Diversions

by Leanne Davis

  “You have a message, why don’t you go listen to it?” The tone was silky, cold, quiet, and low. Something huge had shifted between them.

  She stood rooted to the spot. He knew. Somehow he knew. But how? She pushed play on her machine, knowing somehow that this was the doom of them. She heard a cheerful woman’s voice play. She had gone to the doctor last week; the message was for her follow up appointment.

  Her shoulders hunched forward. She dropped her chin down onto her chest. She couldn’t face him. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this. None of this was supposed to be happening. She took a deep breath, turned, and looked at Jason. He sat there, silent and smoking. And yet her gut knew this was the calm before the storm.

  “Jason—”

  “Were you even going to tell me?” He ground out the cigarette in a very expensive bowl she had sitting next to the chair he was in.

  “Tell you? Of course I was going to tell you.”

  “How long have you known?”

  “For sure? A week.”

  “So you were what? Waiting to tell me until it was too late to do anything about it?”

  She jerked her neck back, stunned; she hadn’t expected that particular accusation. “No. You know me better than that.”

  “No, I don’t know anything about you other than you lie.” Suddenly he was up and stepping closer to her.

  “Jason, listen to me before you—”

  “Before I what? What am I supposed to do? Did you plan this all along? Or just recently?”

  “Stop it. That isn’t what happened and you know it. I—”

  “You told me to trust you. Remember that? Those big doe eyes, saying ‘Trust me, I’m on birth control’,” he said, mimicking her. “Guess it’s my fault for going against my gut and doing just that: trusting you.”

  Her shoulders slumped as the anger in his voice increased the more he spoke to her.

  “I did not lie to you.” She enunciated slowly, as if talking to someone hard of hearing. “I did not trick you. I was on birth control just like I told you. Have been for several years.”

  “Then how did this happen?”

  She closed her eyes and whispered, “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know?” He repeated his tone incredulous.

  “No, I don’t know. I guess this is what they mean by an accident. You know somewhere inside of you that I wouldn’t do this to you, or to myself, on purpose.”

  “An accident? You don’t think I’m stupid enough to believe that, do you?”

  She straightened her shoulders. Damn him. He had no right to try and intimidate her. “Don’t yell at me for something that’s happening to me too.”

  “Happening to you too? I’m the one now tied to you for the rest of my life.”

  She grabbed on to the back of a chair to support her suddenly shaking legs. She shook her head as her shoulders slumped in defeat. “Don’t do this.” She enunciated slowly again.

  “Do you realize what you’ve done? I never wanted a kid. I was never going to be like Terry.”

  “Would you listen to yourself? I did not trap you. I—”

  He cut her off. “Don’t you dare have it.”

  She started to tremble with rage or misery, she didn’t know which. Tears stung her eyelids and she had to blink them back. She looked up at him; every hope, every illusion, and every good thought and feeling she had for Jason seemed to crumble before her. She’d thought, she’d believed he’d come through on some level. Or that he’d at least talk it out with her. But not so. Not Jason.

  “You didn’t have to do this.”

  She paused as she met his stony mean face. She looked at his dark hair, falling in tousled waves, on his forehead like he’d been running his hands through it. She studied the face that she had loved in all its moods, the face she had pinned her heart on. But this face in front of her right now, this mean, snarling man, she didn’t know.

  “Before you started spitting out accusations, you should have made sure of one thing,” she said softly.

  “What’s that?”

  “If this baby is even yours.”

  The words seemed to have a ripple effect, his eyes widening, then his brow wrinkling, and then his jaw opening enough to loosen the menacing scowl.

  “What?”

  “For once you forgot, huh? How often I wished you could look at me and not see Trent. And now you finally have? Now, of all times, you forget?”

  “It’s Trent’s?”

  She shut her eyes and turned her face away from him. “I don’t know. I don’t know whose it is. I didn’t tell you when I first figured it out because I wanted to see how far along I was. And as luck would have it, I’m far enough that I don’t know who the father is,” she said, as tears burned down her cheeks.

  Suddenly her emotions, both hot and cold, big and encompassing, gave way to a feeling of clinical detachment as she told her current boyfriend her baby was quite possibly his brother’s. What could make a girl feel better?

  His mouth still hadn’t fully closed.

  “How do you not know?”

  How did she not know? Was he for real? He’d been there. He knew she had been engaged to his brother. Didn’t he know she was obviously sleeping with Trent then?

  “Because the timing is too close.”

  “Jesus! When did you last sleep with Trent? Last week?” he snarled.

  She was tired. So tired of this fight. Of loving Jason when it had been wrong from the start, and now it seemed she was paying for her mistake, fully and forever.

  “No, obviously.”

  “The engagement party?” he asked. His voice almost normal as he seemed to realize the significance of her statement. He’d never asked her the last time she’d been with Trent. In fact, they had avoided most conversation or reference to Trent and sex.

  She met his eyes, her gaze flat. “No. Since then, since I have lived here.”

  He was silent. His jaw moved back and forth. He dropped his hands to his side. “The night I saw him coming out of here?”

  “Yes,” she said all traces of emotion gone. “I was lonely and confused and thought maybe I’d made a mistake, with all the changes I’d made.”

