Jumping Puddles

by Rachael Brownell

  We’re so engrossed in conversation, I don’t hear anyone sneak up behind me. I almost jump out of my skin when Brenden wraps his arms around me from behind. My high-pitched screech causes everyone to laugh, including me once I realize whose arms they are.

  My brothers make the hour drive to my house feel like five minutes as they tell stories non-stop. Georgie tells us more about Bethany, and Brenden teases him relentlessly. I give Brenden less than a year before he finds a girl he’s smitten with. Georgie won’t forget this moment, either, so he’ll tease Brenden when it happens.

  For the first time in a long time, smiling feels effortless. I was worried things would be tense when they arrived, afraid everyone would inundate me with questions I wasn’t prepared to answer. The fact that things feel normal as if nothing has changed is a huge sigh of relief.

  After everyone gets settled, I give them all the grand tour, explaining all the changes I made. I’m proud of the home I’ve built for myself here. More than anything, I’m excited to share it with my family.

  Alice and I spend the rest of the night in the kitchen, getting prepared for dinner tomorrow. I’ve taught myself how to cook over the years, but I’ve never prepared a dinner as extravagant as Thanksgiving by myself. I’m grateful for her help and expertise. This also gives us time together—just the two of us. I miss those days. It almost makes me want to take her shopping. Almost. I’m still not a huge fan.

  “So,” Alice begins. The way she says that one little word makes me take notice. She’s hesitant in starting the conversation, and I’m nervous about why. “Have you talked to Blake lately?”

  And I have my answer. “Not since Scott called me for him.”

  “That’s been months, Charlotte!”

  “I know. I’ve been a little busy,” I say, motioning around me with my flour-covered hands. Sprinkles of flour fall on the counter and floor near me, spreading the mess we’ve made a little more.

  “Since when are you too busy to talk to your best friend?”

  Since I’m scared to call him. That’s what I want to say, but instead, I just shrug my shoulders and go back to rolling out the pie crust.

  “You don’t have to listen to me, but I think you should call him. The last time I saw him he looked depressed.”

  “I’m sure he’s fine, but if it makes you feel better, I’ll call him while you’re here.”

  “It’s not about me, Charlotte. It’s about you and him.”

  I nod, knowing she’s right and attempting to end the conversation on that note. It is, it’s about us. It’s about our friendship and our feelings. I should call him, at least to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. I’m sure he’ll be at his mom’s for the holiday. As long as Scott lets me use his cell phone, I’ll call him tomorrow after dinner. Just to say hi. Just to make sure he’s okay. That’s all.

  TWENTY YEARS. I’VE spent the last twenty years without them in my life. It doesn’t seem possible. It still feels like I lost them yesterday. That moment, I still remember it clearly. Maybe it’s because I live in that house again. Maybe it’s because I’ve come back home. It’s been over a year now since I moved here. A year, alone, without anyone.

  I haven’t seen my family since Thanksgiving. Scott and Alice were upset I refused to come home for Christmas. They were planning on coming here for my birthday but had to cancel because Scott had to go to a conference for work in Texas that weekend.

  There have been so many times I’ve packed a bag, driven to the airport, and bought a ticket. I’ve attempted to talk myself into getting on the plane. I’ve even made it through security twice. As soon as they start boarding my flight, I begin to freak out.

  What if I run into Zach or Aubrey in LA?

  What if Blake is home when I get there?

  I’m not ready to deal with my old life. Which is ironic since today is the one day of the year I attempt to avoid life in general. Not this time, though. This time, I’m going to face everything with my chin up. I owe it to my parents. Hell, I owe it to myself.

  I drive past the cemetery twice before I actually pull over and park. I can see their headstone from where I’m sitting. Staring at it for a few minutes, giving myself a much-needed pep talk, I focus on all the good things in my life. Yes, my parent’s death was a tragedy, but if it had never happened, I wouldn’t have the life I do today.

