London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  I really do want everything she wants. She wants me to have more tea… I fill up, stuff myself… but she’s the one who makes me stand up… walk over to the shutter… she wants to show me something… right there in the shutter… in the ivy… Ah! Yes! I can see through the glimmer… the tiny eye of the sparrow… Ah! Even he was on the lookout… Tweet!… Tweet!… You bet he sees her! Now this is something really extraordinary! A big bold sparrow with ruffled feathers! Just like her!… Waiting… peering… gazing at us with his tiny round eye through the slit… itsy-bitsy eye in a pinhead… all black and glossy with his tweet! tweet! tweet!…

  “He’s waiting too…”

  She lets me know… Just so I’d understand… so I’d be as patient as the sparrow. She laughs.

  Curious how looking back after ages and ages, from practically the next century, I still think about that sparrow… She was the one who showed it to me… Whenever I see a shutter, a thatch of ivy, I always think about its tiny eye… Ah! When you come down to it you don’t bring back much to remember from a whole lifetime made up of petty hassles, wild brawls and promises – I mean not much pleasant… well, just a few measly scraps… life’s not exactly crawling with such occasions… Everybody knows what I’m talking about… For me that little sparrow is something I’m always happy to remember… I want it to stay right where it is… it’ll fly away once I’m dead and gone…

  The kid was one clever cutie… chatting me up skilfully… psyched me out as sensitive, hooked… because I was all ears for her prattle… so then she talks about her big dog, her spaniel… and here he comes… big paunch… coughing, trotting like the Colonel… like her uncle… The animal’s hopelessly clumsy, pretty old already, wheezing, drooling, she does his thinking for him, it’s wonderful how she thinks and speaks in her dog’s place… for him… and he’s as glad as could be about it… wagging his tail… it’s goofy but magical… I’d like to understand the spaniel, the bird, plus her just like that… ah! Plus every animal… horses too, for Christ’s sake… I’d like to carry her off with me… a fairy… What joyful power. It’s joy. I’m bowled over… so happy there right next to her… I fawn all over her!… It puts knots in my chest when she stares at me… makes me go all tickly inside… to hear her English, so lively, so whimsical, a twittering garland in the air… full of secrets, rascally… Ah I had no idea… that dog’s a mischief-maker!… Ah! I ask to hear more!… For her to keep telling me stories about Slam, that clumsy creature… ah! Give me more!… It’s absolutely delightful! Absolutely divine!… No kidding, she’s a real-life fairy! Much more than a child!… The dog understands her too… they’re both talking about me, about my suit, my behaviour… he answers with his tail, he beats, paws the carpet… It’s true… You can see they’re in tune about everything… She must understand me too… Ah! All of a sudden it’s another world!… Now she wants to take a stroll… we stroll around the table… it’s the Garden of Earthly Delights… with the old spaniel… a nice threesome all in tune… I’m walking in a dream… she guides me by the hand… she leads our way into wonderland… from one little word to the next… about a lump of sugar… the pâté on her plate… the swallow due to arrive… Ah! Such magical theatrics… Ah! How I love this stuff!… Ah! How I love her!… We’re taking a stroll to fairyland!… And open your eyes, we’re here!… The whole salon all around is an enchanted fairy world!… I didn’t know… she teaches me… Ah! How I adore her!… Everything’s about to come alive… start talking… laughing… the big fat cushion and the old fleabag… plus the armchair!… The teapot with its long neck!… The entire household going all out!… Everybody and everything in on the act… dancing in its own way… miracle theatrics… the big, three-legged pedestal table… crosses the room with its potbellied swagger… almost like Boro… all this from one little word to the next, one little word from my fairy… and I understand everything! No more need for chat… One smile makes me understand!… And the enormous chandelier in the air… the immense candle-studded crinoline petticoat!… Dripping crystal tears… trickling all over!… An enormous scale… real fancy-shmancy!… Ah! This is all just so weird! My eyes are playing tricks!… I see all the candles! The wicks! I’m drenched in tears!… Chandelier tears! A big tomcat leaps on me… up from the cellar madly meowing… all velvety soft and warm… Meow! Meow!… He ni-nibbles… ni-nibbles… he’s got his own chamber music… and then in my ear, because he’s a confidant too!… We understand each other right off… Ah! I’m not myself any more… Ah! I can see into my heart!… into my own heart… solid red… Ah! I purr along with my meow cat… Ni-nibble!… Ni-ni-nibble!… Absorbed just like him! He sharpens his claws on my shoulders… Ah! How pleased Virginia is! Such a wonderful way to act!… Pretty Virginia!… I’m blissed out! Simple as that!… It sort of just sneaked up on me all by itself… just with one of her smiles!… She’s really behaving like a darling… outdoing herself… I ni-nibble… ni-nibble! I am her heart!… my heart… her heart!… Ah! I’m talking gibberish… I adore her like mad!… A peak of delight just the way things are… I just need to shut my eyes now… drop off… very gently… Nibb-bble! Nibb-bble!… Nibb-bble!… Drooling… defenceless in ecstasy under her spell… about time too! I’ve been all aches and pains for months… in my head… my hip… now I don’t feel a thing any more… just a gentle warmth… I let go… let them go ahead and execute me!… If they dare! If they dare! In a word I’m lulled, lulled… I forget… But somebody throws a rock at me!… It hits me right in the side… I jump with a start… shoot to my feet!… What a rude awakening!… The bad guys are here! I sit back down… If they’re keen on it, who cares! I’ll give myself up to the hangman… Her eyes!… Her hair!… A little girl! Before anything else! Ah I’d kiss her in full knowledge of what I was doing before I go to the gallows… before the final end!… Ah! The wonderful enchantress! With open eyes… but careful! Watch out, for Christ’s sake!… All of a sudden I’m choking… just been stabbed… by jealousy! Maybe she’s the Colonel’s daughter? And not his niece, by some chance?… Maybe his mistress?… His baby doll?… Ah! The question nags at me… Still more lies?… His mistress?… Who knows what else?… A dirty old man?… I see red! I’m burning up with jealousy! A raging inferno! I ask her savagely…

