Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  “The slave may not seek any other Master or lover, nor relate to others in a sexual or submissive way without the Master's permission. To do so will be considered a breach of contract, and will result in extreme punishment. The Master may accept other slaves or lovers, but must consider the slave's emotional response to such actions and act accordingly. Under no circumstance will the Master allow such actions to unbalance the slave emotionally, nor allow such actions to result in ignoring the slave.”

  Not only are we left to hypothesize on the true meaning of “relate to others in a sexual or submissive way,” but we’re also left scratching our heads over what it means to “consider the slave’s emotional response.” The Dominant would obviously be free to say, “I have considered it, and am dismissing it as unimportant.” Just to make thing fair, however, the submissive has a nifty little legal loophole of her own. No matter what the Master does, the submissive can always claim that his actions have emotionally unbalanced her, since there is no definition of what that means. Aren’t slave contracts fun?

  So, let’s recap. Slave contracts aren’t legal, and even if they were, they would be largely unenforceable due to fuzzy language and the general impossibility of defining such things as love, respect, abuse, manipulation, mind games, or emotions. Even so, slave contracts have always been around, and always will be. Get used to seeing them, and discussing them, and try not to laugh out loud when you do.

  The following are a few of the different kinds of slave contracts you may find being used:

  Master/slave Contract

  The Master and his slave enter into an agreement which requires the slave to relinquish all personal rights, property, finances and decision making powers to the Master. Typically, the slave is required to consider her “mind, body, and soul” to be the Master’s property, practice full disclosure of her thoughts and actions at all times, and give up the right to say “no” to any of the Master’s directives.

  Dominant/submissive Contract

  The terms of a Dominant/submissive contract are typically less stringent than those of the Master/slave contract. A Dominant/submissive contract gives the submissive the ability to choose which particular aspects of their lives she’ll turn over to her Dominant to control. It also often defines which parts of the relationship are real versus the parts that are role-played, and may set limits on what is, or is not, acceptable behavior for either partner. Though many submissives consider themselves “owned” by their Dominants, the reality is, they are submissive partners, not property.

  Online Relationship Slave Contract

  As we stated earlier in this chapter, slave contracts are far more common in the online BDSM culture than anywhere else, for fairly obvious reasons. An online relationship slave contract serves several purposes that are practically tailor-made for the internet culture. For example, when contact with your partner may be limited to just a few minutes or hours each day or less, it may be difficult to communicate one’s expectations and assumptions to your partner in the limited time that you have. It therefore becomes useful to have a document that can be referred to and studied when your partner is not online. It serves an educational function. The online slave contract also gives the partners in an online relationship something that is seemingly tangible and authoritative, in an environment where practically nothing else is. It makes the whole thing seem more real. Finally, online slave contracts help to instill a sense of obligation and responsibility towards the relationship, even though the internet culture in general seems to encourage just the opposite. The lyrics of a song called “Do You Want to Date my Avatar,” by Felicia Day and the Guild, illustrate this tendency perfectly: “And if you think I’m not the one, log-off! Log-off, and we’ll be done!”

  The major differences between online slave contracts and real-world contracts are the provisions which make certain allowances for the fleeting nature of online relationships, the time constraints, the anonymity of participants, and the disclosure of personal information. Since many online relationships exist in secrecy and in addition to the participants’ real-world relationships, the potential for wreaking havoc in each other’s personal lives is almost always high. Hence, there are almost always clauses in these kinds of slave contracts which emphasize the importance of discretion and privacy.

  Owner/pet Contract

  An Owner/pet contract is similar in some ways to a Master/slave contract, particularly in the sense that a pet is usually considered the property of his owner. But it is also similar to the Dominant/submissive contract in the way it specifies which parts of a pet’s life are to be considered under the jurisdiction of the Owner, and sets limits.

  There is one major factor which makes all Owner/pet contracts unique, and that is the amount of attention which must be devoted to the role-play aspects of the Owner/pet relationship. After all, slaves like to consider themselves real slaves, and submissives can actually be real submissives, but a ponygirl is not a real pony, and no contract can make her one. Therefore, a great deal of verbiage must typically be devoted to accommodating those differences.

  Scene Contract

  A scene contract typically applies to a single event or BDSM scene, but it can also be applied to specific individuals with whom you play on a frequent basis, even though there may be no significant relationship between them. Scene contracts are usually negotiated prior to an event, and should spell out what is supposed to happen during the scene, identify hard and soft limits, list safety precautions such as safe-words, and specify whether or not sexual or body-fluid contact is permitted.

  Your Collar, Your Commitment

  In this chapter, we’ve discussed the various types of commitments that can be made by anyone who might be considering entering into a D/s relationship. We cannot stress enough the fact that no two relationships are alike, and any attempt to force your existing or potential relationship into a cookie-cutter D/s relationship mold will likely result in a great deal of heartache for everyone concerned. The one-size-fits-all slave contracts that litter the internet as downloadable forms generally aren’t worth a damn.

  This lifestyle is full of people who will try to define your relationship dynamic according to their world-view or try to make your collar conform to their own notions concerning such things. Don’t buy into their delusions, and don’t allow them to project either their naïve optimism or their gloomy cynicism onto your symbol, your collar, or your relationship dynamic.

