Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  Play Collar

  A play collar is any collar that is worn primarily for utilitarian purposes during a BDSM play session. Typically, play collars are constructed of leather or metal, but they can literally be made of any material that is appropriate for the type of play that is going to take place. The most common type of play collar used in bondage scenes are constructed of durable leather and heavy-duty steel D-rings which facilitate the attachment of chains, straps, rope, or other restraints to the collar. Other types of play collars may include posture collars, neck corsets, steel lockable collars, rubber or PVC collars, medical (cervical) collars, ball gag collars, bit gag collars, or hooded collars. For obvious reasons, play collars are not common in the online BDSM culture.

  Collar of Consideration

  A collar of consideration is a provisional collar that is offered by a Dominant to a submissive that he is considering as a potential submissive who will presumably become eligible for a collar of greater significance and commitment at the end of the probationary period. It is typically used to give some recognition to the process of getting to know each other by formalizing a tentative commitment by a submissive to discontinue shopping for a Dominant while being considered by this one, and by the Dominant to treat her as his own for the duration of the agreement. The terms of this tentative agreement should be negotiated prior to the collaring, and are typically set to expire after a relatively short period of time. This is designed to prevent a submissive from being strung-along by an indecisive Dominant for an indefinite period of time. If, at any time during the agreed-upon consideration period, either party decides that a more serious relationship is not worth pursuing further, that party is permitted to unilaterally withdraw from the agreement without fault or blame. Collars of consideration are far more common in the online BDSM culture than they are in real-life. There are many reasons for this, including the inherent difficulty of getting to know someone in a purely online environment, the added complications related to role-playing, and an overabundance of the merely curious and clueless.

  Collar of Protection

  A collar of protection is similar in many ways to a collar of consideration, and in fact, there are usually a lot of areas of overlapping functionality. Most collars of consideration are also collars of protection; however, not all collars of protection are collars of consideration. The reason for this is simple. Sometimes, a Dominant will extend his protection to a submissive out of friendship or charity, even though neither person has any intention whatsoever of establishing a more serious relationship with the other as a consequence. The actual nature of the so-called protection offered to the submissive in these circumstances can vary widely from person to person. As a general rule, it includes offering advice and guidance, approving play partners and events, and interviewing and/or approving prospective Dominants who may wish to consider the submissive. A typical recipient of a collar of protection is a submissive who is brand new to the lifestyle, or perhaps one who has recently been released by her Dominant. One of the most useful aspects of a collar of protection is simply the way it serves notice to other Dominants that this submissive is being looked after by someone who is experienced in the lifestyle and has her best interests at heart.

  Training Collar

  A training collar is, for many submissives, the logical second step that follows a short period of consideration and decision to move forward into a more serious and committed relationship. It serves as recognition that, while a more intense and formal relationship is desired by both parties, there is still much to be learned by the submissive before a formal collar can be offered. Previously, if the submissive wore a collar of consideration or a collar of protection, her actions would not reflect upon the Dominant in any significant way. Now, however, every action by a submissive in a training collar reflects directly upon the Dominant, telegraphing to everyone his competence - or lack thereof – as a trainer of submissives. This can also be a period of great stress and contention as the Dominant and submissive adjust to their new roles in the relationship, and learn to reconcile their expectations and preconceptions with reality. Even those who have a great deal of experience in D/s and BDSM relationships will have a lot of adjusting to do, since no two D/s relationship dynamics are the same, and each individual has his or her own quirks, limitations, and unique character traits.

  The training phase is also where a Dominant and his submissive should work out the details of how they will handle conflict, what the rules and protocols that are unique to this relationship will be, how discipline will be applied when and if it becomes necessary, and what levels of trust must be achieved before the relationship can proceed on to the next level. Some of the other challenges which usually must be overcome by a submissive in training include learning how to properly process fear, doubt and distrust, rendering proper respect, avoiding excessive argumentation, and utilizing tact.

  Training collars are rarely assigned specific term limits, since the idea is to accomplish specific training goals during this phase. If those goals haven’t been met, the training theoretically continues until they are. It is therefore important to negotiate, from the very start, exactly what those goals should be, and what happens if they aren’t achieved.

  Formal Collar

  A formal collar may be known by a host of other names, including slave collar, full collar, or true collar. If one were to consider a collar of consideration to be analogous to a vanilla friendship ring, and a training collar comparable to an engagement ring, then the formal collar is the BDSM version of a wedding ring. It is symbolic of what is usually intended to be a lifelong committed and loving relationship between a Dominant and his submissive. Formal collaring ceremonies, similar to weddings, are often performed to commemorate and consecrate the beginning of the relationship. Collaring ceremonies typically include an exchange of vows, spiritual messages, and/or uplifting music, just as one might expect to see at a vanilla wedding ceremony. Some couples go so far as to have both a collaring and a wedding simultaneously, combining the two events into one. The symbolism of a formal collar obviously means different things to different couples, but it is often referred to as the ultimate gift of one’s submission and self to another; a manifestation of complete and total power exchange. Whatever form the relationship dynamic takes, it represents the highest level of commitment, love, respect, trust and devotion possible between two people.