  “Your father? The Colonel?…”

  Ah! Learn the whole story! Pronto!

  “Oh! No! Not my father! My uncle!”

  What a beast I am! Such questions!

  “My father’s no more!…”

  Her fragile so graceful face… her small pointed chin starts quivering, quivering, in tears… Oh! I’ve distressed her!… Clod! Moron! Ah! The spell is broken… Ah! I’ve hurt her!… Ah! What sorrow!… I ask her to forgive me!… I’m sorry!… I collapse!… I’m going to die if she cries… I come right out and tell her!… Make threats… Ah! She’s got to forgive me!… She gives a little shrug… I want her to pity me… dog that I am, me too!… A dog! That’s all I am! A filthy dog!…

  “I’m a dog! A dog!”

  I bark!… Bark!… I’m showing her that I love her… that I adore her!… She thinks I’m full of horseplay, even so… I gesture… bark, behave like a beaten beast… run around under the furniture on all fours until my head hurts like hell… It’s all a little too physical for the likes of me… I’ve got this buzzing, and I mean through my whole head… plus the whistling… my head’s throbbing… all my chimes are ringing… my cauldron’s bubbling… I’m thundering… boiling over… rolling around on my belly!… Moaning… writhing on the cushions!… I want her to forgive me, I’m unworthy, unworthy… I’m simmering over with love… that’s a fact!… Ah! I’m in raptures!… True raptures!… I want her to understand me!… Maybe she’s still too young?… Maybe I’ll end up scaring her?… By flailing around this way?… And I bang my bad arm… it sends such a pain shooting through me I let out a howl, and I wasn’t fooling!… I mess up my suit, my handsome, brand-new suit. What a big waste!

  “Virginia!… Virginia!…” I plea
d… “This happiness is too… too great!…”

  I ask her to forgive me once more… ten times more… a hundred… I climb up into her lap… I’m going to let her hear my most tender prayer… I want to adore her until I die… That’s what’s in my heart!… And even more!… Death’s nothing… just a sigh!… But I’m sighing up a storm… I’m talking worship here, a hundred times more intense!… That’s just the way I am!… She laughs over seeing me so hot and bothered… wrinkling crumpling my whole suit jacket… She scolds me… Ah! I’m such a kick even so, despite everything… A one-man circus… She’s sitting there right in front of my face… nestled back in the armchair… laughing… legs crossed… those lovely thighs of hers… ah! I’m so ashamed!… Ah! I adore her!… She’s wearing short blue socks… Ah! She’s really just a little girl… Ah! Yet another danger! Ah! But I adore her!… Why have we been left alone together?… Why didn’t her uncle come back?… Maybe this is another trap?… My suspicions are back… A stab of doubt… of sharp fear!

  “Matthew! Matthew!”

