Pet Humor!

by Oliver Gaspirtz

  Pet Humor!

  Oliver Gaspirtz

  Westhoff Publishing

  Copyright © 2014 by Oliver Gaspirtz.

  All rights reserved.

  www.gaspirtz.com

  2nd Edition, May 2014

  Published by Westhoff Publishing.

  www.westhoff.us

  ISBN-13: 978-0692230985

  ISBN-10: 069223098X

  The 1st edition was originally published under the title

  A Treasury of Pet Humor by Lincoln-Herndon Press in 1999.

  TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR DOG DOESN'T LIKE YOUR HUSBAND

  1. Your dog keeps running away, but you always know where to find him: In front of your ex-boyfriend's door.

  2. He brings your husband his slippers, and he brings you the car keys.

  3. He eats a load full of grass in the backyard, comes back in the house, and waits by your husband's shoes.

  4. When he eats his dog food, he gags every time your husband walks past him.

  5. After your wedding, your dog played dead for a week.

  6. You notice that all the other dogs in the neighborhood keep giving your husband dirty looks.

  7. When he's supposed to bring your husband the paper, the only part he brings him is the "apartments for rent" section.

  8. When your husband walks your dog, your dog tries to drag him to another neighborhood.

  9. When you come home, your dog comes running over to greet you. When your husband comes home, the dog sits down and scrapes his butt along the carpet.

  10. Your husband's cat has been missing for days.

  A man follows a woman out of a movie theater. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says: "I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right scenes, he moved around in his seat impatiently during the boring scenes, but most of all, he laughed like crazy during the funny scenes. Don't you find that unusual?"

  "Yes," she replied. "I find that very unusual. He hated the book."

  When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the man: "Who died?"

  "My mother in law," the man replied.

  "How?" Joe asked.

  "The dog bit her."

  "Can I borrow the dog?"

  "Get in line."

  A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man says: "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

  The bartender rolls his eyes and replies: "Yeah, sure... go ahead."

  So the man asks the dog: "What covers a house?"

  And the dog answers: "Roof!"

  "How was your day today?" the man asks.

  "Rough!" the dog replies.

  Finally the man asks: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

  Doggy answers: "Ruth!"

  The man smiles at the bartender and says: "See? I told you my dog can talk. Now pay up!"

  The bartender throws both of them out the door.

  Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says: "Gehrig?"

  A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a telegram form and wrote: "Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof."

  The clerk says: "There's only 9 words here. You can send one more for the same price."

  The dog replies: "Yeah, but that would be silly."

  Gidget was the name of the Taco Bell dog.

  Bingo was the name of the dog on the side of the Cracker Jack box.

  The Wizard of Oz's Toto was played by a female Cairn Terrier named Terry.

  Rin Tin Tin was the first canine Hollywood star and signed all his 22 movie contracts with a paw print.

  Rosie, the poodle of a wealthy old Jewish widow had died. The heartbroken lady went to her Rabbi and asked: "Rebbe, Rosie is dead. She has been my faithful companion and only friend ever since my Schlomo passed away 9 years ago. Could you please offer a prayer for her?"

  The Rabbi replied: "No, I am very sorry, but we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue. But not far from here there's a new temple that opened. I heard they're quite liberal over there. Maybe they can hold services for your poodle."

  "Thank you. I'll go talk to them now," the old lady said."Do you think $10,000 will be enough to donate to the service?"

  Quickly the Rabbi replied: "So why didn't you tell me Rosie was orthodox?"

  John was excited to finally meet his girlfriend Donna's parents. Of course he was pretty nervous, and by the time John arrived at the doorstep, he was in a state of gastric distress.

  The problem developed into acute flatulence, and halfway through dinner John just couldn't hold it in anymore, so a tiny little fart escaped.

  "Rex!" Betty's mother yelled at the dog lying near John's feet. Since the dog was getting the blame, John let out another, slightly bigger fart.

  "Rex!" the mother called out sternly.

  I've got it made, John thought to himself. He figured one more and he'd feel better. So he let loose a big thundering one.

  "REX!" shrieked the woman. "Get away from that man before he poops on you!"

  An American Animal Hospital Association poll found that 33% of dog owners admit to talking to their dogs on the phone and leaving answering machine messages for them while away.

  70% of people sign their pet's name on greeting and holiday cards.

  58% put pets in family and holiday portraits.