  Beware of those who would preach of a “One True Way,” as no such thing exists, nor should it.

  My Two Cents on Collars

  Ever since she was a little girl, Jade had always been fascinated with dragons. In college, she studied ancient mythology and as an adult she decorated the shelves at home with dragon figurines. A painting of a dragon hung on the wall above her bed, and a pewter dragon wrapped itself around the hilt of a large steel sword propped in a corner behind the bedroom door. Jade didn’t particularly care for tattoos, but if she was ever going to get one, it would most assuredly depict a dragon.

  Jade not only loved dragons, but she had always identified with them. That became less certain, however, after she experienced an odd dream. Jade always took her dreams seriously, particularly in light of the fact that the women in her family have always had a long history of prescient gifts bordering on clairvoyance, manifested mostly in visions and dreams. But this dream confused her. It had come at a turning point in her life. She and I had met and grown close while playing an online game, and we progressed over the following months to phone calls, video chats and planning a future together. As we were planning our first real-life meeting, she had this dream. Her dream was of a phoenix, the mythical bird of ancient Greek legend that was consumed by flame and reborn from the ashes to start life anew. She had always loved and identified with dragons, yet this dream seemed to imply that she was the phoenix, reborn out of the ashes of a former life, which had disappointed in so many ways. If that were the case, then perhaps her dream was tr
ying to tell her that the dragon represented her new Master.

  Interestingly enough, the symbolism of the dragon and phoenix had some significance to me, as well. When Jade told me of her dream, I was immediately reminded of the Asian depictions of these mythical creatures that I’d grown up with in Japan and Hawaii, where Asian traditions are commonplace. Asian folklore involving dragons comes primarily from China, where the dragon represents the highest-ranking animal in the Chinese hierarchy of animals. Historically, the dragon was revered the symbol of the Chinese emperor, while the empress was represented by the mythical fenghuang, more commonly known to westerners as the Chinese phoenix.

  I researched the symbolism of the dragon and phoenix together. I learned that in both ancient and modern Chinese culture, the dragon and phoenix together are considered a yin and yang metaphor, and because they are symbolic of the blissful relations between a man and wife, they are often used as symbolic of weddings and new beginnings.

  Each part of the Chinese phoenix’s body was associated with a particular virtue. The head represented virtue, the wings represented duty, the back represented propriety, the abdomen represented belief, and the chest mercy. In both China and Japan, the phoenix exemplified the sun, fire, justice, obedience and fidelity. The more I learned about the symbolism of the dragon and phoenix together, the more I believed in and appreciated the power of Jade’s dream. I set out to find the perfect collar for Jade, one that would not only honor her dream and her new beginnings, but would represent all of the things that we hoped for in our relationship as Master and submissive.

  A few weeks later, at our first real-life meeting, I presented Jade with her new collar – a simple gold chain with a pendant comprised of a disk-shaped ring of jade with a center inlaid with an 18K gold depiction of a dragon and phoenix together. From that day forward, for the next six years, that collar was never dishonored and never left her neck until the day we were compelled to go our separate ways.

  Even then, her collar did not lose its meaning or significance, and it never will.

  "It is strange," he said, "I have faced sleen and the steel of fierce enemies. I am a warrior, and am high among warriors. Yet you, a mere girl, would conquer me with a smile and a tear."

  ~ John Norman, Slave Girl of Gor

  Chapter 7: The Gorean Way

  There are many in the D/s and BDSM lifestyles who believe that any discussion of Gor and Gorean tradition would be more appropriate to a forum related to fantasy and science-fiction than in any conversation about relationships and sexuality. In fact, there is no shortage of people who typically react to the merest mention of Gor almost viscerally, with much hostility and resentment. What causes them to respond so negatively to anyone or anything seemingly connected to the Gorean way? The answer lies in two little words: the internet.

  For close to twenty years, internet chat rooms and online virtual worlds have been overrun by millions of Gorean role players, many of them teens and young adults seeking a fantasy role play world that would push their sexual limits in ways that Dungeons & Dragons never could. Even though the Gorean novels upon which this fandom is based had already been widely read for over twenty years, the sudden and geometric growth of internet chat in the 80s and 90s allowed virtually anyone to assume the role of a Gorean slave master anonymously and, for the most part, unchallenged. To muddy the waters even further, many of these role players, drunk with their very first taste of power over another human being, deliberately set out to blur the lines between their role play activities and real life by concealing their ages, experience levels, and the fact that most of them were still in high school. As a result, an astonishingly large number of curious and bored middle-aged housewives were sucked into the charade, and suddenly found themselves slaves to deceptive and sadistic teenagers who, more often than not, had never read a single page of any of John Norman’s 32 Gor novels.

  It would not be unreasonable to assume that many of the teenaged Gorean “Masters” had never even had a real girlfriend prior to becoming the proud owners of actual women who fancied themselves Gorean slave girls. Unfortunately, this catastrophic combination of rampant deceit, adolescent immaturity, inexperience in adult relationships, and even their rank incompetence at role playing over the past twenty years has left literally millions of women and the people who cared for them with an intense hatred for anything Gorean. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the online Gor phenomenon demonstrated exquisitely poor timing by gaining popularity at the peak of the American feminist movement. Gorean notions of male dominance and the treatment of women as sex objects and property didn’t earn them many friends among rank and file feminists.

