Drowning

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “I wish. He looks better than he did when we were in school. He’s built, and muscled and he smelled sooooooo good.”

  “Oh crap, you’re in trouble. Which means, it’s my job to make sure you don’t go down that road again. No way, girlfriend. You’re not falling for him again. I won’t let you.”

  “I have no interest in him.”

  “Yeah, that right there… ” He circles his finger around my face. “… is total crap. Anyway, what happened? Where did you see him?”

  “Stephanie called, and asked me to take photos of an apartment she’s selling. I show up, and long story short, he shows up too.”

  “No, I want the long story, not the short one.”

  “He begged me to talk to him. I told him no, his chance for talking was years ago, and I wasn’t interested in hearing whatever he had to say now.”

  “You did not say that?”

  “Yeah, I did. He ruined me, Jared. I can’t go back to that again.”

  “Of course, you can’t. He’ll leave again taking your heart with him. And I won’t let it happen. And let’s not even mention your dad, and what he’ll do if he finds out.”

  “Don’t tell him,” I warn Jared. “I don’t want a lecture, or for him to worry about me. I’m finally in a good place with everything. My life is going right and I don’t want Dad to stress.”

  “I won’t say anything to him.”

  After a few moments of silence, I say to Jared, “He wants to talk.”

  “Do you?”

  “I think I deserve to know why he left the way he did. But, in a way, I’m afraid I’ll fall for him again. I don’t want to love someone who abandons me when I tell them my ugly secrets.”

  “Then forget him. Pretend you never saw him.”

  I glare at Jared. “It’s not that easy, and you know it. But I can’t go back. I don’t think I’d survive if he left me again.”

  “Then move on.”

  “Yep, that’s what I’m going to do. Move on. Good advice, Jared. Move on. Yep. Yep. Yep.”

  “You’re rambling,” he points out.

  “Because I’m trying to convince myself.”

  “Say it often enough and you’ll believe it?”

  “Something like that.”

  “How about this? Don’t give him the chance to screw with you again. How does that sound?”

  “In theory, it sounds perfect. In reality, I’m going to try really hard to not hear him out. But as pathetic as it sounds, I still love him.”

  “It’s not pathetic, Ivy. It’s just the way it is,” Jared says in a soft voice. He stands and gives me a hug before taking another slice of pizza and eating it.

  I’m still on my first slice, and now I’ve lost my appetite.

  “I’ve got an assignment due in two weeks, so I’m going to get a start on it tonight. But, if you want, I can hang with you. Watch a movie? Have some popcorn? What do you think?”

  “I’ll be fine. I’ll just go take a bath and relax.”

  “Okay. But, I’m right here if you need me.”

  “Thank you.” I stand and grab my plate, taking it into the kitchen. When I return, I give Jared another hug and kiss his cheek. “I mean it, thank you.”

  I leave him and head into the bathroom to run the bath, then make my way into my bedroom to grab what I need.

  I light some candles and turn off the lights in the bathroom. When the bath is filled, I sink into it, relaxing as the warm water laps around my body.

  The candle flickers, making dancing shadows on the white walls. My head spins with all things Tobias. From the way he looks to the way he smells. His voice is a pitch deeper; his eyes have changed. They seem more cautious. Or maybe aged. He doesn’t look twenty-one, he looks so much older. By the way he stared at me, it appeared like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

  He dominates my thoughts.

  But I wonder if he’s with anyone. If so, is he happy? Does he look at the stars like I do and wonder what I’m doing?

  What do I do?

  I don’t know.

  I didn’t take the keys back to the office yesterday, not after my run-in with Tobias. I don’t have a shoot today, so I get up, get ready and head into the real estate office. When I get there, Stephanie is in her office. She sees me through the glass wall and gestures for me to come to her.

  I head in, and sit in the chair waiting for her to get off the phone. I take my phone out of my pocket and peruse Instagram. I have a new follower request, and when I see the name ‘Tobias Baxter’ the giddiness inside escalates. I should block him, but I know I won’t.

