Drowning

by Margaret McHeyzer

  From a young age, I was battling my own demons. I thought I had it together and was living my life, but as it turns out, I wasn’t doing a good job at controlling the demon inside of me.

  I thought I was whole, and okay. But obviously, I wasn’t, or I wouldn’t have hit Jared. The moment I hit him, it killed me, because I realized how broken I still was.

  When I got home, I talked to Mom and Clara about what happened. They wanted me to stay and talk to you, but I couldn’t. I was ashamed for so many reasons.

  First, I hit my best friend. Jared has never been anything but kind and accepting to me. He and I built a great friendship, and I went and screwed it up by hitting him. I’ll forever regret how I treated him, especially considering I left without apologizing to him.

  My biggest regret was leaving you.

  But I knew I wasn’t ready to go where I wanted to with you. I wanted a lifetime, and I knew if I stayed it would’ve only been a few months.

  You were broken, and I was shattered. Two broken pieces don’t make a whole. We would’ve been volatile, and unable to have a safe future when we were both still battling our own demons.

  So, I left. I knew I had to make myself better before I had any chance of a happy future with you. I had to confront my demons, stare them in the eye and deal with what happened.

  Walking away from you was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I was never too far from you.

  Even though I left, I was selfish in keeping an eye on you. I had to make sure you were okay.

  When I saw you at your graduation, my heart stopped. You were a vision, and looked so happy. I watched you walk across the stage, hesitate for a second before you accepted your diploma, then look out to the audience. I thought you were searching for me, I held onto hope that you wanted me to be there and you were missing me as much as I was missing you.

  I never gave up on us, Ivy. I had to make sure I was healthy in my mind so we could live a happy life. I knew there was no way we could work long-term if I couldn’t get my head right.

  When I left, I found a psychologist who worked with me intensively. He specializes in what I’ve been through, and he’s helped me so much. I’m not anywhere near whole yet, but I’m in a better place than I’ve ever been before.

  When I saw you yesterday, every moment, every touch, every single kiss we shared came flooding back, and I knew I couldn’t stay away from you anymore. I need you back in my life. I need you. I can’t be without you anymore.

  I’ve worked hard on getting my head right, and I know now I’m strong enough for whatever comes my way. Our way.

  I left because I wanted to be able to give you the best of me. It’s the least you deserve., I wasn’t able to do that then, but now I can. I can give you the best version of me. Please, just meet me for coffee. I need to have a chance with you. I know I have to work on us again, and I’m willing to spend the rest of my life proving it to you.

  I want to beg you for a second chance, but I doubt you think I deserve one. And that’s fair, especially considering how I left you once before. All I hope, for now, is that you will have a coffee with me. Let me tell you why I left face-to-face.

  Please.

  I hope to hear from you soon.

  I love you.

  T.

  I’ve barely slept. I read the letter hours ago, and I’ve been tossing and turning all night. Two nights in a row, my thoughts have been completely consumed by Tobias. I stare up at the ceiling, the muted light of the moon reflecting on the shiny objects in my room.

  Standing from my bed, I head over to the window and gaze up to the sky. I let out a small chuckle. It’s funny how the stars are always here when I need them most. Sometimes I feel like they can sense when I’m at my most vulnerable and are ready to care for me.

  “You’re here,” I say to them. They respond in the regal, proud, sparkling way they always do. “Should I give him another chance?” They twinkle happily above the world.

  I crinkle my brows together, and think about his letter. His words are terrifying. Not the part where he says he loves me, I’ve always known he’s loved me. Not even the part where he says he thought I was searching for him at my graduation, because the day I received my diploma, I did stop on the stage and look out at the audience. Dad was front and center, and clapping so loudly; but I was looking for Tobias. I sensed that he’d be in the audience. But I never saw him.

  Those aren’t the words that hold the most amount of terror to them. Nope, those, I can handle.

  The word he’s said which absolutely scares the shit out of me, is the one word I can relate to on a deeper and more personal level.