  A man with a Doberman pinscher and his friend, who owns a Chihuahua, are going for a walk. After a while they get hungry and the man with the Doberman says to his friend: "Let's grab a bite to eat in that restaurant over there."

  The man with the Chihuahua replies: "I don't think they'll let us in with our dogs."

  "Don't worry about it," the guy with the Doberman says. He puts on a pair of dark glasses and hands another pair to his friend. Then he tries to walk into the restaurant, but the doorman says: "Sorry, no pets allowed."

  The man with the Doberman says: "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

  "A Doberman?" the doorman asks.

  "Yes," the man replied. "They're using them now. They're quick learners. I wouldn't know what to do without Rufus."

  The doorman nods understandlingly and lets the man and his dog pass.

  A few minutes later the man with the Chihuahua walks over to the restaurant. Again the doorman says: "Sorry, no pets allowed."

  The man replies: "But I'm blind. This is my seeing-eye dog."

  "A Chihuahua?" the doorman wonders.

  The man looks surprised and says: "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

  Chihuahuas were first known as the Arizona dog or the Texas dog, because they were first found in those states bordering Mexico.

  A Chihuahua has never won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. In their over 100 years of competitions, not once has a Chihuahua won the Best in Show award.

  In the documentary "Cane Toads – The Conquest" a film maker examines how dogs in Australia lick poisonous cane toads to get high. Some become so addicted they even need interventions.

  TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR VETERINARIAN LIKES YOUR DOG A LITTLE TOO MUCH

  1. He relocates his office to be closer to your home.

  2. The vet leaves messages for your dog on your answering machine.

  3. He throws a surprise party on your dog's birthday.

  4. When you had to have your dog spayed, the vet had to seek therapy.

  5. On overnight stays, your vet sleeps in the cage with your dog.

  6. After having your dog groomed, you notice that the vet has the same haircut.

  7. When you come to pick up your dog, the vet tells his receptionist to distract you, so that he can have some time alone with your dog, to say good bye.

  8. He keeps trying to s
witch your dog with one that looks just like yours.

  9. He offers to trade you his three kids for your dog.

  10. The vet's wife calls you and asks you to tell your dog to leave her husband alone.

  Foxes are members of the dog family. They are the only type of dog capable of retracting their claws like cats do.

  A female fox is called a "vixen." A male fox is called a "dog fox" or a "tod" and baby foxes are called “pups," "kits" or "cubs." A group of foxes is called a "skulk" or a "leash."

  Ann woke up one morning and discovered her dog Fluffy was not moving. She brought Fluffy to the vet. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

  "Are you sure?" Ann asked with tears in her eyes. "Isn't there anything else you can do for Fluffy?"

  The vet replied: "Well, there is one more thing we could try."

  He disappeared in the back room for a second and came back carrying a cat in his arms. He put the cat on the table next to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe, jumped off the table and ran back into the other room.

  "Well, that confirms it," the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

  "How much do I owe you?" Ann sighed.

  "That'll be $250," the vet replied. "$50 for the office visit and $200 for the cat scan."

  A girl was walking down a road near a pond when a toad called: "If you kiss me, I will turn into a handsome prince!"

  The girl picked up the toad, smiled at it, and placed it into her backpack.

  A few minutes later the toad said: "Look, lady, if you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for a week."

  The girl took the toad out of her backpack, smiled at it, and then put it back into the bag.

  The toad was starting to get restless now: "If you kiss me, and turn me back, I will do anything you want. Anything!"

  Again the girl took the toad out, smiled, and put it back.

  Now the toad had had enough: "What is wrong with you? I told you I'm a handsome prince! I will stay with you forever and do anything you want!"

  She replied: "Look, I'm a med student. I don't have time for a boyfriend. But a talking toad is cool!"

  On average, humans are more afraid of spiders than death.

  The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

  Cats almost never meow at other cats. Only at humans.

  A cat's brain is more similar to a human brain than to a dog's brain.

  A cat's kidneys are so efficient, they can drink salt water.

  TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HAMSTER DOESN'T GET ENOUGH ATTENTION

  1. He keeps waving and tapping on the glass every time you walk by his cage.

  2. He started weaving little baskets out of the woodchip bedding.

  3. He made little sculptures out of the seeds in his cage.

  4. He took up gardening and planted sunflower seeds in the corner of his cage.

  5. He has a tiny little imaginary hamster friend.

  6. You notice that some of your stuffed animals are missing, and you find them in your hamster's cage.

  7. You could swear his squeaking sounds like the tune to "I'm so lonesome, I could cry."

  8.You try to figure out how he manages to keep getting away, and you find a tiny book in his cage: "The Count of Monte Cristo."