  I barely slept last night because I kept seeing him in my dreams. I’m making every effort possible not to allow myself to be affected by him. I’ve been through too much to go back to the way things were.

  “What happened?” Stephanie asks the moment she hangs up from her call.

  “I’ve got to go back and finish the photos for the apartment.”

  “What happened between you and the client?”

  “What? Nothing. Why, what did he say?” My body tingles with anticipation. What has he said? Is he going to get me fired? I’ll rip him a new one if he’s screwing with my career.

  “He called me last night and begged me for your phone number.”

  “He did what?” I look down at my phone, expecting to receive a call from him.

  “I didn’t give it to him, Ivy. But he pleaded and begged. I told him no, I needed to talk to you first. He also begged me not to tell you. So, what’s the deal with him? I’ll drop his ass if he tried anything on you.”

  Stephanie is a fireball. She’s tiny in size, maybe five-foot-two. But what she lacks in height she makes up for with a ferocious personality. She once coldcocked a client when he grabbed her breast. With her connections in this town, she went on to get him blackballed from all the real estate agents in the area. She’s a tiger. And if she gets wind of someone trying to cross her, or any of her staff, she’ll resort to ruthlessness to screw them over.

  “Nothing like that.” I breathe out deeply, and look back down at my phone.

  “If he’s harassing…”

  “No, he’s not. We dated back in high school.”

  “Oh, it didn’t work out,” she says in a small voice.

  “You could say that, or you could say he left one day without a goodbye and never returned. I don’t even know why he left.”

  “Hey look, I’m no marriage counselor, but have you asked?”

  “The thing is, I wanted to know for so many years. But I came to accept that I’d never see him again. Then yesterday, I thought you had forgotten something but it was him. I ran out of there so fast. I’m sorry I didn’t get to finish.”

  Stephanie flicks her wrist flippantly at me. “Don’t even worry about the photos. Do you want me to give him your number?”

  “No!” I say with a note of panic in my voice. A small part of me thinks I deserve an explanation as to why he ran away like a coward. But a wiser part of me says to leave it in the past. “He broke me,” I whisper. “I can’t go through that again.”

  “Okay then. I’ll tell him to find another agent.”

  “Please, don’t do that. Just make sure he’s not there so I can go and finish the photos. No need to lose business because of the history we once had. That’s unfair to you.”

  Stephanie sits back and crosses her arms in front of her chest. “I’m telling you what I’m going to tell him. If he screws with you, I’ll drop him and make sure no other agent will list him.”

  I smile at her scheming ways. “Deal.”

  “I know he has class all day today, so you can go over and finish. I’ll come with you.” She stands from behind her table and picks her suit jacket up.

  “Honestly, it’ll be fine. I’m okay.” I know Stephanie is protective of her agency and her staff, so I know she’ll be like a pit bull on guard if she comes. And that will make me nervous, and I don’t want to be on edge and nervous.
r />   “Call me if he shows up. I’ll take care of it.”

  What I really like about Stephanie is she didn’t pry. She didn’t want the juicy gossip and mechanics as to why we broke up. She believes in what I’ve said, and takes my word without questioning. I really like her.

  “Okay, I’ll bring the keys back when I’m done.”

  She nods her head, before starting to type on her laptop.

  Standing, I head out to my car. My nerves are shot. Stephanie said he’s in class, but it doesn’t mean he won’t stay at the apartment waiting for me.

  I have to put my brave face on, and deal with this head-on. If he’s there, then I’ll confront him and get it over and done with. Rip off the Band-Aid quickly.

  I can do this.

  And even if he is there, and I do confront him, I’ll call Elizabeth and talk to her. With her support, I’ll be able to get through this.

  Driving over to Tobias’s apartment, I wind myself up for a confrontation with him. I expect him to be there. Pacing back and forth, waiting for me to open the door.

