Drowning

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “Shit,” Jared murmurs bringing his hand to his mouth in shock.

  Tobias has never seen my scars, but he’s looking at them now with his eyes wide open. He looks away and shakes his head.

  I cover myself up, and sit down.

  “What’s going on, Ivy?” Jared asks. “Why?” He points to my stomach while shaking his head.

  “I’m a cutter.” This time, the words are easier to say. They don’t get stuck in my throat.

  “Why have you never told me?” Jared asks. Tobias remains quiet.

  “I was ashamed. And I thought you’d think I was crazy.”

  “So, you remained quiet and didn’t say anything? You think silence is the way to go?”

  “I wasn’t sure how you’d react.”

  “Silence is an epidemic,” Jared says, and I expect he’s talking about more than my cutting revelation. “If people don’t talk about their experiences, then that shit spreads. The more we remain quiet about things, the more it’ll happen. Silence is cancer, Ivy. It could’ve killed you.”

  Jared’s giving me the hard truth. Fact is, I know. “I should’ve reached out, but I couldn’t.”

  “Why do you do it?”

  “For a range of reasons, but mostly because someone whispers to me. No one can hear him, he’s in here.” I tap my forehead.

  Tobias abruptly stands and walks away from us.

  “You hear voices?” Jared asks.

  “One in particular.”

  Jared sits back in his chair, completely dumbfounded by my admission. Tobias is a few feet away, with a clenched jaw and shoulders hard with tension. Dad’s watching us all, ready to jump in if I need him. I shake my head at Dad. I need to handle this on my own. He can’t protect me my whole life. I need to face them, and whatever they have to say.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Tobias asks from a few feet away.

  “I didn’t know how,” I answer as honestly as I can. “And I couldn’t risk driving you away.”

  He shoves his hands in his pockets and makes his way over to where he was sitting. Jared’s still speechless.

  The tension is thick. No one is talking, and I don’t want to be the first one to say something. I want to give them time to digest to what I’ve told them. But after what seems an eternity, I speak. “I’ll understand if either of you wants to leave.”

  “Right. You drop a bombshell on us, and you want to kick us out? That’s bullshit, and you know it, Ivy. You just need to give us some time to comprehend all this,” Jared says.

  Dad looks to Jared and there’s a slight smile on his lips. But he stays quiet. Dad knew I was going to tell them tonight, and we both expected their reactions to be a lot worse than they’ve been.

  I thought Jared was going to accuse me of not being invested in our relationship. I thought he was going to say, that our relationship has been based on a lie. I actually expected him to leave.

  But I thought Tobias would be worse. Surprisingly, neither are reacting to the degree of what I expected.

  “Tobias?” I’ve given him the option to leave. To walk out and never come back.

  “From the first moment I saw you, I knew I’d love you.”

  “What?” Dad mumbles.

  “I can’t walk away from you, not even if I wanted to. And to be perfectly clear, I don’t want to. But this whole thing of keeping secrets, it’s not going to work.” He shakes his head, and drops his voice to say, “Don’t ever keep anything from me again.” It’s not a warning, it’s a plea.

  “I won’t,” I say and mean it. He gives me a small nod, with an even smaller smile. It’s not over, I know. He’s still keeping secrets from me. But for now, we’re okay. Relief floods me, but Tobias is only half the battle. I still have to wait for Jared’s reaction. “Jared?” I plead.

  “I love you so much. We’ve been best friends for so long, and for you to keep this from me, hurts me right here.” He clutches his fist over his heart. His words are worse than if he yelled at me. Disappointment is something that challenges me.

  “I’m sorry,” I say and try to keep my emotions under control. “But please, I didn’t give up on any of you. I gave up on me. I thought you wouldn’t believe me, or I thought you’d think I was crazy. I’m not.” I rub my forehead and breathe in deeply for ten breaths.

  “Please, Ivy. We’re here for you. Now and in the future,” Jared says.

  I nod my head and smile.

  “How about tonight we just relax and move on?” Tobias offers. “This is something that’s here to stay, and we still need to absorb it. If we want to revisit this later, we can. But for now, let’s drop it.”

