Buried Castles

by Monica Alexander

  He just nodded. “You’re welcome.”

  I bit my lip, wishing he’d said more, like why he made it, why he left it and what his damn message at the end had meant.

  “I saw you in the audience at the Gamma Pi fundraiser,” I said when he didn’t expand on his acknowledgement of my thanks. “What were you doing there?”

  He smiled and took a sip of his drink. I wasn’t sure what he’d ordered, but my eyes fell to the side of his to-go cup where the barista had scrawled ‘Zack’. My eyes fixated on his name while I waited for his response.

  “Kristin, who you met,” he said, “was a Gamma Pi at Duke, so she wanted to show her support. I went with her.”

  Why? Because she’s your girlfriend? Because you wanted to see me? Did you know I would be there?

  So many questions I didn’t have the courage to ask.

  I fought the urge to narrow my eyes at the thought of his girlfriend and the smile on his face as he spoke of her, but it was hard to do with my eyes now resting on his kissable full lips that I’d had full range to just a few months earlier. Now Kristin got to kiss him, and I was stuck with an ache in my chest that wouldn’t seem to go away.

  No, I didn’t want that. He’d hurt me. End of story. I just needed closure.

  “Why didn’t you stick around? Say hello?” I asked, dragging my gaze to his light brown eyes, which didn’t make me feel much better. It seemed no matter where I looked, I was assaulted by all the things about him that I’d fallen for at first sight.

  Zack laughed a short, non-humorous laugh. “Ah, well, I was going to, but then I saw you kiss your boyfriend before you performed, and then he was hugging you afterward, so I figured I’d better not intrude. It was just easier to leave the CD on your car and call it a night.”

  Huh?

  I hadn’t kissed anyone before the show. Oh yeah. I’d kissed Vincent. Right. He saw that?!

  “Vincent’s not my boyfriend,” I said quickly, then wished I hadn’t.

  “Oh, you mentioned you had a boyfriend, so I assumed it was him. Sorry.”

  Zack looked flushed, and I was a caught liar.

  “I was just messing around with Vincent,” I said in a bad attempt to recover. “But I am sort of seeing Ben again. I guess I’m sort of seeing a few people right now.”

  Sure, I could pretend that was true.

  I half-expected him to make a snarky comment like, ‘Any interest in adding one more guy to the mix?’, but I knew he wouldn’t. The Zack I’d first met, the one who’d shamelessly flirted with me and quirked cocky smiles at me would have, but this guy wouldn’t. The Zack sitting across from me had broken my heart. We had too much history, and he had a girlfriend. There wouldn’t be any not-so-innocent flirting between us.

  “Oh, so you’re back with Ben,” he said, and I could tell he was trying to keep his tone level. He was affected by that news, and I didn’t know how to take his reaction.

  “Yeah,” I said, not giving him anything else to go off of.

  Chew on that, Zack, I thought, my inner bitch rearing her ugly head. You’re not the only one who moved on.

  “So Kristin seems nice,” I said then, suddenly desperate to put us on level playing field. He knew my dating story. I should know his.

  “She’s pretty great,” he said, stomping right on my heart. “She’s been so amazing over the past few months. I don’t know what I would have done without her.”

  My heart literally cracked. I swallowed hard, knowing I didn’t want to hear anything about her or how amazing she was, and Zack should have known that.

  “How long have you been together?” I asked, and it took everything in me to keep my voice steady as I said those words.

  Why was I torturing myself? I should have changed the subject, but a part of me needed to know how long he’d waited after dumping me to get together with her. I knew if he hadn’t waited long, closure would come easier for me. It would make me see just how insignificant I’d really been to him.

  Zack gave me a confused look. “What?”

  “You and Kristin.”

  “Me and Kristin, what?”

  “How long have been together?”

  His head cocked in a mix confusion and understanding. “Oh, you really did think that,” he muttered, and I wasn’t sure if he was actually speaking to me.

  “Yeah, it was pretty obvious,” I muttered back, not sure if I was supposed to answer him or not.

