Travesty

by Carrie Thomas

  “Are you sure about this, man?” Paco asked as we pulled up to our destination.

  “Fuck no, but I’m doing it anyway. I need a shot first, though,” I said running my sweaty palms down the front of my jeans.

  “Here,” he said reaching into the glove box to pull out a flask of Jack Daniels.

  I took three swigs and put the lid back on. “Let’s roll.”

  He shook his head as we got out of his truck and walked into the shop. He waited patiently as I did something totally irrational and stupid by most people’s measures—including his own. I didn’t care. It was important to me and that was all that mattered. I’d permanently marked my skin with something no one would understand, even if they did ever get a chance to see it. The only people who knew the meaning were me and her. My Sophia.

  It wasn’t as painful as I thought it was going to be. Oddly enough, it was peaceful. The tattoo artist thought I was crazy when I told him what I wanted, but I just laughed. Paco kept telling me that making decisions while drunk wasn’t smart, but I’d had the idea before I was drunk. “I just needed the drink to ease the pain,” I explained to him.

  Feeling lighter as I walked out, I knew I had a permanent connection to her now. Like even though I couldn’t see her or talk to her, she was with me. Even if she never contacted me again, I wouldn’t regret it. I would never apologize for anything that had to do with her.

  Cal eventually offered me the position right under Paco. I took it because I loved working and living there. I couldn’t see myself doing anything else.

  There wasn’t going be a trial for Jim and Pat. They’d both pled guilty to all charges. If it hadn’t been for Cal, I wasn’t sure everything would have worked out the way it did. I wanted them to pay for everything, but I was mainly concerned about the kidnapping charge. I knew that charge would carry the larger sentence. Now that I wasn’t so focused on myself, I didn’t even care about all they’d done to me, as long as they rotted behind bars for the crimes they’d committed toward Sophia.

  Sophia’s father’s lawyer had gotten Finley off on a technicality. The court had decided the there was a gray area where falsifying letters from people who’d really been kidnapped were concerned. I was too pissed to even listen to the detectives as they read the charge to me. The bottom line was, she’d pay a decent fine, then go on about her business.

  Two detectives had come out to the ranch to interview me. I hadn’t wanted to rehash the past, but in the end, I’d gone through every detail from the earlier years of abuse, to Jim supplying me with a fake ID. I’d also been honest about everything I’d done to get Sophia into school. Not that I was too worried about it, but they hadn’t charged me because I’d given them all the contacts and a way to get in touch with them.

  I’d told them I didn’t mind going back to Oklahoma for the interview, but Tonya told them no. She vehemently demanded they do any and all interviews from the ranch, as I had been through too much already.

  Luckily, with all the charges they had on both of them, there was no way either of them had a snow ball’s chance in hell at walking free. I’d done a video interview for the prosecutor as well. I wasn’t sure if Sophia had to show up in court or not, and it bugged me. I planned on going to the hearing for moral support, but decided against it when she still hadn’t contacted me. And that wasn’t the only reason I didn’t go. I also knew I couldn’t bear the face to face rejection from Sophia.

  Tonya swore Sophia would contact us when she was ready. I didn’t know if I believed that, but something deep inside me wouldn’t allow me to lose hope. I was getting desperate for her. I’d even opened up a fake Facebook account to see if she had one. I found her, but there had been no new activity on it for over a year. I found myself stalking the page, memorizing the older photos and looking for new photos—all the while secretly hoping there wouldn’t be any. I didn’t want her to move on. It was selfish, I knew, but I needed her to miss me as much as I did her. Maybe, if she couldn’t forget me, she’d come back.

  I tried my best to go back to my old life. After contacting Courtney, we both cried for two solid hours. She knew I hadn’t run away, and had tried to tell everyone I wouldn’t have made a decision like that. She’d been right. I would’ve moved in with her before I’d done something so drastic. Her parents told her to stay out of it, but she called my dad night and day trying to make him see his error in judgement. He claimed to have the letter and told her that none of them realized the depression I’d been dealing with.

