Anywhere But Here

by Paul, JL

  His voice had remained steady and somewhat soothing and that was perhaps what kept me from collapsing into a blubbering idiot at his feet. I couldn’t talk anymore, though, not at that moment. I’d answer his questions the best that I could but I just couldn’t offer more information. The day was catching up with me. The stress and ultimate humiliation of chasing down the girl who I had thought was my sister was taking its toll. I was going to break again – I could feel it – but I didn’t want to do it in front of Fin. At last – at long last – I grasped the fact that I did need Roberta. I could not do this on my own any longer.

  And Fin sensed it. “Thank you for telling me this, Rena. I appreciate that you feel you can trust me.”

  “I just…” I started, my voice warbled and my body trembling. “I just didn’t want pity. I wanted to start fresh, you know? My other friends…” I wrenched my hand out of his to cover my tear stained face. The torrential storm I’d been expecting hit and I was so terrified that I wouldn’t be able to stop it.

  The bed rail fell and Fin’s hands were on my shoulders, gently guiding me to his chest. He held me for several minutes, not speaking, just rubbing my back. My hysteria quelled under his touch and a wave of drowsiness washed over me. An urge to curl up in a ball and sleep came on rapidly. I would have happily given in but for the anxiety over my feuding family. I needed to make sure things were okay on that front before I could sleep easily – or without the aid of narcotics.

  Easing back, I tried to speak but a yawn overtook my mouth. Fin’s lopsided grin nearly made me laugh in relief – I was so grateful that he had no pity in his eyes.

  “I should let you rest,” he said as he moved off the bed.

  I snagged his hand. “Can you please check to see if my family is duking it out in the hallway first? I…oh geez, this is bad, huh?”

  He kissed me tenderly and the monitor behind me increased in beeps. I smiled on his mouth, almost eager to explain that one to Saundra.

  “Between my mom, Roberta, and Franki, I think things are under control in the hall,” he said with a wink. “But I’ll check for you if you’d like.”

  My brow furrowed as confusion lurked in my sleepy brain. “Your mom? But, I didn’t think she liked me.”

  Chuckling, he touched my cheek. “Of course she likes you. She was a bit concerned when she first met you because she said your eyes seemed so sad.”

  “What?” I asked, stunned.

  His grin widened. “She hounded me, asking me if there was something wrong or if I’d done something to hurt you.” He actually had the decency to blush. “I haven’t dated a whole lot, you know, with hockey and everything, and she was happy to see me show interest in a girl. She always complains about how much time I spend on hockey.”

  A small load lifted off my shoulders and I was able to relax into the bed. My eyelids grew heavy and it took quite a bit of strength to keep them open. Fin bent to kiss me again.

  “I’ll go check on your family and I’ll be right back, okay?”

  I nodded as I watched him leave through nearly closed eyes. The heaviness of my chest had eased up after my confession and I avoided any other thoughts of Camille. I’d taken a huge step this evening but I was still far from my destination. But I’d get there, somehow.

  A soft sigh escaped my lips as my eyes closed. By the time Fin returned, I was sound asleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  The relief that filled my heart after my confession to Fin washed away like the tide when I thought of the rubble that my family had become. After an embarrassing overnight stay in the hospital, I was allowed to leave the next morning but was excused from school for the rest of the week. I was, of course, required to resume my weekly sessions with Roberta. I’d asked her if perhaps I could drag my family along with me. I was surprised when she refused.

  “Not yet,” she said with a gentle smile. “Let’s work on you a little bit first, and then we’ll bring them in.”

  I agreed because she was the expert and all.

  I moped around the house Thursday, bored with the television and actually looking forward to my session with Roberta just for something to do when Damon, Shane, and Reg surprised me. They’d left school a little early – how, I never did find out – and rushed over to visit. I wasn’t sure what they were expecting but they all had various forms of astonishment on their faces when I answered the door dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.

  “Hey, you, um, look good,” Damon said as though he hadn’t quite expected me to look so - normal.