  I park outside and grab my camera bag. Heading up, I give myself a pep talk. This will be okay. This will be okay. This will be okay.

  I’m strong. I can do this.

  When I reach his apartment, I knock and wait. But I hear nothing.

  I blow out a huge sigh. Even though I was ready for a clash, I still didn’t want to have to go through it.

  I place my camera bag on the sofa, take my camera out, and head into the kitchen. It looks exactly the way it did yesterday, with one exception. An envelope with my name written on the front of it lies on the counter.

  I stare at the envelope for a long minute. The outside world could have stopped for all I know. A world war could’ve broken out. Anything could’ve happened. But in here, time has ceased. The hands on the clock have stopped ticking. Everything is focused and drawn toward the crisp white envelope sitting on the kitchen counter.

  It takes all my willpower to step away from it. But my head keeps turning so I can look at it. I really don’t know what to do. I take my phone out of my pocket and call Jared.

  “I’m just about to head into class. What’s up?”

  “I’m back at Tobias’s apartment.”

  “Don’t tell me, he was waiting for you.”

  “Not exactly, but I was expecting him to. He’s left me a letter. Should I read it?”

  “Ivy,” he huffs into the phone. “I can’t tell you what to do. You’ve got to make that decision. No one else can make it for you.”

  “I don’t know what to do.”

  “Sorry, girlfriend, but I can’t help you with this.”

  “What would you do?” I ask.

  “Let me ask you this. You just said you were prepared for him to be there when you went back. What would you have done if he was there?”

  “I was preparing myself for a confrontation.”

  “Then you were ready for him to say what he wanted to say.”

  “But this way isn’t fair. He’ll get a chance to say what he wants and I can’t reply. That’s not fair, Jared. He’ll get his say.”

  “Then don’t take the letter. Ignore it.”

  “But I want to prepare myself for whatever bullshit he tries to spout.”

  “Then there’s your answer. You want to read it, but be prepared. No matter what’s written inside, it’s going to send you into an emotional turmoil.”

  My shoulders sink forward and I rub my temple. “I’m already there, Jared.”

  “Then take it. What you have going for you is you know where he lives. He has no idea where you live. Which means once you’re ready, you can reply to his letter, in person or via a letter. So really, you’re the one with the control here. Either way you look at it.”

  I breathe a little lighter, knowing what Jared’s said is right. “Okay. I’ll take it, but I won’t read it until I’m ready.”

  “I gotta go, class is about to start. Love ya, see you at home. By the way, I heard you say you’re making pasta tonight.”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “Yeah, you did. And what’s that? You’re getting garlic bread too. Sure, if you insist.”

  I smile into the phone. “See you when you get home.” Hanging up, I gaze back over to the envelope. I pick it up, and it weighs as much as a brick. Figuratively.

  Sliding it into my back pocket, I’m so aware it’s there. “Okay, you can do this, Ivy. Just take the pictures and get out before he gets back here.”

  I take the remaining photos of the apartment for Stephanie. All the while, my head is completely pre-occupied with the letter in my pocket. I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do. I don’t know if I’m going to read it, or if I’ll rip it up and throw it away.

  I check the pictures I’ve taken, making sure I get everything the way Stephanie likes. But I missed some of the bedroom, so I head back in there to take some more. Every sound is magnified as I listen for the front door.

  A bubble deep inside my stomach simmers away. The hairs on the back of my neck and my arms are at attention. I’m hyperaware of everything going on in this apartment. I can even hear the ding of the elevator as the door opens.

  It hits me hard. What if it’s Tobias who got off the elevator and he’s now heading here?

  Panic blankets me.

  I was fully prepared to see him here, but when he wasn’t, I was able to breathe. Now though, I’m struggling.

  There’s a jingle of keys, then a door opens. I stand, staring at the front door… waiting. The door that’s opening isn’t the one to this apartment. My stomach churns again.

  “Get a grip,” I scold myself.