  House Collar

  A house collar is essentially a temporary collar of protection that is offered to a submissive by a house, clan, family, organization, dungeon, or club for the express purpose of identifying the sub as someone who is being looked after by the group or establishment, and should not be aggressively courted without the establishment’s approval. House collars are often used as an effective way to offer a measure of security to unattached women, who are sometimes seen as vulnerable in BDSM environments that typically favor couples and/or aggressive Dominants.

  Everyday Collar

  An everyday collar is anything that can be worn in a vanilla environment to symbolize your D/s relationship. For many D/s couples, their everyday collar consists of a simple choker or traditional-looking necklace, with or without a pendant. An everyday collar need not necessarily even be worn around the neck; some people substitute a ring, bracelet, ankle bracelet, or tattoo. The important thing is that, at least in the minds of the D/s couple in question, the item designated as the everyday collar is firmly associated with and symbolic of their relationship.

  I’m often asked whether a collared submissive must wear a physical collar of some type to symbolize her commitment to her Dominant. The answer, of course, is “it depends.” It depends on her Dominant, and her own personal preferences. It’s very much like asking, “Does a married woman have to wear a wedding ring?” There are a lot of people who would reply, “Absolutely!” And yet, there are also those who’ll say just the opposite. A recent survey conducted by a wedding industry media group found that 28% of women said
they would turn down a wedding proposal if they didn’t like the ring! That says a lot about the importance - to some – of the actual ring that symbolizes their union. There are no statistics available on how many submissives would turn down a collaring proposal if they didn’t like the collar.

  Let’s reiterate what we said about the symbolism of a collar at the beginning of this section. Each individual collar will have its own symbolic meaning that is unique to the individuals in the relationship it represents. There are, however, general categories of collars which generally conform to the expectations and assumptions of the larger D/s and BDSM communities. If you happen to refer to your particular collar as a “training collar,” you should do so with the full awareness that the terminology you’re using will imply some very specific things to others in the lifestyle. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with blazing your own path as you explore and grow in the D/s lifestyle, but it can be considerably easier if we’re all at least speaking the same language.

  Slave Contracts

  In this and previous chapters, we’ve repeatedly emphasized the need for frank discussion and negotiations between any potential partners before entering into a D/s relationship. When these negotiations result in any sort of agreement, the terms of the agreement often end up in written form, and that document is sometimes referred to in the lifestyle as a slave contract, D/s contract, or TPE (Total Power Exchange) contract. For the sake of simplicity, we will be using the term slave contract for the remainder of this chapter, but do keep in mind the fact that, when we do, we are referring to a wide variety of D/s lifestyle contracts. You should also be aware that the topic of slave contracts is one of the most controversial subjects you’re likely to encounter in the D/s lifestyle. We’ll discuss the reasons for the controversy shortly. The predictable result of the controversy is a confusing hodge-podge of opinions – some authoritative, others not so much - on the utility and value of slave contracts.

  Before we wade too deeply into the various types of slave contracts that you are likely to encounter in the lifestyle, we should first clarify a few things about contracts in general. There are a lot of misconceptions about contracts and contract law will certainly complicate any attempt to apply those concepts to the arcane realm of slave contracts. Let’s begin by discussing some of the legal requirements that must be met for any contract to be valid and enforceable. They are:

  · Competency. Both parties must be legally competent to enter into a contract. That means they must be over the age of 18, may not be mentally incompetent, and they cannot be intoxicated or impaired.

  · Mutual Agreement. Both parties must agree to all terms of the contract. If either party disagrees with any portion of the agreement without the mutual disagreement of the other party, the entire contract is void.

  · A Legal Objective. A contract may not require the performance of an illegal act, nor have as its objective, an illegal act. Additionally, a person cannot enter into any contract concerning a right that they do not have.

  · Consideration. Consideration is a legal term which refers to something of value that is exchanged as a condition of the contract. In most cases, the consideration involves money or merchandise. Love, affection, loyalty, and gifts do not legally qualify as consideration.

  · Mutuality of Obligation. A valid contract mutually obligates both parties to something. If there is an absolute right to cancel by any of the parties, the contract is unenforceable and not legally binding.

  · In Writing. Verbal contracts are legal and binding, but they are virtually unenforceable.

