Buried Castles

by Monica Alexander

  “My boyfriend is the guitarist,” she said, gesturing to the stage.

  “Of The Claws?” I asked, wondering if I could fake enthusiasm. Their guitarist wasn’t very attractive.

  She grinned and shook her head. “Oh, no. I have much better taste than that. He’s in Liar’s Edge. He was the blond – Andrew.”

  “Oh he’s cute.”

  Although my eyes never left the lead singer, so I barely glanced at Andrew. I couldn’t tell you what he looked like if you paid me to.

  “Are you guys fans of Liar’s Edge, or did you just happen to get lucky and see them tonight,” Jen asked. “Not that I’m biased, but I guess I am a little. I am sleeping with the guitarist and my brother’s the drummer.”

  And your baby-daddy is the lead singer, but you don’t know that I know that.

  Yeah, I knew all of what she’d just told me, but I wasn’t going to admit it. Thankfully, Rachel and Chase were out of earshot. I didn’t need them piping in that they knew Derrick. That wasn’t something I was prepared to explain to Jen, especially since Chase would be guaranteed to make a snarky comment about the guy who he’d had to practically fight to keep him away from Rachel.

  “That’s so cool that your brother is in the band,” I said, feigning enthusiasm. “I actually do like them. Rach and I saw them perform a few years ago and have been fans ever since. We’re really excited that they got back together and we got to see them tonight.”

  “Do you want me to introduce you?” Jen asked then, throwing me off.

  She was being genuinely nice, but I couldn’t let her do that. I couldn’t let her take me backstage, because I wouldn’t be able to fake it when Zack, Leo and Derrick recognized me, and then I’d have to explain that I’d slept with Zack, who I now knew was Lily’s dad, and that would be really awkward. And frankly, Jen might be a little upset that I’d never told her, so it was probably best if she never found out.

  “Oh, um, that’s so sweet, Jen, but we’re okay. I really want to see The Claws.”

  Jen smiled, but I could see that maybe I’d offended her. There was something behind her smile that I couldn’t read.

  “Hey, so where’s Lily tonight?” I asked, changing the subject. “Is she in town with you?”

  “She’s with her grandparents.” Jen smiled and pulled her phone out of her pocket. I could see ‘Zack Easton’ lit up on the screen and the text, ‘Where R U?’ and my heart skipped a beat. Jen looked back up at me. “Sorry, I’ve got to go. It was good seeing you,” she said, as she hugged me again.

  As I was walking out of the bathroom a while later, I took a moment to check my phone, so I wasn’t paying attention to what was going on at the end of the hallway. When I looked up, I stopped short.

  Zack was leaning against the wall a few feet from me. Leo stood across from him, and Kristin was next to Leo. She was saying something that had Zack’s attention captivated. His gaze was locked on her with a sort of amused expression playing on his lips. I watched as she finished whatever story she was telling and then watched Leo and Zach burst out laughing.

  Leo was folded over, clutching his stomach. Zack just shook his head, but kept his sparkling eyes on her the whole time. My eyes went wide as I saw him reach across the hallway with his leg and kick her on the side of her leg in an affectionate way. She smiled widely at him and shrugged.

  I was so engrossed that it was too late to look away when Kristin saw me standing there staring. She stepped across the hallway and said something to Zack that caused him to stop laughing and look over at me, a serious expression suddenly clouding his face.

  “Dammit,” I cursed under my breath, my resolve for bravery fading. I hadn’t wanted him to see me ogling him and dissecting their little exchange. I needed to talk to him, but I hadn’t wanted his girlfriend to know that. Now I’d either have to pull him away from her or talk to him in front of her – which was not going to happen.

  “Emily,” Zack breathed out quickly, crossing the distance between us before I could run.

  “Hey, sorry, I didn’t mean to be staring. Great show. You guys were really good,” I said in a rush, my dignity pretty much shot to hell.