  “So you tested it by screwing Trent?”

  She flinched. “I guess, if you have to say it that way. Yes.”

  “You told me you’d ceased the wedding plans.”

  “We had. That night was a mistake. I just never dreamed this would happen.”

  “And we slept together a little more than a week after that.”

  “Yes.”

  His head jerked back. “My God, you really don’t know, do you?”

  “No. So you see, I wasn’t trying to trap you, I wasn’t trying to get pregnant. I just did. And you know what else? It isn’t even all about you.”

  “Real nice. My brother? You have my brother and me squaring off for the paternity of your bastard? Another me. Wonderful.”

  “Don’t. Don’t even do it. You damned well knew I was with Trent, engaged, and going to marry the man until I met you. Don’t you think I already feel all those things you want to call me? How good do you think I feel at this moment in my life? I’m the one who’s pregnant. Don’t stand there and tell me anymore about how you feel. How shocked and hurt and whatever the hell else nasty thing you can think of to accuse me of. For once, this isn’t all about you. But you couldn’t even give me that, could you? Get out. You’ve been wanting to do that since you first met me. So do it. Get out and walk away like you want to, like you always do.”

  She walked past him to her bedroom, slammed the door and locked it behind her. She leaned against the door and let the tears fall freely as she crumbled to the floor. She heard nothing for a long moment. Then he stomped across the living room and slammed the door shut. She was left in silence, all alone and pregnant.

  She felt awful. Sick to her stomach and sick at heart. The names Jason had called her and the things he had accused her of reeled through her mi
nd. She couldn’t even guess at the future; there were too many unknowns, too much that could go wrong and too much responsibility. Her life two weeks ago had been happy, fun, and fulfilling, and she’d been head over heels in love and convinced Jason was falling for her too.

  Her life had taken a complete three-sixty and she didn’t think she would ever turn back. And Jason had walked out on her, physically and emotionally. Because she’d let him down. He had expected her to make up for every wrong everyone else he’d loved had done to him.

  And she’d just failed him.

  She took a deep breath and slowly expelled it. Jason never had any intention of letting things turn out any differently for them. Maybe this had just given him the excuse he needed.

  Whatever; none of it helped her now.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Jason sat in the driver’s seat of his truck feeling numb. He didn’t move. His hands felt like they’d turned into two useless chunks of rock. Thoughts overwhelmed him.

  Christine. Pregnant. Trent.

  How could this be happening? Whose baby was it? How had he gotten himself into a situation where he was in a standoff with his own brother over the paternity of the same baby?

  He slammed a fist into the steering wheel. He had said things, things that could never be unsaid. In his gut he knew that. He was disgusted with himself. Yet he didn’t get out of his truck, go back up, and beg her for forgiveness. He didn’t even go up and take back what he said. He did nothing.

  This was his nightmare. It had tapped into things from his past, as well as the mess his own parents had made having him. He had vowed to never bring a kid into the world to be put through the kind of rejection he had. Because he would make no kind of father.

  But then again, it might not be his kid.

  The shock went beyond just the existence of a baby. What were the chances, that Christine would get pregnant the first time she slept with him? Or the last time she slept with Trent? Why not before then?

  He hadn’t yet been able to come to terms with the kind of relationship she’d had with Trent. Trent. The closest thing he had to an enemy. How could Christine expect him to accept this? To do anything? Stick around as she quite possibly carried his brother’s kid?

  She claimed to have fallen in love with him. But how could she know so soon? She’d literally turned from one man to the next. If she loved Trent, then how could she so swiftly turn from Trent to him? But if she hadn’t loved him, and she’d been wrong…couldn’t she be wrong that she loved Jason?

  But she sure as shit had felt something about Trent. Enough to convince herself she wanted to marry him. He had never been sure that Christine really loved him. Not when she’d changed her whole life around in a matter of months. He’d known all along that at some point, the luster of her new life and of his place in it would wear off. Sooner or later, he knew she would finally face reality.

  But he hadn’t counted on that reality being his or his brother’s baby.

  He didn’t know what he hoped for when the paternity test was done. There was no question in his mind it had to be done. He had to know. What he’d do with that outcome he couldn’t guess.

  He could be the father of a child he didn’t want, or taste the bitterness of Trent having one with Christine. Which was worse?

  ****

  Christine drove home puzzled. Not sad or shaken or upset, but puzzled.

  Trent had to be told about her pregnancy and paternity doubts. She’d waited a few days to recoup and calm down after Jason had walked out on her. Then she’d steeled her resolve and met with Trent.

  The scene had played through her mind too many times to count. He’d been glad. Glad!

  She, his ex-fiancée, who had more than done wrong by him, had shown up out of nowhere, pregnant, and he’d been glad. He’d not even questioned the paternity. He’d not asked about Jason. She’d had to wait for his exuberance to wind down to tell him about Jason. She’d told him she didn’t know yet who the father was. He’d been kind and hugged her and told her they would get through this and he’d be there for her. No matter what. Even if it was Jason’s baby and she just needed a friend. She could take all the time she needed to adjust. It came down to the fact that Trent was way too okay with the fact she didn’t know the paternity of her baby.

