Drowning

by Margaret McHeyzer

  How long is Tobias going to stay away?

  I’ll find out soon, I guess.

  He didn’t return.

  As a matter of fact, I went back to Tobias’s house a week later, and not only was he gone, but so were Clara and Justine. Tobias’s phone was disconnected, and every email I send him bounces back ‘undeliverable.’

  I went to Clara’s workplace and they told me she hadn’t shown up for the past few days.

  They were gone.

  All three of them, up and left.

  That was thirteen months ago. And I think about him every single day. I hope he’s doing okay, but I have no way of knowing. I tried everything to find him, but they all vanished. I stopped looking when I realized he’d made it impossible for me to find him. He left, and he was too gutless to tell me to my face.

  Do I hate him? No. Actually, I still love him. I hate what he’s done, but I can’t ever hate him. I tell myself he’s moved on and I hope he’s happy. But it’s not true. I hope he misses me as much as I’m missing him.

  Elizabeth continues to be a big part of my life, and even now when I’m at college I make sure I keep my appointments with her.

  My demon is at bay. Elizabeth has given me tools to help me combat him when he rears his ugly head. We’ve also discussed medication and seeing a psychiatrist, but for now, I’m managing without medication. I know what to look for, and the moment I think I’m falling, I call her or see the campus counselor and he helps me through it.

  I’m studying photography, and I’m loving it. It’s my first year at Sacramento, and I’ve made a few new friends. Jared and I are inseparable. He and I share a small apartment near college. He’s studying nursing and he’s loving it too.

  College is different for both of us. I’m introverted, and Jared is an extrovert. He’s always having fun, while I stay home and study.

  This is how life is for us.

  I wish Tobias was here too. But he made the choice to leave. It hurts so much but as they say, the show must go on.

  I just hate this version of the show without Tobias in it.

  Two years and it still hurts.

  Some days I think I can feel him watching me, and I search the campus hoping to see him, but he’s not here.

  On the upside, I’m doing well at college, and still loving it.

  Jared has really thrown himself into school this year. He’s given up his partying ways and he’s excelling at his nursing studies.

  But every night I go to sleep and dream about Tobias. I dated a guy last year, but it turned out I was merely a conquest for him. You know, let’s bed the quiet girl and dump her ass.

  Surprisingly, I handled it well. Elizabeth was impressed by how far I’ve come. I still see her about twice a month now. I’ve grown to realize she’ll probably never be out of my life. The frequency of my appointments with her will differ according to what’s happening in my world.

  Azael has disappeared. He doesn’t make me want to cut. Don’t get me wrong, there are times I want to feel the blade, but I talk to Jared, Elizabeth, or Dad and the urge to harm passes quite quickly. I’m hoping soon it’ll be a thing of my past.

  One day I’ll learn to love again. But for now, I’ll take baby steps toward finding someone.

  Maybe I’m meant to be alone.

  And I’m okay with that.

  Three years have gone by in a flash. Thankfully I don’t think of Tobias much any more. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still in my thoughts from time to time. Especially on the anniversary of Mrs. Richards death, but I can’t go back to those days. And I don’t want to either.

  Those times were dark.

  I was barely able to breathe, and for me, the only good things in my world were Dad, Jared, and Tobias. Two out three remain. And I’m grateful they have.

  Tobias is gone. He’s probably settled down somewhere with some woman he loves. I wish him all the best. I really hope he’s happy.

  I started seeing a guy about three months ago. His name is Marc, and he’s nice enough. He’s an art major here at CSU Sacramento, and we fit pretty well together. He has those typical artist looks, with shaggy blond hair, soulful brown eyes, and a slim build. He’s into poetry. I’m definitely not into poetry. I find it boring and most times I lose interest only a few lines in. But he treats me well. I like him, but I don’t love him. He’s too… I don’t know. He’s nice and all, but he’s no Tobias.

  I should stop comparing them.

  Maybe I’m not over Tobias.