  I started to turn away from him, eager to get back to our table, my resolve for talking to him shattered, but he grabbed my arm, holding me back from leaving. I looked back at him, not liking the feeling in the pit of my stomach. He was getting to me. I glanced down at my arm that his fingers were still wrapped around and then up at him. The heat from his hand felt like it was searing into my flesh, and I simultaneously wanted to pull away and step closer. The conflicted look on my face made him drop my arm.

  “Don’t run off again. Please.”

  As soon as he said that, I turned to face him, stood up straighter and squared my shoulders, feeling a boost of confidence surge within me.

  “Seriously?” I asked, raising my eyebrows at him.

  He was breaking my heart and killing me at the same time, so of course, I walked the three steps that were separating us and stood in front of him, wishing I could just let him go already. Or wrap my arms around him and kiss him. I was, as always, incredibly conflicted over him.

  “Yeah,” he said, cracking the smile that always made me melt.

  Stay strong, stay strong, I chanted to myself even though I was starting to wilt.

  “I’m glad you’re here,” he said. “You ran off the last time, and we didn’t get to really talk.”

  “Oh, forgive me for doing exactly what you did this summer,” I snapped, knowing I sounded bitter, but I didn’t care. “Taking off without an explanation should be a gesture you recognize.”

  I watched him swallow hard. “That’s what I want to talk to you about,” he said. “Can we go somewhere? Away from this?” He gestured to the noise and commotion all around us.

  We were in a tiny hallway where the bathrooms were located, but the music from the band could still be heard and there were people milling all around. It was definitely not the place for a serious conversation, especially with his girlfriend in earshot.

  He looked back at Kristin and Leo. Kristin was watching us intently. I hated that she knew all about me, and probably knew exactly what Zack was going to talk to me about. Leo nodded once, probably giving Zack the indication that he’d hang out with Kristin if Zack wanted to talk to me.

  “Zack,” I said, realizing that it hurt just to say his name out loud. When he looked back at me expectantly after I’d said his name, I lost my resolve to turn him down. “I don’t know if I should.” It was a weak protestation, and he knew it.

  “Please,” he said in a pleading tone that he probably knew I couldn’t say no to.

  My stomach flipped over and I caved. I closed my eyes and nodded once, telling myself that talking to him was what I’d come here to do, and if I didn’t, I’d be pissed at myself for a long time. It might hurt in the moment, but getting closure was what I needed.

  “Thanks,” he said, and I thought I saw pity in his eyes. If he had pity for me, I didn’t want it.

  I nodded and took a deep breath, pushing myself not to show how I was truly feeling. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

  “Okay. Great,” he said, smiling at me. “I’ll meet you out front in five minutes. I just need to get my guitar.”

  I nodded and felt my knees go weak at his smile. I wasn’t sure how I made my way back to our table, but I did. I definitely wasn’t sticking around to see him kiss Kristin, ‘I dress like a rock star’s girlfriend because I am’. I didn’t need to be tortured like that.

  Back at our table, Molly was camped out in my vacated seat, chatting with Chase and Rachel.

  “Emily!” she said, standing to kiss me on the cheek when she saw me approach. “How are you?”

  “Hi Molly,” I said, trying to feign excitement. Ordinarily, I would have been thrilled to see my friend from the summer, but I couldn’t focus on anything but Zack in that moment.

  “Are you leaving?” Rachel asked expectantly, and I wondered if she
could read what was going on just by my expression.

  “Yeah,” I said gruffly. “Zack and I are going somewhere to talk.”

  “Good,” Rachel said, leaning back in her seat.

  “Finally,” Molly said. “You two need to talk.”

  “Yeah, I guess,” I said, not wanting to linger much longer at the table. My nerves were eating me alive.

  “Good luck,” Rachel said, and she smiled in encouragement. I wished I could bring her with me, so I wouldn’t feel so freaked out.

  “Thanks. Molly,” I said, turning to her and remembering my manners, “it was really good seeing you. Call me so we can catch up, okay?”

  “Absolutely,” she said, grinning wickedly at me, like she had a secret. “Talk soon.”

