Buried Castles

by Monica Alexander

  I rolled my eyes at her and did an exaggerated cheerleading move from high school that made her laugh.

  “You’re not leaving, are you?” I asked, knowing she was itching to get away from the Greeks.

  “I’ll be in the front row, baby,” she said, blowing me a kiss. “Now cheer up, get out there and raise some money to cure cancer.”

  “Alright. I’ll see you later, and the ‘getting so drunk we have to call a cab to take us home’ shall commence.”

  “Don’t forget to smile!” she called after me, imitating our cheerleading coach, Mrs. Cutler, from high school.

  As I walked toward Vincent, my buzz kicked in, and in a moment of drunken insanity, I threw caution to the wind, wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, just to see what would happen.

  “Whoo-hoo,” Rachel called out as my lips locked with Vincent’s and he realized what was happening and started kissing me back. I pushed my body flush against his and parted his lips with my tongue, feeling rebellious delight as his tongue met mine, and I tasted sweet mix of alcohol and cinnamon.

  “Whoo-hoo, Vincent! Show her how it’s done,” Rachel heckled from the bar.

  “What was that for?” Vincent asked when we parted, both of us a little flushed.

  “For good luck, baby,” I said, patting his cheek lightly with my hand a few times. Behind me I heard Rachel laughing and whooping at my brazen move.

  I turned around and blew her a kiss. “You want to be next, Rach?” I asked, making her laugh harder before she puckered up her lips, playing along.

  “Bring it on cutie,” she called back, grinning widely at me.

  “Are you guys being serious?” Vincent asked, and I could tell he wasn’t completely sure that we were joking. I ignored him.

  “Yeah right,” I said to Rachel with a wave of my hand. “Like I’d kiss those lips after they’ve been on my brother’s. Yuck.”

  “You should be so lucky to kiss these babies,” Rachel said. “Now get to that stage. I have to call my boyfriend and let him know someone’s been hitting on me. He’ll probably want to kick your ass.”

  “Pshh,” I said, waving her off. “I could take him. I know all of his weaknesses.”

  Rachel just laughed as she hopped off her stool and ducked outside.

  “Don’t talk too long. We’re on in five,” I called after her.

  Backstage the Beta Kappa’s had been throwing back shots. It seemed they had the same idea as me in numbing their senses. Hopefully Vincent wasn’t too drunk to keep up with the dance. I didn’t need him dropping me during the performance.

  “Em, there you are!” Cori Marks said, hands on her hips, as soon as I appeared.

  I ignored her and grabbed a shot out of Liam McCormick’s hand and threw it back. Cori stared at me wide-eyed for a few seconds before she shook off her annoyance and rallied us all together for a pre-show pep talk. Vincent came up behind me, and put his hands on my waist.

  “Okay guys, we go on in two minutes. Are we ready?!”

  Cori was a UNC cheerleader and never really turned off her pep. I half-expected her to do a herkie right there in the middle of the club.

  “Ready, boss,” Clay Warren said, stepping up and saluting her. She giggled. She had a huge crush on him.

  I wanted to bang my head against a nearby pole, but it was too far away.

  “Ten bucks says he nails that tonight,” Vincent whispered in my ear, which made me start laughing.

  “You’re on,” I said, knowing it would never happen. Cori would make Clay wait at least a month before taking that step.

  As soon as we got on stage, I searched the crowd for Rachel. She blew me a kiss when we made eye contact, and I smiled back. I found Ben standing with some of his football buddies on the opposite side of the room from where Rachel was, and I knew she was avoiding him. He smiled and gave me a giant thumbs up.

  My eyes continued scanning and came to a screeching halt when I saw Zack standing in the crowd a few rows back from the stage. My heart instantly started pounding in my chest, and I shook my head a few times, trying to make sure I wasn’t just seeing things, and simultaneously tried to get Rachel’s attention. She was about fifteen feet from him, but she wasn’t looking at me.