  I never would have been as close to my Aunt as I was.

  I never would have been placed with Scott and Alice.

  I never would have met Blake.

  Blake. I miss him so much. More so in the last few weeks.

  Sure, there’s a lot that’s happened I wish I could forget about. The best thing that’s ever happened to me, though, is I was given a family I wouldn’t trade for the world. I love my brothers. I love my parents. I love my life. As lonely as it is right now, that’s a choice I made. It wasn’t a life I was forced into. I could have stayed in LA and pushed through. That’s not what I wanted. I wanted to come home. It’s a decision I still agree with, and one I don’t think I’ll ever regret.

  Tracing the lettering with my fingers, I remember the morning everything changed. My red rain boots. The feel of the hem of my dress brushing against my skin. It was soaked, but I was happy. I was jumping from puddle to puddle.

  My parents, all smiles as they drove away, waving at me and the babysitter. If only I had known I wouldn’t get to see them again. I would have told them I loved them. I would have hugged them tighter. I wouldn’t have let them leave. I would have begged and pleaded for them to stay.

  But we didn’t know. No one could have seen it coming. It was a stupid, senseless act of violence that stripped me of my parents and them of the future they deserved. I still don’t understand it, and I probably never will because I don’t want to. I do accept it, however. I have to. I don’t have a choice.

  “Hey, Mom. Dad. It’s Charlotte.” Pausing and scanning the area to make sure no one is around to hear, I catch sight of movement across the cemetery. They’re far enough away they shouldn’t be able to hear me. “So, it’s been a while since I visited. A lot’s happened since the last time I was here. So much that I’m not really sure where to start.

  “I moved back here. I’m living in the house, our house. I made a few improvements, updated a few things, but it’s still the same house for the most part. I think you’d like the changes I made. I know you’d love the garden tub I put in the master bath, Mom. You loved taking a bath after a long day at work. It’s weird the things I remember, isn’t it?

  “Anyway. I’m here now. To stay. I was in New York and LA, modeling. It was fun, but I got royally screwed by my manager. I don’t really want to talk about that, but just know I’m doing okay now. I’m working through it. I’m stronger than I appear to be. I promise.”

  I’m starting to get choked up, so I pause, take a seat, and pick at the grass around me. It’s starting to get dry and turn brown. I’m not surprised, especially since this was the hottest summer on record in almost fifty years.

  “So, the last time I was here I brought a friend with me, Blake. We ended up dating for a while. It didn’t work out, though. Life got in the way, I guess. We were headed in different directions at the time. I miss him, though. It’s funny, I think he’s the only thing I miss about the life I left behind in LA. Maybe one day, I’ll find the courage to see him again. I’m just so embarrassed. That thing I don’t want to tell you about with my manager, it’s embarrassing. It’s been over a year, and I still feel like an idiot. I know Blake understands, but I also know he feels bad for me. I don’t want to see the look of pity on his face. I don’t think I’d be able to hold myself together.

  “It’s funny the way people affect us, isn’t it? I think about Blake, and I can’t help but smile. I miss him, but I won’t allow myself to see him. I think about you guys, and I miss you, too, but it’s because I know I can’t see you. I’d give anything to see you guys again—even for a moment—just to tell you I love you one more time.”
>
  My heart starts beating erratically in my chest. I’m such an idiot. I’m sitting here telling my dead parents I would do anything to be able to tell them I love them one more time. I can’t change that. I have no control over that situation. I do, however, have control over the rest of my life. I can change the rest of my situation.

  “I love you guys. I’m sorry I can’t stay longer, but there’s somewhere I need to be.”

  Kissing the tips of my fingers, I place my hand on their headstone before walking away. All I can think about it what I’m going to say to Blake when I see him. Will he forgive me for being an idiot for the past year? I have to take the chance. I’ll never know if I don’t.

