Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  The train pulled inta Westland Row station, screamin an snortin. An when the smoke cleared, we could see all the mammies an the daddies an the people crowded on the platform, wavin an laughin at the train. Everyone rushed te look outa the windas. ‘There’s me ma! I can see her!’ screamed Bella. ‘Ma! Mammy! In here,’ she roared, hangin on the winda. Then they all scrambled fer their things an pushed an shoved te get offa the train. I looked te see if Jackser an me ma was there. But I couldn’t see them. I stood up slowly an let everyone get ahead of me, in no hurry te get offa the train.

  I pushed through the crowds of laughin people. ‘Ma! Ma! We had the best time of our lives, but I missed ya! Where’s me daddy?’ one young one was shoutin, all excited. I looked aroun slowly fer me ma, but I couldn’t see her. I moved down the platform, wonderin if I should go home on me own, maybe they won’t be here. I know the way. I could head down te Tara Street an across the bridge, an head up Gardiner Street an then onta Talbot Street, an in back home.

  As I turned outa the station, there they were, leanin against the wall. Jackser looked in bad form, an me ma was holdin onta a go-car wit Harry sittin in it, an Teddy was holdin onta the handlebars. An her face was tight an her lips clamped together. Charlie was standin on his own wit his back te the wall an his arms down by his side, lookin very worried. I got such a fright at seein them so suddenly I wanted te run in the opposite direction. But they saw me.

  ‘Come on!’ roared Jackser, wavin his fist at me. I started te run. ‘Ye took yer fuckin time gettin here,’ Jackser snorted. ‘There’s crowds a people gone on ahead of ye!’ I said nothin. ‘Look at the state of them clothes, Mrs!’ he said te me ma, rollin his eyes te the sky an clenchin his fists. I started te move from one foot te the other, not knowin wha was goin te come next. ‘Get them clothes offa her, Mrs. An let’s get down te tha pawn office.’

  Me ma pulled the frock over me head when I handed her me cardigan. ‘Come on,’ she shouted. ‘Get them shoes an socks off.’

  I was left standin in me knickers an vest. An everyone lookin at me as they passed. ‘Ma, lookit wha she’s doin!’ a young one shouted, pointin at me.

  The ma looked an then looked away, pretendin she saw nothin. ‘Come on!’ she said. ‘We’re goin over te see yer granny. She has somethin lovely fer ye.’

  ‘Wha, Ma? What is it?’

  ‘Nothin, I’m not tellin ye. Wait till ye see. If we hurry, we’ll be just in time te catch the bus.’ An she ran on laughin, an the young one laughed an grabbed her arm. An her little sister runnin on the other side of her mammy laughed an shouted, ‘Ye won’t go away again, will ye, Bettie?’

  ‘No! I’m delighted te be home. I really missed ye, Mammy.’

  An I saw the mammy strokin the back of Bettie’s head, an she pulled her inta her as she rushed te catch the bus.

  Me ma put on an aul rag over me head. It was damp an dirty an split under the arms, cos it was too small fer me. An I looked down at me lovely clean legs an feet tha felt soft from all the washin an wearin the new shoes. An I knew tha was the last I’d see a them! It was lovely bein clean an warm. An I wondered why good times only last a very short time an misery an worry seems te go on for ever! I don’t understand tha!

  28

  The St Vincents got Jackser a job. He was te call down te see the man on Monday mornin. ‘I’m very grateful te ye fer all the help ye can give me,’ says Jackser, implorin the man wit his hands joined together as if he was prayin te the man.

  ‘That’s all right,’ said the man. ‘So long as you’re there on time. Ten a.m. sharp, mind! And show you are a willing worker, you should have no problem being taken on.’

  ‘Thank you very much, Sir! The blessins o God on ye! An I’ll get the childre te pray fer ye. I’ll even get the Mrs te light a candle fer ye.’

  ‘Yes, well, that’s all right, thank you!’ said the Vincents man. ‘And don’t forget, ask for Mr O’Brien. He’s a personal friend of mine. So don’t let me down. He’s doin this as a personal favour to me!’

  ‘Oh, have no worries on tha end,’ said Jackser. ‘I’m a very hard worker when I get goin. All I need is the start.’ An he gave a little salute wit his two fingers pointed at his head an then shot them at the man, lookin very serious altogether.

  Jackser’s gone off te see the man about the job. An he’s washed an shaved wit the new tuppenny Silver Gillette blade I rushed te the shop fer this mornin. Me ma looks happy. ‘It’ll be grand havin the few bob if he gets tha job,’ me ma said. ‘I hope everythin goes all right.’

