Sing As We Go

by Margaret Dickinson

  ‘Mm.’ Ron was thoughtful. ‘So . . . he’s marrying to get a built-in housekeeper and mother for the boy and you – well, if you do agree to it – you’re marrying him just to be with your son?’

  Kathy bit her lip and nodded. ‘Put like that it does sound a bit – a bit calculating.’

  ‘Oh it is, Kathy. It is. All I would say to you, my dear, is think very carefully about it before you give him your answer. Just think, what’s going to happen when James grows up and leave home? What then, eh? Do think about it, Kathy.’

  ‘I will, Ron. I promise. I’ve got these two weeks and by then I’ll know what I should do.’

  Everyone in the concert party welcomed Kathy with open arms, and Rosie was ecstatic.

  ‘I’ve missed you so much. There’s no one else I can talk to like I can talk to you. Have you heard? Martin’s on bombers now and I’m so terrified . . .’

  ‘I know, love. I know,’ Kathy comforted her, but she couldn’t in all honesty voice the words that the young girl wanted to hear. She couldn’t reassure her that he would be all right, that he would come through. The life expectancy of anyone flying in bombers wasn’t good, and for a rear-gunner it was even worse.

  ‘How’ve you been? How’s that little boy you’ve been looking after? Are you enjoying it? I really can’t imagine why you’d want to look after someone else’s child.’

  Kathy smiled. If only you knew, she thought.

  The rehearsal went well, and Kathy slipped back into the routines as if she’d never been away. ‘I just daren’t risk taking Melody,’ Ron said. ‘These boys need to be treated just as though there’s absolutely nothing wrong. They’ll be ultra-sensitive to people’s expressions when they first meet them. Do you think you can manage it, Kathy? I mean, I’d rather you said now if you feel you can’t.’

  ‘I’ll be fine, Ron. Really. I’m prepared for it.’

  ‘Well, you’re a good actress. You’ve been brilliant in some of the sketches in the past. But I’ll warn you now – you’re going to need all your acting skills when you walk into that place.’

  The following night the members of the concert party were all subdued when they set off in the rattling bus to take them to the hospital. They were all thinking about how they were going to react and hoping that they would be able to greet the terribly injured men with respect and sympathy that was not overly gushing.

  However much they’d thought about it and steeled themselves, not one of them was prepared for the sight of the ghastly injuries the airmen had suffered. And the skin grafts they were undergoing were just as strange and frightening. But Kathy walked on to the makeshift stage with a broad smile and looked out over the sea of disfigured faces with a calmness she had not expected to feel.

  In the interval the cast congregated in a room that the hospital had set aside for their use. There were cups of tea and biscuits on a side table. As Kathy took a cup and poured milk and tea into it, Ron came to stand beside her.

  ‘All right?’

  She nodded. ‘I’m fine. I’m coping better than I thought I would. I knew I wouldn’t show revulsion, but I thought I wouldn’t be able to hide my sympathy for them. I guess that’s almost as bad.’

  ‘You did wonderfully well. I was watching. In fact, everyone’s been marvellous and we’ve got the worst over now. I don’t think even meeting them later will be so bad. You do know we’ve promised to mingle after the show, don’t you?’

  Kathy nodded. That part had worried her the most, but now she felt she could do it.

  ‘Some of the operations and treatments they’re receiving look almost as bad as the original injuries,’ Ron remarked.

  ‘But isn’t there a wonderful atmosphere? They laugh and tease each other,’ Kathy marvelled. ‘And they make jokes against themselves. I heard someone shout out something when we were doing that second sketch and he was poking fun at himself.’

  ‘I know, but you know what, this chap McIndoe, he doesn’t profess to be able to do the impossible and give them back their former looks, but to the lads here he’s already working miracles. He’s giving them hope for the future and that means everything to them. Everything, Kathy. They have such faith in him, it’s humbling to see it.’

  ‘They’re so brave. They must be in terrible pain sometimes.’

