Myself (Selfish Series, #2)

by Shantel Tessier

  Slowly standing, I look around the boat. It’s silent out here on the ocean. I walk to the back of the boat and look over the waves the boat makes as it takes us farther away from land. We aren’t that far from shore. Maybe ten miles, give or take a few. I think everyone got off when we docked for Vicki. The scene I made cut the party short, and of course, Ryder and Ashlyn never emerged from his cabin. They’re probably asleep by now.

  My phone rings again, and I look at Mom lit up. My phone shakes in my hand, and I decide I can’t hide from her forever. I hit answer and place it to my ear. “Hello?” My voice wavers.

  “Rebecca!” She shouts my name. “Just what do you think you’re doing?” she demands. “I did not raise you to act like a hooligan.”

  “Mom—”

  “Listen to me! You will tell the captain to turn that boat back around and pick up Vicki. That is just unacceptable!” she snaps. “Tell your brother to stop messing with that little whore and apologize to Vicki!”

  I tighten my hand around my phone at how she speaks of Ashlyn. “No, Mom.” It’s been over two hours since all that went down. First, I doubt Vicki is still at the dock, and second, I wouldn’t even apologize to her, so I doubt Ryder would either.

  “Excuse me?” she demands. “Don’t make me—”

  “What?” I interrupt her. “Don’t make you what, Mom? Pay someone to date Ashlyn so she’ll leave Ryder alone?” I growl. She lets out a huff but says nothing. “Ashlyn isn’t like Conner. She’ll take your money and throw it at your face.”

  She laughs. “No one would turn my price down.”

  Her words are like a knife stabbing me in the chest, and I try to suck in a breath. “She’s not like you, Mom,” I say still trying to take a deep breath. “Ashlyn doesn’t care about the money. She cares about Ryder.”

  She huffs as if she doesn’t believe me. “Explain to me why?” I sniff. “You didn’t want me to go to Seattle. You told me that every day. Please explain it to me,” I beg, and I hate that I’m begging her for this. For her to explain how she controlled my life.

  “Oh, that?” she asks. “It’s called an act, Becca. Your father thought you needed to stay here. I had to play along with that,” she says as if she’s rolling her eyes at my need of an explanation. “So I pretended that I didn’t want you to go when really that was the best thing for you. But of course, I wasn’t gonna let you go alone. Conner needed to chaperone you.”

  “How could you?” I ask as my throat closes on me. “How could you do that to me? Your own daughter? Pay him to be with me?” I feel I must clarify ‘cause God knows how much she has done that I don’t know about.

  “Because he was what you needed,” she replies simply.

  “He treated me like shit, Mother!” I snap, losing my patience with her. “He did nothing but cheat on me.” Tears well up in my eyes. “You allowed him to take advantage of me.” I’m shaking I’m so pissed.

  “And you think Jaycent is any better?” She huffs, and it makes her sound just like Vicki. “He was sleeping with an eighteen-year-old girl.”

  My mouth falls open as I look over the dark water and suppress my urge to throw my phone overboard. “How did you know?” Was Jaycent right?

  “Oh, please,” she snaps. “A mother always knows.”

  “You weren’t my mother,” I shout into the night.

  “Listen here, you ungrateful little bitch!” she shouts back. “I am your mother, and you will do as I say.” I shake my head at myself. “You will not run around this town making a fool of me. And neither will your brother!” I close my eyes tightly, and tears roll down my cheeks.

  “You’re the fool, Mother,” I say softly. Suddenly, all my energy was gone. “You’re the fool who only cares about herself. And in the end, that’s all you’re gonna have left.” I open my eyes, hang up, and pitch the phone into the dark ocean with a loud scream of frustration.

  I place my hands on the rail and hang my head as a sob wracks my body. I just don’t understand how she can’t care about me. About Ryder. How she can think it’s okay to say how we can and can’t live our lives.

  I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I spin around to see Jaycent standing behind me. “How much did you hear?” I ask, wiping the tears from my face then hugging myself. My body is shaking in anger.

  “All of it,” he admits sadly.

