London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  I’m dead serious.

  She doesn’t get it…

  “Don’t get it?… Don’t get it?… What a smooth operator!…”

  Ah! it’s damn awful how treacherous this is… bottomless pits of dirty tricks… Come on, got to give her a kiss still and all before I leave… it’s been eating at me for an hour… got to take the chance… it’ll be over… she was no better than Finette… when you really came down to it, all said and done… Two-of-a-kind no-good two-timing sluts!… But this one here, is she ever precocious! Jeez, what a nasty business all the same! I felt like letting out a howl… I wanted to be certain despite everything… one more go-around… I wanted to ask a question… to put my mind at rest… But she’s the one who launches into me.

  “You’re just like the movies!” That’s what she’s come up with! “You’re sad! And then you’re happy!…”

  That’s the impression my pantomime made… pretty unflattering… at present she was sure… I was like the movies! Like the movies or nothing!…

  Ah! I had no comeback for that! I could leave!… But how could I go back to being all alone?… No can do now… Right away I was frightened… I couldn’t live without her any more… ah! What a scary thought! Cripes! Never mind! I’ll stay right where I am, won’t budge… sorrow nails me to the spot… stand here glued down dumbfounded… without a clue… ridiculous!… All I could see now were her eyes!… How would I manage out in the world? I’d bang into everything… And what about the others? The two goofballs?… The thought set me off again! What the hell could they be doing? Were they ever coming down?… What catastrophe were they concocting up there under the rafters?… What a pair of first-class nitwits!… I had time to think about them even so in my helpless confusion… Ah! There was a surprise in store!… Some big deal in the works! Rats! I shake a leg! I force myself… Hey! I’ll bawl her out! She’s been rubbing me the wrong way long enough! I’m going to terrify her, for Christ’s sake!

  “You don’t have a care in the world!…” I go to her. “Not a care in the world, little birdbrain! Don’t you know? I’m going to kill myself tonight!…”

  Now that was a stroke of genius.

  “You?… You?… You?…”

  She refuses to believe me… I can see the merry twinkle in her eyes… What I wouldn’t do to blow away Little Lambykins! I rack my brain again… give up… nothing I do works with her… How I’d love to make her moan, writhe, roll around, wail through her tears, the little bitch! Ah! so you’re waiting for the cops!… The thought’s back on my mind… I’ll give those cops a show! Me! I’ll knock off Sosthène! Do you hear me? Rotten clown! Crook! Stoolie! Smash him! Wouldn’t that outdo anything in the movies? Plus her uncle at the same time… hell, yes!… While we’re at it! Dirty little bungling Colonel! A wholesale slaughter! Buckets of blood! So much for the young miss! A massacre right in the salon… I’ll fill the room… with puddles!… Pools!… Streams!… She wants a real-life movie! I promise her my own death, she giggles… well then, she’s going to see something else! She’s going to see a threesome die! A tensome! A dozen! The servants along with us. A mass murder! Like at Prospero’s… like at Claben’s!… And then I’ll torch the place!… She’ll see real good whether I dreamt or not!… They’ll all see real good whether I’m kidding! Ah! I’m going to kiss her… before things get cooking!… She doesn’t want to, forget it, she ducks away, plays hide-and-seek!… I can’t do anything right!… Heaven in her eyes!… Little spinning top!… Ah! She’s so beautiful a miracle!… I forget everything just looking at her!… Ah! I’m losing my mind! My memory! Ah! I drop to my knees!… Gladly she takes my head on her lap!… Ah! Dear wonderful creature!… Ah! The mushy words that come back to mind!… I’m melting under her touch! Melting… I ask her to forgive me! Again! The day’ll come when I cut out my tongue!… I roll around at her feet… the others’ll see me… She’s laughing again… Ah! How cruel she is!… Here come those confounded servants! You’re never left in peace for long… they’re bringing the table settings, it’s almost dinner time… scurrying back and forth, opening doors… I catch the aroma from the kitchen… my nose knows! It’s leg of lamb… definitely… I sniff… can’t control myself… Shame!… How hungry I am!… Still hungry!… Yes!… Before dying, before suicide! the wholesale slaughters! Yes! Yes! Ah! the horror! Dirty little pig! I admit it! I’m rumbling with hunger… ravenous with pangs.