  Demon.

  I knew Tobias had secrets; I’ve always known. But he’s used a word I can not only identify with, but I can apply to the way my life was.

  My demon will always be in my life. But over the years with Elizabeth, I’ve discovered how to manage him. There may come a time when medication is needed, and I’m completely prepared for that. But for now, I’m dealing with it more holistically.

  Tobias’s use of the word “demon” has me intrigued. I’m not sure I can give him another chance, but he deserves the opportunity to explain himself to me.

  I jump to my feet and flick my light on. I’m not going to get any sleep tonight. This letter will swirl around in my mind all night. The ‘what-if’ scenarios will manifest and I’ll get myself worked up to the point where I’ll need to see Elizabeth.

  I need to take control of my life.

  Throwing on some jeans and a t-shirt, I slip my feet into a pair of sport shoes, grab my keys and head out of the apartment.

  I’m in my car in a matter of minutes, and driving toward Tobias’s apartment. My brain starts fighting with me.

  He won’t be there.

  He’s with another woman.

  He doesn’t want to see you.

  I ignore my head, and keep driving.

  I reach his apartment, and see someone leaving his building the moment I get to the door. I slink inside, and make my way to the third floor. I have no idea if he’s here, but I have to try. I can’t wait.

  I start knocking on his door, getting louder with each passing second.

  The door opens, and Tobias is standing in front of me, shirtless, and sleepy. “Ivy? What are you doing here?” he asks as he ushers me inside.

  “I have to know,” I reply standing just inside the doorway.

  “Know what?” he closes the door, and scrubs his hand over his sleepy face.

  “Your demons. What are they?”

  He takes in a sharp breath and takes a step backward. His shoulders drop as he nods to himself. “I’ll make us coffee.” He takes another step back, but this time, I’m over having to wait.

  “No! No fucking coffee. No fucking lies. Just tell me, Tobias. You said the word ‘demons’ and I need to know right now what you mean.”

  “Ivy…” He shakes his head and looks away.

  The tension is growing inside my belly. I want to scream at him and make him tell me what he means. Everything inside me tightens more with every breath I take. “I can’t do this again. Either you tell me, or I leave.”

  The silence between us is deafening. It echoes in my ears. A sharp pinging pierces my eardrums. I’m waiting… anticipating what he’s going to say.

  Tobias’s shoulders rise and fall quickly. His taut chest is expanding and contracting with his breathing. “It started when I was four,” he finally says in a flat voice.

  “What started when you were four?” I question.

  “I was four when my father started to groom me.”

  In front of me is a man who is damaged. The words coming from his mouth are weak and pained, and so damn raw. My heart hurts for him. Every hair on my body stands at attention as a cold wave smashes into my body. “Tobias…” I whisper.

  “How do you drink your coffee?” he asks as I sit at his kitchen counter.

  Staring at him, I’m speechless at the admiss
ion he’s dropped on me. I always knew we shared a darkness, but I never thought his was something as monumental as sexual abuse. “Cream and one sugar.”

  He turns his back to me, and continues making our coffees. “I can feel your eyes burning into me.”

  “I’m sorry,” I reply and look away. “It’s just I never thought you were… I mean how you were… shit, Tobias, I don’t know what to say.”

  He brings over my coffee and sits on the opposite side of the counter. His bed-rumpled hair is sticking up in all different directions. But I notice how his eyes are shadowed by something I can’t quite put my finger on. “There’s really nothing you can say. But if you have questions, I’ll answer them. I want to be completely transparent to you, Ivy. I’ve put you through hell; it’s the least I can do now.” He takes a sip of his coffee, and I find myself still staring at him. When he puts his mug down, he takes a deep breath and says, “This isn’t a way to win you back, it’s a way for me to finally tell you about my past and clear the heaviness between us.”

  Nodding my head, I lift the mug, blow on it and take a sip. When I set it down, I try to get all the questions right in my head before I ask him anything. “I don’t want to know any specifics about the act itself.”