  “I can do that,” Jared says.

  “You both need some time to come to grips with what I’ve told you. To let it sink in.”

  Nether Tobias nor Jared agree or disagree. No need to. This is something that needs time to heal so we can move forward. I hope I don’t lose either of them in the process of moving forward.

  “Dinner,” Dad announces and places a huge tray of burgers, hot dogs, and chicken on the table. We all sit and eat, and even though I can tell there’s still some tension, we seem to be progressing in baby steps. It’s more than I deserve.

  Once we’ve eaten, we all help to pack away, and Dad stays inside while we sit out the back and watch as the sky changes colors. The afternoon sun has streaks of pink and purple touching the part of the world where the sun is descending. The night sky is beautiful tonight. The stars begin to appear one by one, twinkling above us.

  “How’s Zane doing?” I ask Jared. He shrugs indifferently. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means he decided he couldn’t be with someone who was too caught up in a shooting.”

  “What the hell, dude?” Tobias asks. Tobias reaches for my hand, and gently squeezes it.

  “Yeah, apparently, I live in the past and I should just be over it.”

  “That’s ridiculous. What we went through isn’t something we can just forget about,” I say.

  “It’s okay. Obviously, we weren’t meant to be together. He was more invested in himself than us. I’m not crying about it. I’m not even remotely ready for a relationship right now.”

  “When the right guy shows up, you’ll know it,” Tobias adds in a supportive tone.

  “Well, the new guy in school is way too interested in my best friend.” Jared chuckles.

  “Not cool, Jared. Not cool,” Tobias says to Jared. He drops my hand and his leg starts shaking.

  “Just kidding.” Jared laughs, but Tobias isn’t responding in a friendly manner. He’s angry. I sit forward and try to calm him by rubbing his back. “Besides, you’re probably not packing,” Jared teases.

  Tobias stands and smashes his fist into Jared’s face.

  “What the hell?” I yell as I jump up and put myself between Tobias and Jared.

  Jared’s holding his nose. Blood is spurting out of it.

  Tobias backs away and clutches at his head. “What have I done?” he says in a breathy voice. “What have I done?” he screams at himself.

  “What’s going on with you?” I push my finger into his chest. “Jared was just joking with you.”

  He stares at me. Something flitters in his eyes. Regret is written all over his face. “What have I done?” he murmurs again.

  He takes off for the back steps and runs out the side gate.

  “Are you okay?” I ask Jared.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” The bleeding is easing, and Jared looks as shocked as I am by Tobias’s outburst. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “No way! You’re not to blame for this. Are you okay for a minute? I’m going to find out what happened with him.”

  “Yeah, go.”

  I run through the house and out the front door. Tobias doesn’t see me. He doesn’t even hear me call to him. “Fuck!” he yells at himself and smashes his fist into the side window of his car, shattering it in thousands of tiny pieces.

  “Tobias!” I c
all.

  He’s caught by surprise. He turns to look at me, his face etched with regret. “I’m sorry, Ivy.” He steps away from me as I step closer. “Sorry,” he says again.

  He opens the car door and is reversing out of the driveway before he’s even closed it.

  What the hell just happened?

  I look up to the stars and throw my arms up in frustration. “What happened?” I ask them.

  If only I knew.

  “Hey.” Jared opens the front door and his nose is heavily bruised.

  “Oh shit, Jared. Is it broken?” I ask as I head into his house.

  “Nah, he just bruised me up. I tried calling him, but he’s ignoring my calls. I just wanna know why he lost it the way he did. I thought we were friends.”

  “I have no idea what happened with him. I want to know why he did it too. He took off so fast I didn’t get a chance to ask.”

  “Soda?” he asks from the kitchen.

  “Yeah, thanks.”

  Jared walks out, holding two bottles of Coke and hands one to me. “I don’t get it, Ivy.”

  “Trust me, neither do I. But I’m heading over to his house after here. Dad doesn’t want me to go alone. He told me to call him when I’m finished here and he’ll take me to Tobias’s, but I’m going to catch the bus. I wanted to make sure you were okay first.”

