Buried Castles

by Monica Alexander

  “Emily was not my girlfriend,” I countered. “And I didn’t tell you about her, because I never had any intention of her meeting Lily. She was a girl I met this summer when I was going through one of the toughest times in my life, and she provided a great distraction. That’s all.”

  Jen threw her hands up in the air as she rose from the couch. “That’s bullshit, and you know it,” she said, pointing a finger at me as she walked to the kitchen. “You cared about that girl. You still do.”

  Jen returned a minute later and handed me a Coke. She sat down, opened a beer and took a long pull. I didn’t meet her eyes for a few moments and shook my head as her words resonated in my mind.

  “She was just someone to have fun with, that’s all,” I said again, as if trying to convince myself it was the truth. “There wasn’t anything real between us.”

  “Zack I know this girl, and she doesn’t date casually. She’s a relationship girl. If you were doing the casual thing, I’m not sure she was on-board with you.”

  “She was,” I insisted. “She’d just gotten out of a five year relationship. She said she wanted something casual.”

  I wasn’t sure why I was arguing with her. I knew what she was saying was true, but it was as if I was afraid to admit it out loud. If I said it, then it would be true, and I’d have to face it head-on. I wasn’t ready to do that. Seeing Emily earlier had thrown me for a loop, and I still wasn’t sure how to process it.

  “It may have started that way,” Jen said, “but I think she feels a bit differently now.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “How would you know? I thought you said she didn’t know who I was. Does she?! Did you talk to her about me?!”

  I leaned forward in the chair waiting for her response, agitation overcoming me. Things would be so much worse if Emily knew my secret.

  “Relax,” Jen said, as she took another pull of her beer, and I sat back. “She told me about a guy she met over the summer. I didn’t know it was you, but I could tell she had feelings for the guy she was talking about.”

  I sighed after a few seconds of silence. “Yeah, I know. She sort of fell for me.”

  “And how did you respond when she told you she loved you?” Jen asked, talking to me like I was a third grader.

  “I told her it wasn’t what I wanted, and I broke up with her.”

  “You dumbass,” Jen admonished, throwing her beer cap at me. “Why in the hell did you do that?”

  I didn’t answer her at first, but then I said, “Because I didn’t want that – I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, and I definitely wasn’t planning to fall in love.”

  “But you did.”

  “No, I didn’t,” I said emphatically, but even to my ears it sounded weak.

  “Uh, yeah, you did. I’ve never seen you as rattled over a girl as you were tonight, and I dated you for almost three years. That girl got under your skin. You just don’t want to admit it.”

  “Jen, let it go. There’s nothing between me and Emily. It was just a fun summer thing. We hooked up, messed around, and that’s it. I was surprised to see her tonight, but that’s all.”

  Jen slammed her beer bottle on the coffee table with a loud clunk, and I looked back at Lily’s closed bedroom door waiting to hear that the noise had woken her up. A few seconds later, I heard her cries. She was having a restless night. It happened sometimes, and I knew when she’d woken up earlier that it wouldn’t be the last time. I glared at Jen before I went in to check on her.

  “Hey baby girl,” I said, as Lily stood in her crib, tears running down her red cheeks, her arms extended toward me. “What’s wrong?”

  I lifted her into my arms and held her close to me as she tucked her wet face into my neck. She sobbed as I rocked her, trying to get her to calm down. Jen came in after a few minutes.

  “Hey sweetie,” she said, rubbing Lily’s back.

  Lily’s cries had quieted, but she still whimpered every few seconds. Upon hearing Jen’s voice, she arched out of my arms and reached for her mother, who was holding her pacifier.

  “I thought we were trying to break her from using that,” I asked, as Jen took Lily and placed the pacifier in her mouth. Lily sucked eagerly on it.

  “It helps when she’s like this,” Jen whispered, as Lily rested her head on her shoulder and looked at me. I watched her watching me as her eyelids started to get heavy. “But I usually don’t let her have it.”