  ‘Ah, he’ll get the job, Ma. The Vincents man was certain.’ Then I felt happy meself. ‘Just think, Ma! He’ll be out all day, an we can do wha we like! An we’ll have money te spend on food! Oh, Ma, this is great!’

  I looked at her, but she didn’t seem sure. ‘I hope so, or maybe he’ll be chasin dyed blondes.’

  ‘Ah, Ma! Stop annoyin me. Ye’re always goin on about tha! Can I go outside te play an watch fer him?’

  ‘Yeah, but don’t go far. He’ll be out lookin fer ye when he gets back.’

  I was watchin two young fellas playin cards when I saw Jackser comin in through the gates. I rushed down an got inta the room behind him.

  ‘Well, Sally, I got the job. I’m a night watchman on a buildin site down on the North Wall. An I’m te start tonight.’ Me ma was blinkin an chewin her lip an smilin, takin it in. But I was busy tryin te work out if there was any good in tha. He’ll be here durin the day an out at night when we’re all sleepin. Ah, tha’s too bad! But at least we’ll have money. ‘Right, Sally, get goin,’ he suddenly said. ‘I need te get me head down an get some kip. So I want this room cleared. Get them kids outa here an get me some grub te eat. Put on a stew.’

  Me ma looked in her purse an handed me two shillins, tha’s the last of the money! An she handed it te me an sort of took it back, not wantin te part wit it. ‘Eh ... go down an get me a quarter a sausages, an two carrots, an an onion, an a packet a Bisto. An bring me back the change.’

  When Jackser woke up, me ma gave him the stew from the pot. An we all crowded aroun. ‘Wha’s this, Mrs?’ he roared, swingin his eyes up te heaven. ‘Have ye not fed these kids?’

  ‘Don’t mind them!’ me ma said. ‘They’ll get their tea in a minute.’ So we all moved away from the table, an Jackser shovelled the stew inta his big gob. I knew we’d be lucky te get tea an bread.

  ‘Right! I’m off!’ he said, standin up. ‘An don’t forget, send tha young one down wit me can a tea an a loaf a bread cut up. An a bit a cheese if ye can get it! An wrap it up in the greaseproof paper from the bread. An bring it down te me aroun twelve a clock tonight. Now make sure ye’re on time!’ he said, pointin his finger an stabbin me chest.

  ‘Yeah, right, Jackser. I’ve got tha. I’ll hurry down te ye!’

  ‘See tha ye do!’ An he was gone out the door. I watched through the winda te make sure he was gone, an then I let me breath out. Me ma whipped out the little packet a cheese we got on the ten bob Vincents voucher an started cuttin up the loaf a bread.

  ‘I’ll get this ready fer him tonight, an tha’s the last of the bread!’

  Me mouth fell open, an I roared, ‘What about us, Ma?’ I looked at me brothers, all waitin fer somethin te eat, our bellies rumblin wit the hunger after watchin an smellin tha lovely stew tha aul bastard wolfed down his gullet. ‘We got nothin te eat all day, cos ye were savin it fer tha bandy bastard.’

  ‘Don’t you start!’ me ma roared back. ‘I’m tellin him wha ye’re callin him when he gets back here.’

  ‘An I’m tellin him ye’re sayin he’s chasin after dyed blondes!’ I roared, nearly cryin wit the way she always puts him first an gives us nothin.

  ‘Stop yer roarin! I’m givin ye bread an tea. He’s not gettin the whole loaf.’ An I know she was tryin te make the peace. So I let go of me rage at her an just hated Jackser even more.

  I fell asleep on top of the bed, cos I knew I’d have te go out late. An there was no point in gettin int
a me bed.

  ‘Wake up! It’s time te take him the tea!’ I didn’t know where I was, I was so tired. An I put me head down again, wantin te get under the blankets. ‘Come on!’ me ma shouted in a loud whisper. ‘He’s waitin, an I don’t want any trouble.’

  I got up an took the can wit the handle. It was very hot, an the tea would slop out if I didn’t balance it properly. I couldn’t swing it. I put the big packet a sambidges under me arm an held the can in me other hand away from me in case it scalded me. An me ma opened the door an whispered, ‘Now ye know where te go? An don’t dilly dally, tha tea has te be hot fer him. Down the quays, on the North Wall, past the pub facin the ships.’

  ‘Yeah, Ma! I know where te find him.’

