Like Falling

by Jaden Wilkes

  After a few minutes she straightened up, blew her nose and grabbed her pack. She splashed cold water on her face and stared at herself in the mirror. Big eyes, big lips and big teeth, ratty hair and smeared makeup. That’s all she saw, and she was miserable. How could I have thought I was doing him a favour? I’m so dull compared to that woman, his wife. She just knew that had been his wife.

  She straightened her back, smoothed her hair and went to her English exam feeling strangely free. She would take this lesson and learn it well, always trust your instincts, and listen to your friends. She hated the thought of Tyr finding out though, of him being right and knowing of her humiliation.

  *****

  Sarah rushed into the room for Adam’s final exam, it was being held in a small classroom close to the library. She was just on time, but waited until the last minute to enter so she didn’t have to say hello to Adam. She sat at the back of the room in between Tyr and Nic, dropped her pack to the floor, took out three pencils and got ready to write the exam. Her English final had gone well, she was pleased with how easily she had adjusted to the challenging coursework of university. Adam dropped the exams off at the end of the row to be passed along, caught her eye, and raised his eyebrows in query. She shrugged, grabbed an exam, passed the rest along, and dropped her head to write. The classroom was quiet, she could hear somebody in the front with a cold, their snorting and sniffling was distracting. Just blow your fucking nose already, is it so hard to bring a tissue? Normally small things like this didn’t bother her, but she was on a mission, she wanted to finish as fast as possible and exit Adam’s classroom and life forever. She was mortified at her behaviour this semester and hoped she could put it all behind her.

  She heard Tyr’s pencil scratching across the page and glanced over. He was already on page two with no sign of slowing down. Her competitive edge kicked in and she was able to focus. The sound of the sniffler and the overly loud classroom clock finally faded away and she tried to catch up to Tyr.

  She glanced over at his paper again and caught sight of his beautifully marked and tanned forearm. The muscles rippled under the skin, making this designs come to life, she was mesmerized. She imagined her pale white skin contrasted against his and felt immediately warm and tingly. He was still writing, page three, and she couldn’t stop staring. She heard Adam clear his throat, looked up and saw him watching her, a question on his face. She shook her head ever so lightly and got back to work.

  Tyr finished ahead of her, but by only ten minutes. She was the fourth person to complete the exam and leave, he had been the second. She was impressed, she hadn’t realized Tyr actually gave a fuck about school. She slung her pack over her shoulder and felt uplifted, she was free for almost three weeks and it felt good.

  *****

  Naomi and Sarah got on the Greyhound bus and headed to the very back. School was done, and they were on their way home for Christmas. Tyr had disappeared after the archaeology final, Sarah stopped herself from texting him to say goodbye. She didn’t know where he was going for Christmas, maybe he was out buying Tiff a thong...or a dictionary. Oh that’s mean, I need to get my good girl face on for the visit home. She practiced widening her eyes to look innocent, blinking a couple of times to add to her overall look.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Naomi laughed and did an exaggerated blink.

  “Um, you weren’t supposed to see that,” Sarah blushed. “I’m practicing looking like a good church mouse for my parents. The clothes alone are going to give them a heart attack, at least I can put off wearing make up and look demure while I’m there. How do you think your parents are going to be?”

  Naomi had long ago stopped caring about her family’s approval, and it was even more pronounced now. They had always been hard on her, and she had always responded to their craziness with more of her own rebellious behabiour. She had recently gotten a lip piercing and was considering a tattoo. Nic had both nipples done, and both girls had joked about piercings ‘down there’, but Sarah had never gotten the courage up to ask what they meant.

  “Honestly? I don’t give a fuck. My family isn’t as straight laced as yours. They’ll be pissed, but what can they say? My Dad’s a drinker and my mom’s a closet gambler. And I don’t even want to tell you about my older brother, John.”

  “He works in the oil fields, right?”

  “Uh yeah, that’s the official story,” Naomi looked out the bus window as it pulled away from the terminal.

  “What do you mean?” How self centered am I? I never knew anything was wrong with Naomi’s family. She suddenly questioned her friendship with Naomi. Had it always been so one sided, or had something changed so Naomi felt safe sharing with her now? This was the first time they really had been alone since the move, Naomi was always surrounded by Women’s Centre friends, or had Nic at her side.

  “Well, you know the community has problems, right? Come on, you have to know,” she replied, noticing Sarah’s confused look. “The usual, alcohol, gambling, domestic voilence, yadda yadda yadda.”

  “Get out! How did I not know this?”

  “You live in a bubble my friend, you always have. You see the world through Sarah coloured glasses, and unless something is right in front of you, you just can’t see it.”

  “Honestly, I had no idea. I must be like the worst friend on the planet!”

  “See? It’s always about you,” Naomi laughed, punching Sarah gently in the arm. “But seriously, your family is like a happy little island in the middle of the community. You guys don’t seem effected by any of it. Anyhow, John doesn't work in the oil patch. He’s in jail, out in Windsor, Ontario. He apparently got into a fight outside a bar and beat some guy to a pulp. You know our home grown farm boys, don’t piss them off!”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Naomi’s older brother had always seemed like a foreign exchange student to Sarah, he had been home schooled and spoke mostly German when she had visited them. He was a gentle sort though, not prone to violence as far as she could tell.