  Five minutes later, I was standing out front wondering if I was a complete and total fool. I checked my phone. Three missed calls – all from Ben, no surprise there. I shoved my phone back into my pocket and focused on what was happening. I lit a cigarette while I waited, taking comfort in the calm that started to wash over me, as I inhaled a few drags and wrapped my jacket around me. It was freezing, but my nerves were making me colder. I was about to be in an enclosed space with a guy I used to sleep with, who I still had very strong feelings for, who also had a new girlfriend. I sort of wanted to vomit.

  A black F150 pulled up in front of the club and the window rolled down. Zack leaned over and said, “Come on, get in. It’s freezing.”

  “No motorcycle?” I called back.

  “Nah, it’s too cold,” he said, a smirk appearing on his lips, and I wondered what he was thinking about.

  Taking a deep breath, I tossed my cigarette on the ground and stubbed it out with my boot. I hesitantly took a step forward, and before I knew it, I was in Zack’s truck zooming away from the safety of the club. I was instantly overwhelmed by my proximity to him, but more than that, his scent filled the cab of the truck and invaded my nostrils. I tried not to breathe it in, not to give in to the intoxicatingly sexy smell, but I couldn’t do it. In the end, I just gave in and relished in the scent I’d wanted to recreate so many times over the past few months.

  We were silent the whole car ride. It was strange to believe that someone who I’d told my deepest and darkest secrets to, who I’d never shut up around before, was intimidating me so much that I couldn’t speak. Although, he wasn’t saying much either. I couldn’t tell if he was nervous or not. His expression seemed placid and relaxed, and it sort of pissed me off since my stomach was churning with nerves.

  Zack drove to the coffee shop where we’d first met and parked out front. I instantly felt like an idiot. As I got out of his truck, my glance flashed to the backseat to something I hadn’t noticed when I’d gotten in – a baby seat. Thankfully Zack didn’t know I’d seen it, and I remained silent about it as we walked inside, wrestling with the feelings that were suddenly warring inside of me.

  “Go get a seat,” he said. “I’ll get you a drink.”

  I nodded, thinking that he had no idea what I would want, but it didn’t really matter. I probably wouldn’t be able to taste it anyway.

  I looked around the café, trying to locate the best place to sit. I opted for a small table by the front entrance, thinking I could bolt quickly, if needed. I settled into the seat and glanced back at Zack, wishing I hadn’t done that. Looking at him still conjured up the same feelings it had over the summer. I was disappointed to realize that my feelings hadn’t changed one iota. I still loved him.

  I forced myself to look away, glancing out the window at the trees that were newly decorated with twinkle lights for the holidays.

  “When did you start smoking?” Zack asked, setting my coffee down and startling me.

  “A few months ago, but um, I – I uh, I only do it once and a while when I drink,” I stuttered, realizing that I couldn’t tell him the truth.

  He raised his eyebrows at me, almost giving me a look that said he didn’t approve.

  “What?” I asked, thinking he was quite the hypocrite. “You smoke.” I raised my eyebrows at him, almost challenging him.

  “I don’t really smoke anymore,” he said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms in front of his chest.

  “Uh, okay, then what’s that?” I asked, pointing to the brown cigarette behind his left ear.

  A smile quirked on his face. “Precautionary measure,” he said. “I quit about a month ago. My mom always hated it, so I figured I’d finally quit, but I’m not always as strong as I’d like to be. Old habits die hard.”

  I watched a dark shadow cross his face as he mentioned his mom and could tell how hard it was for him to do that.

  “So, how are you?” he asked, changing the subject and taking a sip of his coffee.

  I wasn’t sure what to say. I was a little wound up to say the least. Emotions from both ends of the spectrum were running through me. On one hand, I wanted to scream at him, hit him and tell him that he’d hurt me like no one else ever had, so much so that I felt incomplete, still, months later. I wanted to tell him I hated him, that he was a liar, and I was over him and he could fuck off, but then I would see the dark shadows on his face and realize what he went through and how it still affected him. And all I’d want to do was forgive him, hug him, and tell him everything would be okay in time.