  God damn it, why can’t I forget him?

  I think I need to see Elizabeth. I need to put Tobias behind me. I need to focus on my future, and not keep searching for something I’ll never have again.

  “Ivy, can I get you to meet me out at the client’s apartment? Standard photos for the sale?” Stephanie asks.

  “What’s the address?” I put her on speaker and bring the ‘notes’ app up on my phone. Stephanie gives me the address and I write it down. The client’s house is three suburbs over, and I’ll need to take two of my cameras to capture this apartment. “When will you be there?”

  “The client said we can come by any time this afternoon from three until six. He’s at college during those times.”

  I look at the time on my phone, “That’s cutting it short. I can probably be there by five. I’m not home, I’m out on another shoot.”

  “You’re doing well for yourself,” Stephanie says.

  “Thank you,” I say. Since I finished college, I’ve had non-stop work. “I’ll see you at five.”

  “Bye.”

  I get back to the shoot I’m doing. I’ve been doing a lot of weddings, and I freelance for some magazines, too. I’d like to do more modeling photography, but it all takes time. I also like taking photos of scenery when I’m not working. I’ve been taking images of sunrises and sunsets from where ever I am. It’s calming for me. I particularly love taking photos of the stars. They’ve helped me heal.

  The shoot I’m currently on is a pre-wedding shoot. The couple wants some candid and staged photos of themselves they can use to make their wedding invitations.

  “Sorry for the interruption,” I say to Claudia. the bride.

  “Not an issue, gave me a chance to touch up my lipstick.”

  “If it’s any consolation, you’re stunning and these photos are making me jealous of you.” I smile at her.

  Claudia is gorgeous. Her husband isn’t. But they look like the most in-love couple I’ve ever seen.

  “Thank you.” Her eyes go to my tattoo and she stares at it. “I really like your tattoo,” she says as she eyes the rose wrapped around one of the scars from my suicide attempt.

  “I used to be a cutter, and I hated this scar. I wanted to cover it, but then I decided I needed to honor it.”

  She nods her head. “Remembering the past so you know how far you’ve come.” She talks as if she understands.

  “That’s exactly right.”

  “Believe me when I tell you, I know.”

  “You do?” I ask, surprised. How could someone as beautiful as Claudia understand darkness?

  “I did modeling work when I was younger and ended up with an eating disorder. I had boyfriends who’d tell me I was fat. Really nice-looking men too. But then I found Derrick, and he saw through that. He knew what I was doing before I admitted it to myself. He saw how I was mistreating my body to become what others wanted. He helped me find the courage to help myself. I know people don’t think he’s nice looking, but I don’t care what others think. Out of the two of us, I’m the lucky one.”

  I chuckle to myself as I change the lens on my Nikon D850. “Isn’t that interesting?”

  “What’s that?” Claudia asks.

  “Here I was thinking what a perfect life you must have because you look so perfect.”

  “I do have the perfect life, now. But only because of Derrick. I fell hard for him when he refused to give up on me. He’s been there every step of the way.”

  “I’
m not one to judge, but obviously, I did. I’m sorry.”

  She laughs and gently smacks my arm. “We all judge to some degree. I’m sure you get judged all the time. You’ve got a tattoo, and some people still see them as distasteful, disrespectful, or even gang-related.”

  “I suppose they do. But what they think of me isn’t my concern. People can judge all they like; their opinions mean nothing to me.”

  “Good for you, Ivy. You know something most people spend a lifetime trying to figure out.”

  “What’s that?”

  “You’ve learned to have faith in yourself and screw what other people think.”

  “I have, I guess.” I smile triumphantly to myself. Yeah, I have. “Okay, let’s get the perfect image.”

  Claudia goes back to Derrick, and I coach them into a few natural poses that translate well to photos.

  I pull up in front of the apartment building Stephanie asked me to photograph. It’s in a trendy, up and coming part of town. I’ve been thinking about renting somewhere down here. But Dad insists it’s not safe, so he doesn’t want me to move. It’s a bit further for Jared to get to school too, so moving here may not be the best idea.