  “We’re not together,” he said quickly, as if my assumption had been way off-base. “She’s Leo’s girlfriend – has been for about four years now. It’s just, she lost her mother to cancer about five years ago, so she knows what I’m going through.”

  My heart started pounding at these words, ramming against the wall of my chest. Kristin wasn’t his girlfriend. He was single. He wasn’t in love with someone else. But before I could say anything, he changed the subject on me again.

  “So, can I tell you something?”

  I nodded, holding my breath as I waited. Zack seemed nervous all of a sudden, tapping his middle finger rapidly against the tabletop. He stopped suddenly and pulled his phone from his pocket. He touched the screen a few times before he looked back up at me and taking a deep breath.

  “I’m not quite sure how to tell you this, but here,” he said, pushing his phone across the table.

  I picked it up and looked down at a picture of the little girl I knew so well and her father who I knew even better – or so I’d thought. Next to each other, they looked so much alike. It seemed crazy that I’d never guessed before, but honestly, how could I have known? Zack hadn’t bothered to tell me he had a daughter, so I never would have thought to make the connection.

  I looked back up at him but didn’t say anything. And neither did he for a few moments. We just stared at each other, expressions unreadable as we each dared the other to speak first.

  “She’s mine,” Zack finally said, the breath leaving his chest in a whoosh of air. I could see how nervous he was in that moment.

  “I know,” I said calmly, handing his phone back to him. I’d wondered if he would tell me about Lily, and now that he had, I wasn’t sure I could get past the fact that he hadn’t told me before when it mattered.

  “You do?” he asked, surprised.

  “Yeah,” I said, leaning back in my chair and taking a sip of my drink. “There’s a picture of you and her on Jen’s desk, and a few weeks ago, Jen mentioned your name when she was telling me how Lily had taken to calling you Zack instead of Daddy. I put the puzzle pieces together.”

  I was surprised at how bitter, yet calm, my voice sounded, and I realized just how angry at him I was for withholding this information from me.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

  That was it. That was all he said, as if it was supposed to make up for the fact that I’d bared my soul to him but he never bothered to share something so important with me. No. Scratch that. He hadn’t bothered to share two important things with me, and I was pretty sure had Rachel not called him out about Liar’s Edge, he never would have told me about that either. The bottom line was, Zack Easton had never truly wanted to let me into his life. He’d just wanted a fuck-buddy for the summer. And that was enough to change my mind about him for good.

  “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it,” I said as nonchalantly as I could, waving my hand in dismissal.

  My insides were burning, and I had a sudden desire to reach across the table and smack him across the face, but I didn’t think doing that would succeed in inflicting the kind of pain I was feeling in that moment. It was like my chest had been opened up, my heart had fallen to the floor and he had stepped on it with his black combat boot.

  “I think I want to go,” I said, standing and slipping on my jacket.

  Zack looked dumbstruck for a few seconds, but he recovered quickly. “Okay,” he said, as he stood up and followed me out the door.

  We got into his truck in silence, and neither of us said anything. We were quiet
during the five minute drive to my parents’ house, except when I had to tell him where to turn.

  Zack pulled into the driveway but didn’t turn off the engine. He knew I was upset, and I could tell he had no delusions of being invited inside.

  “Thanks for the coffee,” I said, suddenly anxious to get out of his presence. “It was good seeing you again.”

  There was absolutely no joy in my tone, and I knew he could read what I was thinking, but he didn’t stop me.

  He knew I was pissed, and yet all he said was, “You too.”

  “Okay, well, take care, I guess, or whatever,” I said, getting out of the car, wishing I could scream at the top of my lungs.

  “You too,” he said again, smiling slightly, which only made me want to punch him as hard as I could.

  Instead I just narrowed my eyes and slammed the passenger door shut, wordlessly sending him one final message.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Zack

  “She hates me,” I announced when I walked into the game room at my dad’s house. “It’s over. I’m done. I’m going to bed.”