  You don’t have to be a practicing attorney to notice a few things that immediately leap off the page at you, particularly if you’re reading it in the context of slave contracts. First, anyone under the age of 18 is not legally competent to enter into a contract of any kind, and yes, this includes people who pretend to be older in internet chat rooms. Second, all contracts must have a legal objective. In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution made slavery illegal in the United States. That makes any slavery contract, by definition, a contract that is not legally binding. Many slavery contracts also have provisions requiring the slave to be available to the Dominant for sex. Since the Dominant has exchanged something of value (the collar) as consideration, the contract could actually be considered a contract for prostitution by many states. Finally, many slave contracts contain clauses that essentially grant the right to either party to walk away from the agreement unilaterally, without penalties of any kind, which makes it a contract that is not legally enforceable.

  The bottom line? Slave contracts are neither legal nor enforceable in any court of law in the United States. Now, you may well ask, isn’t marriage a contract that often defies many, if not all, of those legal requirements? After all, people under the age of 18 marry all the time and, in most states, sex is a requirement for the consummation of the marriage. Additionally, most marriages don’t have a written contract spelling out all of the rights and obligations of the partners, and if you ask around, you’ll probably find no shortage of people who are willing to equate marriage with slavery. So, why are slave contracts illegal, while marriage contracts are not? Here’s why: A slave contract is a contract solely between two people; a marriage contract is a contract between a couple and the government.

  This subtle difference is, frankly, the same issue that is at the heart of the gay marriage debate currently raging in the American political arena. Nothing stops same-sex couples from entering into contracts that grant each partner the same legal rights and privileges that heterosexual partners are legally able to grant one another. In fact, a contract such as a general power of attorney grants more rights and privileges than any marriage does, such as the right to sign your partner’s name to a contract, or to access his or her private bank accounts! The issue at the heart of same-sex marriage is government recognition and participation in same-sex marriages, and the couple’s entitlement to the legal rights and privileges that governments grant as a condition of that contract. Some activists ask, why does the government recognize and reward some types of marriages, and not others? What are the legal or ethical arguments against slave marriages, plural marriages, arranged marriages, corporate marriages, child marriages, or even inter-species marriages? And no, simply posing the question should not be interpreted as advocacy for any of those notions, some of which are admittedly somewhat extreme. But perhaps it would be appropriate to ask, why is the government involved in the business of marriage at all?

  Slave contracts are fairly common in the D/s lifestyle, though you are far more likely to encounter them in the online BDSM culture than you will in real-life. The reality that slave contracts are neither legal nor enforceable makes little difference in an online environment where Masters often don’t even know their slave’s real name, age, or gender. The real problem with most slave contracts isn’t the fact that they’re not legal; it’s mostly related to the fact that even if they were legal, they’d still be unenforceable.

  Take, for example, the following verbiage which has been taken directly from a slave contract that is commonly used:

  “The parties shall conduct themselves in light of their goals at all times. The goals of the parties are detailed in Section 2(b) of this contract.”

  There’s a glaring problem with this sort of fuzzy language; it has no real legal definition. What, exactly, does it mean to conduct one’s self “in light” of something? How do you measure it? At what point does one’s behavior pass from being in light of a goal to not being in light of a goal?

  “The parties shall treat each other with mutual respect and honesty at all times.”

  That seems pretty straightforward. You’re probably thinking, what could possibly be wrong with that? Well, for one thing, contracts are designed to spell out the individual responsibilities of each party. That way, when one person fails to meet his or her obligation, that person is in breach of the contract. If a contract specifies mutual obligations, as this one
does, there is no way one person can be held responsible for a mutual obligation. The other major flaw in a line like this one is there is no definition of what constitutes respect. A Dominant may believe that respect demands that his submissive drop to her knees and genuflect whenever he enters a room; her idea of respect may differ somewhat from that.

  “The parties shall never abuse each other, violate the trust of the other, play mind games or engage in emotional manipulation with one another, other than as part of play between the parties.”

  Aside from the fact that there are no definitions for the terms abuse, trust, mind games, or emotional manipulation, the most conspicuous flaw in this contract verbiage is the “other than as part of play” clause. What this means, essentially, is that you’re allowed to do anything listed previously, as long as you later claim you were only playing.

  “Since the body of the slave now belongs to the Master, it is the Master's responsibility to protect that body from permanent bodily harm. Should the slave ever come to permanent bodily harm during the course of punishment or in any other slavery related activity, whether by intention or accident, it will be grounds for immediate termination of this contract, should the slave so desire. Permanent bodily harm shall be determined as: death, any damage that involves loss of mobility or function (such as broken bones), any permanent marks on the skin (such as scars, burns, or tattoos, unless accepted by the slave), any loss of hair, (unless accepted by the slave), any piercing of the flesh which leaves a permanent hole (unless accepted by the slave), any diseases (including sexually transmitted diseases).

  At least, in this instance, the contract writer made a half-hearted – though highly incompetent - attempt to define the terms being used. One of his definitions of “permanent bodily harm” is “death.” Would you be comforted to know that in the event that your Master intentionally or accidentally causes your death, that you have grounds for the “immediate termination of the contract?” Somehow, I doubt it.