  ‘Of course they’re brave. That’s why they’re here, because they were brave enough to go out and fight a war for us. You’d be amazed at the number of DSOs and DFCs that are in this room right now. See that tall chap standing near the window with his back to us? He’s a DFC. They say his plane was shot down and on fire and instead of baling out as he could have done, he stayed with it until he was clear of a village and over open fields before he jumped. By then, of course, he’d been badly burned himself. That’s what I call bravery, Kathy.’

  Kathy set down her cup and saucer and smiled at Ron. ‘And now it’s up to us to show our appreciation. Do you think my usual finale is okay? All those patriotic wartime songs? Do you think they’ll like them?’

  ‘They’ll love them.’

  They did. The audience, which was mostly men with just a few female nurses standing at the back, clapped and cheered and catcalled for encores, and Kathy had to sing ‘We’ll Meet Again’ twice and ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ three times before they would let her leave the stage.

  As she walked back to the room where they’d all changed she was smiling, though her smile was tinged with sadness. This war had changed her life, and part of her wished she was still touring with the concert party, feeling she was doing her bit for the war effort and lifting the spirits of servicemen and women and war workers. But she couldn’t leave James; she couldn’t bear to be parted from him again. She might lose him forever. She might never see him again. A cold shudder of fear ran through her at the mere thought.

  She sighed. In two weeks’ time she must return to Saltershaven. And then she must give Henry Wainwright his answer.

  During the fortnight, the concert party played other venues as well as the hospital, but they returned there several times, on each occasion playing to a slightly different audience. Each time they mingled with the patients afterwards, drinking tea and talking.

  Kathy moved among them, laughing and chatting, each time looking straight into the patients’ eyes whenever she could. She ignored their facial wounds, their scarred and misshapen hands, and their slurred speech when it was their mouth that was affected. As she moved away from a young man from Liverpool who had been shot down over the Channel during the Battle of Britain, she glanced around the room and saw a tall young man standing alone by the window. It was the same man Ron had pointed out to her a few days earlier. The airman was watching her, but as soon as she caught his eye he turned away and looked out of the window.

  Kathy’s heart skipped a beat. There was something about the tilt of his head and the way he moved that reminded her so heartbreakingly of Tony. He was even the same height. Drawn irresistibly to him, she threaded her way through the throng until she stood just behind him.

  ‘Hello,’ she said softly. ‘Did you enjoy the concert?’

  He remained standing perfectly still, looking out of the window. He didn’t move, didn’t turn round and didn’t even speak.

  She could only see a little of the left-hand side of his face. It was badly damaged and his left ear was gone. Perhaps he can’t hear me, she thought. Gently she touched his arm. He started and spilt tea from the cup he was holding.

  ‘Oh, I’m so sorry.’ Kathy was contrite, gently taking the cup and saucer from his hand and setting it down. ‘I didn’t mean to startle you.’ She moved to the side and leant around him so that he could see her face. Perhaps he could lip-read. Perhaps . . .

  The man turned his back on her again.

  ‘Can you hear me?’ she asked softly. She saw him stiffen and knew that he could. He just didn’t want to face her.

  ‘My name’s Kathy. What’s yours?’

  Again, an uncomfortable silence.
r />   Kathy sighed. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude. I just wondered if you’d enjoyed our performance?’

  ‘Yes,’ he mumbled. ‘It was – wonderful.’

  Now it was Kathy who caught her breath, staring at the back of his head, at the broad set of his shoulders. His voice! Though it was muffled through swollen lips, the timbre of it was the same.

  ‘Tony,’ she whispered. ‘Oh, Tony. It is you. Oh, dear Lord, please say it’s you.’

  Forty-Two

  Slowly, oh so slowly, while Kathy held her breath, he turned towards her.

  The left-hand side of his face was cruelly injured, but now that she could see the right-hand side, she knew it was him.

  ‘Tony,’ she breathed, drinking in the sight of him. Tears filled her eyes. ‘Oh, Tony, why?’

  She only needed to say that one word for him to understand exactly what she meant.

