Redeem Me

by Jennifer Foor

  I started doing the math in my head, realizing that Parker and I had started dating when Ashley was pregnant. I remember Shayne coming around, and a certain private conversation that I’d witnessed them having.

  Suddenly everything began to make sense.

  The whispers at parties.

  The way they’d been so close to Parker, and then turned their backs on him.

  It all made sense.

  Shaking, and feeling like I was in a literal nightmare, I tried to psych myself out of my current mental state. Parker loved me, and I was carrying his child. I had to figure out a way to get over this, so that we could be happy.

  After nearly an hour I was sitting on the bathroom floor, vomiting, and clearly in no condition to be able to rationalize with what had occurred.

  In a matter of seconds everything I thought I’d known had been proven a lie. I couldn’t deny my immediate jealousy I had for Ashley, or how Parker was with her, discussing the twins. I wondered if Shayne was aware of their friendship, or even if it bothered him at all? The longer I dwelled on the phone call, the sicker I got. In fact, it got so bad that I actually fell asleep on that cold tile floor, while crying, and reaching for hope that no longer existed.

  At some point Parker was going to come home. He’d suspect that everything was okay. I, however, knew I couldn’t look at him the same. He’d fathered two children and written them off to party at college, and date someone else. How could I ever be able to accept that he wanted to be a father to my child that was growing inside of me?

  I woke up to the sound of the door opening. Being that I was till lying in the bathroom floor, I rose to my feet quickly, so that I wouldn’t alarm Parker. It took me a couple seconds to recall what had put me there. As soon as I walked into the main room, I saw him standing there. He had a smile on his face, and seemed so content.

  It made me cringe. How could he look at me day after day, knowing he had two children, and act like he was this innocent guy? I felt like I didn’t know him at all.

  As he approached, I turned my head. “What’s wrong?” He ran his hand over my cheek.

  I wanted to cry, but knew I couldn’t lead on that I knew his dirty little secret. I couldn’t say anything at all until I could figure out what I was going to do. It wasn’t as if I had a ton of options. I could call my parents and go back to being controlled, or I could stay, forever knowing that those twins belonged to Parker, not Shayne. “Nothing. I’m fine. It’s been a long day and I’m headed to bed.”

  “Did you finish proofin’ the term paper?”

  “No. I still need to proof it a few more times.” The small talk was making my head spin.

  “That’s my girl; always makin’ things perfect.” He smiled and pulled off his shirt. It let me know he was going to join me in bed. I didn’t know how to get him to leave me alone without putting some kind of worry over him. “Hey, Ash said she’s been savin’ all the twin’s clothes, so whatever we have we’ll have a shit-ton of baby stuff. That’s goin’ to help, don’t ya think?”

  The idea of getting clothes from the woman that he shared secret twins with rubbed me the wrong way. Again I had something else that was making my stomach twirl. “Yeah, that will be great.” I pointed toward the bed. “I’m just going to go to sleep now. I’ll keep my ear buds in so you can watch the sports network.” I kissed him on the cheek, quickly, so that I wouldn’t get emotional from the contact. “Goodnight, Parker.”

  He followed me into the bed, wrapping his arms around me. I closed my eyes, pretending that it didn’t bother me. “I ran into your dad earlier. That’s why Ash had to come to school and get me. He said he was watchin’ me, and that he’d have me followed until I led him right to you. I was so afraid he’d find you and take you away from me, Cam. God, I love you so much.” He kissed the back of my head, making me feel even more confused.

  My parents had hurt me, but Parker’s secret was destroying me. It’s no wonder he couldn’t tell me the truth, because he knew I’d never be able to understand. The fact that his brother had let Parker around those kids made me wonder if he’d lost his mind. How could he be okay with knowing that his brother had slept with his wife? They obviously weren’t together at the time, but it still wasn’t right. I was in the state of utter shock.

