Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  Cages

  Cages are cool. They just are. Even if you haven’t got a single kinky bone in your body and have no interest whatsoever in the fetish lifestyle, it’s still hard to look at a small, elegantly constructed cage made specifically for a human being and not be completely fascinated by it.

  The cages used by those in the BDSM lifestyle are typically custom-built constructions built as much for their aesthetics as for their functionality. They can range in size from coffee-table-sized to bedroom-sized, and their purposes can run the gamut from comfort space to punishment place, and everything in-between. They don’t even necessarily have to be constructed in the traditional box-shaped way, either. Some cages are built to conform to the size and shape of the human body, making any movement within in almost impossible, or tall and narrow, making it impossible to sit or lie down. Others are built specifically to be hoisted into the air, and may even expand or contract in size and shape as they are. There are cages constructed entirely of netting, heavy-gage wire or chain mesh and, though it’s technically not a cage, an entire room can be transformed into a virtual cage by installing a jail-cell-type barred door at the entrance. Some cages are built to punish, others are built as a comfortable refuge and emotional happy-place. A cage stokes our emotions and imaginations wonderfully, regardless of whether you are inside looking out, or outside looking in. The possibilities are truly limitless and bound only by your imagination and budget.

  The safety issues surrounding cages are typically a bit subtler than they are for other types of BDSM play, but are critical, nevertheless. Always be sure that cages are secured when not in use and do not become a temptation for children to play in or around. If the cage is lockable, be certain to have at least one or more spare keys kept where they can be located in an emergency or in the event a key is misplaced. Avoid leaving someone unattended in a cage for long periods of time and never leave the premises, even for very short periods of time, while someone is locked in a cage. In the event of fire, smoke, or a medical emergency the cage can become a deathtrap.

  Ask your bottom about any hint or history of claustrophobia. It may also be possible for an individual with absolutely no history of claustrophobia to suddenly discover a phobia of being enclosed in small spaces, which is why continuous monitoring of your bottom is always a good idea, particularly the first few times. A claustrophobic reaction can put a person into a state of shock or cause an acute stress reaction. Contrary to popular belief, shock can result in serious emotional and physical problems which can persist for days, months, or even years after a triggering event.

  BDSM Toys “R” Us

  We’ve covered a lot of ground in this chapter, discussing a wide assortment of kink toys, fetish equipment, and dungeon furnishings, and yet we’ve barely scratched the surface. We could easily fill several books with endlessly fascinating toy talk, but that would probably be counter-productive. We can sometimes risk doing much the same sort of thing in our D/s relationships and BDSM activities. There’s no doubt that BDSM toys can be a lot of fun. Sometimes, they can be so much fun that we are tempted to forget that they are supposed to be a means to an end, and not an end in themselves. The toys are there to please your partner and give you both a measure of mutual enjoyment; your partner shouldn’t be there just to give you an excuse to use your toys.

  There was a time in my life, long ago, when I was all about the toys. Believe me; I totally understand where your head is at if that’s where you are right now or if that’s where you’re headed. I not only had to have all the latest and finest toys, but I eventually built an entire business around fetish toys and equipment. In the final analysis, however, they were just things. Perhaps my perspective is a tad simplistic, but I believe fun is meant to be shared. I have a really nice set of skis, but I don’t enjoy skiing alone. I’ve got an awesome racquetball racket, but hitting the ball against the wall gets old fast. I’ve travelled all over the world - sometimes with, and sometimes without a partner. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you which was more enjoyable. The BDSM lifestyle is no different. It’s simply more fun when you can share it with someone special, and that’s why I’ve written this book.

  I’m hoping you’ll look beyond the toys and focus a little more on your playmates.

  My Two Cents on BDSM Toys

  The year was 1980, and I was a young soldier, stationed at Fort Lewis, Washington as a Forward Observer in the 2/75th Infantry (Ranger) Battalion. I met and became involved with a young lady in town who enjoyed going to storage unit auctions each week and, eventually, I was cajoled into attending a few. To be honest, I was usually far more interested in people-watching and sampling the snack bar’s nachos and beer than I was in the auction itself. Sometimes, however, the auctioneer would auction off the contents of a sealed cardboard box just to make things a little more interesting, and it never failed to stoke my insatiable curiosity.

  On this particular night, the auctioneer pointed to a large, unopened cardboard box and told us that it had come from the estate of an elderly doctor. He claimed to have no idea what was inside, and started the bidding at $1. To this day, I have no idea what possessed me to raise my paddle and start bidding on it, but I did. I was the highest bidder at $7, and I left the auction later that night the proud owner of a medical mystery box.

  When I inventoried the box, I found it full of odds and ends, worthless office supplies, some deteriorating medical texts, a few simple medical instruments, and a curious wooden box with a small metal latch. I opened it and found it full of strange looking electrical equipment, oddly-shaped glass tubes and thick black wires. A small metal data-plate attached to a box-within-the-box identified it as a “Parco Super High Frequency Generator - Violet Ray.”