  “I’m great,” I lied, only because I didn’t want him to know how much his presence alone was affecting me. He had to think I was over him. “Things are going really well for me. I’ve never been better.”

  Lies, pure lies.

  “That’s good. I’m glad to hear it,” he said genuinely, and he seemed relieved, as if he’d been harboring a fear that I hadn’t gotten over what he’d done to me which just made me feel that much shittier.

  “I’m so sorry about your mom,” I blurted out because I didn’t want to talk about me anymore, and I was afraid of him asking too many questions.

  He nodded. “Thanks.”

  I folded my hands around my coffee cup, gripping it tightly, as I stared across the space between us. Out of a need for something to do, I took a sip of my drink, surprised to find it was a vanilla latte – the same drink I’d ordered the first time we’d met. He remembered.

  “I liked the song,” I said then, since he wasn’t offering up any conversational gems. “The one about her.”

  He gave me a puzzled look, then it was as if he understood. “Without You.”

  “That’s the name of it?”

  He nodded.

  “It was really pretty.”

  “Thanks. I started writing again a few weeks after she passed. I had kind of a tough time, and my aunts wanted me to see a therapist, but that’s never really been my thing. It was just easier to put what I was feeling on paper. Without You was what I was feeling, so it’s what I wrote.”

  “That’s cool,” I said, thinking I sounded anything but cool.

  I wanted to take his hand and tell him that the song was amazing and he was an incredible songwriter and that I couldn’t wait to hear more of what he’d written, but I couldn’t do it. I was afraid to open myself up to him like that again. Regardless of the feelings I had, he’d burned me pretty bad, and I wasn’t sure I could put myself in a situation where I was vulnerable around him again.

  “So how’s school,” he asked, sealing the deal that we were having the single most awkward conversation we’d ever had. Could we get more generic with our questions? Would he comment on the weather next?

  I shrugged. “It’s okay. I’m starting to think about what I’m going to do after graduation.”

  “What are you considering?”

  “Entertainment PR. I’m thinking about moving to L.A.”

  I really wasn’t, but I suddenly felt the need to make a bold statement, and that’s what came out of my mouth. Cassie had been talking about L.A. the day before, so it was fresh on my mind, but I hadn’t considered it as a viable option. Now maybe it was. At least in L.A. I’d be clear across the country from Zack Easto
n, and maybe then I could finally get over him.

  Taryn was trying to convince me to move to Tampa with her. That’s where she was from and where she was going back to after graduation. I was considering it since it would be something new and a little closer to home. There was also the prospect of New York. Rachel still hoped I would move with her. It seemed like all of my friends knew where they were going after graduation. I was the only one who still didn’t have a clue.

  Zack smiled widely. “That’s great to hear, Em. L.A. is an awesome town.”

  Hearing him use my nickname bit into my heart, but at least he didn’t call me princess. But I knew he wouldn’t. It was too personal, and we weren’t at that stage anymore. Too much had come between us.

  “Yeah, I know. I’m excited about the next step. Ready to be in the real world. How about you?”

  He shrugged. “I’m going to do the music thing – see what happens with that.”

  Finally something substantial to talk about.

  “So tell me about the band,” I said. “When did that happen?”

  Zack leaned back in his chair and smiled, and a warm feeling washed over me. He always could take me down with just that grin.

  “Leo,” he said simply, as if that spoke volumes. “He sort of forced my hand, but it was what I needed. My mom told me not to give up on my music, so here I am.”

  “She would be happy you’re doing what you love,” I said, knowing it was true.

  “Yeah, I know. That’s ultimately why I agreed. Before she died, she gave me some pretty strong motherly advice, so I took it.”

  There was a lull in the conversation at that point which never used to happen to us, ever. We didn’t have lulls. It made me realize how much things had changed in three months.

  “So thanks for the CD,” I said, bringing up one of the elephants in the room.

  I wondered if he’d bring up the others. This talk was not as productive as I’d hoped it would be. It seemed I was going to have to bring up the tough subjects if I wanted any sort of resolution.