Like Falling

by Jaden Wilkes

  She had almost completely forgotten about Eric. Oh boy, just when she thought her life was complicated enough, this new guy decides to text. Ok God, that’s pretty funny. Let me clear my head before I even think about another one, ok?

  She felt her phone buzz again, “Oh and btw, I know you’re busy in school and I respect that. Take your time to get back to me.”

  She clicked her phone off and slid it into her pocket, at least there was one drama free guy in her life.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  By early December she had learned two important things. The first, how to keep Adam at arm’s length. The second, how to be around Tyr and Tiff without tearing her hair out.

  Adam was difficult. She knew he really needed her right now, he depended on their relationship to help him through his difficult situation, but she didn’t want to have sex with him again. Somehow she convinced herself that kissing him, or even oral sex, was ok...but she couldn’t imagine being underneath him again, feeling confused and frustrated. If she was just kissing him it felt good, and the couple of times he had talked her into a blowjob, it was over fast enough that it almost didn’t register on her moral compass. If he didn’t need her attention so badly, she would probably have turned her back on him and forgotten about it. As it was, Naomi and Nic were paramount in walking her through the landmines of emotions she had concerning Adam. They had helped toughen her up against his pleading need.

  Tyr and Tiff were also a conundrum. She knew they were in a relationship, but Tyr often joined the group without Tiff. Sarah also knew this pissed Tiff off, but couldn’t help feeling satisfied every time Tyr showed up alone. When Tiff was along, she spent as much time as she could sitting on Tyr’s lap shooting daggers at Sarah from her narrowed eyes. This had the opposite effect that the other girl wanted though, Sarah felt rather smug knowing that she had that much power in Tyr’s life that his little fling would feel threatened by it. Still, it sucked every time Tiff kissed him, or every time Tyr forgot himself and draped his arm casually around her shoulders. That cut Sarah deeply, she wanted to be the one Tyr could be so open with. It killed her to know that he was covering Tiff’s body with his, kissing her lips, sucking her nipples, feeling himself inside of her. I have got to get things straight in my head, she thought one day after spending the day hanging posters with Nic and Naomi. They were holding a queer film festival in the Women’s Centre on campus, it looked like it was going to be unlike anything she’d ever done. Now she lay in bed, obsessing over him as usual. I know he wants to be friends, and I know he might like me more than a friend, and I know that I definitely want more than friendship, but he’s clearly messed up. I don’t have time for stupid games, so I need to just let it go. If only he wasn’t so hot, and his tattoos so intoxicating, and his eyes so deep and soulful, and his lips so perfect when they touched hers. She sighed, rolled over and punched her pillow. This was getting ridiculous, she couldn’t sleep. She noticed her phone, she had a text. It wasn’t from Tyr, so her heart dropped, it was from Eric.

  The two of them had been texting back and forth for the past couple of weeks. She didn’t see the harm in having one more person to talk to, and he was very unobtrusive and kind. He was also hilarious, he made her laugh constantly, and was always sharing some little joke or funny observation from his work. He apparently had a bachelors degree in wildlife biology from the University of Northern British Columbia. He was twenty five and now worked in Prince Rupert for the department of fisheries and oceans. He ran into a lot of dramatic situations with poachers and angry fisherman, so he always had something to talk about. She had no idea what he looked like, and had never heard his voice, but for now things were perfect. She could depend on him for a distraction from her guy troubles and lean on him when she was stressed. She never told him the source of her stress of course, she knew it would probably get back to her parents. Nothing spread faster than gossip in the Mennonite community, especially something as scandalous as premarital sex and adultery. She was, as always, mortified at the thought of her parents finding out, texted Eric a quick good night, and finally fell asleep.

  *****

  The semester was wrapping up quickly and Sarah still didn’t have confirmation that she was enrolled in Adam’s upper level course. She decided to bring it up after class on Wednesday. The morning was uneventful, she sometimes sat with Nic and Tyr at the back, sometimes at the front. She didn’t want to become too predictable and give into Adam’s expectations. Today she was at the back.

