Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  "--herewith submit myself, completely and totally, in all things--" she said.

  "'--to him who is now known here as Hakim of Tor--”

  "--to him who is now known here as Hakim of Tor--" she said.

  "--his girl, his slave, an article of his property, his to do with as he pleases--"

  "--his girl, his slave, an article of his property, his to do with as he pleases," she said.

  Hassan handed me the collar. It was inscribed, “I am the property of Hakim of Tor.” I showed it to the girl. She could not read Taharic script. I read it to her. I put it about her neck. I snapped it shut.

  "I am yours, Master," I said to the girl.

  She looked at me, tears in her eyes, her neck in my locked collar.

  "I am yours, Master," she said.

  "Congratulations on your slave!" said Hassan. "She is lovely meat. Now I must attend to my own slave." He laughed, and left.

  The girl sank to the straw, and looked up at me. Her eyes were soft with tears. She whispered, “I am yours now, Tarl," she said. "You own me. You truly own me."

  "What is your name?" I asked.

  "Whatever Master wishes," she whispered.

  "I will call you Vella," I said.

  "I am Vella," she said, her head down.

  (John Norman, Tribesmen of Gor, 1976)

  Gorean collaring ceremonies, even at their most formal, are typically conducted with the slave stripped naked and forced to assume traditional poses of submission. While many of the collaring ceremonies described in Norman’s novels contain elements of humiliation and degradation, their inclusion in real world Gorean collaring ceremonies is not common.

  "Step before me naked," said Rask of Treve. I did so.

  We faced one another, not speaking, he with his blade, and in his leather, I with nothing, stripped at his command.

  "Submit," he said. I could not disobey him.

  I fell to my knees before him. Resting back on my heels, extending my arms to him, wrists crossed, as though for binding, my head lowered, between my arms.

  I spoke in a clear voice. "I, Miss Elinor Brinton, of New York City, to the Warrior, Rask, of the High City of Treve, herewith submit myself as a slave girl. At his hands I accept my life and my name, declaring myself his to do with as he pleases." Suddenly I felt my wrists lashed swiftly, rudely, together. I drew back my wrists in fear. They were already bound! They were bound with incredible tightness. I had been bound by a tarnsman. I looked up at him in fear, I saw him take an object from a warrior at his side. It was an opened, steel slave collar. He held it before me.

  "Read the collar," said Rask of Treve.

  "I cannot," I whispered. "I cannot read."

  “She is illiterate,” said Ena.

  "Ignorant barbarian!" I heard more than one girl laugh.

  I felt so ashamed. I regarded the engraving on the collar, tiny, in neat, cursive script.

  I could not read it.

  "Read it to her," said Rask of Treve to Ena.

  "It says," said Ena, “I am the property of Rask of Treve.”

  I said nothing.

  "Do you understand?" asked Ena.

  "Yes," I said. "Yes!"

  Now, with his two hands, he held the collar about my neck, but he did not yet close it. I was looking up at him. My throat was encircled by his collar, he was holding it, but the collar was not yet shut. My eyes met his. His eyes were fierce, amused, mine were frightened. My eyes pleaded for mercy. I would receive none. The collar snapped shut. There was a shout of pleasure from the men and girls about. I heard hands striking the left shoulder in Gorean applause. Among the warriors, the flat sword blades and blades of spears rang on shields. I closed my eyes, shuddering. I opened my eyes, I could not hold up my head. I saw before me the dirt, and the sandals of Rask of Treve.

  Then I remembered that I must speak one more line. I lifted my head, tears in my eyes. "I am yours, Master," I said. (John Norman, Captive of Gor, 1972)

  As these passages illustrate, the Gorean collaring ceremony is typically just the beginning of a kajira’s education. The riveting of a collar about her neck, whether it is done brutishly or lovingly, serves as an unforgettable initial lesson on the Master/slave relationship dynamic:

  "The collar," I said, touching it," is put on from without, but what it encircles, the slave, comes from within."