  “Thanks,” I said as I invited them into the living room. Aunt Franki peeked her head in from the kitchen doorway, offered snacks and when everyone refused, announced that she’d be working in the garage if we needed anything. I supposed it was her way of giving me space but reminding all of us she was close by in case I suffered another meltdown.

  But I wasn’t the one to break down – not this time. After a couple of minutes of everyone awkwardly looking at each other, Reg shattered the silence by releasing a loud sob, falling at my feet.

  “Reg?” I asked, hesitant to comfort her. I finally patted her clumsily on the back while shooting the guys bewildered looks.

  “I’m so sorry, Rena,” she said, resting on her knees and wiping her face with the sleeve of her shirt. “This is all my fault.”

  “Um, how is it your fault?” I asked.

  “I put the syrup in your locker,” she said, hiccupping. “I only did it because I could tell Shane had a little crush on you. I thought that if you thought Gina did it that you’d be motivated to go out with Fin just to piss her off. I knew Fin liked you and I thought maybe you liked him, too, so I just did it to give you two a push. And, I, um, wanted Shane to see that you didn’t like him that way so he’d pay attention to me again.”

  “I…oh,” I said, shooting anxious glances at the boys, who’d obviously already heard this confession. “Hey, don’t worry about it. This whole…mess…had nothing to do with the syrup thing.”

  Nodding, she scooted away from me to lean her back against the sofa. “I’m still sorry. But I swear I had nothing to do with the rumors. I did try to set people straight. I swear, Rena, I never said a bad word against you.”

  I gave her what I hoped was a warm smile. “I believe you. And don’t worry about it, please. When I think about it, I think it was probably the syrup mess that got me and Fin together so I should thank you for that.”

  She smiled back, her eyes still shimmering with unshed tears, and it touched my heart. I never thought I’d see the day when Reg would cry.

  “So, if you don’t mind if we ask, what brought this on?” Damon asked.

  I raised my brows at him. “You honestly don’t know?” I asked. “I’d sort of thought that Sabrina would have told you by now.”

  “Sabrina? Sabrina knows what’s going on?” he said, his face clouding over. “How does she know?”

  I could see an angry storm brewing in his eyes and I needed to quell it quickly. I didn’t want him arguing with her over me, especially after I'd begged her to keep my secret.

  “Damon, I made her swear she wouldn’t say anything,” I said. My feeble explanation only confused him further so I scooted to the edge of the sofa, taking a deep breath. “One of the girls at her party a few weeks ago recognized my name – my family name. They’d read about us in the Chicago area newspapers. But you see, I came here to get away from that. I came here to start over and I didn’t want anyone to know. I begged Sabrina not to tell anyone.”

  “What happened?” Shane asked.

  I took a breath and explained, quickly and succinctly about Camille, keeping the emotion out of my voice. A spark of irritation hit me when I spotted that dreaded pity shoot over each of their faces. I bit back all the snide remarks in hopes of retaining their friendships. I didn’t want to lose them as I had my former friends.

  “I don’t want you guys to feel all weird around me or feel sorry for me or anything,” I added hastily. “That’s why I
didn’t want anyone to know. You see, my friends from back home quit talking to me because they just didn’t know what to say.”

  “I’m sorry, Rena,” Damon said. “I’m really sorry this happened to your family and nothing will change that. But I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Me, either,” said Shane with a nervous grin.

  “Same here,” Reg said, a spark returning to her eyes. “And if anyone says a thing about it, I’ll crush them, suspension or not.”

  My heart flipped and I was happy I’d finally told them. It was so much easier to not hide. That little niggle of guilt still lingered in the back of my mind but I wasn’t ready for them to know that, yet. I wasn’t strong enough to tell them – they were taking my story so well but if they knew all the gory details, they might change their attitudes. And I couldn’t take any loss right now. I didn’t want to end up in the psychiatric ward.