  She told me she had even hung signs around town. It was definitely embarrassing having the whole town aware of my family problems. Little did they know, it’d been worse than a healthy amount of teenage rebellion. I was apprehensive about everyone in town finding out what had happened to me. It was weird how they looked at me, like they wanted to ask me questions, but knew it was crossing a line. Even small talk seemed awkward and forced.

  I knew I was different due to my experience, but connecting with anyone from my old life proved to be difficult. I clung to Courtney, hanging all my hopes of normalcy on her. I found myself spending more time with her than I did my own dad, just like it used to be.

  Aside from one explosive argument, where my dad threatened to have Finley move out, they’d continued to stay together after she admitted to writing the letter. I wondered how he could stay with someone like that, but all he ever said was that she acted out of sympathy for me.

  She claimed to have thought I truly did runaway and she wanted my dad to have closure. She said it was for both of us, giving me time to collect myself, while making sure he wasn’t heartbroken because I hadn’t had the decency to tell him why I was leaving. It gutted me that he would believe her, but after a couple of weeks of trying hard to relate to him—to make him love me the way I needed—I decided to accept that we would never be the family I’d come to want.

  Courtney and I were closer than ever, due mostly to her curiosity. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her to know what had happened, but it seemed pointless to keep reliving it. I did indulge her with the whole story, but had left out the gory details from my time in the basement. After all the time that had passed, pity still bothered me. I also left out just how strong my feelings for Abe were. She knew I loved him, but I hadn’t described how a piece of me was missing since he wasn’t with me. Honestly, I didn’t know if she’d understand it even if I had.

  I went back to school for the first semester. I only had to take two classes to get my diploma, but I took a full load so that I could stay at school to fill my days. But it wasn’t the same as it had been before. I’d been friends with the same people my whole life, and now I had nothing in common with them. I was completely a different person. There was nothing I could do to change it—it was what it was. Finding my place was a struggle. Nothing motivated me. I hadn’t even taken any photographs since returning. There was absolutely nothing about my life I wanted to capture.

  The attention surrounding me was overwhelming and unwanted. People at school were either uncomfortable around me or treated me like a novelty. It wasn’t everyday someone went through what I’d gone through, let alone lived through it. No one knew how to act or what to talk to me about. I was the white elephant in the room. I could see the curiosity in their eyes and the conundrum of how to approach me. So most of the time, they didn’t, which was perfectly fine with me.

  The story ran on our local news nonstop for the first two weeks, and then again when Jim and Pat had their hearing. Between me being found alive, and my captors living a few miles down the road, most people in the area knew everyone involved. My dad had at least done one thing right. He released a statement, advising I was doing well and our family needed the privacy we were due, so most of the locals respected his wishes. For that, I was thankful.

  No matter how many nights I spent at my dad’s, it never felt like home. It almost seemed as though I was an imposter in my own home. I missed Abe and my life back in Texas so much. I now understood fully
how Abe had only been trying to keep me from knowing what it felt like to have my family not care if I was around or not. He recognized the feeling of being unwanted, and tried to protect me from it.

  I hadn’t said one word to Finley since my return. Oh, I’d thought about giving her an ear full, even threatening to press charges, but that part of me died one night, when I saw my dad wrap his arm around her waist and pull her in for a kiss. I’d wanted to scream, to tell her that she was the worst person alive, but the realization hit me like a ton of bricks as I watched her and my father fawn over one another. Neither of them noticed me. They were in their own world—better off without me. They’d always been this way, I’d just never been so aware of my own self.

  Before I’d been taken, I’d had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. After going through the things I’d gone through, I had no choice but to analyze myself. With all of the time spent with Abe building me back up, I’d come to the point where I enjoyed my life on the ranch.