  My heart literally ached as I stared at him, standing there, a drink in his hand, his dark hair framing his face and his expression stoic, as he looked directly at me. Suddenly, the corners of his mouth curved up into the sweet smile I’d been privy to a hundred times over the summer, and I wanted to run off the stage, so I could talk to him.

  All negative thoughts I should have been feeling toward him completely flew out of my head, and I wanted nothing more than put my arms around him and ask him what he was doing at our Gamma Pi fundraiser. Had he come to see me? How had he known I would be there?

  My pulse beat rapidly. I wanted push his hair out of his face and put my hands on his cheeks and look into his brown eyes. I wanted to kiss him and tell him I loved him and hear him say it back. I was having trouble breathing, as looked at him, wishing for all the things I couldn’t do, that would never happen, because all of a sudden, Kristin walked up to him and pulled his attention away. I was instantaneously reminded that Zack had moved on and he didn’t feel the same way about me as I did about him.

  Kristin smiled at him, and he smiled at her, his arm slipping around her shoulders. I narrowed my gaze and glared at them.

  “Emily!” Cori yelled, tearing my gaze away from Zack and Kristin. I looked over at her. “Are you ready?”

  She looked urgent, and I wondered how many times she’d called my name before I’d actually heard it.

  “I’m ready,” I yelled back, and she grinned at me before nodding to someone off-stage to start the music.

  I have close to no recollection of dancing on stage that night as my mind was elsewhere, but somehow I got through the routine with no mistakes. When it was done, Vincent picked me up in a big hug and swung me around before we all ran off-stage where Cori huddled us together to sing our praises. I needed her to hurry up. I desperately wanted to see if Zack was still in the audience. What had he been doing there? It was a college event. He wasn’t a student. How the hell had he even found out about it?

  I’d made up my mind during the routine, as Zack had watched me intently, that faint smile never leaving his lips, that I needed to talk to him. I wanted some answers, and even if I didn’t like what he told me, at least I would know the truth.

  Why had he been smiling at me?

  As soon I could break away, I left the backstage area, my eyes darting to where he’d been, but I couldn’t find him. Had I imagined him there? No, I had definitely seen him. He’d been in the audience.

  Ben texted me that he was heading home. He always insisted on getting a good night’s sleep before a game, and they were playing at noon the next day, so he didn’t want to stay out too late. Rachel met me by the stage entrance, and I quickly filled her in on what I’d seen. She cursed herself for not seeing Zack when he’d been so close to where she was standing. I forced her to do a lap around the club with me, but it was too crowded to find Zack, if he was even still there.

  Having sobered up considerably, and in no mood to stick around, I talked Rachel into just going home. I was ready to clean off my rocker make-up, wash the hairspray out of my hair and watch a really depressing movie.

  Rachel continued to offer words of support as we got into my SUV, but they had little effect. When I looked forward to see if I could pull through the parking space in front of me, I noticed something stuck under my windshield. I sighed audibly, thinking it was probably a flier for a bar. If I didn’t get it, it would fly off while I was driving, and I would be a littering. I wasn’t a big fan of that, so I got out to retrieve it, cursing the person who’d put it there.

  It was then that I realized it was a CD case. It looked like the mixes that Rachel put together, but the only marking on the front of the case was a drawing of a crown in blue permanent marker. I opened
it up, and on the CD inside was written Emily’s Mix, inside what looked like a sandcastle, in the same blue marker.

  “What is that?” Rachel asked, leaning over to see what I was holding. She gasped. “Holy shit! Is that from Zack?”

  At the idea that the CD was actually a gift from Zack, I quickly pulled it out and jammed it into my CD player. There was nothing for a few seconds, but then as I drove out of the parking lot, the chords of a song started to play. Not just any song, but Use Somebody by Kings of Leon, played and sung acoustically by Zack. I slammed on my brakes and stopped the car in the middle of the lot, trying to catch my breath that was suddenly coming in short bursts.

  Zack had been there. I had seen him. He’d put the CD on my car. Oh, my God, oh, my God. What the hell was happening?

  “Holy shit,” Rachel muttered again, as she realized what the gesture might mean.