  They stayed for a bit, chatting about school and the lack of rumors after my breakdown. I had to laugh at that one – I'd thought for sure the rumor mill would be working overtime after my little show but obviously, a percentage of the school population had a heart.

  “It’s weird,” Reg pondered. “Oh, the story has worked its way around school, but no one has exploited it. Yet. I guess some people are probably feeling guilty – thinking they might have contributed.” She blushed, turning her head. I wished I could take her guilt away but I’d let her know I didn’t blame her – the rest was up to her. And I was an expert on guilt.

  When it came time to leave for Roberta’s office, Aunt Franki insisted on driving me. I didn’t protest much because, truth be told, I wasn’t sure what to expect and I didn’t know if I’d be in any sort of shape to drive home.

  Roberta greeted me warmly as she escorted me to my favorite chair. She settled across from me and continued to smile in a way that was beginning to creep me out.

  “Shall we start with the incident at the Museum?” she suggested.

  I lifted a shoulder. “Sure.”

  “Okay, tell me what happened.”

  “Well,” I said as I leaned back in my chair. “I was standing in line to enter an exhibit and I spotted a girl that looked like Camille. I chased her down and when I realized it wasn’t her, I lost it.”

  She nodded, slowly. “And what happened last week – what led up to this?”

  I blinked slowly, trying to drudge up every ugly detail. “Um, some girls saw you talking to me last week at the Community Center. That started some rumors,” I said, a touch of bitterness in my tone.

  Her eyes widened as she fell back into her chair. “I’m so sorry, Rena. I never dreamed anyone would notice me speaking to you for a couple minutes, nor did I think people would assume you were a client.”

  “Yeah, well,” I said, trying to appear nonchalant. “I lied my way out of that one. It seemed to work but then my dad showed up and said he’d left my mother. That sucked. And when I told Fin about it, we sort of fought because he knew I wasn’t telling him everything and I got all defensive.”

  “And does Fin know about Camille yet?”

  “Yes,” I said with a soft smile. “I told him everything.”

  Her right brow shot up over her eye. “Everything?”

  “Sure,” I said weakly as I studied the wall over her head. “He knows that my sister is missing.”

  “Does he know the details of what happened that day?” she prodded. I shook my head, still staring at the pristine wall. My heart pounded and I moved a hand to my chest as my lungs clenched, making air passage nearly impossible.

  “Relax, Rena,” Roberta said, her voice soothing. “Close your eyes and focus on a lake – a calm lake with a slight breeze. Imagine a sailboat with a crisp, white sail, gliding over the surface…”

  I did as she asked and gradually my heartbeat returned to normal, making it easier to breathe through my nose. I slowly opened my eyes and found her face close to mine. Her brow was crinkled as she peered into my eyes.

  “I’m okay,” I said. “Really.”

  She nodded as she leaned out of my personal space. She tapped her chin with her nail as she considered me. “I want you to work on that exercise every time you feel a panic attack coming on,” she said. “I mean, immediately, before it gets out of hand.”

  “Okay,” I said as I watched her carefully.

  She bit her bottom lip and picked up the legal pad that had been lying by her feet. “Let’s talk about what happened last week – the rumors and such. We’ll work our way to other issues slowly.”

  I agreed, relieved. I explained about Gina and her nasty accusations. I told her about my conversation with Fin that had turned ugly. I recalled how I tried to hide from everyone at school. Then I went over every detail of the museum incident. Every time my heart would race, she’d urge me to close my eyes and think of that lake and that boat. It worked, true, but I was awfully tired of that boat slicing through the still waters.

  I was pretty beat when she called an end to the session, although Roberta raved that I’d made considerable progress. I was grateful for Aunt Franki to drive me home.

  I escaped to my bedroom as soon as I judged it to be late enough. I plopped on the pillows, hugging the BoyzTown CD case to my heaving chest as the day Camille disappeared rolled through my mind. I vividly recalled that day with clarity – every second. As it played in my head like the worst sort of horror film, my heart pounded harder and harder and my breath seized in my lungs. I squeezed my eyes shut quickly and focused on the damn lake but the sailboat sped off and wouldn’t cooperate.