  As you might imagine, I was very much intrigued by this intimidating looking contraption, which seriously resembled a prop from an old Frankenstein movie. Since I’d never seen anything quite like it before and, considering the fact that this was pre-internet, pre-Google, and pre-Violet Wand, I decided to delay plugging it in until I’d visited the local library and had a chance to figure out just what the hell it was.

  What I learned was fascinating, to say the least. Violet rays were produced by a dozen or more companies in the 1920s as quack-medical devices marketed to the public as the cure-all for everything from Aarskog Syndrome to Zygomycosis. Its high-frequency electrical stimulation and ultra-violet emissions were claimed to be an effective treatment for psychosis, deafness, corns and callouses, “brain fag” (seriously, look it up!) and would even increase a woman’s bust size... all for just $7 plus the cost of a draft beer, two chili dogs, and an order of nachos.

  I thought to myself, “Mike, you are the luckiest son-of-a-bitch on the planet! And hopefully, when you plug that baby in, it won’t explode, electrocute you, or burn your eyebrows off!”

  Fortunately, it did none of those things, and I didn’t grow bigger breasts, either. For an antique piece of equipment that was sixty years old, it was in remarkably good shape and it worked perfectly! There were two glass electrode attachments in the box - one roughly the size and shape of a bratwurst, and the other shaped like a hollow glass garden rake. When the device was plugged in and turned on, the attachment would light up like a purple neon light, buzzing and crackling with electricity, following your touch with an aggressive ticklish sensation, and intimidating the hell out of anyone with a healthy fear of electrocution - which, frankly, ought to be everyone.

  My Parco Super High Frequency Generator & Violet Ray was truly a beautiful thing to behold, particularly as it crackled and glowed menacingly in in low-light conditions. And what was the very first thing I thought of when I turned it on?

  I can’t wait to try this thing out on my girlfriend’s nipples.

  “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member!”

  - - Grouch Marx

  Chapter 10: BDSM Groups & Activities

  When we first discover that we are psycho-sexually different from most of
our friends and neighbors, it usually comes as a bit of a shock to our psyches. Whether it occurs in our youth, or much later in life, the first thought that pops into one’s head is typically something like, “What? Are you telling me not everyone likes spankings?” This is inevitably followed by “What am I, some kind of freak?” Hence begins our quest to know that we are not alone in our unique perspective on sexuality, relationships, and the universe in general; a quest that sometimes brings us to D/s lifestyle or BDSM groups.

  Groups and associations that serve the fetish community exist in almost every major metropolitan area in the United States. Smaller towns and rural areas can sometimes be problematic when it comes to finding a group, but you may be surprised to learn that they often do exist there; they simply try to stay under the radar and are generally a bit harder to find. If you do get lucky and find a small-town fetish group, do keep in mind that privacy and discretion are paramount in such communities, where everyone knows everyone else’s business.

  There are many different kinds of fetish groups out there, and not all of them are necessarily D/s or BDSM related. For the purposes of our discussion, we’ll focus here only on those that are, with a hat-tip to the fact that some groups cast a very wide net that includes pretty much any fetish or kink outside of the mainstream. Some groups go out of their way to try to be inclusive of every possible kink, fetish or lifestyle. These groups often include the words kink or fetish in their names, to draw attention to this broad focus. Other groups narrow their focus to specific interests, like rope bondage, daddy’s girls, or impact play. Some groups are formally organized, with strict membership criteria and a rigorous set of rules, while others may consist simply of a loose association of like-minded individuals who get together for an occasional coffee. Finding a group that suits you is often as much about your tastes in group social dynamics as it is about your kink and lifestyle.

  In addition to learning what BDSM groups are, and what they have to offer, it’s just as important to examine what they are not. They are not swingers clubs, dating services, or brothels. Their gatherings are not orgies, hook-up opportunities, photo sessions, or spectator events for the general public. They are simply groups of like-minded individuals who gather to share their experiences and knowledge while making kinky friends and enjoying their company in a welcoming, safe and non-threatening environment.

  As wonderful as all of that probably sounds to many of you, there may actually be some good reasons why you may not want to seek out your local BDSM lifestyle group. First of all, if you’re the sort of person who is exceedingly fearful, prone to anxiety or paralyzed with shyness in group settings, you may find this to be a path to a bridge too far. Even so, many people who are face with these challenges have discovered that becoming involved with their local fetish group was exactly what they needed to help them face, and overcome, many of their fears.

