Pet Humor!

by Oliver Gaspirtz

  Goldfish lose their color if they are kept in dim light or are placed in a body of running water, such as a stream.

  Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about 10.

  Every year, $1.5 billion is spent on pet food. This is four times the amount spent on baby food.

  An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.

  German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dogs.

  All pet hamsters are descended from a single female wild golden hamster found with a litter of 12 young in Syria in 1930.

  A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.

  A rat can last longer without water than a camel can.

  Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and continue to live.

  According to the BBC, the oldest parrot on record is a Blue and Gold Macaw named Charlie. Charlie is reported to have been owned by Winston Churchill, and is believed to be 104 years of age.

  There are over 350 species of parrots in the world.

  BUSTER AND I COME TO TERMS

  I lived in a duplex where the front doors of each apartment faced each other. My neighbors had just bought an adorable little kitten. He had beautiful long hair and was all white except for two black patches on his head and tail. Unfortunately my neighbors didn't treat him very well, and the wife bathed him every single day because she didn't like his long hair.

  Well, my neighbors had told me that they were moving and wouldn't be able to take the kitten with them. I offered to take him. When I came home one day, I saw my neighbor shoving this cute little three-month-old kitten out the door with his foot. When I opened my door, the kitten ran into my condo and straight into my daughter's bedroom. I have no idea what the husband did to him, but to this day he doesn't like men. He cowers from them until he gets to know them a little better.

  My daughter was out of town, visiting family. So I decided to close her door and leave the kitten in there until he got used to the house. Over the next week I tried and tried to make friends with this cat. Every time I tried to feed him or pet him, he'd swing his claws and hiss. Then he'd quickly run and hide under the bed. It was so frustrating.

  Five days later I had enough. I tried to pet him one last time, and when he swung his claws at me again, I told him I was not going to share my house with an unfriendly cat and that when I got back from grocery shopping, he was outta here!

  When I came back from shopping, I gave him one last good bye meal: moist food and a treat. When I called out for him, he came running out from under the bed and wrapped himself around my ankle like I was his best friend in the world. He even purred up a storm. I guess he decided to accept my terms. He has been my best friend for over nine years now.

  The average city dog lives 3 years longer than a country dog.

  According to Greek literature, when Odysseus arrived home after an absence of 20 years, disguised as a beggar, the only one to recognize him was his old dog Argos, who wagged his tail at his master and then died.

  STUPID QUESTIONS

  Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

  A: If they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

  Q: What do you call 14 bunnies walking backwards?

  A: A receding hairline.

  Q: Why do birds fly south?

  A: Because it's too far to walk.

  Q: What is a cat's favorite song?

  A: Three Blind Mice

  Q: Why do humming birds hum?

  A: Because they don't know the words.

  Q: What kind of dog tells time?

  A: A watch dog.

  Q: What time is it when a hippo sits on a chair?

  A: Time to get a new chair.

  Q: What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp, squoosh?

  A: An octopus with one shoe off.

  Q: Why do spiders spin webs?

  A: Because they can't knit.

  Q: What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

  A: An elephant's shadow.

  Q: What pet can jump higher than a house?

  A: All of them. A house can't jump.

  In the 1970s, Gary Dahl invented the pet rock. He sold over five million of them. He imported the rocks from Mexico, packaged them in a cardboard box that looked like a pet carrier, and included a 32-page manual with tips and tricks on how to train your new pet to "sit," "stay," and "attack."

  TOP TEN THINGS TO DO DURING PET APPRECIATION WEEK

  1. Lick your dog's face.

  2. Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.

  3. Mark your territory by peeing on the couch.

  4. Bring your cat a dead bird.

  5. Make a real effort to learn to purr.

  6. Spend a day with your head stuck in a bird cage.

  7. Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.

  8. Sniff your neighbor's butt.

  9. Bite the mailman.

  10. Eat supper on the floor.

  Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?

  A: A pitbull.

  Q: What has four legs and an arm?

  A: A happy pitbull.

  Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

  A: Lipstick.

  Queen Alexandra's Birdwings of Papua New Guinea are the largest butterflies in the world with a wingspan of 12 inches.

  Butterflies cannot fly if their body temperature is less than 86 degrees.