  He stared at her for a moment. His left eye was half hidden by a drooping, scarred eyelid. His cheek was disfigured and raw. His mouth, that had kissed her so gently, so passionately, was twisted out of shape. But, strangely, the flames that had engulfed him had hardly touched the right side of his face. His right hand was whole, while his left was misshapen and clenched into an unusable fist.

  ‘Isn’t it obvious?’ he asked harshly. ‘I wish you hadn’t come. If I’d only known, I wouldn’t have come to the concert that first night, but I never dreamed for one minute—’ He sighed and swept his good hand through the wispy hair on the right side of his head. ‘And then – when I knew the party was coming again, I – I couldn’t resist just one more sight of you. Please, Kathy, just go. Leave me . . .’

  She stepped towards him, so close that she could feel his uneven breath on her face. ‘I’m going nowhere.’ She touched his face with tender fingertips. ‘Darling, why didn’t you tell me you were alive?’

  ‘Looking like this?’

  ‘Looking like anything! I’ve been heartbroken, believing you dead.’

  ‘But – but you went away. You left Lincoln. Mother said . . .’

  ‘Ah yes, your mother,’ Kathy said bitterly. ‘But for your mother, we’d have been married.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘And you didn’t write . . .’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Is that all you can say, Tony?’

  ‘I don’t know what else to say. If I could turn back the clock, believe me, I’d do it all so very differently, but it’s too late now.’

  ‘What – what do you mean? Too late now?’

  When he didn’t answer, her heart felt like stone. ‘You – you mean you’ve met someone else?’ She tried hard, but now, she couldn’t help her voice from breaking. The last few days, seeing all these poor boys, had been emotional enough, but now finding that Tony was alive, was just too much. Her head dropped and the tears flowed. She buried her face against his shoulder and wept.

  ‘Oh, my darling, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.’ With his good hand he stroked her hair. ‘Just go, Kathy, and forget all about me. Please. For the sake of the love we once had for each other, please just go.’

  She pulled away and stood in front of him, dabbing self-consciously at her eyes, aware that others in the room were watching her. Ron pushed his way towards her and took her arm.

  ‘Kathy, we should go now.’ His voice was stern. He thought that she had let him down, that she had not been able to hide her pity for the injured airmen.

  ‘You don’t understand, Ron. This is Tony. My Tony. I thought he was dead, but he isn’t. He’s here. He’s alive.’

  Ron stared at the young man.

  ‘I’m sorry, young feller,’ Ron said, smiling and putting out his hand to shake Tony’s. ‘I didn’t – ’ he stopped, cleared his throat and changed what he had been going to say – ‘realize.’

  Tony smiled a little lopsidedly and murmured ruefully, ‘You didn’t recognize me, you mean.’

  Ron looked embarrassed for a moment, but Tony laughed and said, ‘It’s all right. You couldn’t be expected to. Besides, I’ve been trying to stay out of the way all evening. I – I didn’t want Kathy to see me.’

  Before he could bite back the words, Ron echoed Kathy’s feelings. ‘Why ever not?’

  Tony groaned with mock irritation. ‘Not you as well, Mr Spencer. Isn’t it obvious?’

  ‘Not to me, young feller. This lass here’s never stopped loving you, despite what happened and then there’s—’

  ‘No, Ron. Don’t . . .’ Kathy butted in, afraid that he was about to divulge her secret.

  Ron glanced at her and looked shamefaced. ‘Sorry, lass,’ he muttered and turned away. ‘I’ll leave you to sort it all out, but the bus’ll be here in half an hour. We’ll have to go then.’

  He moved away, and despite the crowded room, the two young people felt as if they were alone.

  Kathy had recovered a little and was able to say more calmly now, ‘You’ve got someone else?’

  ‘Of course I haven’t,’ he said impatiently, as if talking to a stupid child. ‘How could you think that? There’s never been anyone else but you . . .’

  With a sudden lift in her heart, Kathy was even able to tease him gently and say, ‘You mean, since you met me? There were a few before, if I remember rightly.’

  He groaned and closed his eyes. ‘Oh, don’t remind me.’

  Then her face sobered again and she shook her head. ‘But you still don’t want to marry me?’