  I’m sure!… Ah! I don’t find them funny any more… I get to my feet… quivering! Ah! I’m shaking in my boots again… obsessed by that cop!…

  “Sorry! Sorry, Mademoiselle! You’re too beautiful! Too wonderful… I’m going to die with my heart on fire!… Fire here!… Fire!…”

  I show her my heart… She touches my chest!… Ah! The way I make this child laugh… She still doesn’t know me!… In the end she makes me sore!… I’m going to sink my teeth into her!… Ah! I can’t think straight any more!… I look at her legs, those firm, muscular, wonderful pink legs down there… long… tan… I’m going to kiss those thighs!… I’m afraid! What if she sends me packing?… If she called to her uncle for help?… What a dirty pig I am!… Ah! I could gobble her down whole… ah! I adore her!… All or nothing!…

  She’s unfazed, doesn’t take me seriously… she just wants to talk about the movies… on and on about the movies now… she goes to see them on Regent Street!… Haven’t I seen The Mysteries?… Mysteries… Ah! Mysteries? Ah! She’s grating on my nerves… teasing me with perverse glee… Mysteries! Mysteries! I could tell her about a few mysteries that don’t turn up in movies, no way no how… the dirty little brat’s so frivolous with these mysteries of hers!… The Mysteries of New York* seems to be the title… Oh, brother, The Mysteries of New York! I could tell her about a few mysteries, all right, that are just around the corner! Horrible and tragic mysteries beyond any stretch of her imagination… cruel little girl!… And how terribly unhappy I am… Me, unhappy?… I surprise her. Ah! She’s poking fun!… With a beatific smile… She’s too young! She disgusts me!… I give her such a laugh… So I strike back!… In a flash! Enough!… Of these flirty games… I bawl her out, the dirty little snotnose! She makes me run through my list of insults… That’s how unhappy I am!… It’s all her fault, it’s not my arm… I own up, I’m war-damaged… Maybe she caught a glimpse of my arm? Of the state I’m suffering in? I peel away my clothes on purpose, show her… She touches… gives a little “Ah! Ah!”… and that’s the end of that!… She’s not exactly surprised… And what about my head, she get a look at that?… My ear?… Doesn’t scare her!… Maybe she doesn’t believe me?… These scars are the genuine article… maybe she thinks it’s all a scam? Like with her uncle? And Sosthène? That this was all one big costume party… She’s got eyes all the same… what does she think, it’s some magic trick?… Ah! Hell, she’s pissing me off all over again! Ah! So she wants to see atrocities?… The movies are doing a real number on her… Blood’s what they need to have in them, Mademoiselle… Now she’s looking at somebody who can tell a story or two about battle atrocities!… How the blood oozes all over the place! So, listen up, darling!… Me, live and in person, the one and only!… Plus the hail of bullets, such fun and games… the hell of combat! Bellies splitting open! Slapping shut! Heads blowing apart! Guts everywhere!… Gurgling!… Ah! Those slap-bang massacres! That’ll give her something to shudder about!… So listen up, honey!… Slaughter fests so red, so thick, they coat every square inch of the ground with a sludge, flooding the furrows with mashed flesh and bone, hillocks and hills! And overflowing ravines full of cadavers that still have a spark of life in them, still sighing! And the cannon rolling over them! Caught up in a charge! Oh yes, no exaggeration!… Whirlwinds, you heard me!… And then the transport vehicles! And then the whole cavalry trampling over them!… Over and over again! Banners unfurled and whipping in the wind… and such an incredible din… a roar filling heaven and earth! Ten! Twenty! One hundred thunderclaps! I imitate the screams from the carnage for her… the groans, the howls!… Doesn’t make any impression… leaves her cold, doesn’t even look like she’s entertained… Doesn’t she think I’m the world’s greatest hero?… Ah! Damn it now, this takes the wind out of me! The most fantastic combat-scarred soldier ever?… And here I am shouting myself hoarse!… Spitting, foaming… I charged too, Christ Almighty!… Badada… dee… I show her! At the head of the toughest squadrons!… The fiercest!… The most ferocious!… I outdo myself!… It’s got nothing to do with the crap in the movies, got to admit after all!… All these wacky goings-on give her the jitters! Ah! How about this one!… An earthquake when the division rushes into battle! This is the big time! At the Batteries! Come on, you old nag!… Breaches!… Bullets flying like crazy!… The whirlwind of the cavalries!… Bats out of hell!…