  “Acts,” he corrects. My stomach churns with nausea. Tears spring to my eyes, but I hold it together.

  “How long did it go on for?”

  “Until I was nine.”

  “Oh man,” I mumble and look away from him. My heart is bleeding and ripping into tiny shreds. “How…?” My voice dwindles to quiet. I don’t even know what to ask.

  “He started when I was four. But at first it wasn’t full-on,” he says without saying anything graphic. “He made it into a game. And he always told me this is how adults show love. And he loved me so much.”

  “That was so… wrong.” Nausea sits in my stomach.

  “He told me it was our special secret, and not to tell anyone else because they didn’t love me as much as he did. They’d try to take me away from him.”

  “And you had no reason not to believe him, because he was your father.”

  “I thought it was normal for him to do what he did to me. He was so careful though. He was a pillar of the community. No one suspected it. After all, he was an upstanding family man. But at night, he’d become the monster every kid is scared of.”

  “You were frightened by him?”

  “No, I wasn’t. But when it all came out, I realized how demonic he actually was. He groomed me. Told me no one would believe me if I told. Told me this is how families show love. He already had my trust, and he manipulated that.”

  “Tobias.” I reach out for his hand, but he picks up his coffee and takes another sip.

  “As I got older, he made it more ‘fun.’” He’s not looking at me, I don’t think he can. His eyes fill with tears, but he’s pushing through this. “I thought it was normal. I thought this is how we show love.”

  I place my hand to my heart, absolutely appalled by Tobias’s father. How can a man do such horrible things to his own child? To any child?

  “He… um… he’d buy me presents and tell me it’s because I was his special little boy.”

  “He paid you off for your silence,” I say.

  Tobias nods his head, and wipes at his tears. “He felt better when he’d buy me something. Almost like it justified what he was doing to me.”

  “Oh, man,” I sigh, sorrow lacing my voice.

  “I still remember the waft of stale cigar smoke. It had a heavy stench to it, and it still makes my stomach roll whenever I smell it.”

  “This is so screwed up.”

  He nods his head. “We’d go out to the movies as a family, and I’d watch him hold Mom’s hand and wonder why he’d do that when he’d tell me how much he loved me. Then I’d watch him kiss her, and wonder if he liked kissing her as much as he liked kissing me.” Tobias wipes more tears away. “I was jealous of my own Mom. I remember looking at her and thinking, ‘why is she so special?’”

  Bile rises to the back of my throat. I feel sick listening to this. “How did it stop?” I don’t want to know anymore, but I need to let Tobias tell me everything he’s prepared to say.

  A small smile lifts the right side of his lips. “Clara,” he says.

  “Clara? How?”

  “She came over to the house for a visit, and she wanted to take a selfie with me. She’s the original selfie queen,” he adds with mirth.

  “I still don’t get how she’s involved.”

  “I sat on her lap, and I was in pain because… well… you know,” he says. I nod my head, I do know. “When I sat on her lap, I winced because I was hurting and she asked me what I’d done to myself. At first I refused to tell her, but she’s one clever woman. She started asking me questions, but not invasive ones. And I ended up telling her because of the way in which she was asking me questions. It wasn’t an interrogation, it was a question here and there. I remember she took me out for an ice cream, and as we sat at the table she asked me if dad ever told me how special I was. When I told her what dad would say to me, she smiled and winked and told me I was an awesome kid.”

  “What happened from there?”

  “We kept talking, and I told her the secret dad wanted me to keep. I told her everything. She never reacted in front of me. She didn’t make me feel like it was wrong or I was bad. We just talked. We talked for a long time. She even bought me another ice cream. I know now she was getting all the information she needed from me, without frightening me.”

  “Did she go to the police with what you said?”

  Tobias half-chuckles. “Not right away,” he says. I tilt my head in a questioning way. “She beat the ever-loving shit out of him first.”