  Tyr came in just as Adam began, but Nic wasn’t with him.

  “Did Nic skip again?” she whispered to Tyr.

  “Yeah, I think they’re at your place banging the gong, if you know what I mean,” he wiggled his eyebrows at her and she giggled. Adam looked up and stared just a moment too long.

  “Uh oh, looks like McDouchey is getting a little jealous,” he whispered again. “It’s probably good for him, he’s such a pathetic old dog.”

  “Come on Tyr, be nice. He’s not that bad,” she said, she defended Adam with lukewarm enthusiasm now, especially around Tyr. “He’s going through some rough stuff, I think I’m kind of his shoulder to lean on.”

  “That’s ridiculous, he’s a grown man and you’re his student. He’s crossing all kinds of lines,” his voice was getting tense and a little louder. A guy a few rows down turned around and glared at them. Adam kept lecturing, but looked up at them every few seconds, a perturbed look on his face.

  “At least I can hold a conversation with him, how’s Tiff? Has she learned to string a couple of sentences together yet, or is she still just your lap warmer?” her face was burning, she wanted to slap the smug look off his face.

  He leaned in, looked her directly in the eyes and said “Maybe that’s all I need...a hot little lap warmer.”

  “Whatever, I doubt you’d understand what Adam and I have. It’s beyond lust.”

  “Oh, and what would that be?” he raised an eyebrow.

  “Mutual respect,” she said and knew immediately how ridiculous she sounded.

  Tyr laughed and said “You are right, I don’t understand that kind of respect.”

  “I’m starting to think you don’t know any kind of respect.” He pulled away, and Sarah saw pain cross his face. Good, he deserved that. Why did it make her feel so awful to hurt him?

  Adam continued his lecture and relaxed when he noticed Tyr and Sarah leaning away from one another. Sarah snuck a few looks at Tyr and could just see his profile, his strong proud face backlit by the theatre lights. He had a long, sloped forehead that gave him an elegant appearance, with his thick, black hair, he almost looked noble. He had a fairly large nose, and pouty full lips. She could see his stubble growing in, he hadn’t had time to shave. She remembered the feel of his lips on hers, her fingers running along his rough jaw, his tongue sliding into her mouth and his hands holding her head close to him. She couldn’t concentrate on what Adam was saying, she was getting turned on by the small glances she was sneaking, and the memories of his kiss. She caught herself tracing the outline of his tattoos with her eyes...she longed to run her fingers along the dark lines and see where they lead her, up on his muscular chest.

  Oh my, what is wrong with me? I’m like a damn cat in heat around him. I can’t think of anything than sliding onto his lap, straddling him and wrapping my legs around him. She had a distinct image of herself bucking against him, Tyr’s hardness deep inside of her. She noticed him looking at her, blushed redly again, and looked to the front of the classroom. Adam had seen the entire exchange. This is ridiculous, she thought, I’m almost 19, I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to fuck my friend. It wasn’t exactly guilt she was feeling though, more of a combination of lust and fear. She had a suspicion that if she were to give herself to Tyr, she would be playing with fire. A man like him could ignite her passions, or burn her up as she tried to tame him.

  Adam finished his lecture and began to pack up. Tyr generally jumped up the moment the class was finished, but
he lingered today, blocking her from leaving. He fumbled with his pack for a couple of moments, turned to her and said “Listen, I know you think I’m hard on you, but I worry. I don’t think you know what you’re getting into with a guy like Adam. He’s using you, and you’re better than that. You deserve the best.” He leaned in close to her ear, she could feel his hot breath on her skin as he said “You deserve a man who will worship you and lift you up, not one who will drag you down into the mud with him. You deserve so much Sarah-” his voice cut off, thick with emotion. Her heart was slamming against the walls in her chest, she heard him draw in a long breath and exhale. He said nothing more, she was tense with anticipation, waiting for his next sentence. Instead he kissed her temple gently and was gone. She was left on fire, burning in confusion and desire for him, the spot where his lips had been felt like a hot brand. Adam called to her from a million miles away, and she turned woodenly to greet him.