  ‘How can I? How can I expect you to live with – this?’ He gestured angrily towards his damaged face.

  For a moment, she wasn’t quite sure how to handle the situation, how to answer his question. Deliberately, she put her head on one side and appraised him. ‘You always did have an over-inflated opinion about your own good looks,’ she said bluntly. It was not the truth and he knew it, and he realized too what she was trying to do. ‘I don’t see so very much difference.’ Then she softened her tone and touched his arm. ‘You’re – you’re still my Tony. Still the man I love, and I’ll tell you something, Tony Kendall. You won’t escape so easily this time. This time, you’re going to marry me whether you like it or not.’

  ‘Did you tell him?’ Ron asked quietly without preamble as he sat down next to her in the bus. Above the noisy engine, the rattling of the windows and the chatter of the rest of the party, no one could hear what they were saying. ‘About James?’

  Kathy shook her head and said huskily. ‘I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to think I wanted to marry him because of James.’

  ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ Ron said mildly. ‘If you go back to Wainwright and tell him the truth that he’ll be only too happy to hand the boy over to you.’

  Kathy stared at him. ‘How did you know?’

  Ron smiled. ‘Because it’s what I was thinking. From what you’ve told me, it’s a possibility. But no more than that. It’s not a certainty by any means. And I don’t want to see you getting your hopes up for a perfect ending to all the unhappiness when, my dear, it might not happen. I don’t want to see you getting hurt all over again.’

  ‘But – but I can’t marry Mr Wainwright.’ She paused and smiled at herself. The very fact that she still referred to the man who had proposed to her as ‘Mr Wainwright’ said it all. ‘Not now. Not when Tony’s still alive. Oh, he’s still saying he doesn’t want to tie me to him, but I know I can persuade him. Given time.’

  Ron sighed. ‘Are you sure? When he leaves here, won’t his mother want him back to look after him?’

  ‘I . . .’ Kathy began and then stopped. Carried along in a fervour of happiness because Tony was alive, imagining them being married and living with their son, she had not stopped to think of all the things – or rather people – who still stood in the way of their happiness.

  She groaned, closed her eyes and leaned her forehead on the cool glass of the bus window. Why, Oh why, was she so impulsive? Why did she never stop to think things out?

  Then she raised her head and turned to
look straight into Ron’s worried eyes. ‘I do know one thing, Ron. No matter what, I’m going to marry Tony and I will fight for my child. Our child.’

  Ron nodded. ‘I wouldn’t have expected anything less, my dear. Not from you, but I really think you should tell Tony the truth before you marry him. He deserves that at the very least.’

  It was three days before the company were due to appear again at the hospital and Kathy felt unable to break her commitment with the party. She sang and acted, but now her heart wasn’t in it. She wanted to rush back to the hospital to see Tony.

  On the day the of next concert, Kathy sought out Ron. ‘We’re not rehearsing today, are we?’

  ‘No. I thought we all need a bit of a break before the show tonight.’

  ‘Good, then you won’t mind if I go over there to see Tony and meet you there tonight?’

  ‘No, of course not, dear. Break a leg.’

  Kathy giggled. ‘Thanks.’ Then she winked. ‘It might be one way of getting into bed beside him.’

  ‘You little minx!’ Ron chuckled. ‘Get away with you.’

  As Kathy walked up the driveway to the hospital, her heart was hammering and her knees were trembling. She couldn’t remember when she had felt so nervous, except perhaps the time she had been waiting for Henry Wainwright to make his decision over whether to employ her or not.

  She’d been so sure that Tony would want to marry her, but now she realized she’d bulldozed him into it. She hadn’t given him the chance to tell her how he really felt. She’d taken it for granted that he’d been thinking of her, that he hadn’t wanted to saddle her with marriage to an invalid. Goodness knows, he knew enough about invalids and what it could do to a marriage! And now, today, she was going to tell him the whole truth and perhaps he wouldn’t want to marry her then. Perhaps he would think she was pushing him into marrying her so that they could adopt James . . .