  I take my camera bags from the passenger seat, and lock my car. I head into the apartment building, and hit the third-floor button in the elevator.

  When I exit the elevator, Stephanie is already waiting outside the apartment. “Sorry Ivy, but you have to make it quick, I have to get to another client’s house.”

  “I’m glad I didn’t become a real estate agent. You’re always in a hurry to leave.”

  I head inside the client’s apartment, and put my camera bag down. “I sometimes regret it. Especially when I get phone calls at two in the morning from clients who decide they need to talk to me.”

  “You get calls at two?” I question as I look around the room.

  “You have no idea. Can I leave you? I need to go, I’m already late.”

  “Sure,” I respond with a huff. “It’s not like you don’t leave me at other houses.”

  “You’re a doll.” She throws me the keys, picks up her bag and heads for the door. “Drop them back at the office when you’re done. No lock box with this place.”

  “I have to come back to the office?” I whine. Usually there’s a black box hanging somewhere safe so real estate agents can gain entry to show the property.

  “He was specific, said no lock box.”

  Rolling my eyes, I wave my hand to her. I hear a muffled ‘thank you’ from Stephanie as the door closes.

  The apartment is neat, and ready to be sold. It seems the owner has already started packing, because it almost looks staged. There are no personal items anywhere. There are generic pictures of flowers on the walls, and a mirror in the narrow hallway. It’s a two-bedroom apartment, one is obviously used as the client’s bedroom, and the other as an office containing a crisp white desk and leather chair. There’s a small kitchen with an eat-in dining area and an adjoining living room.

  This shouldn’t take long for me to photograph. I’ve been working for Stephanie for a while, and although photographing houses is borderline mundane, it pays the bills and helps me build a nest egg for when I’m ready to buy my own house.

  I start in the bathroom and take photos trying to show the size of it. I know what Stephanie likes and how she wants to present apartments. It’s all about maximizing the space, and trying to get potential buyers to imagine themselves in it.

  Once the bathroom, kitchen and living room have been photographed, I head into the bedroom and start there. Opening the closet doors I notice clothes are neatly folded or hanging. I take images of the room with the closet doors closed. I don’t want to invade these people’s privacy.

  Then I make my way into the office.

  I hear the front door open, and shake my head. Stephanie must’ve forgotten something.

  “What did you forget?” I yell out from the office.

  I don’t hear a reply.

  This makes me nervous.

  “Stephanie?” I call as I leave the room.

  “Shit,” he says.

  “Shit,” I reply.

  The man standing in front of me is tall, has short dark hair and intense, dark eyes. He stares at me.

  I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say.

  I haven’t seen him in years.

  Every memory I have of him comes flooding back. My heart momentarily stops. The palms of my hands sweat and I can feel myself trembling.

  “Ivy,” he whispers.

  “Tobias.”

  He steps forward, and I instantly step back. “I’m sorry.” He shakes his head as if he’s trying to dislodge an annoying thought and retracts his movements.

  My guards automatically rise, and I go into a panic mode. He ran from me, and now here he is, in front of me. But no logical thought is going through my mind. “I’ll come back later,” I say as I grab my camera bags. “Let Stephanie know when you’ll be out for a while, and I’ll finish then.”

  I’m juggling my camera and the bags, and trying to get my car keys out of my pocket at the same time. I won’t let him dazzle me and try to stop me.

  “Ivy, please. Don’t run,” he says as he grabs hold of my upper arm, stopping me before I make it out the door.

  “No, Tobias. I’m not the coward. That’s your specialty.” I jerk my arm, breaking out of his grip. “You’re the one who runs.” I inspect his toned body, and he’s more perfect than he ever was. My voice drips with scorn, but my mind tells me he’s still the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.

  “Ivy, please, let me explain.”