  Another reason why you might actually want to give some serious thought to whether or not joining a BDSM group is right for you concerns your temperament and social skills. Are you the sort of person that others might describe as judgmental, abrasive, prone to drama, lacking tact, or even just plain creepy? Do your friendships end just as quickly as they begin, as the result of major disagreements, misunderstandings, or arguments? Did your elementary school teachers ever annotate your report cards with, “Doesn’t play well with others?” Are you are overwhelmed with thoughts of actual nonconsensual sex and violence, obsessed with the idea of doing someone serious bodily harm, or fascinated with scenarios involving death? If so, you should probably put any notion of joining your local fetish group completely out of your head and proceed, instead, to see a good therapist. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

  Even if you consider yourself a wonderful person with a temperament of gold, and as much as you may think you want and need to be a part of what goes on at your local fetish group, you may just have to face the remote possibility that they don’t quite agree with your self-assessment. Most groups have a screening process that helps to reduce the possibility of a disruptive or dangerous individual showing up at certain types of events. The most common mechanism for doing that is the public munch. A munch (sometimes called a social, coffee, lunch, dinner, meet-up, meeting or get-together) is typically a vanilla-style gathering which is held in a public venue – usually a restaurant that is willing to set aside table space for a large group. Munches may be held monthly, weekly, or as-needed, depending on the level of interest. For the most part, a group munch is indistinguishable from any other large gathering of friends in a restaurant. Attendees are expected to dress vanilla, act vanilla, and to be respectful of the other patrons of the establishment, which often consist of families with children.

  One of the other mechanisms for pre-screening attendees for the group’s more sensitive and private activities is the personal interview. Larger, more formerly organized groups are more likely to use this method than the smaller, more casual groups. Often, a group leader or member of a screening committee will be assigned to meet with the prospect for coffee or a drink in hopes of getting some sort of a vibe – good or bad – about the person. The interview may or may not include questions about the prospect’s preconceptions, intentions, experience, or expectations. Generally speaking, if a trusted existing member of the group can personally vouch for a prospect, such interviews are considered unnecessary.

  The customs and protocols that are expected from group members are, for the most part, the same as those expected throughout the BDSM lifestyle, with minor variations tailored to the type of event. The following list of tips may not be applicable to every group or event, but it is certainly a good place to start.

  Customs and Protocols for a Munch

  Things You Should Do

  Do give your first name, and as appropriate, the online username people may know you by. It is generally not a good idea to give the people you meet at these events your real full name, even if you have nothing to hide and are not worried about who knows this sort of information about you. The reason is simple. When you give your real full name, people may feel as if they’re being pressured to give out their real full name in return, and they may care about who knows that sort of information about them. They might also get the idea that you don’t understand the reason for this unspoken rule, and why it is important to many of the people who have to keep this part of their lives separate from their friends, families and coworkers. The last thing you want at this point is to give your new friends any reason to believe you’d be careless with their personal information. This is, however, a good time to tell them any online usernames by which they may already know you, or by which they may look you up after the munch.

  Do be yourself. You may feel as if you’re under a lot of pressure to make a good impression, and that can sometimes cause people to say and do strange things. The key to making a good impression with this crowd is simple – be authentic. Be yourself. Nothing raises a red flag in someone’s mind faster than the feeling that the person they are talking to isn’t being entirely honest about who or what they are. Exaggerating or misrepresenting your experience, orientation, or lifestyle is one of the quickest ways to become a pariah in the fetish community. You should never attempt to bluff your way through anything related to this lifestyle, not even the simplest conversations. At best, you’ll embarrass yourself. Worse, someone could end up getting seriously hurt, and that someone could be you. Contrary to popular belief, most people in the BDSM community love to welcome and mentor people who are new to it and eager to learn.

  Do try to smile and be a good conversationalist. Your smile is always your best asset when it comes to making good first impressions! Don’t be afraid to start a conversation with those you meet, and try to uphold your end of any discussion that occurs. Giving monosyllabic answers to questions can be a quick way to put a damper on just about any exchange, so try to avoid giving curt yes or no responses. Even better, try to work a question of your own into your responses. F
or example, when someone asks, “Have you been in the lifestyle long?” you could respond with, “No, I am pretty new to it, but I am excited about learning more about it. Are there people in this group who do mentoring?”

  Do try to find something to like and compliment about those you meet. This tip works wonderfully in just about any social situation, with any kind of group, not just with fetish groups. One reason it can be very effective in this particular kind of setting is because it can help you to appreciate each individual there as more than just a walking collection of his or her kinks and fetishes.

  Do be observant and listen actively in order to learn more about the group. Being observant involves watching for the little things that transpire between group members, taking note of subtle customs or traditions, and especially to how people like to be addressed. Pay particular attention to which members are paired-up with others, either as husband and wife, Master and slave, Dominant and sub, or close friends. Being attentive to such things can save you a lot of embarrassment later. Being an active listener means more than just paying attention. It means becoming engaged, tactfully asking questions, and getting clarification on the things you don’t entirely understand.

  Do be interested in people. People usually find interested people to be interesting. One of the most flattering things that can happen to most of us is to discover that someone has taken an interest in us. Show a little curiosity. Admit to being intrigued, amused, or fascinated. Just try not to make it the kind of aggressive, creepy interest that causes that person to wonder if she remembered to pack her pepper-spray.