  What just happened? Why does he always do this? He kicks me down and then sends me soaring. What kind of game is this? She had a feeling this was no game though. Tyr was in it as deeply as she and was just as confused. I don’t know why though, she thought, why would he be afraid of me?

  *****

  She followed Adam to his office as usual. She was always comforted by the fact that he walked her past the office, through the department, in front of everyone. If their relationship was breaking any rules, surely he’d try to hide their after class meetings. She hadn’t seen him out of school since the time at his condo, and had been avoiding doing so. She already felt so depended upon that she feared he’d ramp up the clingy if they started seeing each other out of school. She was conflicted between her need to be supportive and kind, and her increasing need to get away from his groping.

  That escalated quickly, she thought and laughed to herself. She love Nic’s pop culture obsession and was learning the ins and outs of slang. At least I don’t sound like a freaked out church girl anymore, she was proud of how well she was fitting in. It was strange though, how quickly she went from fantasizing about Adam to wanting to get away.

  “So, what would you like to talk about?” he asked her as he shut the door and pulled her to him.

  She wiggled away and replied “I was wondering about that upper level class next semester, I don’t have a confirmation on it yet.”

  “Oh that, I haven’t been able to get approval on it yet, but I will. How about you find something else to take just in case, ok?” he reached for her arm and pulled at her again.

  “Ok, I guess. I was also wondering what’s going on with the job? Have you heard anything more? I feel like it’s kinda died off,” she tried to pull her arm back, but his grip was too strong.

  “Yes, I forgot to tell you that. The department is dragging their feet on it. I’ll make sure you’re compensated for the work you’ve already done,” he grabbed her other arm and pushed himself against her. She could feel his hardness pressing into her hip. She pulled away far enough to look him in the eye.

  “What do you mean by that? You’re going to pay me for what?” she was alarmed by his leer.

  “Don’t look at me like that, I’m not calling you a whore,” he pulled her close again and kissed her, the bent to her ear and whispered “if you were, I don’t think I could afford you...you drive me so crazy Sarah.”

  She found his breath too hot, too moist, and his accent twisted her name into something repulsive to her. She struggled away from him and told him “I have to go meet Naomi, I’ve volunteered to help her put on an event at the Women’s Centre.” Why did she have such a hard time articulating her wants when she was face to face? She always seemed to fall back into freaked out Mennonite mode when it came to articulating her wants and needs.

  She left his office and hurried down the corridor, past the office and into the Academic Quadrangle. She was planning on skipping the rest of her classes in order to help set up for the film festival at the Women’s Centre. She knew this was a major event for Nic and Naomi, and wanted to show her support for it. She wandered through campus, stopped and picked up a chicken wrap and a diet Coke from the cafeteria, ate it quickly, and walked to meet her friends. By the time she got there, things were already in full swing. People buzzed here and there setting up the screen at the front, handling the techie stuff, Sarah stood in the centre and felt completely out of place. She looked towards the back and saw Tyr there, looking as awkward she she felt. She walked towards him, feeling self conscious. It irked her that she now found Adam so damn annoying lately, she would never admit it of course.

  “Hey,” she said as she reached him. Oh yeah, brilliant, that’ll reel him in. Less than an hour ago he was lighting her skin on fire with a single kiss, and now she could barely look him in the eye. How does he do this to me?

  “Hey yourself,” he replied and looked down at her with a wide smile on his face.

  “What?” she said, sounding defensive.

  “You’ve got something on your chin,” he reached down and picked off a piece of lettuce. Oh my god, I am such a dork! It didn’t help that even the smallest of his touches sent her pulse racing and her heart jumping.

  “Oh, uh, thanks,” she looked away, bright red.

  “Don’t worry, you still look amazing,” he told her with a smile. “Green is your colour.”

  She decided to ignore it, even though her heart betrayed her with another padump. “Where’ Tiff? Isn’t she supposed to meet us here?”

  “Oh Tiff. No, she had to work,” he said seemingly unconcerned. “Should we go ask somebody what we’re doing here, or do you think our only job is to stand here and look pretty?”