  Running down a list of things I need to do before I head to the airport, I’m lost in my own thoughts as I walk back to my car. I need to pack a bag. I have to lock up the house and call the neighbors to keep an eye on it. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone. It could be a few days or a few weeks. I won’t leave until Blake forgives me. That may take a while.

  Pulling my keys from my pocket, I look left and then right, making sure it’s clear before I cross the road. I take one step into the road and then look up, my keys falling from my hand. Blinking twice to make sure I’m not seeing things, I bend over and pick up my keys.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, coming to a stop a few feet from where he’s leaning against my driver’s door. He probably assumed he would need to block me from making an escape.

  “I knew you would be here today,” he says softly.

  He remembered. How is that possible? It’s been forever since we came here together. It’s been almost as long since he’s comforted me on this day. I’m shocked he remembered. It must be written all over my face because he continues before I can say anything.

  “I’m done playing your games, Charlie. I’m not leaving here until you and I have a talk. You can’t avoid me any longer.”

  I can’t help but smile. Leave it to Blake to get serious two seconds after sounding sensitive and caring.

  “Okay,” I say, moving toward the car. He steps out of my way, allowing me to open my door. “Get in.”

  Neither of us speaks as I wind through the back streets toward the house. A look of shock flashes across Blake’s face when I pull into the driveway of the house. He recovers quickly, clearing his throat before speaking.

  “This is where you’ve been the whole time?”

  “Yeah,” I reply, putting the car in park and turning off the engine.

  “But you weren’t at the cemetery last year.”

  “You were?”

  “I figured you’d be there. When you weren’t, it never crossed my mind to check here.”

  I nod, getting out of the car. Blake follows silently. As I unlock the front door, I pause, remembering the last time we were here together. Everything was different back then. Not our relationship, although that’s in a completely different place now, too, but the house.

  “I’ve made some changes,” I confess, pushing the door open and stepping aside to let him see for himself.

  Stepping inside, Blake takes in the new interior of the house. With wide eyes, he moves from room to room. I let him explore while I make us each a cup of tea, waiting for him at the table. Taking the seat next to me, Blake sips his tea before dropping in two spoonfuls of sugar and tasting it again.

  “You’ve been busy.”

  “I have.”

  “Shall we talk about the elephant in the room now?”

  Again with the swift change of tone and subject. I miss this about Blake. He never beat around the bush. Everything has always been black and white with him. If there was a gray area, it was our relationship. It sounds like he’s figured out how to move out of the gray area.

  “What do you want to talk about, Blake?”

  “Us. You. What happened?”

  “I don’t want to talk about what happened. I already told you everything you need to know.”

  “I don’t think you did. There has to be more to the story.”

  He’s too perceptive for his own good. He knows me too well. Normally, that wouldn’t bother me. I know I need to deal with this eventually, but I was hoping when we did finally talk, we would be able to avoid this topic. Apparently not.

  “What else is there to say? He was cheating on me with Aubrey. He had been for a while.”

  “I get that. You told me. What I don’t understand is why. Why would they do that to you? If he wanted to marry you, and she was supposed to be your best friend, why would they hurt you?”

  Hearing him ask the same questions I’ve asked myself from the moment I found them in bed together hurts. Deep. My defenses instantly go up. I open my mouth to reply but stop. It’s not his fault. I can’t take this out on him. If I don’t tell him the real reason, he’s never going to let it go.

  “Money,” I whisper.

  “I thought you didn’t tell Zach about your inheritance,” he replies, confused.

  “I didn’t tell him everything. I think Aubrey did.”

  “Why would you tell her?”

  “It was right after I met her. She was asking a lot of questions, and it came up. I never told her how much, but she obviously thought it was enough to run a scam on me for it.” My voice rises the angrier I get.

  “So it was all a scam? The friendship, the marriage, all of it?”

  “Apparently.”