  I started driving again, pulling out onto the main road as Rachel reached out to click to the next track. I almost slapped her hand away, but then I heard the next song, and it made me gasp out loud. It was Zack again, singing an acoustic version of Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore, the song we’d talked about when we’d first met – my favorite song.

  Tears sprung to my eyes, and my hands started to shake, as I tried to focus on the road in front of me.

  “Pull over!” Rachel demanded, when she saw I was slowly losing my grip.

  I eased my car over to the shoulder and turned it off, leaving just the music playing, as the tears silently fell down my face. Rachel was silent as we both stared at the CD player. The song ended and the next one began. There were ten songs in all that we listened to in their entirety, as we sat on the side of the road in utter silence. They were all songs Zack had played for me over the summer, but what got to me the most was what he said right before the last song on the album.

  It was the only time he spoke on the CD, and his words were full of anguish. He said, “Sometimes we make a mistake, but what’s worse is the regret we feel once we realize how big our mistake actually was, especially when we realize it’s too late to take it back. Sometimes all we want is to say ‘I’m sorry’.” Then he launched into a rendition of Regret by Liar’s Edge, and I completely lost it.

  My shoulders shook as I listened to Zack’s clear, pure voice break out over the sound of his guitar, the tears falling silently so I could focus on hearing his words. The music ran through me, just like it had when he’d played it for me all those months ago, and my heart pounded as his words played over and over through my mind. What was he saying? Did he regret breaking up with me, or was this just his way of apologizing?

  He had a new girlfriend, after all, so it wasn’t like he was looking to get back together. Hell, he’d brought his new girlfriend with him tonight. What the hell kind of gesture was he trying to make? In a few short moments, I went from being overwhelmed to distraught to angry.

  “You have to call him,” Rachel said, as soon as the song was over.

  I reached over and thumped her on the back of the head. “Are you stupid?” I asked, realizing just how harsh I’d sounded.

  “Ow!” she said, reaching over and thumping me back. “Bitch.” She rubbed the back of her head.

  “Sorry,” I said, fanning myself with my hand. “Emotions are a little out of control at the moment. I’m not sure what the hell to feel.”

  She leaned away from me, so she was out of striking distance. “Why am I stupid?”

  “He has a girlfriend. I’m not calling him. Besides, I deleted his number back in September. You know that.”

  “No, I don’t know that. Why did you delete it?”

  “Uh, because I was pissed, and I didn’t want to be tempted to call him.”

  “That was stupid.”

  I sighed. “Yeah, I know, but really how was I ever supposed to know that he would end up living here, that I would see him again. What were the odds, really?”

  “Yeah, good point. Why don’t you talk to Jen?”

  I looked at her like she was insane. “Uh, no. I’m not involving Jen in this. What am I supposed to say, ‘I’m in love with your baby-daddy. Has he ever mentioned me, and if so, how does he feel?’ No, that doesn’t sound crazy at all.” I paused for a beat, shaking my head. “Shit, what am I thinking, Rach. He has a kid with her!”

  “A kid you adore, might I remind you.”

  “Yeah, but still. This is so messed up.”

  “Just talk to Jen. Ask her for his number.”

  I raised my eyebrow at her. “Why? So she can tell me he has a new girlfriend and to not waste my time. No thanks. Besides, I don’t even know if they get along. She’s his ex, and they have a baby together, but they’re not together. There’s something wrong with that picture.”

  “Not everyone ends up with the person they have kids with, Em. Don’t fault him for that.”

  I sighed. “Yeah, but really, the mystery of Lily and his relationship with Jen is just one more thing I don’t know about him, because he didn’t share it with me.”

  “Then maybe you should talk to him,” Rachel said slowly, intentionally. “Or Jen. She could answer your questions. He obviously had a good reason for not telling you about Lily. You should hear what it is first before you write him off. I’m just saying.”

  “Rachel, as much as I would love to know where Zack’s head was at this summer, I am not involving Jen. Pick a different plan.”