  “Oh my God,” I say. “I should be shocked, but I’m actually not.”

  “Put him in hospital. She also broke his penis.”

  “Wait… what? I want to ask how, but I don’t want the answer at the same time.”

  “A baseball bat.”

  I close my legs on instinct. But I must admit, it served him right. “What happened next?”

  “She called my Mom and told her what happened, then called the police and told them to come arrest her for beating up her son.”

  “Wait, Clara is your dad’s mom? I thought she was your mom’s mom.”

  He shakes his head at me. “Nope, she’s his mom.”

  “Just give me a moment. I need to wrap my head around all of this.” I lift my lukewarm coffee and take a mouthful. This is a lot to comprehend. Tobias’s faraway gaze speaks volumes. He’s recalling the worst part of his life, opening his heart, and telling me everything. That’s got to be difficult. “What happened from there?”

  “Clara was arrested. Dad was taken to the hospital and an investigation started.”

  “You were subjected to questions about the relationship your father had with you.”

  “Yeah. They had a psychologist who worked with the police, and she talked to me. She made me feel safe, and that whatever I told her wasn’t going to get me in trouble. She was my first dealing with a mental health professional. Obviously, I had no idea then what was happening, but I’ve since recognized who she was and what she was doing.”

  “And Clara?”

  “She was arrested, and was found guilty of aggravated assault. But the judge gave her a suspended sentence and let her go.”

  “And your father?”

  “He’s still in jail. Not eligible for parole for another year.”

  “That’s a lengthy sentence. Although, in my opinion it’s not long enough, he should be in there for life.”

  “His sentence is long because, as it turns out, I wasn’t the only boy. And he had close to ten thousand images of other kids on his computer.”

  The vomit inches closer to making its exit. “This makes me sick to my core.”

  Tobias diverts his gaze as he nods his head. “I know, it’s disgusting.”

  “It truly is
.” I pick my now-cold coffee up and take another sip. I’ve been so invested in Tobias’s story that the coffee is only quarter finished and cold. “That’s why you hit Jared that night.”

  “I didn’t mean to. I knew he was kidding, but I just lost it and hit him. I knew what I did was wrong. I felt like the worst person in the world when I hit him. I regretted it the moment I did it. But I couldn’t change how I reacted.”

  “But that still doesn’t tell me why you left. You packed up and disappeared.”

  He lifts his head and looks straight into my eyes. “Because I felt like I was drowning, and I couldn’t take you down with me.”

  Realization stuns me. I can’t relate to what his father did to him, but I can relate to feeling like you’re so far under the water that you’ll never be able to lift your head above it to take a breath again.

  Drowning.

  A feeling so deeply ingrained in my soul that I can completely understand. This explains his need to protect me. We were both fighting for air.

  More tears fall from my eyes. Tobias wipes his away. He stands from his seat, lifts his chin, and pulls his shoulders back. “I’ll understand if you want to leave,” he says.

  “Why would I leave?” I ask.

  “Because you just said it’s sickening. I know it’s shameful, and trust me, I still struggle with it myself. I can only imagine what you’re thinking. How revolting I am.”

  I stand and make my way to him. I step into him, hugging him around the waist. “You were only a child, and he was a predator. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This isn’t on you, Tobias. This is on him. He was the adult who used your love to get what he wanted.”

  His arms come around me, returning my hug. He feels so right against my body. “I’ve struggled with this all my life. And when I found you, I didn’t know how to tell you. I was dead inside, Ivy. Dead. I wasn’t breathing, I wasn’t living, I was merely getting by. I knew we were meant to be together. But that night, something inside me snapped. It was a combination of you telling Jared and me about your demon and knowing I couldn’t do anything to protect you from him, and Jared making jokes about me that pushed me over the edge. I knew the moment I hit him, I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t going to get out of this alive. And I couldn’t let you down. But as it turns out, that’s exactly what I did. I slunk away in the middle of the night like a coward. I let you down regardless of what I wanted.”