  “The time for explaining has expired. You had years to do that. You’ve lost your chance.” I draw my shoulders back and lift my head with pride. “I’ll do what you were too gutless to do.” I swallow the spit gathering in my mouth. “Goodbye, Tobias.” I let the door slam behind me and run as fast as I can to the elevator.

  I almost expect for Tobias to follow me, and he doesn’t disappoint. I press the button and can see him in my peripheral vision coming toward me. I do the only thing I can, I ignore him and press the button again.

  “Hurry up,” I whisper to the elevator.

  “Ivy, please, can we talk?”

  I keep snubbing him. But the pull between us is far too strong for me to ignore. Lowering my head, I close my eyes and pray this elevator gets here before I weaken and give him the opportunity to explain himself.

  “Please,” he begs.

  He’s too close. His aroma of apple pie with cinnamon closes around me. He’s so familiar. So damn right. Tears well up in my eyes, but I refuse to let him see me so vulnerable. “No,” I say with conviction. My voice doesn’t betray how I’m feeling. I want to say yes, but he’ll only hurt me again. It’s taken me years to even start getting over him, and now he wants to talk. “Not going to happen, buddy.”

  The door to the elevator opens and I step inside. “Please?” he pleads.

  “Not today. Not ever.” The doors close, and I finally breathe.

  I hold it together until I get to my car. But the moment I’m inside, I break down and cry. I can’t believe it. I thought he was gone, but here he is. Right in front of me, begging me to talk.

  I pull myself together, start my car, and head for home. I’m hoping by the time I’m home, Jared will be back from class. My mind is filled with Tobias. Everything I should’ve told him. I should’ve told him how much he hurt me. I should’ve slapped him for leaving me and never explaining why he was so desperate to abandon me. I should’ve said more than I did.

  “Ugh,” I scold myself in anger. “Stupid Ivy.”

  I’m really not sure how to feel. I want to go back there and rip his head off, but I also can’t because I don’t think I’m strong enough to walk away from him again.

  I pull into my parking spot, grab my camera bags, and run up to the apartment. Opening the door, I can smell the familiar scent of pepperoni pizza. “Hey, pizza just arrived,” J
ared calls from the kitchen.

  “I’ve just gotta go back to the car and grab some more of my equipment. I’ve got news.”

  “Okay, I’ll set the table.”

  I run downstairs to get the rest of my equipment and head back up to the apartment. Jared pours me a soda and sits at the table. “You will never believe what happened today,” I say as I sit and take a sip of the soda.

  “You got laid.”

  “Seriously?” I tilt my head and eyeball Jared.

  “You’re back with Marc. You decided to go out with him again.”

  “Ugh, no thanks. Cheating on me is high on the ‘never do again’ list.”

  “Um, you won a million dollars and you’re going to donate half to me?” He flutters his eye lashes at me.

  “No.”

  “Then what?” He takes a bite from his pizza and waits.

  “I saw Tobias today.”

  “You… what… who?” He opens his mouth again but stops. “Wait!” he quickly adds. “Tobias who?”

  “Tobias. Tobias Baxter. I don’t know of any other.”

  “You’re kidding me, right?” I shake my head. “The same guy who up and left without even saying where he was going?” I nod. “The same guy who ripped your heart out, stomped all over it when he decided to leave?” I nod again. “No way. That’s total bullshit.” He takes a huge bite of his pizza.

  “I know.”

  “Wait!” he nearly shouts. “You are not going out with him, are you? Because I’m not afraid to bitch slap you. Or hold you hostage here. Or better still, I’ll show up instead of you and I’ll bitch slap him.”

  Jared makes me feel better just by being himself. “No, I’m not going out with him again.” I nibble on my pizza, still distracted by today’s events.

  “What happened? How did you see him? What did he say? Does he look as good as he always did?”

  “Back up a second. Take a breath.”

  “Well?” Jared leans on the table, engrossed in this conversation. “Tell me he’s put on a hundred pounds, has lost his teeth and hair and smells like dirty socks?”