Memory of Morning

by Susan Sizemore

  Recalling the long hours of conversation as I made my case notes for the two surgeries, I found myself wishing I had not been so discreet about keeping my preference for Captain Copper to myself. I'd taught myself to try to show nothing of my feelings on board the Moonrunner, though I suspect some people on the frigate were not fooled by my show of indifference. Seeli was throwing herself at the man and I was not in the least bit happy about it. But I had not said anything to her at any point over the last week of watching her talking to him, playing with him and his daughter, sharing duets with him at the pianoforte, discussing his finances with him - well, I had suggested she help him organize himself that way – and listening to his tales of adventure which were exciting new subjects for her.

  I had to go over my case notes once more after I finished writing. And as I suspected, I had allowed my bout of jealousy to get in the way of my professionalism. I rebuked myself, made necessary corrections and additions, then, with my duties for the day at Mercy Home completed, I made my way back to the rental palace. The Owls and Cliffs were hosting a huge nuncheon party this afternoon and I needed to make myself beautiful for the occasion so I could pour tea without giving offense.

  There was great excitement in the house when I came in. The housekeeper moved briskly across the hall, maids trailing in her wake, listening carefully to her instructions. A gardener's apprentice was setting vases of flower arrangements on flat surfaces. My attention was drawn to a housemaid running up the sweeping front stairs. Mr. Butler noticed my looking at her and told me the girl was sent to fetch Miss Abethe to the green parlor. He suggested blandly that I might wish to join the ladies there as well. Who am I to question the correct thing to do from a butler named Butler?

  Rhane and Aunt Gwin were standing by the fireplace, hugging. Rhane giggled.

  "Is someone engaged?" I asked as I closed the door behind me. I saw that Seeli was not present when I looked around the huge parlor. Mother, Aunt Edime, and Cousin Corle were in the room.

  Cousin Corle held up a sheet of heavy cream-colored paper, printed with gold lettering. I saw the Imperial Crest at the top of the page.

  "Ah," I said. "The invitations for the Dowager's Ball have arrived. I am included, I hope."

  "There is an envelope on the desk with your name on it," Mother said. "Let us hope it does not contain a warning for you to keep away."

  "I thought you were taking the Season seriously?" Aunt Gwin said to Mother.

  They began a cheerful bicker session while I went to the desk, opened and read my invitation to The Event of The Season to be held at the Summer Lake Palace. I will admit to a tiny twinge of relief. Yes, it is widely accepted that every Seeker, and dozens of other folk, who have not disgraced themselves, will receive one of these coveted invitations. But I doubt that there isn't a tiny niggle of worry in every eligible person's heart that they will not be deemed worthy enough to attended the Dowager Empress's ball.

  I know, I know. This carrot of worthiness handed down to we gentry folks is merely another way the nobility has of maintaining their social superiority. And it works very well.

  "Well, thank goodness I am to go," I said after I'd read the invitation several times. "Considering what I paid for my ball gown."

  Abethe came in, read her invitation, sighed, and said, "With this invitation, at least I'll have something to smile and nod about when all the other girls gush about it this afternoon's party. I generally get stared at in a glazed way when I discuss jam making and goat cheese."

  Her comment reminded us that we had our own afternoon gala to prepare for, and we rushed off to properly primp for the event. I chose a new linen frock of thin green and cream stripes decorated with wide bands of lace on collar and sleeves.

  I wondered where Seeli was the entire time I did so.

  "What a wonderful crush we are having," I heard Aunt Edime tell Uncle Eadum as I squeezed my way past them. They were on reception duty at the mansion's entrance, but so surrounded by newcomers it was hard to tell that they were not merely obstacles in the way of guests getting into the house. I was heading from serving tea with conversation in the yellow sitting room through the front hall toward the formal dining room.

  I paused briefly to watch Uncle Eadum work out that his sister meant crush as a good thing, and then smile and nod at her.