  “Yup, he got into booze just like my Dad. Like father, like son,” Naomi replied, sadness filled her eyes.

  “I had no idea, I’m so sorry Naomi. I am speechless, I really am,” Sarah felt her heart weighed down with guilt. There was so much she had missed in Naomi’s life, Naomi’s sexuality, her home life, this was all a stunning revelation.

  “It’s ok, I love you anyways, even if you live with your head in the clouds,” Naomi smiled, hugging her friend. “Now let’s talk about something more interesting, what ever happened with McDouchey?”

  Sarah explained what she had seen, and Naomi concurred, it was probably his wife.

  “How do you feel?” Naomi asked, concerned.

  “Actually? Pretty damn free! He was getting really annoying near the end, and he was always asking me to give him head,” Sarah leaned in and whispered.

  “Give you what?” Naomi replied, a little too loud.

  “Head,” Sarah said again, “you know, a blowjob.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t catch that,” Naomi said, even louder.

  “Fuck Naomi, I said HEAD! A BJ!” Sarah exclaimed, frustrated with her friend.

  Naomi fell apart, giggling and shaking, barely able to point to something behind Sarah. Sarah’s heart sank and she turned around slowly. A tired looking woman was sitting across the aisle from them shooting Sarah a look of pure disgust.

  “Oh my god, you are such a bitch!” Sarah said, and started laughing as hard as her friend.

  The rest of the journey went just as well. The two shared moments of laughter and serious discussion. Sarah felt like she had really gotten to know her best friend for the first time, after all these years and all these miles, she knew who Naomi was. The problems Naomi outlined in the community alarmed Sarah though, she wanted to ask her parents about them when she had a moment. Could she have really lived among these people her entire life without ever noticing these things about them? Maybe she had just been too naive before she left
, now that her eyes had been opened to the world, she might recognize some of the issues her people were dealing with.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Sarah had been home for a week, there were still three days before Christmas. She had been to church with her mother exactly four times so far. She was going crazy, her braided hair itched and she craved a private moment to fantasize about Tyr. He hadn’t texted her or called, she was starting to worry but didn’t want to interrupt him and Tiff. She imagined he was going to spend Christmas with the trashy waitress, all curled up and naked, enjoying her body, spoiling her with gifts. She wanted to scream when she thought about it. Maybe it’s best I don’t have time to think about him, he could drive a girl crazy even hundreds of miles away. Eric had been faithfully texting her every day. She was starting to depend on his funny interludes and supportive comments when she needed to vent about her family. It was nice to talk to somebody who totally got it, what it was like with an overbearing Mennonite family. She was sitting on her old bed, finding a few moments of quiet while her little sister helped their mom fold laundry. She felt her phone buzz and had the familiar thought that it might be Tyr. It was Eric, she read the message trying to ignore the pang of disappointment gnawing in her stomach.

  “Hey you, how’s the family life today? I wish I could make it to my aunt’s place so we could meet.”

  Eric’s aunt lived on the other side of town and attended the same church. She was the one who had contacted Sarah’s parents about the two of them meeting. She had done the family histories to see if they were too closely related, and they were apparently very compatible. It was important within this insular community to make sure there was enough distance between intended marital partners to avoid any complications. Sarah had been scribbling notes during her visit in case she decided to use this as a research topic for her upcoming anthropology class.

  “Me too, it’s been pretty dull,” she texted back. And it had been, and she really did wish he was here. A handsome man would be a pleasant distraction at the moment. She had heard a description of him from her mother, and he did sound quite attractive.

  “Do you think about meeting?” he wrote back.

  “I do, it would be cool to put a face to the name.”

  Sarah knew this was a dangerous game, she wasn’t ready to get serious about anyone right now, and she couldn’t get Tyr off her mind. It wasn’t really fair to Eric, but she couldn't exactly say no, her family was expecting her to meet him and potentially marry him. It is nice to have somebody who cares, she thought noting Tyr’s absence. I wonder if Eric has any ink. A Mennonite boy with ink? she thought. You never know, stranger things have happened. She smiled and read his reply.

  “I know our families would be happy.”

  “You got that right, my mom hasn’t stopped talking about you.”

  “I’ll be in Vancouver in April, if you can wait that long.”

  “I think I can,” she wrote back, happy with the time. She could keep Eric at arm’s length for a few months, enjoy his friendship before she had to turn him down. Maybe I won’t have to turn him down, she thought, wouldn’t that be something? He might be the kind of guy I could love and my parents would approve of.

  Her mom called from the kitchen and she typed “talk to you soon,” and went to have breakfast. Mennonite scrambled eggs, there was nothing like them. Sarah missed her mother’s food at university, but it wasn’t enough to keep her here. Close, but not quite, she smiled and dug into the piled egg.

  “How are you and Eric getting along,” her father asked.