  Sarah laughed and they found Nic in charge, she got them setting up chairs. They talked for the next couple of hours while Nice and Naomi ran around like crazy. By early evening the centre was transformed and Sarah was exhausted. She sat at the back with Tyr and watched the short films. They were mostly student documentaries, Sarah was enthralled with the journeys of each of these students. She recognized the parallels to her own experience trying to fit into a society that doesn’t see you as normal. She felt overwhelmed for Naomi, she was facing more than Sarah ever could imagine. All she could do was be there for Naomi and offer support if their community turned against her friend. She knew Naomi would do it for her if it ever came down to it.

  She turned to look at Tyr in the darkened room and saw him clenching and unclenching his jaw. Without thinking she reached out and grabbed his hand. They sat there like that, in the dark, holding hands until the lights came on.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  The semester was over, Sarah had two final exams to write and then she and Naomi would make the two day bus journey back to Alberta for Christmas. She had initially wanted to stay in Burnaby for Christmas, but her mother’s guilt and the thought of home cooking was luring her back. Sushi was awesome, and she loved Italian, but there was something about her mother’s baked ham and lebkuchen cookies that made the holidays come alive.

  She wasn’t looking forward to the questions though. She didn’t know if she could hold up under the pressure of her parents’ queries, she had to rehearse stock answers before she got home so she wouldn’t have to make anything up on the spot. She had her English final this morning, then Adam’s course this afternoon. She studied the materials and felt well prepared to face whatever her professors had to throw at her. She knew she had aced her other three exams, but still checked online every few hours to see if her grades were updated. She wanted to at least have an excellent term to show off to her family, to prove that she was excelling in her chosen academic life. My personal life? Well, that’s another story. She knew Adam was upset that she was going home for Christmas, but she was trying her best to ignore him lately. His dependence had gotten out of control, he was texting her constantly with little lines of poetry or observations of love. She didn’t love him, she didn’t even know if she liked him that much anymore. She had been relieved to find out that he wasn’t sure about ge
tting her into the upper level class, she didn’t think she could bear another term with him. After the film night at the Women’s Centre, she had decided to take an anthropology course. The similarities between her Mennonite background and the persecution of her gay and lesbian friends had fascinated her. She had never considered that others had gone through similar circumstances as herself, and Naomi’s story struck her as especially poignant.

  Sarah found a small alcove near the archaeology department to go over her notes for English one last time. She pulled her books out, set herself up and immediately wondered where Tyr was right now. Come on, concentrate. She was scanning her analysis of a novel when she noticed movement out of the corner of her eye. This was a popular place for studying, but also lovers sneaking away for a quick kiss. She tried not to watch, but the couple came into her field of vision. She recognized the man immediately, it was Adam. He was holding hands with an elegant older woman, she was close to his age. She was lean, tall, and had an adorable pixie cut that matched her angled face. She looked like she would be comfortable on the pages of a fashion mag or striding along the runway in Milan. Sarah was stunned, she felt a sharp pain in her stomach and tears prickling the back of her eyelids. Her face felt swollen and she wanted to throw up. She bent over her book and held it up, shielding her face. They passed her little corner but thankfully didn’t notice her. They were in deep conversation and leaning towards one another, completely in tune and unaware of their surroundings. Was this his wife? He laughed and pulled her close, draped one arm over the elegant woman’s shoulders. She placed a hand on his ass, then slipped it into his back pocket. This has to be his wife, and she’s gorgeous.

  Sarah’s cheeks were hotter than ever, and she knew they were bright red. Shame washed over her, he had been lying the entire time. She had known this somewhere in her gut, but refused to believe it. He had used her, and she had allowed it. Tyr was right, Adam is a giant douche. When she was sure they were long gone, she packed up her books and found the nearest washroom, to her relief it was empty. She slipped into the handicapped stall, hung her pack on the door hook, put her head in her hands and sobbed. She didn’t want him, in fact he had been so clingy that she was pulling away from him lately, so why did it hurt so hard? Her tears were fast and hot, she hated crying, hated how big it made her head feel and hated being stuffed up, but she couldn’t stop.