  The whole thing gives her a big laugh!… Ah! Little dummy!… She just doesn’t get it! I collapsed, that’s a fact!… Plopped back into my armchair!… Really shook up… wiped out… a waste of breath!… Such nastiness!… The spell was broken!… I should have spared myself the trouble…

  Later on in life you come to terms… deal with everything… make do, stop your singing… you ramble on… then drop to a whisper… then fall silent… But when you’re young that’s damn tough! You need bigger than life! Blowouts! Marching bands! And whoops, look out! Ka-boom! Thunder and lightning!… You’ve got high standards!… Truth is death!… I gave truth a good run for her money as long as I had it in me… flirted with her, feasted her, flung her around in a little jig, put fresh life into her time and time again!… Decked her out in bows, made her juices flow in farandoles that went on and on… Alas! How well I know that a moment comes when it all falls apart, gives way, gives out… how well I know a day comes when your hand drops, drops back alongside your body… A gesture I’ve seen thousands and thousands of times… the shadow… the last strangled breath… And all the lies have been spoken! All the announcements sent out, the three knocks are going to ring out somewhere else!… To signal the start of other comedies!… Get me, you slobbering brat? Look at me!… Now it’s my turn to entertain you, sing you a ditty, “This little piggy!”… No, better yet, give me three fingers!… Now we’ll hear the adventures of the fourth!… The wiliest… the smallest… the most famous… your little pinky… the one that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home!… Back then I had big ideas about myself… I aimed to create terrific fireworks when the mood hit me!… Sometimes I fizzled!… Got to come clean, admit it… with Virginia, zero… she didn’t want anything to do with mysteries, she thought listening to me was a kick, kind of funny, nothing more… she didn’t take me seriously… I was just some Frenchman after all, no doubt… she was English… I wanted her to see me as a romantic, not as some phoney clown, some sideshow comic like Sosthène… I tried showing her everything, my arm, the hole in my head, my scars, the long ones, the short ones, even made her feel my skull, but I didn’t scare her, not one bit!… Ah! Callous! And in a way I found surprising in such a young girl!… A cynic deep down!… Ah! Slowly it dawned on me!… I was the one under her spell, swooning! In raptures, her victim!… Ah! I stroke her hair! Never mind!… I run my hand through her curls, so thick, so deep!… Ah! The electricity of her soul! I tell her about it! I fall into a swoon! Feel her full charge in my fingers! Ready to put my hand between her legs!… Down there I’d have hold of her soul! I tell her
as much, beg her!… Can’t get her soul off my mind… A cute, spiffy pixie, standing right there in front of me, so bright and so bitchy!… Ah! I’m ready to explode!… Can’t take any more!… I admired her magic… let myself be bewitched… want her to admire me… to love me truly madly deeply!… I launch back into my adventure saga!… Ah! I’m not through by a long shot!… There’s the one about how I rescued the captain! I want her to know everything! My extraordinary valour!… Dragging him by his hair across the entire battlefield… and he wasn’t some Goldilocks like her! No! No! Jet black! Short and spiky stuff, like on a horse! Between thick swarms of hot lead, literal clouds of smoke and bullets! The bombs falling so fast and thick the sky went dark… over both of us, the captain and me… I mimicked the gunfire for her, did my rendition of the whistles and blasts… Even after this she didn’t give a hoot! I was ludicrous! Wasting my breath!… And I was really going at it too!… flailing my arms around so much it hurt!… But I just stayed put! Didn’t touch her! A flop!… Didn’t make her tremble, shudder, beg for mercy, apologize a thousand times over! Cry for help! Throw herself in my arms! Ah! My beautiful girl! Ah! Have pity! Rotten slut!… True, she was a tease… maybe worked for the cops into the bargain, a stoolie, simple as that!… Which would explain her sly come-hithers… her thighs… this way she was behaving… in short, just what kind of joint had I stumbled into?… Cutest little darling in the world!… So I amuse her, do I! What an act! She’s putting one over on me! Turning on the charm for the cops!… Ah! You’re a pretty one, Mademoiselle! A real charmer, my balls! Ah! The little birdies! I’ll keep you lingering! She’s just waiting for the cops, end of story! The kid was in on it! Of course! Little Miss Innocent playing me for a sucker! She must be having fun!… And big jerk that I am, jumping around… it’s really true, a life of vice starts right in the cradle! Ah! A sudden thought! Those cops are taking their time getting here! If you ask me… they must be dawdling over at Matthew’s… He’s going to show up with them… I’m sure as hell… Even so I ask her: “Matthew?… Matthew?…”