  At the door, Mr. Butler was once again admitting people to the crush. I smiled and started toward the door as I saw Dr. Heron step inside. He looked quite handsome in his black suit and high white collar.

  "I've missed you," I admitted when I finally made my way to him.

  "Does that mean we're getting married?" he promptly asked. He took my hands in his.

  I took them away. "It means I missed you."

  Rhane was nearby, so I beckoned her over and introduced her to Dr. Heron. She curtsied, but he didn't bother offering more than a nod.

  "You are a rude fellow," she told him.

  I was quite surprised at her speaking up so decidedly. Perhaps I had already mentioned that directness was the only way to communicate with Dr. Heron during our evening Seeker suitor slicing sessions.

  "I am," he answered. "Politeness is a cage around truth."

  "I have read that somewhere," Rhane said.

  "Will you show Dr. Heron to the dining room?" I asked Rhane.

  "I shall see that he is well cared-for, cousin," Rhane answered. "You, come with me," she said to Dr. Heron.

  He followed her without question. I turned to greet Miss Flax who had come up beside me, but my gaze was drawn once more to the opening of the door. Seeli and Captain Copper came in, each holding a hand of the little girl between them. They were smiling at each other over Doree's head.

  I said a word that Miss Flax had probably never heard before.

  I tried to move toward them, but the fool woman stood in my way.

  She blinked like a sheep in shock at my language. "Miss Cliff!"

  "Dr. Cliff!" I snarled.

  My vision narrowed on the sight of Dane and Seeli together, and everything else faded into a furious red haze.

  Across the room, Seeli looked at me. Her expression clearly said, You will have to fight me for him.

  I was more than ready to oblige. With my fists. Right now.

  I did not go through the horrors of war with this man to lose him to--

  "Megere?" Aunt Edime's voice said, rather loudly in my ear. Her hand closed around my wrist. "Whatever is the matter, dear?"

  I became aware that while I may have forgotten everything else in the world, the world was still there, and it was watching me. I was making a scene. Scenes were not to be made by well brought-up, proper young women - especially when it might affect their family's standing in polite society.

  "You are as white as bleached linen. What ails you, my dear?"

  I took a deep breath. I was literally shaking. I looked at Aunt Edime and answered her question. "Your daughter."

  I then shook her off and walked from the entrance hall. No one got in my way.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  "The most annoying part is that Captain Copper did not even notice I was there." I was standing beneath a tree in the far back of the garden beyond a small copse of trees, out of sight and alone. I was addressing a flower I had plucked on my way past. I was fit for no other company at the moment. "To be fair, his attention was on his daughter, but--"

  "Megere?" Belladem's voice came from around the front side of the wide tree trunk. "Are you there? Who are you talking too?" She came around the tree and saw that I was alone. "Talking to yourself, I see. You always used to do that when we were young and you were upset."

  "I am not upset," I told her. I closed my eyes wearily. "I certainly do not feel young."

  She gave me a sympathetic touch on the arm, then mocked me with a snicker. "Whatever are you upset about?"

  "I am not upset."

  "Well, you will be when Mr. Gardener sees what you have done to the marigold bed. I followed you here by a trail
of dropped blossoms." She leaned against the tree beside me.

  "Really?" I recalled picking the flower I held, but--? Yes, there had been a moment of lost control where I took out my fury on some innocent gold and orange victims. "Oh, dear."

  "Oh, yes."

  "And is the gardener really named Gardener?"

  "He is."

  "The All help us! Bell, dearest sister, we must escape this stifled city as soon as possible!"

  "Perhaps you should, but recall that I live and work here. My beloved lives and works here."

  "Beloveds..." I muttered.

  She took my hand. "Will you tell me why you followed grandmother Cliff's advice to come scream in the woods?"

  I shook my head. If I said anything now, I would fall apart. I needed to think, not give in to a fit of emotion. "I've had my scream," I told Belladem. "And it will have to be enough."

