by Wendy Smith
“Kaia, how would you like to spend the weekend with Daddy?”
Her eyes widen. “Can we?”
I nod. “Yes, we can.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen my little girl so excited. She’s so happy, and it puts a smile on my face despite the devastation I feel. This is what I’ve been withholding from her.
“Well, we can spend Saturday night with him. And then we’ll come home on Sunday.”
I kiss her on the temple, and we settle down to sleep.
This kid is my everything. I love her, live for her.
It’s time for her to get what she wants too.
9
Brooke
Cole picks us up on Saturday. We drive through town, with Kaia pointing out things she recognizes from our daily bus trip.
Cole links his fingers in mine and drags them to his lips. “I don’t have any expectations this weekend. I want you to know that. Kaia has her room, and I’ve sorted out one of the other spare rooms for you to sleep in.”
“Thank you.” It’s weird. I love how considerate he’s being, but part of me wishes he’d ask me to sleep in his bed. I know I’d feel secure and loved there.
One thing at a time.
“Daddy’s house,” Kaia sings, and I catch my breath at the sight of Cole’s house because of the feeling of déjà vu.
I’ve been here.
It’s familiar.
He pulls into the driveway, and smiles at me as I step out of the car and join him on the path leading to the house.
Kaia rushes inside when he opens the door, disappearing up the hallway with her backpack.
“She knows where she’s going.” I laugh.
“She’s in for a surprise. It’s a lot different to when you were here last time.”
Last time. The thought echoes in my heart.
I take a look around. There’s not a lot here, but it feels cozy and comfortable. It’s so much bigger than my little apartment, though, that’s not hard.
“Your home is beautiful.”
“Our home.” He shuffles a little closer. “That’s what I hope it’ll be, anyway. It just needs you and Kaia.”
My heart thuds, our gazes locked. His expression is so open. He’s not hiding anything, and the love he feels for both me and our daughter is plain to see. “I’m sorry.”
He frowns. “What for?”
“For not remembering.” I drop my gaze. “And for not letting you spend time with Kaia. There’s nothing wrong with her memory.”
He chuckles. “She inherited your smarts.”
“I seem to remember you were pretty smart too.”
“Were?”
I look back up to see a big grin on his face. Shrugging, I pull back a bit. “I can’t possibly comment on how smart you are now.”
“Daddy, look.” Kaia emerges from the hallway with the toy Cole’s father gave her. It was the first thing in her bag when we packed, she loves it so much.
“You got one? I was going to get one for your birthday,” Cole says.
“Grandpa gave it to me.”
His eyebrows rise. “Grandpa did?”
“When he came to see us,” I say. “He remembered because she saw some ad on television in their motel room.”
“I remember her seeing the same ad at your place. Huh. I never thought Dad would pay that close attention to what she was watching though.”
“Your father seems very different to the man I knew when we were growing up. He has a lot of regret in his life.”
“I never thought I’d hear you defend him.”
Kaia turns the dog on and sets it on the floor. It walks for a bit and then falls over.
Cole chuckles. He picks up the remote control and turns on the television.
“I’ve got a new movie for us to watch, Kaia. Have you seen the Minions movie?”
She shakes her head.
“It’s on Netflix. I’ll turn it on for you.”
Once he’s started it up, he turns his attention to me. “Sorry. How did your visit with Dad go?”
“He apologized from the heart. I can’t pretend that what he did didn’t hurt me, but I can move forward. And Kaia was thrilled to see him.”
I suck on my bottom lip. “I’m going to let them see her too. Your mother never did anything wrong, and it’s not fair for her to miss out.”
Cole’s face lights up. “She’ll love that. Thank you.”
“As confusing as all this is, I need to do what’s best for Kaia. I feel bad about keeping you two apart. I didn’t mean to hurt either of you. Kaia loves you so much.”
Cole reaches out, touching my cheek with his fingertips. “You’re only doing what you think is right. I can’t say I was happy about it, but it is what it is. You can’t force yourself to remember.”
“I wish I could. I’m not sure what hurts the most: my pain at not remembering, or yours from me keeping you at arm’s length.”
He cups my face. “Not quite arm’s length anymore.”
I can’t help but grin as he presses his forehead to mine.
“Mommy. Daddy. Shhh.” Kaia holds her index finger to her lips, and we laugh.
As the movie starts, Cole slips his arm around my shoulders. I lean in to him. It’s instinctive. It’s natural. It feels right.
The scent of popcorn.
Cuddles on the couch with Cole while Kaia watches movies.
It’s so close, but I can’t reach it. It’s not a memory, but a feeling.
“Brooke? You okay?” Cole’s voice is full of concern.
“Have we done this before?”
He nods. “It’s one of the things we did when I was trying to win you over. I bought Kaia a heap of DVDs, and we had a movie day.”
“That’s where all those DVDs came from.”
“Kaia didn’t tell you?”
I shrug. “I just assumed we’d got them on special. What else did we do?”