  "Master?" she asked.

  "Slavery," I told her, "true slavery, comes from within, and you, my lovely little red-haired beast, I assure you, as was evidenced by your behavior and performances this night, are a true slave. Do not fight your slavery. Allow it freely and spontaneously, candidly, sweetly and untrammeled, to manifest itself. It is what you are."

  Yes, Master," she said.

  "That, too," I said, "will save you many bouts with the lash."

  (John Norman, Savages of Gor, 1982)

  Unfortunately - or fortunately, depending upon your perspective - here on Earth, consent is kind of a big deal. That pesky requirement that you obtain consent before you slap a steel collar and padlock around a woman’s neck suggests that the traditional Gorean strategy of “collar first, explain later” may not be the optimal approach on this particular planet.

  There are very few traditional Gorean traditions and practices that can be transplanted as-is, without some measure of adaptation, to a real-world Gorean lifestyle. I’m not saying it can’t be done. I’m simply saying that it requires a relatively thick skin, the proper mindset, a great deal of flexibility, and a refusal to take yourself too seriously.

  Gor in Real World Relationships

  Contrary to popular belief, Gorean relationships not only do exist in real-life, they often thrive in relative obscurity there. The common misconception that there aren’t many real-world Gorean relationships out there is based on a variety of factors, not the least of which is the general scorn with which such relationships are sometimes viewed by others.

  Knowing that your relationship dynamic is likely to become the subject of insults, jokes, or dismissive commentary can have a chilling effect on how forthcoming you are in making it public. You might think that being part of the allegedly non-judgmental and tolerant fetish culture would preclude this from happening, but that’s not always the case. In fact, it is ironic that the harmful misconceptions about Gorean relationships are far more common and negative within the BDSM lifestyle than they are among the general population, where an almost complete lack of awareness among the vanilla folk works to the Goreans’ advantage.

  While a significant percentage of real-life Master/slave relationships are Gorean to some degree, a “Gorean lifestyle” need not be defined solely by Master/slave relationships, nor should it be. As we noted at the beginning of this chapter, John Norman’s thirty-two Gor novels painted a complex and fascinating portrait of an entire planet, complete with its own unique customs, traditions, and philosophies. Sex, slavery and submission may have been some of the more interesting and titillating aspects of Gorean culture as described by Norman, but they were by no means the primary focus of his books. Gor enthusiasts exist along a wide spectrum of fandom that ranges from the pitifully misinformed chat room role-players at one end, and the fanatically literal triviacrats, who will go so far as to speak Gorean languages, on the other. Somewhere, between those two extremes, you can find the practical real-life Goreans, quietly trying to live their lives and doing their best to stay under everyone else’s radar.

  A practical Gorean lifestyle typically involves adopting the mindset and philosophy of Gor, and then looking for ways to successfully integrate them into your day-to-day Earthly lives and intimate relationships. These Gorean teachings typically involve embracing the natural order of dominance vs. submission, being willing to swim against the tide of socially accepted norms, embracing the real differences between men and women, being honorable and accountable in all things, and the glorification of a warrior ethic.

  A person living a practical Gorean lifestyle adopts and applies these phi
losophies not simply because he or she is a big fan of John Norman’s novels or because it’s an entertaining internet chat room activity. They do it because they truly believe in those ideals and because they work in their lives and in their relationships. This is not to say that the same ideals would work as effectively in any one else’s life. Author Robert A. Heinlein once said, “One man’s theology is another man’s belly-laugh,” and it is equally as true when it comes to philosophy and culture. Just as the Buddhist philosophy may work wonderfully for some people, but not for others, so it is with Gorean philosophy.

  The Gorean way of life may not be your particular cup of tea, but for those who are happily ensconced in a delightfully fulfilling Gorean relationship, what matters most is not our opinion of them, but the joy that they share in their own little piece of Gor on Earth.

