Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  A young one about me own age came flyin down the hill wit a bicycle wheel an a stick. She was doin great, keepin the wheel straight, tappin it wit the stick an runnin fast beside it. I jumped up. ‘Hey, young one! Give us a go of yer hoop, will ya?’ She stopped an turned the hoop aroun, eyein me.

  ‘Wha have ye got te give us?’

  We sized each other up, makin sure we were on safe ground. She worried I might rob her hoop an me wonderin if we’d be all right together. I didn’t want any trouble. She had sores all over her face, an her hair was matted. She’d no shoes on her feet, an her big toe was swollen an purple. But tha didn’t stop her runnin, even if she was limpin.

  ‘Are ye waitin fer yer ma?’

  ‘No, she’s in hospital. She gorra new babby.’

  The young one sat down beside me.

  ‘Tha aul fella is in the pub.’

  ‘Who? Yer da?’

  ‘No, he’s not me da, only his!’ an I pointed te the babby, who was starin outa his pram, takin in everythin, forgettin te cry.

  ‘I live wit me granny aroun the corner on Summerhill.’

  ‘Where’s yer mammy?’

  ‘Ah, I’m not bothered. Me granny says she’s no good. She was out on the town, pickin up sailors. An now she’s a drunkard, livin on the streets. Me granny drinks, too, though. So when she’s not in the pub, she’s sleepin in the bed. So I can do what I like.’

  I looked at her wit me mouth open. ‘Ye’re so lucky, I wish I was you. An do ye have any brothers an sisters?’

  ‘No. Me granny says me ma had a black one, it was black as the pot! An she says, “Ye’re not takin tha home! Ye can get rid of it. I’m not takin care of any more of yer leavins. An don’t darken me door again.” An wit tha she marched outa the hospital. I was only little at the time, so I don’t remember wha she looks like. But me granny tells me these things when she’s drunk. I’d better go, me granny sent me fer a message. I have te go all the way up te Ballybough. An tha was ages ago. She’ll kill me! See ya!’ An she jumped up an hopped off down the hill, smackin her hoop.

  I walked up an down pushin the pram, leavin Charlie sleepin on the steps wit his head against the railins. The babby wouldn’t stop sobbin. He was exhausted an soakin wet an starved wit the hunger. The mammies had called the childre in fer their tea long ago. If only I could go home. But tha bastard would kill me. I wish he was mashed under a lorry. Why does me ma have te have more babbies? Why is she not like other mammies an make herself busy lookin after us? I hate havin te mind her. I felt like openin me mouth an runnin down the hill, cryin, I want a mammy! Get me a mammy! I’m lost, I’m on me own. Somebody mind me! Lock up Jackser, an put me fuckin ma in a home. That’ll teach her. But I kept quiet. I have te wait until I’m big meself, then I’ll be somebody, no one will look down on me.

  I heard a door slam from aroun the corner. It sounded like the pub. Then shouts. Jackser came reelin aroun the corner, hangin on te the neck of another fella. ‘Come on, come on! Ye’re comin wit me!’ Jackser was sayin. ‘Ye’ll be all right!’

  They lurched across the road, right in front of a bicycle. The bike swerved, an the man landed on the footpath. ‘Drunken bastards!’ the man roared.

  ‘An fuck you, too,’ Jackser roared back, wavin his fist.

  I rushed over te Charlie an grabbed him off the steps. ‘Get up quick! He’s here. Let’s get movin fast, before he starts.’ I put his hand on the handlebar of the pram, took off the brake an started movin ahead slowly.

  ‘Look, Moocher! This is me son.’ I stopped an Moocher looked at the pram.

  ‘Yeah! He’s grand, God bless him, the spittin image of ye!’

  Jackser leaned inta the pram an pinched the babby’s cheek. The babby screamed wit fright, an Jackser couldn’t get himself back up. I put the brake on, an he was hurtin the babby wit his elbow. I tried te get him off, an Moocher dragged him up. ‘Ah! I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I wouldn’t hurt me son fer the world,’ he said te Moocher, wipin his long dribbles. ‘I’d give me life fer him an me new son! I’m goin te straighten meself out. Nothin will be too good fer them, wait an see,’ an then he started cryin. ‘I’d give me life, honest te God I would. There’ll be no better man. I’m goin te see te tha. Mark me words, Moocher!’

  Moocher was agreein wit everythin. An smilin an lookin me up an down. I didn’t like tha look in his eyes. He looked at me like I was a woman or somethin. No! I don’t like him.

  I started te move home, leavin Jackser an Moocher staggerin behind me. I looked back, an they were stopped. Jackser was cryin again. ‘Ye’re grand! Ye’re grand! Ye’re sound as a pound!’ Moocher was sayin an pattin him on the back. Jackser was wipin his snots wit the sleeve of his coat an long spits comin outa his mouth.