  “Will you stay with us?”

  She’s inviting me. She’s poking fun… I should leave… And so what about the mercury?… Forgotten… I forget about everything!… I’m going to see her uncle again! Sosthène! The whole family round the table! As though nothing were wrong!… Zero self-esteem left!… My pride flares up! The hussy’s laughing!… She can see I’m suffering… from shame and hunger!… And here I never wanted to eat again!… Had absolutely sworn not to!… From the kitchen more whiffs of lamb reach our noses… definitely leg of lamb… I’d vowed to die! Or at least run away!… But I’m already so tired… my head’s buzzing… from hunger!… I’m staying put, never mind… so I can croak? Fill my tummy?… I’m pulled both ways! So I can tarnish my oh so very tragic love?… She’ll never understand me!… She’s callow!… A darling… a fairy… but frivolous, a babe in the woods, flighty… she has me all wrong!… So should I bump her off then? Christ! She should make herself scarce!… Love her unto death?… I’m raving… I crack myself up!… I’ll kill her some other time!… So, chow down then! Come on, dig in! My appetite makes my head spin! The aroma reaching us… through the door… permeating… penetrating… I breathe in!… Start drooling… Star-crossed love!… It’s really tough!… Having a hard time holding back!… The leg of lamb!… I don’t look at anything any more… waiting for the roast… don’t give a damn about the others… Let them show up!… The knives are moving around… the settings… the crystal ware… goblets next… the champagne!… All stands ready!… the hors d’oeuvres… and sprays of roses!… Say, this is a real celebration!… All this expense for little old us?… Ah! Wait now, what’s that flask? Smack in the middle? The mercury!… My mercury! They’re throwing it a party! They’re throwing me a party! A flask like the other! A spitting image!… I recognize it!… As a centrepiece!… smack in the middle, sitting among the roses… they’re going to throw a party for my mercury!… All in the family, a chummy get-together! Ah! What a zinger! A real inspiration!… Ah! The perfect touch!… Ah! Right on target! I understand I’m being invited!… That they’re counting on me!… Oh God! They’re about to walk in… the whole crew… A spark of self-respect! Scram, Ferdinand!… I look at the lovely child!… She sort of smiles at me… Am I leaving? Staying? I blush… stammer… show the girl the flask!… Right there on top of the flowers smack in the centre.

  “Oh! How funny it is!…”

  I don’t find it one bit funny… you can see it’s not her doing… Strange ways of having fun around here…

  “Don’t pay any mind!… Don’t pay any mind!…”

  That’s all she can come up with… for me to take it as some sort of childish prank… I’m a despicable coward!… I’m all for surrendering… I’m going to hang around here a little while… I blush, but don’t budge… doddering… spineless… until the cops come!… And then they can haul me off!… The plot’s been hatched of course!… Planned out!… They’re all in cahoots!… I’m convinced deep down… this business with the mercury is the dot on the I, the crowning touch!… The mercury on the table! The flask! The movies!… Come and get it, Monsieur!… You bet I won’t forget Sosthène!… That stinking carcass!… The pimp was in on the con!… And I keep my eyes on the little darling standing in front of me! She’s a royal pain in my ass… I feel a burst of energy… So what about it, you little cock-teaser!… Cutie pie! What’s the name of the game you’re playing with us?… With the cats? The birds?… All the funny faces… the whole song and dance?… What’re you after?… With our play-acting… smokescreen… ruses… What if I pulled your panties down?… And spanked
the hell out of you?… Shameless hussy… what would you say about a little number like that?… We’re not talking little birdies! Your uncle’s got it right! Punishment on the spot! Ah! I’m feeling down in the dumps! So many things to decide! Can’t make up my mind!… About any damn thing!… Threats at every turn!… Wherever I’m drawn?… The proof?… That leg of lamb’s just about here!… I can smell it!… The full rich aroma coming in!… Tantalizing!… Coming up from the kitchen… the butlers bustling around… all this bustling makes my head spin… I sink back down in my armchair! Close my eyes…

  “Well, well, so here you are!…”

  Sosthène walks onto the scene, very jovial…

  “Ah! So it’s you, you son of a bitch!… You just wait!”

  Ah! He shakes me out of my stupor… ah! That bastard, I’ll wipe the floor with him!

  “You dare show your face, slimeball?”