  At that point of realization, I didn’t care what happened to Finley. I wasn’t concerned if she ever got what she deserved for doing what she did to me. I loved my dad, but I didn’t want to be around them, and most definitely didn’t want to live with them. I just wanted to be free from it all.

  I called Courtney over the night before Christmas, to give her a proper goodbye. I would miss her, but I couldn’t live without Abe anymore. He was my home. I loved him. He made me feel safe and loved. I didn’t have that here.

  “Are you sure about this?” Courtney wiped her tears away.

  “I’ve never been more positive about anything in my life.”

  “You’ve changed.” She gauged.

  “How?”

  “You’re just—you know what you want.” She smiled.

  “You can come visit. I’ll call you once I figure everything out. I can’t wait for you to meet him. He is so freaking amazing,” I gushed.

  “He took care of my girl, so I already love him.” She winked. “What did your dad say?”

  “Not much. He told me I was an adult now, and it was my decision in the end. Fitch was overly ecstatic, of course,” I said, rolling my eyes.

  “You deserve to be happy, Soph. I love you, and no matter what happens, you always have me. I’m kind of excited to meet Sam and Ty too,” Courtney said.

  “You’re going to love Sam. Besides, I will need you around when Ty hits on Abe. I swear Court, there is nothing on this earth that is as funny as his face. It makes him so freakin’ uncomfortable.” I chuckled.

  I hugged her and she helped me carry my stuff downstairs to my car. I waited until late at night before I left. I wanted to get to Anton at the right time. I couldn’t explain the feeling I had when I finally hit the interstate. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and no matter what I was about to walk into, I would be okay.

  I loved my dad and planned on keeping in contact with him, but I was learning a valuable lesson about what family meant. Abe, Cal, Tonya and Ava were my family. I didn’t want to live without them. I even missed Paco and the rest of the guys.

  I pulled into the ranch a nervous wreck. I wanted to speak with Cal and Tonya first. I knew they would have everyone over for lunch, so I arrived early on purpose. I didn’t want to run into anyone at their house before I settled the score with them.

  Knocking on the door, I took a deep breath.

  “Sophia.” Tonya’s eyes went as wide as saucers.

  “Hey,” I said, sticking my hands in my pockets.

  “Come in, babe. How are you?”

  “I’m good, I—” I sighed, my tears stinging as they overflowed.

  “It’s okay, honey,” she said pulling me into her arms.

  “I’m sorry, it’s been a sucky few months,” I said wiping my eyes.

  “We were worried when we never heard from you.”

  “I know. I was just trying to figure everything out and finish high school.”

  “And did you?”

  “Yeah, this past semester.”

  “Good for you. Did you work things out with your dad?”

  “I guess. Abe was sort of right. They don’t want me there.” I shrugged.

  “I’m so sorry, Soph. You know we want you here. Abe misses you somethin’ fierce.”

  I smiled at her. “I miss him too. I miss everyone really. I came by here to apologize for everything that’s happened. I still feel bad about it, and I’m sorry I haven’t contacted anyone. That was pretty shitty of me, especially after all you’ve done to help me out.”

  “No, don’t do that, Sophia. I’m serious. We’ve been spending more time with Abe. He’s told us everything. After the detectives left, we all sat down together. You two have been through more than most people have in a lifetime. I’m proud of you.”

  “You are one of the best people I’ve ever met. I hope I can be as giving as you and your mom. I look up to you.”

  “Come here.”

  We hugged, really hugged, and I knew I would never be without her in my life again. She meant too much to me. “I’m going to go see Abe now.”

  “Soph, he’s—he hasn’t been doing all that great.” She frowned.

  “Is he okay?”

  “Physically—yes. He’s been working a lot.”

  “I love him.” I felt like I needed to defend myself. I didn’t want her to think I was blasé about this whole thing. I felt just as lost as he did, and I was here to make it right.

  “I know you do, babe. He loves you too. It was hard on him when you left, but we all understood that you needed to do it.”