  ‘I’m not tellin ye a word of a lie,’ Jackser was whingin. I moved off, hurryin on now. It was dark, an the babby’d get pneumonia from this night air. Charlie kept whinin wit the tiredness. Let us get te bed, God. Just let us get te bed. Tha’s all I ask!

  I put the babby inta his cot an gave him his bottle of tea an a bit of bread, an I took off Charlie’s shoes an trousers an put him inta bed. ‘Don’t go asleep. I’m bringin ye a sup of tea. Mind tha jam jar, it’s hot. Here’s yer bread.’

  ‘Mrs, would ye ever get a plate an put out me fuckin chips! They’re gone cold. Fer the love of Jaysus, do I have te do it meself?’

  ‘OK, Jackser! I’m runnin te do tha now!’

  I rushed inta the scullery an opened the two bags of chips an put them on the two dinner plates we had. I put a few aside fer Charlie an the babby, an pushed two inta me mouth. Then I rushed back in an handed Moocher an Jackser their chips. Jackser grabbed the plate an shovelled a fistful of chips inta his snotty mouth. Moocher laughed an said, ‘By God, I could do wit someone like you! How old are ye now?’

  ‘Eight. I’m eight years old.’

  ‘Ah, it won’t be long till ye’re out workin.’

  I ignored him an went back inta the scullery an brought the few chips I’d left te the babby, who threw his empty bottle over the cot. An I managed te catch it before it broke. I took the empty jam jar from Charlie an gave him the rest of the chips. Then I went back inta the scullery an ate me bread an tea. The tea was cold, an there was no margarine left. An we’d have no bread or milk fer the mornin. Them two ate the lot. I put the babby down an covered him up. He went out like a light. Charlie covered himself up an was noddin off, too.

  I hesimitated fer a minute, wonderin if I should go te bed wit them two still sittin there. ‘Do ye want te go te bed, Jackser? I should put the light out! It’s very late now,’ I said quietly.

  ‘Wha? Wha?’ Jackser muttered. He’d been dozin in the chair. An Moocher was followin me every movement wit his sly eyes.

  ‘Come an sit on me lap!’ Moocher said, smackin his knees. I backed away, headin towards me bed. But Moocher was outa the chair an liftin me on te his lap. I tried te wriggle free, but me frock was caught up aroun me, an I was wearin no knickers or a vest.

  ‘No! Let me down,’ I cried. ‘I want te get down.’ He was laughin an grabbin me arms an pinnin them down by me side. An pressin me hard down inta his lap.

  ‘Be the holy!’ Jackser snuffled an laughed. ‘She’s a fighter!’ He kept lookin, an touchin himself, an lookin aroun, an back, snufflin, an givin a laugh. An he looked like he was enjoyin himself. Then he got up an shuffled off te the scullery, mutterin, ‘I’ll just get a sup of tea.’

  Moocher pulled up me frock an jammed his hand between me legs, pullin an draggin at me, an rockin me very hard on his lap. He was red in the face an breathin very heavily. ‘Stay quiet! Be still! It won’t hurt.’

  I arched me back an straightened me legs an slid off his lap. He grabbed me by me hair an yanked me back on te his lap. ‘I’ll fuckin burst ye!’ he said inta me face, wit his eyes bulgin an his teeth gritted. ‘Now stay quiet an do as ye’re told!’

  I couldn’t understand why Jackser was lettin him get away wit this. Me heart was hammerin in
me chest, an I knew this man would hurt me badly if I didn’t stay quiet. He opened his trousers, an a horrible hairy long wet thing slid out. ‘Here, pull this!’ he said.

  I looked away, it was smelly an dirty. He kept pullin at it an rubbin his fist between me legs. Jackser stayed in the scullery. An somethin came pourin outa the thing between his legs, an he pushed me belly down on top of it an nearly smothered me head in his coat. Then he lifted me off him an buttoned his trousers up. I was covered in the smelly sticky stuff an tried te clean meself wit me frock. But the frock was soakin wet, an I was wet all over. Me neck was very sore, cos he’d put his arm aroun me, nearly chokin me. It hurt between me legs, an I felt I’d been put through a mangle. I didn’t know wha te do next.

  I went te the bed, te climb in beside Charlie. An I heard Jackser an Moocher whisperin an laughin. When I looked towards the scullery, Moocher was givin Jackser money. ‘Here’s five bob. Tha should see ye straight.’

  ‘Ah, thanks fer tha,’ Jackser said. ‘Do ye want a cup of tea before ye go?’