  My dad’s wife, Sierra, who was a bit of a drama queen in emotional situations, looked up in shock. “Oh no!” she said, her hand flying to her mouth. “What happened?”

  She was sitting with Jen on the leather couch while my dad played pool with Andrew. I wasn’t sure where Derrick was but assumed he’d gone out with some of the girls he’d met at the show, as was his usual MO. No matter, I wasn’t in the mood for company. My plan was to make my announcement and go straight to bed. I really wanted a drink, but I’d been sober for two months, and I wasn’t going to change that now.

  Jen shook her head at Sierra. She knew me well enough to know that I wasn’t about to sit on the couch with them and open up about my feelings. I watched Sierra make a face at my dad that said, ‘Do something’, but my dad just shrugged. He was even less of a feelings guy than me.

  “Sorry, man,” Andrew said, leaning on his pool stick. He looked back at Jen who was eying me sympathetically.

  I realized then that all four of them were just watching me, looks of pity written all over their faces. They knew I’d gone out on a limb that night, dedicating Emily’s favorite song to her, but in the end it hadn’t been enough, and now they felt bad for me.

  Well, fuck that. I didn’t need their pity. Emily was just a girl. She didn’t want me. Big deal. I’d get over her.

  Without saying a word, I turned and left the room, heading down to the second floor of my dad’s monstrosity of a house. Why he and Sierra needed all that room was beyond me.

  Before ducking into the guest room I was staying in, I paused outside Lily’s room. We didn’t make it to my dad’s house all that often, but since he had nine gazillion bedrooms, he’d given one to her. Sierra had happily decorated it with lady bugs and white furniture. I had a feeling she’d been hoping my dad would agree to have another child, and sort of had an ‘if you build it they will come’ mentality, but so far he hadn’t caved. He hadn’t been a great father to begin with, so I was pretty sure he wasn’t all that excited about reliving the experience.

  I slowly opened the door and could see through the faint glow of the pink nightlight that Lily was awake. She was sitting up in her crib, talking nonsense to her favorite white teddy bear. It made me smile.

  No matter how shitty I was feeling, Lily could always make it better. It was why I’d stopped by to see her. Therapy by twenty-one month old.

  “Daddy!” she said, as soon as she saw me.

  “Lily, what are you doing up? You should be sleeping,” I said, crossing my arms in front of me authoritatively, like I imagined myself doing in fifteen years when I’d catch her sneaking in after curfew which she’d undoubtedly do. She was my daughter, after all, and I’d been a rule breaker when I was a teenager.

  “No sleep,” she said, grinning at me, and I just shook my head. Yeah, she was my daughter alright.

  “Come here,” I said, pulling her out of her crib. I settled into the pink striped armchair Sierra had put in the corner, rested my feet on the ottoman and set Lily on my lap. “Do you want me to tell you a bedtime story, baby girl? Maybe then you’ll go back to sleep?”

  “Thtory,” she said, nodding vigorously before she stuck her thumb in her mouth.

  We’d taken her pacifier away, so she’d resorted to using her thumb. I didn’t love it, but she looked cute when she did it, so I didn’t stop her. I’d get her braces when she was older if the thumb-sucking caused any permanent damage.

  “Okay, let me think,” I said before launching into the only story I could think of in that moment – the one about a beautiful princess named Emily who no longer wanted me to be her prince.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Emily

  “You’re completely depressed. Why are you even going?” Rachel asked from where she sat on my bed, painting her fingernails navy blue.

  I was sweeping my mascara wand over my lashes a few more times until they felt sufficiently coated. I turned to face her. “Because I am a glutton for punishment.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Stop being dramatic. You got to wallow over Zack for months. You don’t get to do it again, because quite honestly, I think you could have had him. From what you said, he was interested in you, and you’re the one who changed her mind.”

  “You have no way of knowing that. Besides, he’s a liar. Because of that, I can’t be with him, even if he did want me, and it makes me sad. I’m wallowing.”

  “So why are you going to Winter Formal?”