  ‘Go on, then, an hurry!’ me ma said before shuttin the door.

  I rushed out inta the cold night air, an it was freezin. Outa the buildins an aroun te Talbot Street, headin fer Amiens Street, an then under the arch an down te Sheriff Street. Past the church on me left an up an over the bridge. Turn right, passin the shops an the flats, an go te the end, comin out where the ship docks te take ye te Liverpool. One day soon, I’ll be takin tha ship an leavin here for ever. I turned left an rushed on. It was pitch black, an the wind was whippin up the river. I hadn’t seen a soul. An it was so quiet, everyone was snorin in their beds.

  At last I could see Jackser. He was sittin in a little box like a hut wit no door. An he was holdin his hands out, warmin them on a big metal brazier glowin red hot filled te the brim wit coke. ‘It’s about time ye got here!’ Jackser snorted, whippin the package a sambidges an grabbin the can a tea. ‘I’m fuckin starved sittin here in the freezin cold while youse are all lyin in yer beds not givin a fuck about me so long as ye have yer own comforts!’ An he glared at me, shovin a huge chunk a bread an cheese down his neck an washin it down wit a big hot sup a tea.

  I watched this an mumbled, ‘We were hurryin, Jackser. An I got here as fast as I could.’

  I moved closer te the fire while he had his fill. An when he was satisfied, he offered me a bit a bread an poured me a sup a tea. ‘Here! Get tha down ya. It’s a cold night. At least it took them little bastards off the streets. Young fellas! Throwin stones, they were. At me!’ He couldn’t believe it an shook his head. ‘It’s the bigger ones I have te watch. Them bastards are throwin big rocks tha’d split ye wide open if ye didn’t keep wide awake. But I’ll catch them! An they won’t come back here in a hurry!’ I finished me tea an bread, an put the mug down, wantin te collect the can an go home. But Jackser was still talkin. ‘This job’d kill ya. The smoke from tha coke is gettin inta me lungs an poisonin me.’ Then he gave a big cough te clear his throat, an spat inta the fire, makin it sizzle. ‘Tha chinny aul bastard from the Vincents knew wha he was doin all right! Nobody else would take this job, breathin in them fumes from the coke an gettin yerself split wide open wit them fuckin young fellas!’

  Then he sat thinkin, starin at the fire. ‘When ye’re down, it’s very hard te get te yer feet again,’ he said, lookin very lonely. I listened. ‘Nobody wants te know ye! If I had me time over again, I’d do things differently. I’d never touch the drink. Tha was the ruination of me. I put me poor mother in an early grave because of it. I gave her a terrible time, I did. I even sold the home from over me brother’s head, I did. The night she was buried, I sold the key fer drink. Now they’re all in England, married wit families. An they’ve done well fer themselves. One of them even has his own business. But they won’t have anythin te do wit me! They haven’t spoke te me since tha night. They all had te take the boat te England. But it’s me poor mother. Ah! I broke her heart, Martha! If only I could tell her I’m sorry. I do terrible things, but I don’t mean them!’

  I looked at his eyes shinin wit tears, an I felt so sorry fer him. ‘Ye’re a good kid, Martha. I wish things were better, but you’re smart, ye have it all up here,’ an he pointed te his head. ‘You’re smarter than me an yer mammy. Poor Sally, she doesn’t have your head. But I’d do anythin fer her. I idolise the ground she walks on, but there doesn’t seem te be anythin I can do. She won’t let me work. When I used te do the coal, she followed me te the stables an accused me of lookin fer other women. But I wouldn’t do tha on yer mammy.’ I knew tha was true, but I didn’t know wha te say.

  Every night I have te run down wit his tea an sambidges. I’ll fall inta the bed aroun two o’clock an then get up again at seven an get the childre out onta the street, cos Jackser wants his peace an quiet te sleep until about four o’clock. I’m worn out walkin the streets wit the childre. An I have te spare the bread me ma gives me. An the childre are whingin wit the hunger. Me head is painin me all the time, an I get sick if I touch the bread. An we’re all freezin cold an exhausted from tiredness. But nothin is goin te change. I wish he’d never got tha job.

  Jackser came home on Thursday mornin wit a black eye an a big bloody swollen mouth. I listened while he told me ma wha happened. ‘Sally, I got an awful beatin!’ he said as he collapsed in the door. Me mouth fell open, an me ma shook an blinked, an chewed her lip, an went white as a sheet.

  ‘Wha happened?’ she asked.