  ‘No, ye’re all right,’ Moocher said.

  ‘I’ll be seein ye so,’ Jackser said. An I jumped inta bed, coverin me head wit the blanket an coats. Jackser came in snufflin. ‘Ah, ye know wha? I miss poor Sally. Where are ye? Get out here, I want te talk te ye.’ Me heart hammered through me, an I leapt outa the bed.

  ‘Get in there an sleep beside me! Ye can keep me company until Sally gets home.’

  I stood there not takin in wha he was sayin. ‘Get in, fer fuck’s sake, will ye!’ I crawled inta the bed an lay at the very edge an rolled meself inta a tight ball. Jackser climbed inta the bed, an I held meself very still, afraid te breathe. He grabbed me arm an spun me aroun. ‘Wha’s this? Get tha fuckin thing offa ye.’ An he bounced me up te sit me an tore the frock over me head. Then he pushed me down an started maulin me. I went very stiff, tryin te ease the pain, cos he was hurtin me all over. ‘Jaysus, there isn’t a pick on ye, ye’re like chicken bones. Here, pull tha!’

  No! No more, I thought. ‘Can I not go back te me bed? Please, Jackser, I’m tired.’

  ‘Stay fuckin quiet. Wha’s wrong wit ye? Yer mammy loves this.’ An then he climbed on top of me. Me head was suffocatin under his chest, an tha hard thing was pressin inta me stomach an hurtin me between me legs an me bones. An he was rockin like mad an snortin, an the filthy smell. An I knew this was hell. I shouldn’t have been bold an cursin an fightin an callin people names. If I’d been good, I would have had a bit of peace like other childre.

  ‘Let me up! I’m smotherin!’ I tried te move me head, but I was caught under him. I’m drownin. Jackser was snortin louder, rockin himself like mad, an he covered me face even tighter. I was goin te die, lights was flashin on an off in me head. An then it started te go dark. I felt somethin hot spillin over me, then Jackser rolled away. It stopped! It stopped! I’m covered in tha smelly stuff an I can’t move meself. I can’t straighten me legs. How can I get away from this bed?

  Jackser started laughin. ‘Jaysus, tha was good! Did ye enjoy tha? Whatever ye do, don’t say anythin te yer mammy! She will get mad jealous an think I like ye more than her. Go on, get back te yer bed. An remember what I said. Say nothin te nobody or ye won’t live very long! I don’t make idle threats, ye should know tha!’

  I had me frock on, an I was standin there lookin at the dirty floorboards, waitin fer him te let me go te bed. ‘No, Jackser! I won’t say anythin.’

  Me ma came home from the hospital wit the new babby. She gorra lift home in an ambulance. All the kids came runnin from everywhere te get a look. The ambulance man helped her down the steps. I was delighted, but when I looked at her face, she was very white an tired. ‘Ye’re home, Ma!’ I said smilin.

  ‘Yeah!’ she muttered, lookin away from me an then lookin back. Me left eye was closed an all purple. An me cheek an nose was swollen, an me mouth was swollen an cut. Jackser kept punchin me in the face when I tried te stop him climbin on top of me in the bed. ‘How did ye get tha face?’ me ma asked.

  But before I could answer, Jackser lifted me off me feet an ran me in the door. ‘Get the fuck in there! I told ye not te show yerself outside this door.’

  I ran inside an waited wit me back against the wall. Please, God, don’t let him hit me again. I’ll be good. I won’t curse any more. I was shakin.

  Me ma came in slowly, carryin the new babby. She kept her eyes on me, an her mouth was movin very fast, chewin her lip. She wanted te say somethin, but I implored her wit me eyes not te say anythin. He rushed inta the scullery te make the tea. An me ma put the new babby down on the bed an gently lifted the blankets from him te get some air. He was fast asleep. She gently lifted his head an took off the white frilly bonnet he was wearin. Me an Charlie leaned over te get a look. He had long fluffy red hair an a tiny white face an lovely red lips. Then he moved his head an opened his eyes, an they were lovely navy blue. Then he started te cry like a kitten, an Charlie clapped his hands an laughed an looked at me, hoppin aroun, thinkin it was a little doll ye could play wit. Teddy stopped leapin up an down in his cot an roarin te be let out. He listened an pointed his finger at the bed, an said, ‘Owo, uwu.’ I went over an put the bars down an lifted him out. He flew over on his hands an knees, an grabbed the bed wit his two fists an lifted himself up te stand.

  ‘Here!’ Jackser roared. ‘Bring this tea inta yer mammy an get them kids away. I don’t want them tormentin her. An go down te the shop an get a pint of milk. Hurry! Hurry, Mrs! Put some coal on tha fire before ye go, an go easy on it. The coal has te last.’