  Some moths never eat anything as adults because they don't have mouths. They must live on the energy they stored as caterpillars.

  A priest went to buy a parrot.

  "Are you sure it doesn't swear?" asked the priest.

  "Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the store owner assured him. "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord's prayer. And when you pull on the left, he recites the 23rd psalm."

  "Wonderful!" said the priest. "But what happens if you pull both strings?"

  "I'll fall off my friggin' perch, you idiot!" screeched the parrot.

  A robber broke into the house of a family just after they had left to go to church. He was rummaging through their upstairs rooms when he heard a voice saying: "Jesus is watching you!"

  Fearing the family might have come home early, he snuck downstairs. When he didn't see anyone, he continued looking for valuables. Plundering the silver cabinet, he heard the voice again. This time from right behind him: "Jesus is watching you."

  He threw his arms in the air and turned around with his heart pounding. But there was no one there... except for a little green parrot in a bird cage.

  Relieved, the robber chuckled and said: "Hey birdie! Let me guess, your name is Jesus."

  "Bwak... No," said the bird. "My name is Moses."

  "Moses?!?" the robber wondered. "What kind of weirdos name their bird Moses?"

  "Bwak... The same weirdos that named their pitbull Jesus."

  PET TRIVIA

  Which was the only domestic animal not mentioned in the bible? The cat.

  Did you know that no two spider webs are ever the same?

  Why do owls turn their heads in that strange manner?

  They can't move their eyes, because their eyeballs are not round like ours, but tubular.

  Did you know that pet parrots can eat virtually any common human food, except for chocolate and avocados? Those are highly toxic to a parrot and can be fatal.

  Which animals can get sunburns like humans? Pigs, walruses, and light-colored horses.

  Rats are omnivorous. They do not only eat almost any type of food, but even dead and dying members of their own species.

  When was the ASPCA formed? In 1866.

  Did you know there are about 2,600 different species of frogs? They live on every continent, except Antarctica.

  The Bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in an American court.

  Which is the only bird that can fly backwards?

&nbs
p; The Hummingbird.

  A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and can't find a mate.

  Which was the largest animal ever seen alive?

  A female blue whale. She was 113.5 feet long and weighed about 170 tons.

  At birth, a panda is smaller than a mouse and weighs about four ounces.

  A flamingo can only eat when its head is upside-down.

  The bones of a pigeon weigh less than its feathers.

  HASSO THE AMAZING CAT CATCHER

  They say cats and dogs don't get along. Well, Hasso proved them wrong! Hasso was the sweetest and gentlest German Shepherd I have ever seen.

  A couple of years ago we had a cat named Susie. She gave birth to a little of 7 kittens. When the kittens got into trouble, Susie would grab them by the neck and carry them back into her basket. Hasso watched and learned.

  As the kittens grew up, Hasso watched over them like a daddy. And if he'd catch them scratch the side of the couch or sneak into a room they weren't allowed in, he'd gently grab them by the neck and carried them back to their basket.

  And the most amazing part was that our cats let him do it! They weren't afraid of him and they never got mad. They'd just hold still until he let go of them. He actually got so good at it that we could tell him: "Go, get kitty!" And he'd run and bring us the nearest cat.

  A teacher and her son were walking down the road.

  Suddenly she said: "Look, Johnny, that's a puddle of H2O."

  "No," replied Johnny. "That's a puddle of K9P."

  "What's wrong with your husband?" the psychiatrist asked.

  "He thinks he's a chicken," answered the woman.

  "How long has he been acting like a chicken?"

  "Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs."

  Famous fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld announced that he'd like to marry his cat Choupette. And in 2010, Uwe Mitzscherlich, a German postal worker, married his terminally ill cat Cecilia after living together for 10 years.

  A guy was stranded on a lonely island with only a pitbull and a pig for company. There was plenty of food and fresh water, so he was doing alright for a few months. But eventually the loneliness got to him... if you know what I mean.

  The pig started to look more and more attractive: soft, pink skin, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy tried to make an advance towards the pig, the pitbull growled at him. Once he almost got bit. The guy was getting very frustrated.

  One day a life raft washed ashore. In it was a beautiful unconscious woman. The guy carried her back to his hut and nursed her back to health. After a few days the woman regained her strength and said: "Thank you so much for saving my life! I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything you want!"