  We didn’t say anything else until Jen set Lily, who was sleeping again, back in her crib. I followed her back out into the living room and we sat on opposite ends of the couch.

  “Thank you,” Jen said then, her demeanor markedly changed from a few minutes earlier.

  “For what?” I asked, appraising her.

  “For going in to get her – twice, for taking her to the park on Sundays and watching her overnight when I need a break, and just hanging out with her so I can get stuff done. Thank you.”

  “Yeah, absolutely.” I could hear a level of exhaustion in her voice that I’d never really heard before. Jen was like Superwoman. This was pretty out of character for her.

  She pulled her long blond hair into a ponytail. “It’s just been nice having someone to share the load, you know. It’s been a while since I’ve had that,” she said, and I started to defend myself, but she quickly silenced me. “It’s not your fault. I know you had to make a really tough decision when we came back here, and you stayed with Lynne, and I’m not upset with you. You did the right thing, and I can’t fault you for that, because it’s what I would have done, but being a single mom isn’t easy, so I guess I just wanted to say thank you.”

  “You’re welcome, but you know I do it because I love Lily. I want to be around her. Shit, I’d move her in with me if you’d let me.”

  Jen smiled, but it was a tired smile. “Be careful what you wish for.”

  “It was easier when we lived together, wasn’t it?”

  Jen nodded. “Yeah, it was. Do you want to move back in?” she asked, but I knew she was joking. She leaned her head on her hand and looked at me. “Do you ever wish we were together – you know, like together?”

  I suddenly felt my blood run cold. Did Jen still have feelings for me? She had never, in the three years since we’d broken up, expressed any romantic interest in me. Had she changed her mind?

  Jen laughed, and poked my thigh with her toe. “Sorry, I’m just tired. That came out really wrong. Don’t panic, I didn’t fall back in love with you or anything. I was just thinking how nice it would be to be married to, or at least dating, my daughter’s father. You know?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I hate that I can’t see Lily when she wakes up and goes to sleep every night, but I guess that’s just our reality.”

  Jen smiled. “Maybe you, me, Lily, Andrew and Emily can all get a house together. That wouldn’t be weird at all, right?”

  “You really just lumped Emily in there with all of us?”

  She nodded. “You like her, Zack. She’s a great girl, and she loves Lily. I don’t think I could have picked out anyone better for you, and for Lily, for that matter. You said she fell for you, and after her reaction to Kristin tonight, I’d say she hasn’t really lost those feelings.”

  “Jen, please don’t,” I said, shaking my head. “Emily’s not the girl for me. We had a fun summer, nothing more.”

  The words felt somewhat choked coming out of my mouth, but it was the truth. I wasn’t the guy Emily wanted. I couldn’t be the guy she wanted me to be. I couldn’t give her what she deserved. It’s why I’d ended things with her in the first place. Of course a part of me wished things were different, but that wasn’t really an option.

  “You have feelings for her, Zack, and she still loves you,” Jen said. “Open your eyes. If you truly wanted something casual this summer, you’d have picked up where you left off with Daphne the summer after we broke up. She was a casual girl, and from what I remember, not so sweet and innocent. You knew when you met Emily that she wasn’t like th
at. I mean, how could you not?”

  She was right. I had known. I’d known from that first time we’d talked on the steps at my dad’s beach house that she was a good girl, and I’d liked that about her – so much. I’d played along when she said she wanted something casual, because I hadn’t dated in so long, and I really didn’t want a relationship, but if I was being honest, I knew from the beginning that anything with Emily would be far from casual. I’d loved her without realizing it since the first time she’d kissed me. But that didn’t mean we were meant to be together.

  I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “What doesn’t matter?”

  “That I love her and she loves me. We can’t be together.”

  Jen grinned. “So you do love her?”

  I smirked and kicked her foot. “Yes, now shut up.”

  “So, why can’t you be together?”

  I laughed a short, non-humorous laugh. “Because I wasn’t honest. I hid the most important part of my life from her, and when she finds out, she’s not going to forgive me.”