“We were in the routine of me dropping you off at work and day care, and then picking you up when you were finished. Then, I’d stay with Kaia while you worked nights. And then …” There’s a glint in his eye as he leans closer. “Well, you can use your imagination for that.”
I slap his arm. “Stop teasing me.”
“Nearly every night we were together. And extra on Sundays when we had the whole evening together and Kaia was asleep.”
My cheeks burn. “Nearly every night, huh?”
“We couldn’t keep our hands off each other.”
I have no doubt he’s telling the truth.
And not remembering hurts even more.
Kaia’s up way past her bedtime, but her joy at family time makes it worth it.
I let Cole be the father. He helps Kaia change into her pajamas and tucks her into bed. He reads her a bedtime story. He goes to get that glass of water she uses as a tactic to spend a little more time with him.
I love watching them together.
When Cole emerges from her room, his smile is a mile wide.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
“For what?”
“Letting me do that. I loved putting her to bed when you were working. I’ve missed it.”
I take a deep breath. “Well, I have this weird feeling at night. Like there’s something missing. I think it’s you.”
He runs his thumb over the back of my hand. “I hope it is.”
“I just don’t know what to do, Cole.”
For a moment, he’s silent, and he licks his lips slowly, as if he’s trying to work out what to say. “You don’t have to do anything. We’ll just keep on going the way we have been, and one day we’ll find our way back.” Pain flickers across his expression. “Or we won’t. But either way, we’ll make sure Kaia has us both, and that she knows she’s loved.”
I nod. “Maybe we can set up some type of arrangement.”
“I said I wouldn’t try for custody, and I stand by that. You have your routine with Kaia, and I don’t want to interfere.” He squeezes my h
and. “Unless I get part-time custody of you too.”
“What do you mean?” I laugh.
“I mean, the three of us spend time together. Just like this. If you’re working five nights a week, maybe you can spend the weekends with me. There are four rooms here. We don’t have to share a bed, just like we’re not tonight.” He sighs. “We’ll make it work.”
I pull my hand from his and throw my arms around his neck.
“Woah.” He plants a kiss on my neck, and I gasp. So good. “Shit. Sorry. Just instinctive.”
“It’s okay. I just wanted to say thank you.”
“You’ve already said that enough.”
“But I mean it. I know you could be difficult with all of this, but you’re being patient and caring, and I really appreciate it.”
He wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer. “I’ll admit it’s not easy, but I figure you’re worth the wait.”
“I hope so.”
“Go and say good night to our daughter.” He kisses my temple, and it’s with great reluctance that we pull apart. I like the way he makes me feel.
Kaia’s room is magic. The projected stars slowly move across the ceiling, and I watch them for a moment before sitting on the side of the bed. I pull the blanket up and make sure she’s tucked in before leaning over to kiss her temple.
I leave her room, walking up the hall and to the left, where Cole’s spare room is. As I pass his bedroom door, I look up. He’s standing beside the bed, tugging his shirt over his head.
Seeing him gives me the same feelings I had at eighteen. I loved watching him play sport, or do chores with no shirt on, but now he’s older, more defined. His solid chest leads down to his abs that leave me wondering what it’s like to touch them. To run my finger over the peaks and valleys down to that deep V above his sweatpants.
As I run my gaze back up, he meets it, and there’s so much heat in his expression that I retreat, dropping my head to look at the floor.
“Good night, Brooke.”
He’s so close and yet so far.
I scuttle into the bedroom and say a quick “good night” before closing the door behind me.
Why can’t this be simple? Why can’t I just go to him and ask for his help remembering? He loves me, and he wants to make love to me. It’s in his every gesture, his every touch—even the incidental ones.
I can’t deny that I want him too.
But I’m scared.
I fight myself constantly when it comes to Cole.
I curl up on the bed and cry myself to sleep.
10
Brooke
Late Sunday afternoon he drops us home. We’ve had a good weekend. Kaia’s had both of us, and milked it for all it was worth. But it’s been so good to see her smiling.
She disappears to her room when we walk in the door, and I flop on the couch.
Cole walks toward me. “Can I hang around for a bit?”
I nod. “Can’t see why not. Thank you for this weekend.”
“It was great. I hope you both had fun.”
I nod. “What are you doing tomorrow?”
“Working. Why?”
I bite down on my bottom lip. “I wondered if you would come to my neurologist appointment with me.”
“What time?” He sits beside me on the couch.
“My appointment’s at one.”
He smiles. “Of course I will. Thank you for letting me in on it.”
“I have another appointment straight after, and I thought you might like to come to that too.”
His smile widens. “What kind of appointment?”
“Well, I let the neurologist know about my pregnancy, and he got me an appointment with an OB/GYN at the hospital. Just to make sure everything’s okay.”
I gasp as he presses his lips to mine. It’s not unwelcome, but it is unexpected, and he recoils, his eyes wide.
“Shit. Sorry. I just got carried away with the thought of our baby.”
“It’s okay. They might do an ultrasound. I mean, it’ll be tiny, but I want you to be there if we do.”