  The guy thought for a moment and said: "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

  For good luck, some circus performers keep an elephant tail hair in their pocket. Performers never eat peanuts backstage. It's believed to be very bad luck.

  It's harder to get into the Ringling Brothers clown school than Harvard law school.

  Two bats were sitting in a cave. Suddenly one flew out into the night and yelled: "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!"

  He returned about three hours later, with blood dripping from his fangs and mouth.

  "Where'd you get the blood from?" asked the other bat.

  "Well, you go out the cave... And you see the first tree on the left?"

  "Yes," the other bat replied.

  "Well, I didn't."

  Ben and Jake, two college students, bought a parrot from a pet shop. The parrot was highly intelligent, but all he ever did was swear. He had an amazing vocabulary. He could swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. At first the two room mates thought it was the coolest bird ever, but after days and nights of constant verbal abuse and obscenities, even the students couldn't take it anymore.

  "Dude, we're gonna have to teach that bird a lesson," Ben said. He grabbed the parrot by the neck and stuck it in the refrigerator. "That'll cool him off a bit!"

  For the first few seconds all hell seemed to break loose. The bird kicked and clawed and thrashed. Then suddenly everything was very quiet.

  The two students started to worry that the bird might be hurt, so Jake opened the fridge. The parrot calmly climbed onto Jake's outstretched arm and said in a very polite manner: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

  Ben and Jake were totally amazed. They couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the parrot.

  After a few minutes, the parrot asked: "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

  A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out. The next day he wrote his uncle: "I chased them through my neighbor's yard, but only got back eleven."

  The uncle wrote back: "You did all right. I only sent six."

  TOP TEN SIGNS YOU SPOIL YOUR DOG

  1. You think begging for table scraps is beneath him, so you let your dog eat at the table with you.

  2. You take him to the supermarket and let him pick out his own food.

  3. Your husband comes home from work, looks at the stew on the stove and asks: "Is this people food or dog food?"

  4. You bought matching His & Hers place mats for your dog and yourself.

  5. At dinner parties you always have to double-check the butter for visible lick marks, before putting it on the table.

  6. Your dog gets to vote on where to spend the next family vacation

  7. You don't care if you or your spouse are comfortable at night, as long as Fido has enough room on the bed.

  8. You complain about the rising costs of groceries, but you don't think twice about spending a fortune on doggie treats.

  9. Your dog always gets the best spot on the couch and sometimes he even gets to hold the remote.

  10. He has his own email address.

  ABOUT DOGS

  "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."

  -Gene Hill

  "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."

  -Ben Williams

  "The average dog is a nicer person that the average person."

  -Andrew A. Rooney

  "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."

  -Josh Billings

  "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."

  -Ann Landers

  "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."

  -Dereke Bruce

  "Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."

  -Unknown

  "Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."

  -Unknown

  "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."

  -Unknown

  "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

  -Groucho Marx

  "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

  -Rita Rudner

  "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man."

  -Mark Twain

  "I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."

  -Penny Ward Moser

  MORE STUPID QUESTIONS

  Q: What do you get when you cross a fly with an elephant?

  A: A zipper that never forgets.

  Q: Where does virgin wool come from?

  A: Ugly sheep.

  Q: How do you tell when a moth farts?

  A: It flies in a straight line.

  Q: What would you get if Batman and Robin were run over by a herd of stampeding elep
hants?

  A: Flatman and Ribbon.

  Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?

  A: A headbanger.

  Q: Why can't Smokey the Bear's wife get pregnant?

  A: Every time she gets hot, he beats her out with a shovel.

  Q: What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

  A: Glass flippers.

  Q: What is green and pecks on trees?

  A: Woody Wood Pickle.

  Q: How do you catch a runaway dog?

  A: Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone.

  Q: Why is an elephant gray, large and wrinkled?

  A: Because if it were small, round, and white, it would be an Aspirin.

  Q: What did the cat who has no money say?

  A: I'm paw.

  Q: What do you get if you cross an alley cat with a Chinese cat?

  A: A Peking Tom.

  Q: What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?

  A: She had mittens.

  TOP TEN REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A DOG