  “I’m fine. It looks worse than it feels. It’s really not that bad. The bruising makes it look horrendous. Mom was surprised, especially when I told her it was Tobias who did it.”

  “Dad couldn’t believe it either. Truthfully, neither can I. It was like something flipped in him and he lost it, like that.” I snap my fingers. “I don’t know what happened.”

  “When you see him, tell him I’m not angry at him. Shit happens, and as friends, we gotta let shit go.”

  “You’re not angry? Not at all?”

  “He’s got secrets, Ivy, and I obviously pushed him to the point where he thought he had no other way out. I’ve always known he’s not particularly accepting of gay people, but we managed to push past that. I was saying things to tease him, and I went too far. Don’t get me wrong, he shouldn’t have reacted the way he did. But I’m fifty percent to blame for this.” He points to the dark purple and black blotches around his puffy nose.

  “You sure it’s not broken? It looks like it is.”

  Jared flicks his wrist at me dismissively. “I’ve broken my nose before, and it doesn’t feel broken. Bruised, yes, broken, no. This will all go away in a few weeks. But I think Tobias is probably feeling more guilt than he should. Get him to come see me, or call me so we can sort this shit out.”

  “I’ll tell him when I see him after here. But I’ll definitely be telling him how I feel about what he did. It’s not right. Violence isn’t the answer when you’re being pushed.”

  “Hey, go easy on him. I’m a hundred percent positive, he didn’t come to dinner so he could punch me. And besides, I’m not frightened of him after this.” He points to his nose again. “He must’ve felt like I backed him into a corner. Just remember, Ivy, he’s a guy who threw himself on you to protect you. He doesn’t have it in him to be an ass; he just lashed out. Give him the benefit of the doubt.”

  “You’re right, I suppose.”

  “I am right. We can’t turn our backs on our friends. No matter how hard it gets and no matter what happens. Or we’d all end up being incredibly lonely. He’s a good guy, he just got caught up in a moment of insecurity.”

  I stand from where I’m sitting and make my way over to Jared. “Love you,” I say as I hug him.

  “Love you too. Just promise me you’ll go easy on him. Let him tell you why he lashed out, then get that big ape to call me.”

  I smile. “Big ape?” I question.

  “Big, good-looking, sexy as hell ape,” he adds.

  “You make me laugh, Jared. Tobias punches you in the nose, and you still think he’s cute.”

  “Have you seen his ass? Anyone who had a good look at that would think he’s damn fine.” He chuckles.

  “Maybe keep that to yourself. I wouldn’t want Tobias to give a repeat performance of this.” I point to his nose.

  “Duly noted.”

  My smile dies down and I finish my soda. “You sure you’re okay?”

  “Darling, I’m a skinny white gay boy in a town without many gays. It’ll take a lot more than a punch in the nose to keep me down.”

  “Okay, as long as I know you’re alright, I’ll go easy on Tobias. But I’m not letting him get away with anything. He’s got to earn back my respect.”

  “Give him hell. Just not too much.” He adds a wink.

  I hug Jared again, and leave his house. Walking to the bus stop, I wonder how Tobias is going to answer my questions. I really want to know why he snapped toward Jared.

  Waiting for the bus, I’m still thinking about Tobias and what could possibly have been going through his mind. All the possible causes play in my head, but none of them justify his behavior last night. But if I don’t ask him, the thoughts in my head will manifest into something more vicious and sinister.

  I need to know the truth.

  I’ll ask him to tell me the truth, the way he demands it of me.

  It can’t be one-sided; it has to work both ways.

  I’m lost in these thoughts, and even when the bus arrives, Tobias is front and center of my mind.

  It doesn’t take long before the bus stops two blocks from Tobias’s house, and I start walking.

  As I knock on the door, my stomach churns with worry. What if he doesn’t tell me? I can’t be with someone who refuses to be honest with me.