  I collar him.

  “Come, come now! What a temper!…”

  He shoves me away with one hand.

  “Mademoiselle, excuse him!…”

  He’s ashamed for me! He’s apologizing for me!… The rules of behaviour! “You dirty bastard! You hear me, scumbag?…”

  I don’t want to drop it! I’m spiteful!

  “I’ll show you what I got in store for you!…”

  “Come, come now! Let’s calm down!… In front of this child!…”

  He begs me to respect her ears… extends his arm… leads me away… Ah! It’s the same old crap like with Boro!… They’re all one big pack of hypocrites!…

  Dinner’s on the table! Here comes the Colonel! And the twit! They’ve both changed clothes… in overalls, high rubber boots… the Chinese and operetta drag over and done with… both down to business… experiments all the way! Scientists on the job! Next to that I don’t exist any more… even with my three pounds six! Right off I lash out… grab his attention!

  “You’re a pretty sight, Sosthène! Have you been stealing too?”

  Pow, take that!

  “Not as much as you, you snappy dresser!”

  He was expecting my dig. We whisper friendly cracks to each other… don’t let each other be… the girl can’t hear anything… the Colonel neither… he doesn’t say a word… I watch him between his mouthfuls… he just keeps smiling straight ahead… his mind’s not on us… He’s a man wrapped up in his thoughts!… Every now and then he grumbles, “Hum! Hum!” then he helps himself to another big slice… ham, lamb… everything!… He’s got a hearty appetite… And there’s plenty to go around… you should see this spread!… I whisper to Sosthène again: “I’ll make you pig out, you dirty bastard!… I’ll give you a taste of the upper crust, you hear me, milord?… I’ll make you eat shit!…”

  He was really making me mad.

  And the mercury flask sitting there right in front of our faces smack among the flowers, it was there for a reason!… The joke was on me!… To see the sort of face I’d pull… Ah, they were wasting their time!… I didn’t give an inch, goddamn it, not an inch!

  “So tell me,” I go and whisper up against his ear again, “so tell me, you lousy creep, whether the others are coming… your buddies… your cop pals, you know who I mean?… You sack of shit!… Oh well, I won’t be leaving by myself! Cop! I’m warning you in advance, cop!…”

  “Shhh! Shhh! Now stop it, you scoundrel!”

  He’s offended… he finds me impossible!…

  “What a way to act!”

  He’s complaining… Ah! I’m pushing him over the edge! My behaviour’s way out of line!…

  “Be careful! Come on now! Shape up! You’re not back in the barracks! You’re making noise with your mouth! Not everything at the same time! Cut up your meat!”

  I was behaving poorly, that’s a fact, I was really worked up… it was his fault… the girl watched us whispering… fortunately the uncle wasn’t watching anything… he just kept staring into space… eating in a trance… swallowing everything without looking… as in a dream… the celery… a big sardine… then a huge hunk of Roquefort… And then some candy… a handful… he started the meal over again, backwards… beginning with the fruit… and the racket he was making, oh man! Chomping like a dog!… Ten times worse than me!…

  “Well, well! You’re not laughing, Sosthène?”

  Nope! Not one bit!… Right there right across from him… Wasn’t that funny? Wasn’t it? Well? Wasn’t it? Now there’s an asslicker for you!

  Ah! I wasn’t going to start up again bitching, bickering, pissing myself off! For what? It was pointless… It turns my stomach, but I just let it go, never mind, the hell with it! I’m all bickered out already… here we go then, a smile for all around!… That’s it, I’m a dumb jerk just like them, and calm, I act polite and proper, of course, I’m everything you want!… Are those cops coming? They can show up any time!… I’ll be waiting for them here, they’ll find me polite and proper! at my nice little family dinner, with the mercury in the centre of the table… the flowers… the smiles…

  *

  We’d barely had a chance to close our eyes… to snooze off at last in the armchairs… Nobody’d sent us packing… That was already a plus… and here Sosthène goes and wakes me up.

  “My friend, no more loafing now! You’re going to have to make yourself useful!…”

  The first words out of his mouth… bullying… Right off the bat he gives himself a promotion! He’s the one making me toe the line… passing on his “directives”…

  “Pop over to Rotherhithe! Go up and see Pépé! Tell her I’m feeling pretty good, I’m satisfied with the Colonel, and that she should bide her time like a good girl and not eat too much chocolate! And not get into too much trouble!… Or mess around with the catafalque! She knows what I mean!”