  “She’ll understand.”

  I shook my head. “No, she won’t. She thinks I’m this young musician/bartender who parties and lives this relaxed beach lifestyle. She doesn’t even know me, and when she finds out who I really am, she’s not going to like it.”

  Jen laughed. “Zack, a young musician/bartender/beach bum is you, and there’s nothing wrong with who you are. I know you see yourself as a fuck-up because you’re still bartending at twenty-four, and you gave up your shot at a career in music, and you made some mistakes in the past, but you’ve got to let that all go, because I’ve got news for you: you were never going to go into psychology anyway. You were going to be a songwriter or a musician. You just took a detour and had a kid and helped your mom battle cancer. You did the right things for your family, and that’s what makes you a good guy. Now you have a second chance to pursue your dreams, and you’re going for it – even though I know you’re scared shitless.”

  I eyed her skeptically, still not believing her.

  “Zack, come on,” she pleaded. “Emily is not an unforgiving person, and she loves Lily. Sure, she’ll be shocked when you tell her, but if she truly loves you, it won’t matter.”

  “Okay,” I said through a deep breath. “I’ll think about it.”

  “I’ll call her right now,” Jen offered. “Ask her to come down, so you two can talk.”

  “Come down?” I asked, alarm bells ringing in my head.

  “Yeah,” Jen said. “She lives upstairs. You can go knock on her door if you want. Apartment 402.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Emily

  The whole next week, I was afraid to go anywhere, because of the inherent fear that Zack would be there. Nowhere felt safe, especially home, because I knew Zack could stop by Jen’s apartment at any time. I couldn’t even go to Starbucks. So I stuck to school, the Gamma Pi house, and home, but made sure to scan the parking lot liberally before venturing into or out of my apartment. I felt like the path between it and my car was no man’s land, and I was in danger of being attacked in such an exposed and open location.

  Not only was I avoiding Zack, but I was also avoiding Jen. I wasn’t sure what to say to her. I’d made a hasty excuse to leave her apartment after the announcement she’d inadvertently made and thankfully hadn’t seen her since. I was afraid of how I would act around her now. Would she be able to see right through me? Would she know instantly that’d I’d slept with Lily’s father?

  Okay, now that just sounded weird.

  But she obviously didn’t know about us. Zack hadn’t told her. If he had, she would have said something. Well, maybe they weren’t that close, but she did have that picture of him in her apartment. No, Zack hadn’t told her. He would have only said something had I been worth mentioning, and obviously I had not been, so there you go. Besides he had new girlfriend now anyway. He had Kristin, and she and Jen probably got along great. I was old news.

  Thankfully I survived the week without running into Zack or Jen, but then on Friday night I was forced to go out into the real world where there could be landmines hidden anywhere. It was our annual Gamma Pi fundraiser, and my presence was mandatory, even though I was dying to bail. But it was the one event I’d never bow out of since it was for a great cause.

  Rachel told me she would be by my side the whole night just in case anyone I didn’t want to see showed up, which I knew was highly unlikely since everyone I was afraid of seeing had already graduated college and would presumably not be at a sorority fundraiser, but either way, I was prepared. I was on high alert when I arrived at the club where we were holding the event, with a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach – and not because I had to dance on stage before hundreds of people dressed like a remnant from a bad eighties rock video. That actually didn’t bother me much at all.

  Every year the sisters of Gamma Pi split into teams and paired up with fraternities for a dance competition to raise money for The American Cancer Society. Our dances all had themes and costumes, so for the occasion, I was dressed in an 80’s rocker-chick outfit that included short leopard print shorts, black tights, a black halter top and teased, hair-sprayed hair. It was an awesomely ridiculous outfit that I was sort of enjoying wearing.

  And since I had about thirty minutes before I was scheduled to perform with five of my sisters and six members of Beta Kappa Phi, to Shot Through the Heart by Bon Jovi, which actually fit my mood nicely, Rachel and I decided to camp out at the bar and have some cocktails before I was needed backstage.