  I sink on the sofa, and rub my palms over my face. I take several deep breaths before I finally pull myself together. I let out a nervous laugh. Shaking my head, I look around the apartment and notice a framed photo on the sideboard.

  I walk over to it, and pick it up. I don’t remember seeing any personal photos here yesterday. I quickly grab my camera and go over the photos I took from yesterday. Zooming in, I see the pictures on the sideboard. Obviously, I took no notice of them.

  Packing my camera away again, I head over to the sideboard. The picture is of Tobias and his mom. They’re standing on the inside of the apartment, which is bare of furniture. Tobias is dangling a key, while his mom is taking a selfie of the both of them.

  Clara is nowhere to be seen. I hope she’s okay. I’ve always liked Clara. She was raw and honest. I hope she’s still the same way.

  I place the framed photo back, and pick up one to the side, concealed by the one I was holding. It’s a photo of Tobias and me.

  Smiling, I gently rub my finger over his beautiful face. I remember this picture. He snapped it when we went for our picnic. We were happy together, even if I was battling my own demons.

  Tears well in my eyes, but I have to stay strong. I have to remember how Tobias left without as much as a ‘I have to leave.’ He packed up his life, and disappeared. Even changing his phone number and closing down his email. Tobias did this, not me.

  I place the photo back, faced down. I want him to know we’re over. And we don’t need to revisit the past. No one lives there anymore.

  I don’t look around any further. I’ve invaded his privacy enough, and there are no nostalgic memories I want to recall.

  Picking up my camera bag, I head out the door to the elevator. I press the button, and wait for it to ding open.

  Thankfully, the elevator is empty, and I slightly relax into the notion that I won’t be seeing Tobias today after all. But I won’t fully relax until I’m far away from here.

  The elevator doors open, and there, leaning against the opposite wall, is Tobias.

  Shit! I had a gut feeling I was going to see him. I was hoping to get away before he came back. But obviously, fate has decided to step in and ruin another day for me.

  I pull my shoulders back and move out of the elevator. Tobias sees me, and tries to offer me a smil
e. I ignore it, and keep walking.

  “Please,” he whispers in a barely audible voice. “Please, let me explain.”

  My stupid feet decide to stop. My mind wants to scream at them, but it appears I want to hear him out. “What?” I snap at him. Yes, I’m being horrible. But he broke my heart. He ruined me for any potential relationship because I expected every man to be perfect, like him, and he ruined me for every one of those who followed him.

  “Can we get some lunch and talk?”

  “You want a sit-down meal with me? You’re lucky I even stopped walking.”

  “I know. I’m so grateful you did stop. But I have to make this right, Ivy.”

  I raise my brows at him and purse my lips together. “You could’ve made it right before deciding to take off by saying goodbye. The only reason you want to make this right now is because you saw me yesterday. If it wasn’t me taking the photos of your apartment, you’d never come to find me.”

  “I’ve always known where you are,” he says.

  I step back and clutch at my head. “What are you saying, Tobias? You’ve been stalking me?”

  “No, not stalking. But I’ve been making sure you’re okay. I came to your graduation. I sat in the hall, watching you. I’ve never been prouder of anyone in my life.”

  “You were there?”

  “I was. I’ve never really gone anywhere.”

  I step forward, so does he. “You’ve been here the whole time?” I take another step forward.

  “Yes,” he says. I look up at him and can see the desperation in his eyes. “I’ve never left you.”

  A tear falls from my eye. I lift my hand and smack him across the face. “You bastard. You hurt me!” I scream at him. “You broke my heart by leaving me. But you kept watch over me? Well guess what—you’re off duty now. You have no right to be in my life.”

  I turn to leave the building, but he calls after me, “If you took the letter, please read it.”

  Bawling, I run to my car.

  He’s hurt me again. But this time, I walked into it.

  Ivy,

  I was a coward when I left you.

  Please, I need you to read to the end of this letter so you can understand why I did what I did.