  “Okay, fine,” she said, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “Do you know what kind of car he drives?”

  “He drives a Harley. What does that have to do with anything?”

  “We could figure out where he lives. You know, look for his bike outside his house,” she said. “Then, all you have to do is knock on the door, punch that Kristin girl in the face and talk to him.” She spread her arms out as if presenting me with the perfect plan and smiled widely.

  “I like the idea of punching Kristin,” I said, imagining my fist connecting with Snowboarding Barbie’s perfect face. “But isn’t it a little stalkerish to drive around looking for his house?”

  She shrugged. “So what. We’ll take my car. No one will ever know it’s you.”

  “Okay,” I said, not thinking it was a good idea, but it wasn’t like I could sit at home and listen to his CD over and over again, which I knew I would do if I went home at that moment. And the last thing I wanted was to stew about Zack and what his cryptic words had meant.

  “Em, he took the time to record a CD for you, and it’s not like he just made an iTunes mix. Every song on that CD is him playing and singing. Do you know how much time that had to have taken him?”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head.

  “It took hours,” she said, matter-of-factly. “If he’s not into you, he’s got an extremely interesting way of showing you.”

  “Maybe he just feels guilty for dumping me on my ass without another word.”

  “Maybe so, but don’t you what to know so you can put all this behind you and move forward?”

  More than anything, I thought, simply wanting to be happy again. It had been too long.

  “Okay, let’s do it,” I said, spurred on by the fact that Zack might still have feelings for me, or at the very least, I’d get the closure I so desperately needed.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Zack

  “I don’t know what I was thinking,” I said, shaking my head as I slumped down on the couch.

  In the kitchen, Kristin was making me the only thing she knew how to cook; a cheese and refried bean quesadilla. Poor Leo would go hungry with her cooking skills, but at least she could make one thing really well.

  “You were thinking that you wanted to make a bold statement and surprise her,” Kristin said from the stove.

  “I was thinking I’m a fucking idiot,” I said, letting my head fall into my hands.

  I had followed Kristin to her former sorority’s fundraiser, because I literally had nothing better to do. Liar’s Edge had our first gig the
next night, and my pent up nervous energy had been eating me alive all day. Ever since seeing Emily the week before, I’d done nothing but think about her. Between that and the gig, I’d been in danger of losing it. I’d even made Emily that stupid CD, keeping it in my truck, hoping I might run into her at some point. I was pathetic, so I decided to go out with Kristin to see if I could get out of my head for a while.

  Then I find out that the sorority Kristin had been in when she’d been at Duke was the same sorority Emily is in at UNC. How do I know this, well, I walk into the club and see Emily dressed in a ridiculously sexy costume, kissing some guy dressed like Bon Jovi. I assume it’s her ex-boyfriend Ben, the guy she cheated on when she hooked up with me over the summer, who Jen said she was seeing again. But then I hear her friend Rachel call him Vincent, and I realize she’s making out with someone else, who’s not Ben, and I feel like punching the guy.

  So I duck out of the club and drag Kristin with me before anyone can see us. Then I decide I have to make a grand gesture. I know, I’m a fucking moron, and I’ve probably been watching too many reruns of Friends with Kristin, because I think this is a good idea. I decide to get as close to the stage as possible in an effort to make my presence known, and then wait after to talk to her.

  Not a good idea.

  Emily did not look happy to see me. She looked stunned, then she looked pissed, and I realized it was because I’d put my arm around Kristin to pull her over to where I was standing in the crowd. I realized too late that it probably looked to Emily like Kristin and I were actually a couple, and I was throwing Kristin in her face. So I dropped my arm and watched the whole performance, mesmerized by Emily up on stage. Then I saw the guy she’d been kissing before the show grab her and swing her around, and I saw how happy she was. So I decided to just put the CD on her car, and then I bolted.

  And now I’d like to accept the award for being the biggest, fucking pussy on the planet.

  “Well, now what do you want to do?” Kristin asked, as she transferred my quesadilla to a plate, added a liberal amount of salsa and sour cream and brought it over to me.