  How could Trent want this? How could anyone be so okay with such life-altering news and the humiliating circumstances surrounding it? And considering the contrast between the two brothers’ reactions, well, how could she ever have chosen Jason?

  But then again, what kind of man didn’t care that he’d been dumped for his brother?

  She didn’t know what to think, other than she was exhausted.

  She had taken off from work early and met with Trent. Now she was thankfully almost home. She swung her car into the parking lot. She’d known, of course, the garage would still be open and busy. Sure enough, it was. And there he was.

  Her heart dropped. She didn’t want to see Jason.

  He was leaning back against the cinder block building between two of the garage stalls. He had a backwards baseball cap on. He was talking to two other guys who were dressed in blue coveralls like him. He was talking while waving around a lit cigarette between two fingers.

  He looked foreign to her. He never wore hats. He looked rough and harsh and nothing like her Jason.

  Then he noticed her car. His expression closed up. His only movement then was that irritating habit of taking long pulls off his cigarette. He didn’t go inside. Nor did he move off the wall. He just stood there and stared at her, his expression cold.

  She met his eyes for a fraction of a second. Then she put her car into park and fumbled around clumsily getting her keys into her purse. She let her hair swing over her face and block him from her view.

  She got out, slammed her door, and started for the stairs, only to pause when one of the guys yelled hello to her. They all knew her and saw her frequently, though she had no idea if they knew she’d been dating Jason. He’d not exactly publicized the fact he had a girlfriend. If he ever, in fact, called her that. She waved back.

  Then she missed a step as she momentarily glanced at the men, and in her flustered haste her foot slid off the metal step. Luckily nothing more happened than an undignified wobble, her grabbing at the railing, and losing her grip on her purse. It went down onto the stair, spilling its contents. Quickly she bent down to retrieve it and scooped everything back in. She got up without a glance towards Jason. She ran up the stairs and slammed the door of her apartment as tears began to fall. And she knew it was far beyond a little embarrassment that made her cry.

  After seeing Jason that afternoon, and the way he had so coldly ignored her, she knew she had to get out of the apartment. As quickly as she had decided to move into the apartment, she now knew she had to get out of it. She couldn’t face any more chance meetings or glimpses. Just knowing he was right there working was too much pressure.

  She had to tell her parents. She needed help. She needed money. She needed to go home.

  Her parents knew nothing, absolutely nothing, about Jason. What would they say? How angry and disappointed would they be with her? But she also knew that, unlike Jason, no matter how mad they were, they’d help her.

  ****

  “Mind if I join you?” Bill asked as he seated himself on a bar stool next to Jason. Jason looked up. How the hell had Bill found him? It was mid-day and he was sitting in a local tavern, trying pretty hard to get drunk. His eyes felt gritty and dry. His mouth tasted stale. His clothes were wrinkled. He looked and felt like shit.

  “Yeah, I do. Just leave me alone.” He stared into his half-filled beer.

  “Sorry, kid, can’t do that. Why aren’t you at work?”

  “I don’t feel like it.”

  Bill raised a hand to the bartender to signal he wanted a beer. “Why don’t you feel like it, son?”

  “I’m not your son and you’re technically not my God damned boss, so leave me alone,” Jaso
n said, his voice low and gruff.

  “Well, I am the majority owner of that place, so for now I am your God damned boss and I want to know what the hell’s going on with you.” Bill’s eyebrows shot up as he waited for a response.

  Jason didn’t answer.

  “She dump you?” Bill finally asked.

  “No.” He grunted. “I wish. She’s pregnant.”

  “Well, shit,” Bill said, suddenly flopping his hand onto the bar. “I’ll be God damned. I’m surprised you let that happen, you being you and all.”

  “I didn’t,” Jason said through clenched teeth. “She lied to me about taking her birth control.”

  “Are you sure about that? Did she tell you that?”

  “No, of course she didn’t admit to it. She claims she did nothing wrong and that it was some kind of freak thing.”

  Bill took a deep breath. “So...”

  “I happened to hear her fucking doctor calling to confirm her prenatal appointment,” Jason answered, grimacing as he said “prenatal.”

  “And how did you inform her you knew?”

  “I waited for her to get home.” He took out a pack of cigarettes and lit up, despite the No Smoking sign hanging ten feet from his head. He was already back to smoking like he’d never quit.

  “Please tell me you gave her a chance to explain,” Bill said as Jason took a long drag and a sip of beer.

  Jason kept his gaze down. He shifted on the stool.

  “Ah shit, Jason, you just attacked her, didn’t you?”

  “Yeah. Why the fuck should I care how I confronted her about it? She lied to me and has trapped me for the rest of my life.”

  “What did you say to her?”

  “I told her to get rid of it.” Jason finally raised his head to meet Bill’s concerned gaze. He kept his expression as blank as he wanted his heart to feel.

  Bill’s jaw tightened. He shook his head. “You’re a real piece of work sometimes, you know that?”

  Jason was a half foot taller than Bill. Bill was pudgy and out of shape. But somehow Bill always managed to look the bigger man.