  I rushed in wit the tea, an me ma was changin the babby. ‘Here, put this in the tilet an get me one of them napkins outa tha bag. Tell him I want the bag wit the stuff I got from the lady almoner.’

  ‘Wha stuff? Wha bag, Ma?

  ‘The one wit the blankets an the nightgown fer the babby.’ I looked at her, not wantin te ask Jackser anythin. ‘Will ye hurry!’ me ma roared.

  Jackser flew in from the scullery. ‘Wha’s goin on here? Wha the fuck are ye still doin here, are ye not gone yet?’

  ‘I’m goin, Jackser! Ye haven’t given me the money yet.’

  He snorted an reached up te the mantelpiece an handed me sixpence. ‘Have ye not put coal on tha fire yet, ye lazy bastard?’ I grabbed the coal bucket an started te put coal on the fire. ‘Rake out the ashes from the bottom first,’ he shouted. ‘Ye’ll put the fire out.’ I grabbed the poker an pushed it through the bars of the fire. ‘Not too much, ye’ll take the heart outa it.’

  ‘OK, Jackser. I’ll do it the right way.’

  Me ma was keenin an mutterin, ‘Jaysus! Why do I have te come back te this place? I wish I was fuckin dead. Ye’d be better off, at least ye’d be away from here.’

  I was hurryin down te the shop fer the milk, but I couldn’t go very fast. I was hurtin like mad, an I gorra stabbin pain in me head an eye when I moved. ‘How’re ye?’ a young one from the class shouted over te me from the other side of the road. Then she came runnin over. ‘Gawd! Wha happened te yer face?’ She stared at me wit her mouth open.

  ‘I fell against the wall.’

  ‘How? How did it happen?’

  ‘I just fell, some kids pushed me.’

  ‘Gawd!’ she said, drawin in her breath. ‘An tell us, why are ye not in school? Flaherty will kill ye!’

  ‘Ah, I don’t care about her,’ I said.

  ‘But she’ll send the school inspector after ye!’

  ‘I don’t care.’

  ‘An ye’ll be put away in a home!’

  ‘So let them! I don’t care.’

  ‘Gawd! Ye’re gas ye are, ye’re mad.’

  ‘Yeah! See ya! I better hurry. Me ma’s waitin on the milk.’

  ‘See ya, Madser!’

  I didn’t mind too much bein called tha, cos they all called me tha since Flaherty. They didn’t mean I was stone mad, just tha I wasn’t afraid of anythin or anybody, an I was always laughin an makin jokes so people might like me an let me play wit
them. I had te try very hard te be like tha. But it was no good bein quiet or shy.

  Jackser started leavin the house early in the mornin. He goes out aroun five or six o’clock when we’re all still sleepin. Then he comes back aroun eight or nine o’clock wit women’s knickers an slips, an skirts an jumpers. But the funny thing is, they’re wet! Me ma tries them on when they’re dry, an then he sends me off te the neighbours te sell them. He sent me over wit a black slip an matchin frilly knickers an a lovely white frilly nightdress te the dyed blonde woman who lives over us on the first balcony. She wears paint an powder, an lovely pencil skirts wit a slit down the back. An big high heels wit black stockins, an she’s always stoppin te straighten the seams at the back an fix her hair. She’s married te a docker, an every Friday night he struts out wit his chest stickin out, an walks like a cowboy, wit the Mrs on his arm. She runs beside him on her high heels, an in her tight skirt, laughin an wavin te all her friends. An ye get a lovely whiff of perfume from them as they pass ye by. The aul ones, leanin on their elbows an hangin over the balconies, shout over, ‘Don’t do anythin I wouldn’t! Or if ye do, call it after me!’

  ‘Ah, go on!’ the blonde one shouts back, laughin. ‘I’m out te enjoy meself. We’ll be a long time dead!’

  ‘Tha ye will, Mrs! True fer ye! Enjoy it while ye can.’ An they all nod at each other in agreement.

  ‘Where did ye get these from?’ the blonde asked.

  ‘Me ma’s sister sent them from England,’ I said. ‘But me ma has no use fer them.’

  ‘How much do ye want?’

  ‘Half a crown.’

  ‘Ah, no!’ an she looked at them inside out. ‘Tell ye wha! I don’t really want them, but tell yer mammy I’ll take them off her hands fer one shillin an sixpence.’

  ‘Ah, they’re worth ten bob as they stand,’ I said. ‘Me aunt paid thirty bob fer the nightdress on its own. It was supposed te be a present fer her after she had the new babby, but me ma wouldn’t wear anythin like tha. She’s not as glamorous as you!’