  9. He has mold growing on him.

  10. You find a tiny little suicide note in his cage.

  STUPID QUESTIONS

  Q: Why is Stevie Wonder's right leg yellow?

  A: Because his dog is blind, too.

  Q: Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

  A: Where ever you left it.

  Q: What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white?

  A: A penguin rolling down a hill.

  Q: What's six feet long and hangs from trees in Africa?

  A: Elephant snot.

  Q: Why do ostriches have such long legs?

  A: So their feet will touch the ground.

  Q: What do you call a five-day-old dog in Switzerland?

  A: A puppy.

  Q: What does a snail do on a turtle's back?

  A: "Vroooom... vrooooooom... vroooooooom!"

  Q: How do you know if there's an elephant under the bed?"

  A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

  Q: Why did the cat cross the road?

  A: Chicken's day off.

  Q: Why did the fish get turned down by the army?

  A: He failed his herring test.

  Q: What do you get when you cross a centipede and a parrot?

  A: A walkie-talkie.

  Peregrine falcons can reach speeds of up to 200 miles per hour when diving for prey.

  When danger threatens, a turkey vulture defends itself by puking up its last meal. This is a very gross and very effective defense strategy.

  WISE WORDS

  "No matter how little money and how few possessions you own, having a pet makes you rich."

  -Louis Sabin

  "The greatest love is a mother's. Then a dog's. Then a sweetheart's."

  -Polish Proverb

  "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."

  -Robert Benchley

  "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dog's spend their lives."

  -Sue Murphy

  "Every dog has his day – but the nights are reserved for the cats."

  -Unknown

  "One cat just leads to another."

  -Ernest Hemingway

  "The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer."

  -Paula Poundstone

  "People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."

  -Faith Resnick

  "In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats."

  -English Proverb

  Roy was a gas station attendant. One day he was filling up another car, when he spotted three penguins sitting on the backseat of the car. Baffled, Roy asks the driver: "What's up with those penguins?"

  The man in the car replied: "I found them by the side of the road. But honestly, I have no idea what to do with them."

  Roy wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but after a few minutes of hard thinking he came up with a pretty good idea: "You should take them to the zoo."

  "Great idea," the man said and drove away.

  The next day the man with the car was back at Roy's gas station. And the penguins were still in the back of the car!

  "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

  "Oh I did," said the driver. "And we had a great time! Today I'm taking them to the beach."

  On her way to work a lady saw a beautiful parrot at a pet store. While she admired him, the parrot said: "Hey lady, you're really ugly."

  Upset at the rude bird, the lady went to work. After work she passed the same pet store and saw the bird again. Again the parrot squawked: "Hey lady, you're really ugly."

  Mad at the bird she rushed home. The next day she passed the pet store again, and the bird yelled again: "Hey lady, you're really ugly!" The lady was furious and stormed into the store and demanded to the see the owner. She threatened to sue the store and kill the bird if he didn't stop harassing her. The store owner apologized and promised the bird would not say it again. When the lady walked past the store again later that night, the parrot squawked: "Hey lady..."

  She paused and said: "Yes?"

  And the bird said: "You know."

  TOP TEN WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU ARE A "CRAZY CAT LADY"

  1. Your colleagues no longer ask how your weekend was. Instead they ask how your cats are doing.

  2. People at work have stopped offering you their lint brushes. They realize it's hopeless anyway.

  3.There's not a single human being in your Facebook pictures.

  4. You have more cats than the local pet store and there are several kitty litter b
oxes in every room of your apartment.

  5. Your personal motto is: "You can never have enough cats."

  6. You buy more than 60 pounds of cat litter per month.

  7. You'd rather watch hours of boring infomercials than disturb the cat sleeping on your remote.

  8. You choose your friends based on how well your cats like them.

  9. The only time you leave your apartment is to feed the stray cats in your neighborhood.

  10. You introduce your cats by name to the pizza delivery guy.

  A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

  A cat's jaws cannot move sideways.

  Most female cats are right-pawed, while most male cats are left-pawed.

  PET TRIVIA

  In 1888, 300,000 mummies of cats were found at Beni Hassan, Egypt. They were sold at about $18 per ton and shipped to England, where the mummified pets were ground up and used as fertilizer.

  A bird requires more food in proportion to its size than a baby or a cat.