  She tugged me forward. "Then come along. You have neglected our guests as long as politely possible. I wish to be with Dwie, and he has someone he wishes to introduce to you."

  I stood straight and squared my shoulders. I shook flower petals off my skirts. I walked arm in arm with her toward the garden pavilion. I looked ahead, rather than giving in to the urge to look anxiously around. "Is Captain Copper anywhere about?"

  "I have not seen him. And I do not think you should, either," she muttered, and gave me a sideways look as I stopped and stood stiffly on the path. "I do not think he is the man for you. But I will say no more just now."

  "Why not?" I demanded.

  "Not now, third twin. Think on it and we will talk later, if you wish."

  "I do not wish," I told her, and strode on ahead to the entrance of the pavilion.

  Dwie Kestrel was standing there. With him was the dimpled Apprehender who had walked with me a few nights before.

  "Dr. Megere Cliff, may I introduce Apprehender Jame Field," Dwie said.

  I had stopped at the bottom of the pavilion stairs, so they had come down to bow to me.

  I was not ready for this. But one is never ready for what life throws one's way. Anyone in combat knows that - and I was at war within myself, most certainly, at the moment. One copes. Adapts. Survives.

  I curtsied. Even with this beast clawing inside my heart, habit and training did the work for me. "Well met, once again, Apprehender Field."

  "Are your well, Dr. Cliff? You were not so pale when we last met. Of course, then, it was by moonslight."

  "Uh..." I could think of nothing more to say.

  I noticed Dwie giving Belladem a worried look. Field looked worriedly at Dwie. Belladem gestured and the four of us walked in pairs away from the pavilion toward a set of benches under a vine-covered arch.

  Jame Field saw to it that we held back a bit on the path. He waited until I paused to nod at a passing guest, then he said quietly, "Perhaps I should not have come today."

  I stopped and put my arm on his. "No! I want you here!" I managed not to shout, just barely. My actions and words surprised me. I meant them with all my heart. "I am glad to see you. Truly." I gave a faint, forlorn, foolishly dramatic gesture. "It is just - I have had a bad day up until now."

  "Will you tell me why?"

  We moved to join the other couple. "Apprehenders are notoriously curious fellows," I said.

  It was Dwie who said, "We are indeed."

  We arranged ourselves on the facing benches. Dwie gestured over one of the alert servers who wandered about the garden in search of prey, and we had crystal goblets of chilled golden wine in our hands within moments. The server bowed, and moved to leave us in privacy.

  I settled my skirts around me, took a fortifying sip of wine, and noted that my thigh touched Jame Field's as we perched beside each other on the short bench. His touch sent a bit of warmth into me. It had felt like I was made of ice.

  "How did you discover me, Apprehender Field?" I asked.

  He nodded toward Dwie. "I did ask about you at Mercy Home - but the Gray Women do not give out information. To men. About women. If they can help it. But I have other resources." He pointed to Dwie. "We both serve Justice, and struck up a conversation after a meeting yesterday."

  "In the course of this conversation my colleague here mentioned having met a lady doctor and her lovely little dog. I knew at once he must mean Star."

  "So he invited me to see Star. Where is she, by the way?" He looked around as though expecting her to jump out of the flower beds.

  He made me smile. My heart was bleeding. My head was repeating over and over Captain Copper's question and comment about my other suitors: "Do either of those lads who paid you respects have a chance?" "Most certainly not," I whispered back.

  "Good."

  What had Dane Copper meant?

  But Jame Field made me smile.

  "Star is locked away for the day. Some of our guests would object to her presence."

  "She might dig up the flowerbeds," Belladem said. Her tone and expression were completely bland - as she reminded me that I was the one who had attacked the marigolds.

  "Star! Never!" Jame Field declared.

  I kept smiling.

  The conversation continued, inanely and pleasantly. After a while, I even stopped searching for a glimpse of Captain Copper among the people strolling about the garden, the terrace, and in and out of the pavilion. The afternoon drew on toward sunset. Rassi and Tennit joined us. The conversation turned toward the due date for the baby and the wedding date for Bell and Dwie.