  I can’t have him as my boyfriend if he’s violent only because he doesn’t like gay people. That’s not who I am, and not who I want to be around. Does this mean I’m willing to break up with him?

  I guess I’m going to have to see how he responds when I push him for answers.

  I knock again, and this time I hear the bolts unlock from inside. Clara answers the door. Her hair has changed color. It’s a deep teal green now. Her eyes light up when she sees me, then they droop in sadness.

  “Hi, Clara. Is Tobias here?” I ask.

  She opens the door wider, and steps to the side. “Come in, Ivy. How are you?”

  I step inside and follow her to the kitchen where she opens the fridge and holds a bottle of soda out to me. “No, thanks. I just came from Jared’s and had one there.”

  “Here, sit.” She gestures toward the sofa and she sits beside me. “Tobias isn’t here, Ivy.”

  “Oh, okay. Do you know when he’ll be back?”

  She looks at the bottle of soda she took out for herself, and rubs her thumb over the cold drops collecting on the outside of the bottle. “We’re not entirely sure.”

  I’m taken aback with her response. “What do you mean? Where’s he gone?”

  “Tobias came home last night and told us what happened. He hated himself for hitting Jared. He’s not in a good place, Ivy.”

  The hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention. “Where is he, Clara?” I’m on my feet in a second, ready to go to him.

  “He needs some time away from everyone. He’s gone to stay with some friends.”

  “Where is he?” I ask again. “Please, tell me where he is?”

  “Give him some time. He needs to come to terms with what he did. And he needs to learn how not to hate himself as much as he does for how he treated Jared.”

  I sit back down again. My heart has been ripped out of my chest. “We can work through this. He doesn’t need to leave.”

  Clara places her palm on my arm, and she looks down at the scar I have running from wrist to elbow. “We all have demons, Ivy. We just have to find a way to deal with them. Some people talk, some people don’t.”

  “Some people hide,” I say as tears well up in my eyes.

  “He’s not hiding. He’s dealing with what he did the best way he can. But he told me to tell you he’s sorry. And he’s
asked me to ask you to tell Jared how he feels sick that he lay his hands on him.”

  I stand from the chair and head toward the door. “When he comes back, he can tell me himself. I’m sorry, Clara, but I’m not accepting it from you. I need to hear him say it, not you.”

  She nods her head. “I understand. But please, give him time.”

  “Goodbye,” I say as I head out the front door.

  My entire body is hurting, and my mind is clouded with even more gloomy thoughts. I take my phone out of my pocket and call Elizabeth’s office. The receptionist answers on the second ring, and a sense of relief overtakes me.

  “I need to make an emergency appointment with Elizabeth please,” I say.

  “Her next appointment isn’t until next Thursday.”

  “No, I can’t wait that long. Please, can you tell her Ivy Jones needs to see her. Please. I don’t think I’ll make it to next Thursday.”

  “Hang on a moment, Ivy.” She puts me on hold and I’m assaulted with bad ‘hold’ music.

  Azael is near. He knows I’m about to fall apart and he’s ready to pounce. He’s coiling, ready for the perfect moment of my weakness to strike.

  My entire body reacts violently to his whispers. He’s here, I can hear him rubbing his hands together getting ready to extend his talons into my soul.

  “Ivy?” Elizabeth is now on the phone.

  “Please,” my voice trembles. “I won’t make it through the night, I need help. Please.”

  “Come straight here.”

  “Thank you,” I reply.

  “I’ll see you when you get here.”

  I hang up, and call Dad. “Ivy, are you ready to be picked up from Jared’s?”

  My voice cracks with hurt. “I’m at Tobias’s. Please Dad, I need to go to see Elizabeth.”

  “I’m on my way.” I hear the door slam shut, then the car start. “What’s happening?” Dad asks.

  “Tobias. He’s gone and I don’t know for how long. I can’t deal with this.”

  “Everything will be okay. Just wait for me, I’m only a few moments away.”

  I hang up and bury my head in my hands. Tears are falling, and my entire body is trembling. It feels as if my heart is being stomped on, over and over again. This is hurting so much.