  While attempting to control my body from shaking profusely, Parker nestled himself closer to me. I felt trapped, like there was nowhere to escape from this type of horror.

  I had a big decision to make; one that couldn’t be taken lightly. Could I stay with Parker and live with what he’d done, or would I have to walk away, allowing my parents to do what they thought was best for me?

  Those questions were heavy on my heart as I tried to close my eyes. For now there was a baby growing inside of me. I was already in love with it, and didn’t know how to make a decision when all I wanted to do was be his or her mother.

  Chapter 27

  Parker

  Being with my brother and his family had been enlightening. Watching him interact with the children always felt weird, but knowing that I had a baby on the way helped me. It was imperative that I took into consideration that I’d soon have my own family to care for. Maybe it would help me to overcome the hard feelings that I had when I was around the twins.

  At the end of the day they were going to remain my niece and nephew. I’d get to watch them grow, and give them presents for their birthdays and Christmas. I’d get to be a part of their lives, even if I wasn’t the person they called ‘daddy’. It was enough for me.

  Cameron was acting weird over the phone, then once I arrived home it was apparent that something was bothering her. With everything we’d gone through it wasn’t surprising that she was acting different. I think sometimes she got cabin fever. My mom had been taking her out a couple times a week to get some exercise, and fresh air.

  She’d done well adapting to the changes, and every day we discussed our future. We’d decided to marry within the next month, after she had her sonogram to tell us what we were having. We were still several weeks away from that eventful visit, so we had time to deal with school.

  Cameron had been on edge with finals coming up. She’d missed several classes, claiming that it would be an issue for the exam, but to be honest I was sure she knew just as much as the professor himself. The girl had read as a hobby. She was so highly intelligent, and I never doubted her ability to achieve what she set out to do.

  Since sex was out of the question, I’d resorted to cuddling up next to her to show her affection. On this particular night she was being ridiculously distant. Within no time she’d fallen asleep, not even really acknowledging that I was holding her.

  It took a while for me to finally fall asleep. I felt like my mind was running in a million places. At the end of the day all I needed was in this room lying next to me. She’d probably never know how much she’d changed me. I just hoped that I could be the man she deserved.

  Cameron

  I pretended to be asleep so that he’d leave me alone. I knew it was a lie, and I hated reverting to that kind of action, but I needed space. At the moment I was so repulsed by Parker that I knew it would cause more harm to address it.

  I woke up early, still uncomfortable being so close to him. While Parker slept, I got up and dressed. His aunt would be making breakfast, and having her morning coffee. Sometimes we’d sit out on the large front porch watching the hummingbirds come into the feeders they had hanging up. They were amazing to watch in action, so quick and accurate.

  I snuck out the door to our little apartment and walked down the path that lead to the farmhouse. Ford’s mother must have seen me approaching. She walked inside and came out with a tray of pancakes and fruit juice. “Good mornin’, Cameron. I hope you’re hungry.”

  “I am. Thank you. It’s beautiful today,” I exclaimed.

  “It sure is. Although, every day is beautiful to me. I’ve been through a lot of evil, so every single day is a blessin’ for me.”

&nbs
p; I couldn’t put my finger on the exact reason that I liked this woman so much. Parker had told me all about her previous addictions. He’d also explained how the family had brought her back from the brink of death. It reminded me that no matter what the reason, they always stuck together. It was that kind of support that I wanted my child to grow up knowing.

  As I sat down to eat I felt fluttering in my stomach. I’d read that it was the first signs of movement during pregnancy. I giggled, while putting my hand down over my bare skin. “I think I just felt the baby moving.”

  She smiled and folded her hands together, putting them up to her face. “That’s so excitin’. I’ll never forget feelin’ my kids movin’ around. Soon Parker will be able to feel it too.”