  She was plying me with beer to ease my nerves and help me gain some clarity on the Zack situation, which we were discussing for umpteenth time that week. Unfortunately, we didn’t seem to be making much headway, even with multiple beers fueling us. I did have a nice buzz going, though, so performing in front of a crowd wouldn’t be so bad.

  “Okay, starting now, I’m over him, and I’m done talking about him,” I said, finishing my beer and slamming the empty glass onto the bar as a way to punctuate my statement. The bartender shot me a look before going back to wiping down the counter in front of him.

  “Okay!” Rachel said, pumping her fist into the air. “I believe you!”

  “No, you don’t,” I grumbled, my resolve fading.

  “No, I don’t, but that’s because you don’t believe you,” she said, pulling my attention back to her.

  I shook my head and whimpered, as I dropped my head to the bar. “No, I don’t.”

  Rachel put her arm around me, rubbing my back. “It’ll okay, Em. It’ll just take time.”

  “It’s been three months,” I grumbled. “I should be over him by now! Why did I have to run into him? And while he was with his hot new girlfriend! I think that sucked the most.”

  “He’s a jerk. Focus on that,” Rachel advised.

  I pulled my head up. “Okay, for now at least.”

  I knew I could only pretend to see Zack as a jerk for so long before my other feelings for him crept up and took over. It completely sucked. Why couldn’t I just see him for the asshole he was? And not because he was dating someone else – he’d broken up with me, so I couldn’t fault him for dating. I could hate him for it, but I couldn’t fault him. What I could fault him for was being a lying assface. But maybe he had his reasons for not telling me about Lily.

  No, I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t rationalize this. The guy had a kid, and all summer he never once mentioned her. He was a jerk.

  “Yeah, for now you can pretend to hate him,” Rachel said, patting my shoulder and bringing me back to the present.

  I turned my head to look at her. She was being as supportive as she could be, knowing I wasn’t going to snap out of my crappy disposition very easily. It was like I’d taken three steps backward just by seeing Zack. All of my emotions were at the surface again, raw and exposed for everyone to see. I wanted to ignore them, but that feat was easier said than done.

  My phone buzzed at that
moment, and I looked down to see if it was my cue to head to the stage. Vincent, my Beta Kappa dance partner, was supposed to tell me when we were the next group up. It wasn’t him, though. It was Ben.

  Break a leg. I love you!

  I rolled my eyes, turning my phone over, so I couldn’t see the text.

  “Regretting the whole ‘getting back together with Ben’ fiasco?” Rachel asked.

  I shrugged, her non-supportive words not lost on me. “We’re not back together. We’re seeing other people,” I grumbled.

  “Do you want my advice?” she asked.

  “What?” I grumbled again.

  “You might want to actually see other people!”

  I glared at her.

  “What?!” she asked, taken aback. “Right now Ben thinks you’re exclusive because as much as you keep telling yourself you’re not, neither of you is seeing anyone else. He’s in love with you, so of course, he’s relishing in the fact that you aren’t dating other guys. He’s going to keep pushing you for more unless you show him that you’re serious. Besides, it might help you get over Zack if you make out with someone else.”

  I shot her a look letting her know I thought she was insane. Dating someone else would not solve my Zack problems, but it might help the Ben situation just a bit. Maybe she was onto something.

  “Emily, we’re up next.”

  I turned around to see Vincent standing in the doorway to the front bar, which we’d chosen since it was much less crowded. Most everyone was in the main area of the club watching the performances.

  “He’s cute,” Rachel muttered, taking in Vincent’s tall, lean frame, light brown hair and sexy smirk. “You should date him.”

  I laughed out loud. Vincent was a nice guy, but I’d never thought of him in that way. He was a sophomore, and we’d only met two weeks earlier. “Yeah, okay,” I said, as I hopped off my barstool.

  “Have fun,” Rachel said, as she put her hand on her heart in a dramatic, overly-exaggerated gesture. “Dance your heart out!”