  “Because Toby asked me, and he’s kind of cute in a Joaquin Phoenix kind of way, and I need to get back out there and date.”

  “Ben asked you,” Rachel reminded me, “and you told him you weren’t going.”

  I shook my head in frustration. Ben had been attempting to suffocate me ever since we’d gotten home from Thanksgiving two weeks earlier. I’d seen him a few times, but I was trying to put some distance between us. He’d asked me to my own formal, which seemed a little odd, and I’d told him I wasn’t going. Then yesterday when we were in the library, Toby Zyler, a ZBT who I was partnered with in my PR Strategies class asked me if I was going to formal.

  I think he was just making conversation, but I’d told him no, and then I think I probably got a little teary-eyed because the next thing I knew he was hugging me, and I was blubbering about getting my heart broken, and I think he thought I meant because of Ben, so he offered to take me to formal, and I’d agreed. I then realized that Toby had a bit of a crush on me, because he got really excited, and I couldn’t bring myself to back out, so yeah, now I was going to my formal with a shy, but sweet, wavy-haired boy from class.

  “You could come with us to the Liar’s Edge show,” Rachel said, and I just glared at her.

  “Not happening.”

  Liar’s Edge was playing at Devil’s Hangout, and Rachel was going with Cassie. It was the show I’d originally planned to go to, and a part of me knew I was going to formal so I wouldn’t be tempted to end up at the bar, but I just couldn’t see Zack again.

  “Well, you look–”

  “Don’t say I look like a princess,” I warned, holding my finger up to stop her. In years past I would have welcomed the compliment, but now it just felt wrong.

  “I wouldn’t dream of it,” Rachel said, as she got up from my bed. She kissed me on the cheek as she walked past me and grinned. “I was going to say you look beautiful, hot and sexy. I hope Toby helps you get over Zack.”

  “Me too,” I said, knowing it wasn’t going to happen.

  ***

  “Ben, what are you doing here?” I asked, cornering him by the bar.

  His back was to me, and he hadn’t seen me yet. I’d been taking a picture with Taryn, Carrie, Brittany and our dates and had noticed him walk into the ballroom. Now he was at the bar ordering a beer. I swear if he came to my formal to try to convince me to be his girlfriend, I was going to lose it. But what was strange is
, he didn’t know I would be there.

  Ben spun around as if he’d been shocked. “Emily,” he said, and I could hear the panic in his voice. He suddenly got all darty-eyed, as if he was afraid someone would see us talking, but then his eyes narrowed, and he glared at me.

  “You lied to me,” he simply said.

  I swallowed hard. “No, I didn’t. When you asked if I was going to formal, I wasn’t, and then Toby asked me, and I decided to go.”

  “Whatever,” Ben said, taking a sip the beer the bartender had handed him. “I’m sick of this anyway.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m sick of you lying to me,” he said, shaking his head.

  “Ben, I said I was sorry, but I told you I didn’t want to be exclusive. You knew that. You shouldn’t have just expected I would bring you to my formal. What are you doing here anyway?”

  “You really can’t have any less respect for me, can you?” he asked, throwing me off guard and dodging my question.

  “What? No, Ben, that doesn’t have anything to do with it.”

  “I know you went out to see some band while we were home over Thanksgiving – the night you cancelled our plans and told me you had to stay with Rachel because she and Chase were fighting, and then you were with Chase and Rachel at Static, and they seemed to be getting along great. Then you left with some guy in a black F150. Eric saw you. You lied to me when you cancelled our plans, and that was a shitty thing to do, especially because you did it so you could hang out with another guy. I don’t care how much you don’t want to be exclusive, I deserve more from you. I would think our history alone would dictate that, but I guess not.”

  I looked up at him knowing there was no way out of this situation. “I sorry. I know. I suck.”

  “Why?” he asked, his voice hard. “What did I do to deserve this from you?”

  “I’m sorry,” I said again, knowing that it wouldn’t help. “I’m sorry Ben. You didn’t deserve any of this, please know that.”