  My Two Cents on Gor

  I admit it. I’ve never really been a big fan of the Gorean lifestyle. Sure, I loved reading John Norman’s Gor novels as a teen, but the Gorean thing always struck me as a little too role-play and not enough real life, and I’ve always fancied myself as a real life kind of guy. My initially negative bias was no doubt influenced by an endless parade of teen D&D geeks posing as Goreans in internet chat rooms. I have, however, learned a great deal more about the real world Gorean subculture since then, and become good friends with many who follow the Gorean way.

  So, to all of my Gorean friends and associates, I would just like to say, I apologize for once believing that you were all self-deluded, pervy, sci-fi whack jobs. I now know how misguided I was in that belief. That description probably only applies to about half of you. Seriously though, I do believe that Gor, like D/s in general, is a mindset that can be expressed healthily in a variety of ways, but a Gorean friend probably said it best, when she wrote:

  Dear Friends and Future Friends,

  Please don’t lecture me about my lifestyle choices, one of which happens to be the Gorean lifestyle. Don’t insult my intelligence by calling me misguided or naïve because you think I’m living in a “fantasy” world. The Gorean way isn’t just a fantasy, it is a mindset and a philosophy. It is a belief in a natural order of things, which includes the inherent dominance of men over women. It is striving to learn how to freely surrender one’s will to her Master, and belonging to him with all of my might, mind, and soul.

  Yes, I am aware that Gor is a fictional planet, the subject of a pulp science fiction series by John Norman. It doesn’t exist. I know this. I really am not the fool you apparently think I am. I not only exist right here on planet Earth, but I also happen to be a very capable, fully functioning member of society with a good job, a nice car, and an awesome Master, whom I refer to as my husband around the people who just don’t get it.

  It doesn’t matter to me that they don’t get it. It doesn’t matter to me that you don’t seem to, either. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t read all thirty-two of the Gor novels or consider myself some kind of whiz-bang expert on all things Gorean. I don’t join all the Gor discussion forums, or register on Gorean web sites. It doesn’t matter that I am a primal and a pet, as well as a kajira. It doesn’t matter whether I adhere to all of the protocols of Gor. No, none of that stuff matters.

  Only one thing matters and that is my heart and mindset, which governs my relationship with my Master. I am his, mind, body and soul, and it is this philosophy and way of life that makes it possible for me to feel this way. That’s what matters, not some science fiction planet, not your silly protocols.

  We’ve made the Gorean lifestyle our own by molding it to fit our real-life down-to-earth needs and desires. We don’t live our lives to satisfy your fantasy of how Goreans should conduct themselves on Gor, or even on planet Earth. We live our lives striving to be the best kajira and Master we can possibly be.

  And that’s all that matters.

  “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

  - - Carl Jung

  Chapter 8: The First Meeting

  Nothing strikes fear into our hearts like the prospect of meeting someone who is important to us for the very first time. The list of anxieties that can threaten to turn this event into a nightmare is practically infinite, the chief among them being: What if I don’t live up to his or her expectations? Fear of the unknown, dreading the inevitable awkwardness, concerns for safety, and even uncertainty about the possibility of intimacy or sex can make any first meeting a harrowing experience, even for someone who has been through it many times previously. We may never be able to completely get rid of those butterflies in your stomach, but there are some things you can do to get them flying in formation long enough to survive that first meeting.

  First meetings can be particularly tricky for Dominants and submissives, for the simple reason that it’s often difficult to know just how much of your D/s side is appropriate for this get-together. You don’t want to conceal what is undeniably an integral part of your core personality, but you also shouldn’t want to exceed the boundaries of propriety, frighten the other person, or endanger yourself in any way. What you’re left with is a delicate balancing act between revealing who you are, and imposing yourself upon the person you’re meeting.