  "Have you had enough of this domestic bliss?" Field asked me. He stood and held out a hand to assist me up.

  "Quite enough," I said. "Allow me to offer you tea and something to eat, sir." I took his hand to rise, but did not allow him to keep it.

  We walked back through the garden, bowing and curtsying and offering greetings to people as we went. I introduced him to some members of my family. I still did not see the captain or Seeli anywhere about.

  And what would I do if I did?

  Field leaned to speak quietly in my ear. "You are in hunting mode, Doctor. I fear blood will flow if you find your prey."

  I gave him a startled look.

  "One does not become an Apprehender without certain abilities to read body language, voices, expressions, and eyes. Those natural abilities are then trained very carefully, and put to good use." He placed a hand under my elbow and moved ever so slightly closer to me. "You, Doctor, own knives."

  "And know how to use them," I added for him.

  Some of the tension drained out of me at his touch, even more at his words. A different tension entered me as I looked at him; a kind of hot tightening deep inside. "I am so confused," I said.

  "You need a good meal," he said. "When was the last time you had a plate of fat fish?"

  "Fat fish." My mouth watered at the words. My eyes possibly glazed over with lust. My stomach certainly rumbled with longing. "How do you know my weakness, sir?"

  "Come with me, Doctor. I know the best fish shop in town."

  My only hesitation was my frock. "Could you wait for me in the front hall?" I asked. "I'll join you as soon as I change clothes."

  Chapter Thirty

  "Will your family worry when it is noticed you are not at home? Or be scandalized by your being out with a man they have not been introduced to?"

  I gave Apprehender Field a sardonic look over the top of the fat fish roll I'd been bringing up to my mouth. I hesitated biting into it long enough to say, "Now you bring up the subject of my absence - after you have lured me to my undoing."

  "Fat fish isn't that unhealthy for you."

  "Oh, yes it is."

  I took a bite anyway. And sighed with pleasure as my mouth was seduced by the combination of hot, salt, soft, and crisp for the first time in ages. It was plain food, food for working folk, consisting of battered fish fried in bacon fat, covered with bacon strips, sprinkled with salt vinegar, and rolled in spongy flatbread. Try eating fat fish cold and it's a greasy lump of a mess, but eaten as it is meant to be,
near boiling out of the pan, it is the All's own food.

  This was actually my first time within the walls of a fish shop despite my addiction to the dish. The able seaman of the Moonrunner had always had the ladies of the ship wait outside such establishments when the ship was docked in far-flung Angish ports. They gallantly brought our fat fish to us. I felt almost scandalous and wanton being seated inside this Loudon fishy.

  I ate about half of the fish roll before I contemplated my companion and surroundings once more. I had changed into one of the light, plain summer muslin dresses I'd had made to wear under medical smocks in the heat of summer. I'd taken the time to undo my hair from its party arrangement and braided it down my back. I hoped I did not look out of place in the small fish shop, which was one of many lining the street across from the Grand Canal docks. There were no more than six narrow tables in the place, boards laid across sawhorses more than proper tables. All were full; in fact we were lucky to have the privacy of this corner table without having to share. The air reeked of bacon and fish, and the tabletops were faintly sticky just from the grease in the air settling on the wood. Conversation was loud, and the sharp odor of sweat wafting from dockworkers squeezing past to fetch their suppers added to the miasma. I was reminded of the ever-present close-quarters aromas of shipboard life, and found the atmosphere rather comforting.

  "I informed my mother that I needed to check on one of my patients at Mercy Home, and not to expect me to return tonight."

  I knew I could not bear sharing my room with Seeli tonight. Nor did I want to find her bed empty if she chose to share quarters with Captain Copper. Though I prayed it hadn't come to that, or that I wouldn't make a scene if it had. I was glad to have my refuge among the Gray Women. I could spend time alone working through my emotions after leaving Apprehender Field.