  He whispers to me: “Achille…” I understand… the mummy…

  “And tell her to give you my pipes!… Ah! Plus let her know in no uncertain terms that if she doesn’t stay quiet she’ll never see me again!… Make sure and tell her not to buy anything… or run up any bills for me!… Tell her I just may be stopping by to see her soon… if she behaves! OK! There you go! Right!… That’s everything you’ll need to say… Ah! Plus the most important thing of all! You’ll have to drop by the Ministry!”

  He gives my suit the once-over…

  “Now you’re dressed properly!… Ah! Do watch what you say.”

  He studied me…

  “You’ll do… mind your manners!… Get off at Whitehall… that’s a number-42 bus… you’ll see the buildings right away… it’s not hard… all the ministries in a row… on both sides of the avenue… you’ll need to find ours… they all look alike… So watch out!… The War Secretary… Just ask for directions… the Department of Inventions… You walk into the building, ask for the Special Office for the gas-mask competition – the rules, times, dates – and bring me back the sheet of instructions… And don’t lose it!… They say they’ve changed everything!… That they’ve moved up the trials… Hurry up! Be back before dark!… Don’t loiter around Rotherhithe… Don’t come back soused! Run your errand right!… Off with you now, and mind what you say! Don’t give out our address!… Ah! Nobody gets any addresses! Never an address! Especially not Pépé!…”

  “Count on me, Monsieur Sosthène! You won’t find many who can keep their lips buttoned like me!…”

  His advice was irritating the hell out of me…

  The Colonel lent an ear, approving every last detail… nodding… bam! All at once, he jumps to his feet… Look out! Like last time when he felt a piss coming on…

  “England! England rules the Gas!”

  He’s off again, howling… not his prostate any more… he sits down again… end of show… drops back into his stupor, staring straight out into space. His niece fusses over him.

  “Uncle!… Uncle!…” she murmurs very sweetly… full of affection…

  But Sosthène’s raring to go! He cuts short this little family scene! He wants to see some legwork, so
me action!

  “Down to work!…” he shouts… “Down to work!…”

  And he catches Uncle by his arm, grabs hold, leads him off… Ah! How awful to see characters like him in action! Thugs of his type! Such brass! Such arrogance!… He’s the big shot now! I can’t stand it… Sure, I could pick up and leave, drop the whole thing… That’s all he deserves! I think it over… Ah! And over… Can’t shake the thought… But what about the girl then?… The girl?… Drop her cold, leave her for the birdie, hand her to the bozo… no way!… Just let that sleazebag try and make me clear the hell out!… Ah! Forget it! I’d kill him first!… But what if I took her with me, kidnapped her! Ah! That would be wonderful!… Heroic and sublime!… Ah! I’ll ask her… I want her consent… I’m enthused… Ah! Fired up! My happiness is in sight!…

  “Mademoiselle!… Mademoiselle!…”

  I walk up to tell her right away… I stammer… stutter… lost my nerve… ah! Rather give it a little more thought…

  “I’m leaving!…” I announce… “I’m leaving! I’ll be back!…”

  They’re sort of surprised even so… me going off so obediently… following orders without any lip…

  Now I’m outside, on the pavement… the avenue… hobbling a little but at a good clip, delighted, head-over-heels with happiness… She’s an angel! She was a real-life talisman from heaven, a little girl like that! An idol of radiant beauty!… And her magic should save me for sure!… I was lucky in love!… And if the war ended pretty soon, maybe we could get married?… Settle down… Ah! My mind was running with the idea… spinning it out further and further… I pictured a hearts-and-flowers fantasy, a miracle… I’d be off the hook one way or another… some way somehow… rolling in dough I can’t tell you how!… Drowning in moolah… everything would work out miraculously… Swept along by my thoughts, my mirages, steaming hot, bubbling away, I couldn’t see where I was walking any more, blind to the streets, the passers-by, the bus! Completely swept away by passion! Faith! Joy! I sleepwalk my way into Rotherhithe… find the street… the house… land smack at the right address… and up the stairs! Four at a time! One door!… Another… I take a whiff… This is the place!…