  My shoulders slump and a sob wracks my body. I unwrap my arms around myself and bury my face in my hands. His arms wrap around my shoulders, and he pulls me to him. His hand runs up and down my back as my tears cover his button up. His lips touch my hair as he kisses me. Then he pulls away, bends down, and picks me up. With one arm behind my back and the other under my knees, he carries me back to our cabin.

  **

  I wake the following morning to see Jaycent sleeping in front of me. I feel a little better than when I went to bed. I still hate my mother, and I’m pretty sure I’ll never forgive her, but Jaycent? I can’t really blame him. I can’t imagine what kind of guilt he must have had knowing that his father slept with my mom. And he blames himself for the past four years of my pointless relationship. It’s not his fault. We both went our separate ways not knowing all the secrets and lies we were told.

  I pull him closer to me and bury my head into his bare chest. I feel it rumble as his lips gently kiss my hair. “Good morning,” he says roughly.

  “Morning,” I say softly.

  He pulls away from me, and his light brown eyes search my face. “How do you feel this morning?”

  “Not much better.”

  He sighs. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I feel we have another situation to take care of.”

  “What?” I ask, pulling away from him and sitting up. I’ve got a pounding headache as if I’d been drinking all night. I wish that were the case.

  “We need to tell Ryder.” I start shaking my head quickly. “Yes. Your father knows. Now, Vicki knows. Your mother knows. We need to tell him before someone else does.”

  I shove off the covers and get out of bed. “I’m not telling him, Jaycent.” He lets out a growl. “Not now. Not after what happened last night between him and Ashlyn.” In the rush of getting from the salon to out here, I had forgotten a bag.

  “Becca ...” He sits up and runs a hand through his dark, disheveled hair. “There’s never going to be a good time.”

  “There will be a better time than now,” I snap, grabbing my dress off the floor. I wish I could say he ripped it off me last night, but that didn’t happen.

  “So what? What happens if he finds out from someone else?”

  “We deny it,” I say simply, pulling it over my head.

  “No,” he growls. “We are not going to play this game.” I ignore him as I walk into the adjoining bathroom. “Becca,” he snaps.

  “No, Jaycent,” I shout, walking back out of it to face him. “We are not telling him, and that is that!” Then I open the door, walking out of the room altogether, and slam it shut behind me.

  I make my way out onto the upper deck and walk to the back of the boat. The same place where I had spoken to my mother. The sun is coming up, and I can see the dock from here. And I wonder where my phone is down there, and if it’s close to Vicki’s. I actually smile. It’s nice not to have one.

  The wind blows my hair around, tangling it, and I push it back from my face. I can feel him walking up behind me before he even speaks. “I’m just trying to make things easier on you,” he says as he comes up beside me.

  I turn to face him. “Then maybe you should stop pushing me to do things that I’m not ready to do.”

  He reaches up, placing his hands in my hair and holding it back, so I don’t have to. His eyes search mine. I lick my lips, just wanting to end this conversation. I’m so tired of talking about this. “Kiss me,” I demand softly. His light brown eyes drop to my lips. “Please, kiss me ...”

  His lips are on mine before I can even finish begging. I open wide for him, and he pushes my back against the r
ailing. One hand leaves my face and grabs my thigh; he lifts it up, and his hardness presses into my lower belly. And my anger returns from last night. The fact that I went to bed crying instead of him being inside me. One more reason for me to hate my mother. Last night should have been magical, and it ended up being a nightmare. She’s already affecting our relationship.

  “Beautiful morning, isn’t it?”

  We pull away quickly, and I wipe my lips with the back of my hand. Jaycent coughs as he looks anywhere but at Ashlyn as she stands at the top of the stairs looking right at us. She wears her black dress from last night, but you can tell it spent the night wadded up in a corner rather than hung up in a closet. Her blond hair sticks out and up, and the wind doesn’t help its freshly fucked look. At least, someone got lucky last night.

  “Becca, I’m gonna see what I can find to cook for breakfast. Wanna help me?”

  I nod as I walk away from Jaycent and pass her. I make my way through my brother’s boat and to the kitchen in silence. As we enter the kitchen, we find the staff has already started cooking.