  ‘Them bastards, big young fellas they were, started their messin again, throwin stones at me. Big rocks! But I was ready – waitin fer them, I was. An when they came, I let them get close, an then I sprang. Catchin the leader, I gave him a hammerin. A young fella of about fourteen. He squealed like a pig. The bastards had been houndin me night after night. An then early this mornin, aroun six o’clock, two fellas appeared outa nowhere when I was sleepin. Out of me senses I was, an they dragged me te me feet an started punchin me in the stomach an kickin me on the ground. I never had a chance. He was the young fella’s aul fella. He was a docker on his way te work, he said! The other fella said nothin. Just stood there wit his legs spread out an his arms folded, watchin. “I don’t want te see you here tonight when I get outa the pub!” he said, yankin me te me feet an shovin his big bull face at me. “Or ye’ll be in tha fuckin Liffey wit a big chain tied aroun yer neck. Do ya get tha?” he roared at me. Jaysus, Sally! Ye should a seen the size a them! They’d make ten a me. Built like a fuckin bus, he was! Tha’s the end a me! No more. I’m not showin me face down there again. Fuck me, no!’ An he collapsed on top of the bed.

  Jackser’s gone te collect his wages an his cards from the job, an sign back on the labour. I’m happy, cos now I might get a bit of rest at last. We took the chance, while he an the ma was out, te lie on the bed. Everyone was exhausted, even the babby was sleepin. I closed me eyes an felt meself sinkin down inta a lovely sleep. ‘Oh! Thanks be te God! This is lovely,’ I sighed.

  We all woke up when we heard the shoutin. Jackser was comin through the door wit me ma trailin behind him. ‘Can ye believe tha, Mrs? No labour until God knows when! An all cos they said I walked out on the poxy job. Sure, I was only offa the labour fer three weeks! An now ye’re tellin me the Vincents are comin no more!’ He roared at me ma, spittin wit annoyance, his eyes bulgin outa his head.

  ‘It’s not my fault the Vincents won’t give us any more!’ me ma shouted back. ‘I’m only tellin ye wha they said te me. Chinny said, when I asked them te call on us, tha they can’t do any more fer us. Tha they have more deservin cases te look after!’

  Jackser ran at her an waved his arm in the air, pointin te the other flats. ‘Ye mean they’re goin te give it te them tha has plenty. While the rest of us starve!’

  ‘Wha do ya want me te do?’ me ma roared, takin off her coat an scarf.

  ‘Right! Tha’s it, I’ve had enough.’ An he made fer the door.

  ‘Where are ye goin?’ me ma screamed in panic.

  ‘Mind yer own fuckin business,’ he said, lookin back at her.

  ‘No! Give me tha money. Give me them wages ye got from the job.’ She lunged at his pockets, tearin at his coat. He grabbed her, givin her a punch in the face, an sent her flyin. She hit the floor.

  The kids screamed, an I leapt offa the bed screamin, ‘No, Jackser! Pl
ease don’t hurt me mammy!’ I was implorin him wit me hands joined an lookin up inta his face. He hesimitated, spit comin outa his mouth an his eyes starin outa his head. I was so afraid he’d kill her an the rest of us.

  We stayed like tha fer a few seconds, our eyes locked on each other, an then his face dropped an his eyes cleared. An he put his hand in his pocket an took out four green pound notes an handed me two. An he said quietly, ‘Here, give tha te yer mammy. I have te get out, this place is killin me. I’ll be back. Look after her.’ An he was gone.

  I picked me ma up off the floor, an her lip was bleedin, an her cheek was all swollen. ‘Here, Ma,’ I said quietly, givin her the money when she was sittin on the chair.

  She wiped the blood off her mouth wit the back of her hand an looked at the money. ‘Tha won’t last long. He’s gone off te drink the rest. What am I goin te do now?’ she cried, lookin at me. I stared at her, feelin very sorry fer her. I wanted te do somethin, but I didn’t know wha te do. I was still shakin, an I could feel me heart sinkin down inta me belly wit the way everythin seemed so empty. She sat there cryin quietly. An I sagged down onta the bed.

  Harry was whingin an pullin at his hair wit tiredness an hunger. His face was black an sticky, an his hair was standin up an matted wit dirt. An then he started bangin his head against the wall. I tried te pull him over te me, but he pushed me away. Teddy lay down again an just stared at the wall, not even blinkin. An Charlie just sat on the bed, not movin a muscle, an looked at me, only movin his eyes, as if te say, maybe you’ll do somethin, Martha, te make things better.