  “No,” I moaned, switching gears. I pictured Fin gliding effortlessly on his skates and my lungs loosened. When I entered the frame, holding Fin’s hand and joining him on the ice, my heartbeat changed, thumping pleasantly. A small smile tugged at my lips and I eventually managed to slip into dreamless sleep.

  Friday evening, Fin came by laden with DVDs and chicken wings. Aunt Franki, confident that I wouldn’t suffer another mental breakdown, left us so she could attend another ‘dinner party’ with her friend, Sean.

  “So,” Fin said as we grubbed on messy wings. “A couple people have actually approached me and asked if you were coming back to school.”

  “You’re kidding,” I said in disbelief. I wiped my greasy fingers on a napkin, took a sip of my Coke, and grinned. “Wow, I’m touched. I didn’t think anyone cared.” I paused, the grin slipping from my face. “It was Grant, wasn’t it?”

  Laughing, he mussed my hair. “No, it wasn’t Grant, although he did ask about you, too. But other people have asked me how you are doing – mostly people from our Creative Writing class.”

  I nodded, feeling a lot less antsy about returning to school on Monday. Perhaps it wouldn’t be as horrible as I feared.

  “How are things going with Roberta?” he asked timidly.

  “Not bad,” I said as I picked the meat off a chicken bone. “She’s teaching me relaxation methods so I don’t have another anxiety attack.” Shrugging, I stuffed the meat in my mouth. I wiped my face and sat back on the sofa. “Seems to be working.”

  “Oh, really? What does she have you do?”

  I explained about the lake and the sailboat then leaned closer to him, a knowing smirk curling my lips. “Except last night it didn’t work so well so I thought of something else.”

  He raised a confused brow. “What?”

  I pressed a soft kiss to his lips, scooting closer to wrap my arms around his neck. I kissed him again and he responded eagerly, throwing himself into the kiss until we broke apart, panting.

  “That is what you think about to calm yourself?” he asked, humor lighting his eyes.

  “Not exactly that,” I admitted as I snuggled into his side. “More like this.”

  He draped an arm around me as we settled into the sofa. I handed him the remote so he could start the movie. My heart relaxed as I nestled closer to him and focused on the film. I couldn’t believe how stupid I’d been to not confide in him much earlier �
� he was proving to be as solid as a rock. But, if I’d learned one thing through the entire ordeal it was that I had to stop living in the past and look toward the future instead.

  ***

  Fin insisted on picking me up for school Monday morning and it suited me just fine. I was physically able to drive but as keyed up as I was to finally be returning, I was sure to cause an accident.

  He held my hand while he led me casually through the halls as if I hadn’t been absent at all. He greeted classmates with a nod or a wave and stood beside me as I opened my locker and collected my books.

  It was a lot easier than I’d imagined but then, I had Fin by my side and he wouldn’t be able to meet me after every class –he had his own classes to get to. But I’d manage, somehow, even if I had to practically meditate as I walked through the halls.

  I breezed through the week with minimal hassles – I had mostly Reg to thank for that – and looked forward to the weekend when I could spend quality time with my friends. Instead of alienating them with my confessions, I’d brought them closer to me and although it scared me a bit, I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t let my friendships destroy my family again.

  My family, on the other hand, was not as rosy-perfect as my other relationships. Jared had high-tailed it back to school once he’d realized that I was fine - after more empty promises to spend a weekend with me. I was disappointed and saddened to see him go, but I realized that he was trying to deal with everything in his own way. I’d have to be patient with him as I expected him to be with me.

  My parents remained separated but they both spent some time with me at Franki’s house. Franki had been an angel and had gently, but firmly, suggested that they follow my lead and seek counseling. Although they both agreed, I had a sneaking suspicion that only my mother would actually follow through. She seemed desperate to get her family back together, though not nearly as desperate to find her youngest daughter.