  She swallowed her mouthful and replied “Great, we’re chatting every day now.”

  “Chatting on the phone? Or are you just writing back and forth?”

  “Just texting dad, it’s a good way to get to know somebody.”

  “What ever happened to partaking in a family meal, face to face?”

  “He lives so far away, and I live far away, that’s not going to happen any time soon,” she replied, and went back to her eggs. She tried to picture Tyr at this table, with her parents and siblings, and couldn’t quite get there. How would he hold up under her father’s stern questioning?

  “That’s the problem right there, you don’t have time to know him. This school thing is getting in your way Sarah, and I don’t like it. I wish I’d never agreed to such foolishness. You need to focus on finding a suitable husband and settle down before it’s too late,” her father frowned and looked at his coffee cup.

  “What do you mean ‘too late’?” she asked, angered. “I’m not a carton of milk, it’s not like I’ll sour if I’m not married off before I’m twenty!”

  “Sarah! Watch your mouth!” her mother snapped at her and glanced at her dad. He hadn’t moved, he was still looking at his cup with a frown on his face. Her little sister had gone completely quiet and froze with an almost comical look of shock on her face.

  After a long minute her father turned to her mother and said slowly “This is what happens when you go off to let strangers teach our daughter. I should have never agreed to this, look at her clothes now, she dresses like a loose woman.” Then he turned and looked directly at Sarah, “Prove me wrong, you owe it to your family to see yourself settled down. An education is worthless if you’re not having babies and teaching them our ways. God gave you one purpose in this life, and that is not about going to school,” he pointed his finger at her and actually shook it in her face. “Hear my words young lady, you’ll be washed up and too old for children sooner than you know. How will your degree keep you company when you’re an old woman?” Sarah had never seen her father this angry with her.

  “Yes father,” she whispered, eyes downcast.

  “Sarah knows what’s important, don’t you dear?” her mother intervened, rubbing her father’s arm and looking nervously at Sarah. Sarah’s little sister had shrunk down and was eating her breakfast silently, not looking at any of them.

  “Yes mother, I promise both of you I will put my family first and find a suitable husband before my schooling is done.” Sarah was crushed, her father had damped any fire that had been growing in her and she remembered why she had spent her entire life with her head in the clouds. The reality in her family was that her father ruled without question and Sarah had always followed his lead in body, but never in spirit. Her life had always been lived in two separate worlds, this one where her father was in control, and the one in her head where she dared to dream. Now that she had been able to bring them together at school, she didn’t know if she could come back to this. She took another huge bite of eggs and caught her mother looking at her, the disapproval on her face was undeniable. Sarah pushed her chair away and asked to be excused, she had suddenly lost her appetite.

  *****

  Christmas passed with no other incident. Her father was congenial when Sarah was playing her part and even loosened up a little when she volunteered at the church day care several times without question. She had to give the appearance of being a good little Mennonite girl, more so now than ever. She was terrified that they would pull their support of her schooling, so she walked quietly around him and talked about Eric constantly to show her commitment to finding a family approved fiancé. If they only knew what she had been up to, she would never be allowed to go back to university. She couldn’t wait to go though, she texted Naomi and the two of them made up an excuse to get back before New Year’s Eve. Naomi sounded even more desperate to escape than Sarah.

  “I forgot to pay my rent mom, if I don’t get home they’ll kick us both out,” Sarah lied right to her mother’s face. Her father was listening, but said nothing. “It will give me time to study a little before classes start,” she continued to convince her mom. Her dad was reading the paper and listening in.

  “I don’t know Sarah, your brothers and their families are coming for New Year’s dinner, how would it look if you ducked out?”

  “I saw everyone on Christmas, and I got to see all the kids in church. I’ll see them all su
mmer too, I’ll be back before any of you even miss me.”

  “This kind of behaviour is what I am talking about. You are already putting your family last, and it’s only been one semester,” her father interjected.

  “Dad, I don’t mean anything by it. I just want to make sure my rent is paid,” Sarah replied.

  “You can change your plans on one condition Sarah, I want you to meet Eric Peters before the end of the semester. We have to find out if you two are compatible. If not, we can start looking for another young man.”

  “Ok, no problem,” she agreed. “We have plans to meet in April already.”

  Her mother looked relieved and her Dad snapped the paper flat and folded it. He looked at Sarah, she felt like he could see right into her soul, see her failed relationship with Adam, see her drinking and swearing, and see her lusting after Tyr. She was certain he was going to force her to stay when he softened slightly and said “Ok you can go. Make sure you stay on the path of righteousness, God is the only thing you need in this life, and the only way we can honour him is through continuing our family and raising them in our faith.”

  Sarah lowered her eyes again and said “Yes father, I will remember that.” Oh god get me out of here!

  *****

  Back on the Greyhound heading to BC Sarah and Naomi had a chance to reconnect and compare holiday stories.

  “I’ll bet you my family was the worst,” Sarah challenged her friend. “My dad would not stop talking about me getting married and having babies for god. He said I would sour if I didn’t pump them out soon enough, can you fucking believe that?”