  Blake starts laughing uncontrollably. At first, I want to smack him. After a few seconds, I join him. It feels good to laugh. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed this sincerely. It’s as if all my demons are being set free. The weight of the last year is lifting from my shoulders. It’s over, done. It no longer has an impact on my life. I’m letting it go, all of it.

  As our laughter begins to quiet, Blake takes my hand in his and gives it a tiny squeeze. “I’m sorry, Charlotte. I really am.”

  “It is what it is. I’m just glad I found out when I did. If I had married him, it would have destroyed me. My parents worked really hard to make sure I was taken care of. If he had gotten his hands on that money—”

  “He didn’t, and he never will.”

  “I know.”

  We sit in silence and drink our tea. After rinsing the cups and placing them in the dishwasher, I join Blake in the living room. We still have things to talk about, bigger things. I really want to know why he’s here. I’ve been an awful friend the last year. I’m going to have to earn his trust back, and I’d like to get started on that. Today.

  “So, I have to ask”—I take a seat on the couch next to him, sitting Indian style—“why are you here?”

  “I came here to find you. Why else would I be here?”

  “But, why?”

  “I’ve been worried about you. Scott and Alice promised me you were safe, but they wouldn’t tell me where you were. I figured this is the one place, the one day, I might be able to catch you. I guess if I’d thought hard enough, I could have figured out you would be here, in this house, too.”

  “I’m sorry I worried you. I’ve been an awful friend to you, and you deserve better.”

  “I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit, Charlie. It’s not about what I deserve,” he says, looking me straight in the eye. “It’s about what I want.”

  “And what’s that?” I ask, my voice barely audible.

  “You. Just you. I want you to stop running and start trusting me. I want you to stand still for a second so I can catch you. I want us. I want what we used to have, only more. I want the rest of your life. Here or in California, I want to be with you.”

  “Is that all?”

  “No. I’m sick of jumping over puddles, Charlie. It’s time we start jumping in them together.”

  A single tear makes its way down my cheek; Blake catches it before it falls. I didn’t even realize I was tearing up. His words reminded me of the last conversation I had with my mother. Afraid I’d fall in a puddle, that it might be too deep, she warned me to
be careful.

  Life is a giant puddle. You either jump in, take a chance on life, or jump over it and potentially miss all the excitement. With the right person by your side, no puddle will ever be too deep you’ll get pulled under.

  Looking at Blake, I realize he’s waiting for me to answer him.

  “It would have to be here, Blake.”

  “That’s fine.”

  “Don’t you want to know why?”

  “I don’t care why. As long as we’re together, it doesn’t matter to me where we are.”

  Seriously? Can’t he take a hint? Raising my eyebrow at him, he finally picks up on the fact I’m hinting at something.

  “Okay… why here?”

  “I’ll show you.”

  Grabbing my purse off the hall table, I holler for Blake to come with me. He asks me a million times where we’re going, but I keep silent. As always, I say a little prayer as we pass the restaurant my parents use to own. I signed over the deed to the restaurant a few weeks ago. It was hard to do, but it was also the right thing to do. It hasn’t been mine in a long time.

  I pull off the road, into the dirt parking lot. They’ll be pouring concrete in the next few days. The building itself is mostly finished, though. Digging through my purse, I find the key and hand it to Blake.

  “Where are we?”

  “You’ll see. Stop asking so many questions.”

  As we approach the front double doors, I discover something new. They etched the letters into the glass since the last time I was here, so I step in front of Blake, causing him to come to a halt.

  “I thought you wanted me to go inside?”

  “I do, and we will, but now I want to tell you.”

  “Make up your mind, Charlie.”

  “Look, after I’d been here for a while, I started to get stir crazy. The house remodel was finished, and there was nothing to fill my days. I also missed modeling. I thought about going back part time, but I didn’t want to risk having to deal with Zach or Aubrey. So, I created my own solution.” Stepping aside, I take Blake’s hand and walk him up to the doors. Squinting, he reads the etching on the glass.