  As the fluttering continued I became overwhelmed with excitement. My baby was alive, and while still growing inside of me, I’d felt that first sign of life myself. I immediately began to cry. All of my emotions were coming into play, reminding me how important every decision was going to be to my future. Just considering going back to my parents last night had filled me with regret. This baby was alive, and it was mine. There was no way I’d ever be able to give it up willingly. The route of running back home wasn’t an option.

  Since I was so angry with Parker I knew I was going to have to address what I’d discovered. I couldn’t stay in that small apartment feeling like he’d only betrayed my trust. Another problem that was bothering me was the fact that he’d been struggling with getting back into the good graces of his family. With my recent pregnancy changing things, I wondered if he’d only changed his mind about becoming a parent because he somehow knew they’d forgive him for his mistakes. If that was the case than he was just using me and the baby. I’d never be able to accept that.

  A little later I watched Parker walking on the path toward the farm house. I’d been sitting alone for a while, trying to figure out the best way to handle this predicament. My heart skipped a beat when he stood in front of me, leaning down to kiss me slowly. I kept my eyes open, afraid that if I closed them I’d be captivated by his actions. I couldn’t lose myself in him, not until all of the cards had been laid out on the table.

  “We need to talk.”

  He sat down next to me. “Okay. You seem upset about somethin’. Is it your dad? I told you, he’s got no clue where we are.”

  I shook my head and stared down at my hands, hoping that I could be open-minded enough to hear him out. “Parker, I love you, and I know I promised not to ask ever again, but as your wife-to-be, I think I have a right to know. What’s the secret?”

  I saw his body tense, as he looked out at the field next to us. “Don’t start this again, Cam. Everything’s good between us.”

  “I want you to tell me, or there won’t be a wedding.” My lips started trembling as the words came out of my mouth. I had a grand to my name, nothing to show for, and a little one that was going to be born before I couldn’t make enough to prepare for him or her. This wasn’t something I was taking lightly.

  He scratched his head, shuffling around in his seat, showing me just how uncomfortable he was. “If I could tell you, I would. Trust me, it’s not just my secret to tell.”

  My left eyebrow cocked, as I peered right at him. “If it’s not your secret then why did it cause strain between you and your family? Instead of lying to me, you need to come clean. Look at me, Parker. I’m pregnant. I’m carrying your child. Do you really want to risk me leaving for a secret? You can trust me.”

  He stood up and placed his hands inside of his pockets. I watched as he refused to face me as he spoke. “I can’t.”

  Immediately, before I could react myself, he was on his knees in front of me. “Cam, please hear me out. This has nothin’ to do with us. Don’t walk away from our future. I’m beggin’ you. Don’t take my kid away.”

  I couldn’t help it. I started laughing loudly. “I’m just curious, is that the same sentence you said to Ashley when she told you she was pregnant, or did you know immediately that you didn’t want them?”

  His face turned white. Parker’s shock caused him to lose his footing. He leaned back against the porch railing and covered his face. “This isn’t happenin’.”

  I stood up, getting as close as possible without touching him. “Oh it is. You see, if you want to keep a secret from me, it’s probably best if you turn off your damn phone before climbing into a car with the mother of your twins.”

  I watched my tough football player boyfriend fall to shambles in a matter of seconds. He fell to the ground, kneeling before me, reaching for my waist. I let him hold me, but wasn’t by any means finished with this conversation.

  “Did you really think it was a good idea to lie to me? Were you never going to tell me?”

  “It’s not like that, Cam. It’s not just me that could get hurt.”

  “You think I don’t know that? Do you really think I’d want to hurt your brother and Ashley? They’ve been nothing but nice to me ever since I met them.” It bothered me that Parker treated me like an outsider. I knew it was because of this secret. “I’m so disgusted with you, Parker. You’ve known about those twins since we started dating. The whole time we’ve been together, every time you took me to bed, each and every night we laid together planning our future, you knew you had twins by another woman.”

  I had to get away from him, before I let my knee come up and kick him in the face out of sheer anger over all of this. I don’t even know if it was my pregnancy hormones fueling this. I think that I’d never felt so betrayed in my life.