  “Get out,” she says.

  They all turn toward her with looks of confusion. She points at the door with her thumb. “Get out,” she repeats. “You’re off for the day.”

  They look at me as if I can tell them to stay. I’m not sure where she wants them to go. We’re on a boat, but I’m not going to tell her that. She’s in a mood. She claps her hands loudly, and they scatter.

  She opens the fridge and goes through it. I walk over to her and lean my back against the counter and sigh.

  “Ballsy,” she says, referring to me and Jaycent on the deck as she removes a carton of eggs.

  “It’s getting harder to hide it,” I say honestly. What if she had been Ry?

  “No shit.”

  “He wants to tell Ryder,” I whisper.

  “And you’re not ready?” She grabs a bowl and starts cracking the eggs.

  I shake my head. “Ry will be so pissed.” I take a deep breath. “But Jaycent keeps bringing it up. Like every second. If I keep putting it off, he may walk away.” Would he do that? Would he tell me never mind on moving in together and just break it off altogether? How would I feel if someone kept denying me? Pretty awful. That thought makes my stomach sink.

  “I doubt that,” she says.

  “I don’t wanna hurt Ry. But Jaycent and I should be able to be together. Jaycent makes it sound like he needs Ry’s blessing,” I huff. Is that why he cares so much? Because he needs Ry’s approval? I mean I’ve already told him I’m going to move in with him. Why does it matter what Ry thinks?

  “Maybe he does.”

  “Well, I don’t,” I snap. I run a hand through my hair. Last night is still fresh on my mind. I wanna tell her what else I found out after talking to Vicki, but I don’t. That’s another embarrassment I don’t want to relive. If I told her what my mother did, she would go crazy. She would tell Ryder and then that would once again lead to him finding out about me and Jaycent. I hate how our lives are joined. If one secret gets out, then all will be leaked. “I feel like time is running out,” I say honestly. How long will Jaycent wait?

  “Can you get me the milk, please?” she asks, and I know it’s just to distract me. But I do it anyway.

  I hand it to her, and I wrap my hand around her wrist. She hisses in a breath when I squeeze it harder than I mean to. Loosening my grip, I see marks around them. I refuse to ask what they are from. I don’t care what kind of kinky shit her and Ry are into. I look up at her, and she smiles. “What?”

  I shake my head and lower my eyes. “When did you get this?” I ask, looking down at the bracelet I’ve never seen her wear before.

  “Last night,” she answers happily.

  “The bracelet,” I say, making sure she knows what I’m referring to.

  “Last night,” she repeats.

  I release her wrist, and she smiles, looking down at it.

  “It’s beautiful,” I tell her.

  “I agree.”

  “But then again, everything from Tiffany’s is,” I say, trying not to smile that my brother bought her something from Tiffany’s. I’ve never known him to buy a girl anything. Not even when he was in high school.

  Her hand drops, and she looks up at me. “Tiffany’s?” she asks, and I nod. He didn’t tell her. “The Tiffany’s and Company?”

  I nod slowly. “Yes.” She starts shaking her head as if she doesn’t believe me, so I grab her wrist and turn the heart charm over to where she can read the back of it. Tiffany & Co.

  “He didn’t tell me where it came from,” she growls. “He knows how I feel about the money—”

  I doubt she knows it’s platinum either. I won’t spoil that for her. “Ashlyn,” I interrupt her, needing her to understand something. After the conversation I had with my mother last night, I know their relationship is going to be just as hard to fight for. “I want to tell you something, but I don’t want you to think I’m taking his side.” Jaycent once said he would choose my side over Ryder’s, and I remember telling him that it shouldn’t be about sides. But he was right. There’s always a side to choose.

  Her brow rises. “His side?”

  “You have to understand where Ry and I came from. Our parents were never around. My father means well, and well, my mother just wants everyone to see her.” I frown, hating that choice of words. I should have said something harsher, but she would question it. “Ry doesn’t understand how to show someone he cares about them.”

  “Becca.”