  “I’ve got my past settled now. My dad was even okay with me coming back.”

  “Good. You belong here, with us and Abe.”

  “I know. I hope he’ll forgive me.”

  “Oh, hun, he already has. He just wants you back. Now you go down there and makeup. Then y’all come back for lunch, okay?”

  “All right, thanks.”

  I drove as slow as I could to the old bunk house. I didn’t know why. On my way to Texas, I couldn’t wait to arrive, even speeding excessively at times, but now I was nervous. I had hurt him. I’d walked away without so much as a goodbye, or a thank you. To top things off, I hadn’t talked to him in months.

  Replaying everything in my mind, I panicked, thinking he may have found someone else in our time apart. What if she was there and maybe Tonya wasn’t aware of it? Sweat prickled my armpits as I got out of my car. Please let him still love me, I kept saying in my mind as I knocked on the door.

  I wasn’t prepared for the sight of him when he swung the door wide open. He was so handsome, my breath caught in my lungs, rendering me speechless. The butterflies in my stomach were working double-time as I waited for him to speak. His facial expression was frozen in shock, mixed with relief.

  “Merry Christmas,” she said.

  “Merry Christmas.” My voice sounded weird. It was soft and weak. Moving out of the way, I gestured for her to come inside.

  I was itching to hug her, to make physical contact in some way. Normally, I would have waited for her to make the first move, to let me know what she was comfortable with, but I was done being chivalrous. The last time I’d waited, I didn’t get to see her for months. I walked up to her, until she had to tilt her beautiful eyes up to keep our gaze locked, and I kissed her with everything I had.

  There was so much I’d wanted to say, but thinking about it made me dizzy. Right now, I only wanted to touch her. We hugged so tight, I was sure it was bordering on pain for her, but I felt like I couldn’t get close enough.

  I broke the kiss and held her face in my hands. “My God, I’ve missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you too. I’m so sorry, Abe,” she cried.

  “Baby, I don’t give a damn about any of it. Just tell me you’re okay and that you want to be with me,” I said, wiping her tears away.

  She smiled. “I’m okay and I want to be with you.”

  “That’s all I need to know.
” I picked her up bridal style and carried her to her old bedroom. I didn’t care about lunch at Cal’s. I was spending every moment with her and her alone. I laid her down on the bed and sprawled out beside her, touching every inch of her body, breathing her in.

  “You were right,” she whispered.

  “About?” I ran my right hand under the hem of her shirt, touching her soft stomach.

  “My dad.” She sighed.

  “No, Soph. I never should have said that. I didn’t know about your mom. I thought I was protecting you.”

  “You were. My dad loves me, but he loves Finley more. Ever since my mom died, it’s just—complicated. We’re good though. I left on good terms.”

  “Good. I don’t want you to have any unresolved issues.” I wasn’t completely convinced the relationship she had with her father was healthy, but if she was okay with it, I wasn’t going to butt in. I had definitely learned my lesson.

  “It almost killed me, staying there. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.”

  “I didn’t fare so well myself,” I admitted.

  “What happened?”

  I took a deep breath, knowing I needed to admit my foolishness. “I broke a couple of bones, among other things. Then I started a solid week of binge drinking, coupled with almost working myself to death. I basically treaded through the days without a purpose.”

  “Why did you do that?”

  “I don’t know. I was just . . . sad.”

  She ran a hand down my cheek and kissed the tip of my nose. “I finished high school early. I wanted to be done before I came back.”

  “I’m so proud of you. I’m sorry you’ve had so much to deal with,” I said, meaning it.

  “As I am for you. I thought about you every day, and even more so at night.”

  “I love you. I don’t ever want to be without you again.”

  “Me either. I didn’t sleep a whole night through.”

  “Is this where you want to stay? If you’re not comfortable here, we’ll leave. I’ll go wherever you want.”