He nods. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” His eyes grow sad, and I don’t have to ask to know he’s thinking about all the time he missed with Kaia. He was with me during the pregnancy, and for Kaia’s ultrasounds, but after that … “Can we get a picture, do you think?”
I shrug. “We can ask.”
“There’s no way I want to miss a thing. Now or in the future.”
“Of course.”
He places his hand on my stomach. “I still can’t believe we’re having another baby. The little one must be strong to have survived what he or she has. I know you’re okay now apart from the memory loss, but I keep thinking about how that car hit you.”
“We’ll have to see how things go.” I look at him from under my eyelashes. “I’m glad you’re here with me.”
“Me too. I’ve missed so much of your life. It’s hard to think about missing out on any more. I’ll be here the whole way, Brooke.” He frowns. “Dad’s paying your medical bills. Won’t he get billed for the OB/GYN? Then he’ll know,” Cole says.
I shrug. “I’m not sure.”
“Or I’ll just sort out that part of the bill myself.”
I shake my head. “You don’t have to. I’m sure I have enough in the bank.”
“This is my baby too. I’ll pay the bill.”
“Okay, okay.” I smile.
“Have you told Kaia about the baby yet?”
“Not yet. I want to hold off for a while. Let us get our heads around it first.”
He nods.
“And then we’ll tell her together.”
He grins as Kaia reappears, her arms full of toys.
“I should probably go. Let you guys get settled in for the night,” Cole says.
I nod.
“See you tomorrow. Want me to pick you up from work?”
“That would be good.”
“I’ll be there about twelve thirty. That’ll give us plenty of time to get to the neurologist and work out what we’re doing.” He leans over and pecks me on the cheek before standing.
“Now, give me a hug before I go.” He squats, holding his arms open for Kaia.
She throws herself into them with all the dramatic finesse of a four-year-old.
“I love you.” He presses a kiss into her hair.
“Love you, Daddy.”
“Be a good girl for Mommy, and I’ll see you again soon.” He extracts her fingers from his hair where she’s entangled them, and stands.
Saying goodbye is so hard. So much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I open my mouth to speak, but I can’t find the words and close it again.
With a nod, he opens the door and walks out, closing it without saying another word. I let out a long breath.
Something about this is so wrong, but I don’t know what to do.
“Is Daddy coming back?” Kaia asks.
“Not today, sweetheart. Another day.”
Her lower lip wobbles. “Are we going to his house?”
“We’re home now. He’s going to his home. We’ll see him again really soon.”
Tears roll down her cheeks, and she hammers on the door. “Daddy.”
“How about we put on some cartoons and I’ll make a hot chocolate?”
“Popcorn and movies with Daddy.” She folds her arms, and stamps one of her feet on the ground.
“Not today. Come on.” I hold out my hand, but she turns her head. “Kaia. Behave. You’ll see him again really soon. I’ll talk to him and maybe we can go and see him in his house again.”
When she just stands there, I walk away, flopping on the couch and flicking on the television.
“Daddy,” she wails.
My heart shatters. Is this what I’ve done to her? Caused her this much pain? I knew how much Kaia loved Cole, but my little girl just sounds heartbroken.
“Kaia, it’s okay. We’ll see Daddy again really soon.”
She lets ou
t another cry, and it pierces me to the gut.
“You know what? Let’s forget that. I think you’re tired and need a sleep. I know I am.” I stand and walk over to her, pick her up, and carry her to her room. She doesn’t protest, but that lower lip of hers juts out as I strip off her clothes and pull on her pajamas.
“Kaia, Mommy’s really tired right now, and I need you to be good. You can sleep in my bed if you want.”
She puts all her weight down, and I pick her up rather than dragging her into my room. I pull her onto the bed, and we snuggle under the covers.
“Daddy.” She lets out a loud wail, and I sigh.
“Come on, Kaia.”
She sobs, and I can’t stand it anymore. I get back out of bed and head to the couch where my bag is.
I pull out my phone, dialing Cole. I’m tired, and I need his support now more than ever.
“Hey,” he answers, and I hear the echo of the phone being on Bluetooth. He’s not even home yet.
“Cole, can you please come back?”
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Kaia’s distraught. I’ve never seen her like this. She wants you.”
“On my way.”
The phone disconnects, and I’m left staring at it.
Back in the bedroom, Kaia’s sobbing. It breaks my heart to see her like this.
I climb into bed, still fully clothed, and wrap myself around her.
It doesn’t help.
Nothing helps.
I lie in silence while she cries beside me. She won’t let me comfort her. This is it. She’s reached her breaking point.
I look up as the door rattles, and Cole walks into the bedroom. He has a key? This whole time he’s had a key to my place?
He meets my gaze. “Sorry if I hung up on you. I didn’t mean to.”
He looks at Kaia. “What are you doing?”
“Daddy.” She sniffles as he lies down beside her.
He reaches over her and squeezes my hand before gathering her into his arms. “What’s all this about?”
“I miss you.”
He smiles, stroking her cheek with the tip of his index finger. “We just spent the weekend together.”