  “Just wait. I learned a lot from you and your parents over the past four years. I realized what love looks like. I understand when someone said a hug could change your entire day. But Ry still doesn’t know what that’s like. He’s like my father. Money saves the day. He may have bought you that bracelet, but I know he bought it with the purest of intentions.” He’s learning. And in all honesty, I think he’s doing a great job with nothing to go off. He’s trying his best.

  “What are you saying?” she asks, running her fingers over the crown charm.

  “I’m saying don’t be mad at him for doing the only thing he knows.”

  I leave her staring down at her bracelet and make my way up to the back deck just in time to see my brother talking to Jaycent.

  Jaycent places his hands in his pocket, still standing by the railing. “I need to talk to you,” he says, and my heart rate picks up.

  “Okay,” Ryder says, crossing his arms over his chest.

  Jaycent goes to open his mouth, and I run up behind them. “Ry.” I put a fake smile on my face as my brother turns to look at me. Then I look at Jaycent, and it drops.

  I try to think of something to say when he thankfully he beats me to it. “Where’s Ashlyn?”

  “In the kitchen cooking.”

  “Why?” he asks as if that’s insane.

  “Because she wanted to,” I say simply, and without another word, he walks off to go to her.

  I turn on Jaycent. “What in the hell was that?” I demand.

  He runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “I have to tell him ...”

  “We’ve talked about this,” I growl.

  “No. You continue to ignore me when I try to talk about it.”

  I bite my bottom lip, trying to keep my mouth shut. He walks up to me and places his hands on my shoulders. “Becca, we have to—”

  “No!” I shove him away. “Why are you doing this?” I ask as those angry tears start to sting my eyes. “Why is it so important to you to ruin everything between us?”

  His face falls, and his eyes soften. “I don’t see it that way,” he says softly.

  “I do,” I say, looking way from him. “I see you destroying our relationship because you feel guilty. It’s our time, Jaycent. We’ve waited long enough to get here, and now, you just want to let it go.”

  “No, no, no,” he says, quickly shaking his head. “That’s not even close to what I’m thinking.” He pulls me in and sighs as he hu
gs me. “I’m sorry. I’ll drop it. I promise.” And with that, he kisses my forehead as if that’s him sealing his promise.

  JAYCENT

  When we finally pull into port, Becca and Ashlyn are laughing, and Ryder turns to look at me. “What did you want to discuss earlier?” he asks.

  I shake my head. “Nothing important.” Those words are hard to say. Because Becca is the most important thing in my life. But I finally understood why she’s not ready to tell him. She kept telling me, but I didn’t realize just how important it was to her. And I choose her side in this. She wants to wait, so we’ll wait. I’ll take the consequences of possibly losing a best friend when we get there. ‘Cause we will. He’ll be hurt, and I’ll be the bastard, but it’s a small price to pay to keep her happy.

  “Hey, Ry?” Becca says as she opens the back door of her ride home. “Mom kept calling me last night.” She swallows. “Over Vicki.”

  He nods. “She kept calling me too. I turned my phone off,” he informs her as he walks Ashlyn over to her car door.

  She smiles in relief. “Can you continue to ignore her? For me?”

  He was kissing Ashlyn goodbye but pulls away when she asks him that. “Why? Something wrong?”

  She looks at Ashlyn who is looking down at her bracelet then back at him. “Not if you continue to ignore her.”

  He looks down at Ashlyn, and she’s oblivious to anything that is being said. She’s too wrapped up in a bracelet on her wrist. He smiles at his sister and nods as if he gets it. If he takes his mother’s call, it’s gonna do nothing but cause problems. If only he knew that she meant for me and him as well.

  I get into the front seat while the girls climb in the back. I rode out here with Ryder yesterday, but he has to go to his office for work when we get to the city, so he suggested I ride back with them. As soon as we got back to their apartment, Becca and I took showers and got ready. We left Ashlyn back at the apartment while we went into town and got Becca a new phone.

  We arrive back at their place, and Becca is laughing about something I said when I walk in and come to a stop. “What the hell is that?” I ask, looking down at what looks to be an alien. It’s got no hair and wrinkly skin with these big ass ears. I think they’re satellites.