  The poor reputations rightfully earned by these chat room Goreans make it extremely difficult to present an unbiased portrait of the actual Gorean way, versus the caricatures and distortions that have shaped public opinion for so many years. It would be a little like trying to write a serious book about ghosts and spirits, using only Halloween costumes as your source material. Luckily, we have a way to bypass the role players and the bad publicity in order to go directly to the literary source of the Gor phenomenon, the thirty-two “Counter-Earth” novels by John Lange Jr., writing as John Norman.

  John Frederick Lange Jr. was an aspiring science fiction novelist who greatly admired the works of Edgar Rice Burroughs (b. September 1, 1875 – d. March 19, 1950). There was, after all, a lot to admire about Burroughs, who was the celebrated author of twenty-six successful Tarzan novels and close to a dozen books about an earth man who becomes an unlikely hero called John Carter of Mars. Lange, who earned his Ph.D. in 1963 from Princeton University and currently teaches at Queens College, University of New York, is perhaps better known to millions of science fiction and fetish lifestyle fans as John Norman, the author of a series of pulp sci-fi novels about the planet Gor. Under that name, he published twenty-five Gor novels from 1967 through the mid-1980s, and an additional seven Gor novels in the following decades. The popularity of the Gor novels over the past four decades has spawned a cult-like following reminiscent of the millions of enthusiastic “trekkies” who are devoted to memorializing and making real, to the greatest extent possible, Gene Roddenberry’s fictional Star Trek universe. The difference, of course, is that trekkies typically keep their warp drives and sex drives completely separate.

  There are some of you reading this right now who would have preferred that I give anything having to do with Gor a far more cursory treatment in this book than I have. Much of that disinterest and animosity is a natural result of the events and resulting bad feelings which I have just described. Some of it is also the result of a general lack of awareness of the critical role that the Gor novels have played in the growth of the D/s movement in the past fifty years. A lot of what we take for granted in the lifestyle today got its start in John Norman’s pulp fiction. Much of our lifestyle’s customs, protocols, language and traditions (such as collaring) can trace its heritage directly to the Gor novels. Even so, it can be difficult to discuss this lineage and the impact it has had without encountering the lingering animosity and misinformation that plagues this particular D/s subculture.

  Separating the common misperceptions and negative biases from what might be considered the “real” Gorean way has been an almost-insurmountable challenge in the writing of this chapter. My solution has been to rely less upon what people think Gor is about, and more upon what John Norman says it is about. For that reason, I’ll be borrowing heavily from the Gor books themselves to illustrate the tenets, traditions, and values that are the Gorean way.

  What is a Gorean?

  Devotees of the “Gorean” subculture of the D/s lifestyle pattern their relationship and social dynamics, language, customs, protocols, and even their sexual activities after the manner of the people of the fictional planet Gor, which is sometimes referred to by the series publishers as “Counter-Earth.” The planet, as envisioned by John Norman, is ruled by a technologically advanced insect-like race of Priest-Kings wh
o have, over the course of eons, transported large numbers of humans from earth to populate the planet. One of those humans, a British professor named Tarl Cabot, is the main protagonist throughout most of the series of novels.

  In the late 1960s, my father became a devoted fan of the Gor novels and as a result, he set aside for them an entire shelf of his massive library, which included books on practically every topic from Aristotle to Zombie erotica. As you might imagine, my reaction as a hormonally-charged teenager to the serendipitous discovery there of “The Tarnsman of Gor” and its sequels was a little like winning the porn lottery. While most of the other kids in my neighborhood were reading Batman and Spiderman comic books, I was perusing “Outlaw of Gor” and “Slave Girl of Gor.” At about the same time, I had an incredible crush on the beautiful and talented Barbara Eden, star of the television series, “I Dream of Jeanie.” I tuned in religiously each week in eager anticipation of hearing her giggle as she intoned those magical words, “Yes, Master.” Is it any wonder that I turned out the way that I did? But, I digress.

  A Gorean is someone who emulates the customs, culture and morality of the fictional planet Gor as it is portrayed in John Norman’s novels. Individually and collectively as a subculture, Goreans are far more prevalent online than in real-life. Even so, the influence and impact that they have exercised upon the D/s culture in general cannot be understated. It should be noted, however, that many of the overtly sexual beliefs and practices of the Gorean subculture come not from the Gor novels at all, but from a work of non-fiction by Lange, written in 1974 under the pseudonym John Norman, called “Imaginative Sex.” We should also take a moment to acknowledge here that Lange has never endorsed the notion of adopting, in any way, the customs or ethics of the fictional planet Gor. Lange has studiously refused to sanction, recognize, participate or cooperate in any way with the popular subculture that his novels have inspired. The closest that he has come to doing so has been as a strong advocate for strengthening marriages through the use of fantasies and sexual role-play to bring about a couple’s “sexual liberation.”