  An imposition occurs when someone feels pressured or obligated to act or make a hasty decision based upon your revelations or behavior. To understand the difference between the two, consider how a Dominant might choose to conduct himself at a first meeting with a submissive. He can choose to reveal himself by his mannerisms or by discussing the fact that he is a Dominant, or he can impose himself on the other person by unwisely attempting to dominate her at this first encounter. The former is a revelation; the latter, an imposition. His date may be a submissive, but she is not his submissive. Even if a submissive is normally attracted to this sort of dominant behavior, she may not appreciate being placed in a position of having to decide how to react to his attempt at asserting himself in such a fashion this early in the process.

  Feeling imposed upon may be an uncomfortable feeling, but it is of relatively minor consequence compared to the very real danger that some submissives may face in the event that a Dominant unwisely asserts himself in a way that oversteps the boundaries of everyday etiquette and lifestyle protocol. A submissive can sometimes find herself in a potentially dangerous first meeting scenario where her usual good judgment and survival instincts are swept aside when she is caught up in the overwhelming emotions of the moment.

  How do you know if you are about to do something potentially stupid and dangerous? Here’s how: If you’re considering a mid-meeting change to your original plan for how things were supposed to go, then this would be a good time to take a couple of deep breaths, count to ten slowly, and remind yourself that there were some very good reasons for the original plan. One of those reasons was to protect you from your own emotionally compromised judgment and impulsivity. No matter how badly you may want to turn off your phone and follow him back to his hotel for a good spanking, odds are that if it wasn’t part of the original plan, it’s probably not a good idea. At times like that, it might be a good time to say, “I love you, but not in an I-want-to-be-featured-on-an-Investigation-Discovery-episode kind of way.”

  Types of First Meetings:

  First meetings can come in a variety of flavors, and your strategies for surviving them depends a lot upon what kind of first meeting you’re considering. By the way, when I say surviving, I generally mean getting through the meeting with your dignity intact, but we’ll be discussing the other kind later in this chapter as well. First meetings typically fall into five categories: imaginary, serendipitous, acquainting, hook-up, and transitional.

  The Imaginary First Meeting

  The imaginary first meeting is a first meeting that never happens, for whatever reason. It is neither inherently a good thing, nor a bad thing. It is what it is. It is almost always idealized in our minds as the coming together of two souls in a perfe
ct alignment of love, lust, libido, laughter and any other sexy, happy “L” words we can think of. The truth, however, is that the real thing rarely lives up to the fantasies that we’ve built up in our heads. Some people in certain circumstances should be willing to acknowledge the fact that an imaginary first meeting is all that they can realistically hope for. Others sometimes go through with a real-life first meeting only to find themselves wishing that they had kept things virtual or long-distance. And then, there are those who attempt to meet someone in real-life, but the encounter remains imaginary despite their best efforts. You may count me as someone who has found himself in all of these scenarios at one point or another, but the most interesting experience involved my attempt to arrange what I had hoped would be a transitional first meeting but, instead, ended up being mostly an imaginary one.

  Her screen name was Sensual. Just that. There were none of the numbers, extraneous letters, or silly modifiers that are tacked on to a name these days to differentiate a person from the thousands of other people using the same or a similar name. We were among the earliest adopters of internet chat and for all I knew she may have been the very first Sensual. She was an intelligent and funny redheaded submissive with piercing blue eyes and the most adorable freckles. In other words, she had all the qualities that can effortlessly turn my legs to Jell-O. I didn’t know much else about her at first, but we grew incredibly close over the course of the next several months as we went from text chats to trading photographs and spending hours on the telephone. That, in itself, was quickly becoming somewhat problematic, since she lived in Washington State and I was serving in the Army, stationed in Germany at the time. This was long before the era of cheap long-distance plans or the advent of internet voice calling and, as a result, I was beginning to see phone bills (which included a pricy data plan) from Deutsche Telekom in excess of a thousand dollars per month. Clearly, we wouldn’t be able to keep doing that for much longer. We would either have to scale back our relationship or take it a step forward, and neither of us was willing to step back.