mom said, shaking out of her stupor. “That’s unfair. You know that I love you kids but I want to find Camille.”

  “No, you’re obsessed with finding Camille. You’re so obsessed that you totally ignore everything else around you!” Jared said, his body trembling.

  Tears burned my eyes as my own body shook. I rattled the rail of my bed, trying to figure out how to lower the stupid thing so I could smack some sense into somebody.

  But it wasn’t necessary as, once again, the door opened and Saundra stormed into the room, Roberta on her heels.

  “I don’t know what is going on in here but it had better stop!” Saundra ordered. She crossed her arms over her large bosom and glared at every member of my family. “Rena does not need to be subjected to this nonsense. Now, all of you out of here,” she said.

  Everyone filed out of the room, including Fin, much to my dismay. I fisted the sheets, anxiety mounting again. I didn’t want Fin to leave – I still needed to talk to him. I needed him to know everything and I needed to be the one to tell him.

  “Rena?” Roberta said as she took the chair Fin had occupied earlier. I looked at her, startled. I hadn’t realized that she was still in the room.

  “Hey.”

  “How are you feeling?” she asked, her eyes prodding.

  I opened my mouth to tell her that I was just fine and that I wanted to go home, but I remembered my vow to be honest with Fin and figured it probably wouldn’t hurt to be honest with Roberta, too.

  “Not too great,” I said. “I know I screwed up and I know that I do need your help, but I was about to tell Fin everything when my family interrupted. I, um, don’t want anyone else filling him in, if you know what I mean. I think I should tell him.”

  She nodded, a tiny smile toying with the corners of her mouth. “I agree, but Rena, you’re here because you’ve suffered a major anxiety attack. Are you going to be able to tell Fin without falling apart again?”

  I hadn’t considered that. I chewed on my bottom lip as I turned her words over in my head. A nervous shiver raced up my spine. Where had all my courage gone? “Roberta, I want to tell him – I need to tell him. I need to be the one. Please."

  "Are you sure?" she asked, indecision in her eyes.

  "Absolutely," I said. "I…I want to tell him. It’s important that I do - not someone else. It's important to me."

  She nodded, a hint of approval in her eyes. "Okay."

  "But maybe you should be nearby," I said as a shiver of anxiety shook my spine.

  “I’ll wait right outside the room,” she said as she patted my hand. “And Rena? I’m really proud of you right now.”

  I smiled at her, a genuine smile. She left to fetch Fin and my heart skipped a beat or two. I concentrated on evening out my breathing as I waited, not wanting the stupid monitor to go nuts and get Saundra all in a tizzy.

  I didn’t
have to wait long.

  “Hey,” Fin said with a squeamish smile. I couldn’t quite blame him – my family made me nauseous at times, too. “Are you all right?”

  I was extremely tired of that question but by the apprehensive look on his face I could tell he was asking out of concern and not politeness. I snorted. “I should be asking you that,” I chortled, attempting to lighten the mood – and postpone my talk, apparently. “Anyway, I’m sorry you had to witness my family’s meltdown. Gives a whole new meaning to ‘nuclear family’, doesn’t it?”

  I managed to pull a grin out of him as he sat in the same chair he’d occupied earlier. He held my hand, his eyes trained on mine.

  “Roberta said you wanted to talk to me.”

  “Yep,” I said, inserting a small amount of pep into my voice. I wasn’t sure why I was trying to keep things upbeat, maybe to prevent another breakdown on my end. “I forgot where I was.”

  “You were talking about something that happened to your family,” he said gently, applying pressure to my hand.

  I nodded, my lips pressed together. “Camille.”

  “Ah, Camille,” he said. “I heard her mentioned a few times today. Who is she?”

  I choked on a sob. “My sister.”

  He dragged the chair closer and placed his free hand on top of our entwined ones. His voice was husky when he replied. “What happened to her?”

  I shook my head this time, fighting the ever present tears and wishing that I would have succeeded in my endeavors at cheerfulness. “No one knows,” I said with a sniff. “Um, she, um, just vanished.”

  “When?” he asked, stroking the top of my hand with the tips of his fingers.

  “July,” I said. “She was on her way home from her friend’s house. She’d walked to and from there millions of times before but this time…”

  “You’ve no idea what happened?” I shook my head. “The police? FBI?”

  “No one. Not a clue. No trace, nothing.” I bent my head. A tear fell off my cheek and left a tiny dot on the crisp sheet covering my lap. I wanted to explain to Fin how it felt, how my family had slowly unraveled like a stray thread on a sweater. I wanted to make him feel the sharp, intense pain that ripped through my heart and the guilt that ate at my stomach. But there were no words to explain it and I wasn’t quite sure I was strong enough to try.