  “Just let me explain, babe.”

  I pointed toward him as I backed away. “Don’t you dare call me babe. I can’t even look at you without my skin crawling. Our whole relationship has been a lie. How could I have been so naïve to let you back in?”

  “We love each other,” he pleaded. “You love me. I know you do. We can get through this. Just sit down and let me explain.”

  “There’s nothing you can say that I don’t already know. I’m fully aware of what you gave up, and your reasoning for doing it. I also know that you were happy when we started dating, which tells me a lot about the person you really are. Never once did you seem conflicted about anything. You’re either a great actor, or a heartless asshole. Either way, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget that.”

  I began walking down the path with a plan to lock him out of the apartment for a little while. I needed space. All of my emotions were causing my head to hurt, and my heart rate to increase, neither of which were good for my baby.

  “Cam, wait. Where are you goin’?” I could hear him following me.

  By this time tears were steadily falling down my face. I’d tormented myself with this truth for the whole night, and now I couldn’t contain the sheer pain it had brought me.

  “I need to get away from you. I can’t look at you right now without hating you. Leave me alone, Parker.”

  “Babe, Cameron, please don’t do this. Don’t shut me out. You don’t understand. Our baby isn’t the same. I want to be a father. I swear I do.” His voice was breaking, letting me know how much despair he was in. I couldn’t turn around, because I knew I’d want to comfort him. I couldn’t let him see me weak.

  “Just leave me alone!” I whispered.

  By the time I’d made it to the steps I no longer heard him behind me. I refused to look back to see where he was. I knew he was crying, which broke me into pieces. That was the man that I loved more than anything. I’d given up everything to be with him. Now I was carrying his child, and with the revelation of his past lingering in my mind, I wondered if anything would ever be the same.

  It wasn’t hard to fall on the bed and lose myself to my own confusion. I was a wreck and couldn’t fathom how he’d gone for so long without seeing those twins. What kind of man could sit there knowing they were his without regret? How could he look at me with that smile without breaking down? Isn’t that what a normal sane human being would have done?

  As
the hours passed I’d come up with no resolution. My heart was shattered, and I couldn’t come to terms with what the future held for me. All I knew was that I still loved Parker. I was angry; so angry that I didn’t want to be around him, but I still loved him.

  A knock on the door caught me off guard. It was in the middle of the afternoon, so I figured it was either Parker’s aunt, or maybe even his mom. I opened the door and the person staring back at me finally gave me that reason I needed, to want to stay. Unfortunately, it was too late.

  Chapter 28

  Parker

  After the falling out with Cameron, I went straight to work. My dad picked me up at the shop, immediately seeing that I wasn’t in any real shape to be productive. Once we’d reached his place of business he put the truck into park, but didn’t get out of the vehicle. “What’s going on with you, son?”

  “Cameron knows about the twins, dad. Ashley picked me up from college yesterday, and apparently I butt dialed her. We were discussing the twins, and she heard everything.”

  “Damn. What were you and Ashley saying?” I knew he wanted details, because he didn’t trust me.

  “She wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to be a problem for her and Shayne, seeing as Cam’s pregnant. I think Ash was just scared that I’d go back on my word.”

  “Son, I hate to say it, but you’ve made your bed. The consequences are finally coming full circle. It’s up to you to make things right. I wish I could help you, but I can’t. Honestly, I don’t even know if I have any good advice to give. This is what your mother and I were afraid of. How are you ever supposed to go through life knowing they’re your children?”

  I covered my face, breaking down right in front of my father. “What have I done?” I cried, so hard that I could feel my body shaking. This wasn’t just because Cameron knew my secret. No, this pain was deriving from almost three years of buried guilt. My mind filled with Becca and Eli. I’d watched them growing, silently from the sidelines of my own sad life. I’d seen my own eyes in theirs. Had it not been for Shayne and I having the same features the whole world would have known the truth.