Drowning

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “If you had explained, none of this would’ve happened.”

  “That’s another thing I’ve struggled with too. But in all honesty, we were different people back then. You were dealing with your own things, I was dealing with mine. I couldn’t tell you. I was so embarrassed.”

  I remember not being able to tell him about my cutting when I was in the hospital, even though it put our relationship at risk. Stepping out of the hug, I search his eyes and can only see the hurt and shame he’s experiencing. His eyes are dull and pleading, not the usual deep, rich, dark brown I know.

  “Maybe you’re right. Maybe my reaction would’ve been different. But you took that away from me, without giving me a chance.”

  “I know. I didn’t treat you like an equal. I thought I knew what was best for both of us. But in reality, I was only looking out for myself. I get it, Ivy, I really do. And I’m so sorry for that. I shouldn’t have taken your choice away from you. At the time, it was the only thing I could think of doing. It’s not an excuse. I was too young, with too much emotional baggage. I didn’t know how to handle things; I couldn’t see clearly.”

  “How do I know you won’t take off again if the going gets rough?”

  “You don’t. You just have to have faith in me.”

  I’m not sure what to do. “Give me some time, Tobias. I need to talk to my psychologist, Elizabeth, and try to figure out what’s going on in my head.” His mouth drops at the edges, I can see his disappointment. “It’s got nothing to do with what you’ve told me. What happened to you is tragic at best, and crushing at worst. I need some time to think about everything.”

  He nods and adds with a false smile. “Of course,” he says. “I understand.”

  I take my keys out of my pocket and dangle them off my fingers. Turning to leave, I stop before I make it to the door. Turning back, I smile at this broken Tobias. I’ve caught the anguish flooding off him. “Tobias,” I say snapping him out of the trance-like stare.

  “Yeah?” he responds plastering the fake smile on his face again.

  “Thank you, for telling me and trusting me with it. I promise, I won’t repeat it to anyone.”

  “You’ll need to tell your psychologist. And I’m okay with that.”

  Drawing my brows together, I try and shake the heavy feeling off. But I can’t. This is huge. We’ve made a monumental step toward a better future for us if we get back together again. I take the few steps toward him, and give him a soft kiss on the cheek. “You look really good, Tobias,” I say and back away.

  This time the smile reaches his eyes. “You’ve always been beautiful to me,” he returns.

  Leaving his apartment is hard. I want to stay and talk more, but I know this is going to screw with my head and might send me into a tail-spin. I need to get to Elizabeth, and fast.

  Ivy. Azael calls for me.

  Shit, I thought I had him under control.

  Nope, not gonna happen. You’re not going to lure me in the way you used to. I’m stronger now and I will fight you and I will win.

  “Ivy, how are you?” Elizabeth asks as I head into her office and take my favorite seat. In the corner there’s a large blue cushion on the floor.

  “I saw Tobias last night.”

  Elizabeth sits in her seat, takes her writing pad out and starts making notes. “How did you see him?”

  “I had an assignment taking photos of an apartment a couple of days ago, and he showed up. I didn’t know it was his apartment.”

  “How did you feel?”

  “Angry, hurt, shaky. Last night I went to see him again. Man, it’s hard to explain. He left me a letter when I went back to finish the job, and then…” I’m getting lost in my train of thought and jumping all around the place.

  “Back up a moment, Ivy. When was the first time you saw him again?”

  “Two days ago. I had to take photos of this apartment, and my boss had to leave. She left me the keys, and told me to take them back to the office. As I was taking the pictures, I heard the front door open and I thought it was my boss, you know-, maybe she’d forgotten something. As it turns out, it was Tobias.”

  “What happened when you first saw him?”

  “So many emotions and feelings came flooding back. I was angry, and happy, and excited, and sad, all rolled together. It confused me. He tried to apologize, and at that stage I became so angry at him, because he hurt me in the past, that I took off. I didn’t want to be there to hear him out.”

  “Where did you go?”

  “Home, and I told Jared about it. He’s a lot more forgiving than I am.”

  “We’ll come back to this. But after all that, how did you see him again yesterday too?”

  “I had to finish taking the pictures. So I went and took them, and I saw an envelope he’d left addressed to me. I struggled with whether I should take it or not. A part of me wanted to know what it said, and another part of me wanted to tell Tobias to go screw himself. To tell him he doesn’t get another chance with me, because I don’t want to have my heart ripped out of my chest again.”

  “What happened? Did you take the letter?”

  I stare at my sneakers, and play with the laces. “I took it. But then I ran into him as I was leaving. And I slapped him and called him a coward. He begged me to read the letter. On principal I was going to rip it up and throw it away, but I ended up reading it.”

  “What did it say?”

  I slide it out of my back pocket, stand and hand it to her. “You can read it yourself.” She daintily crosses her legs, and slides the letter out of the envelope. I go to sit on my cushion, and nervously chew on my thumb nail. I watch her eyes as she reads the letter, she’s remaining impassive and not saying anything about the letter.

  She gets to the end and lifts her brows, before folding it up, sliding it back into the envelope and passing it back to me.

  “What did you think when you were reading this?”

  “He used a word I’m more than familiar with.” Elizabeth looks over her glasses at me. “Demons. He used the words demons. When I finished reading it, I wanted to still be angry at him. But my curiosity was stronger. I needed to know what his demons were… or are.”

  “How do you feel that he was at your graduation and didn’t come to say anything to you?”

  “Deep down inside I knew he was there, or maybe I hoped he was.”

  “Yes, we talked about this when you graduated. You did say to me you thought he was in the audience. But, that’s not an answer to my question.”

  “If I’m being honest with myself, I’d say I was hurt.” I stand to my feet and start pacing inside her roomy office. My shoes scuff along the cushy carpet, and I try to form any type of cognitive reasoning to my thoughts. “I had to know what he meant by demons. I debated going to his house, but I went anyway. I got there just after two-thirty this morning.”

  “Was he home? I know you said he’s selling, but it doesn’t mean he’d be there.”

  “He was home. He opened the door, and I asked him. I told him I didn’t want to be kept in the dark any longer, and to tell me everything.”

  “What happened.”

  “He told me. He told me all about his demons.”

  Elizabeth takes her glasses off and folds them. “How do they relate to yours?” Elizabeth hasn’t come right out and asked me exactly what his demons are. She has to tread carefully because they’re another person’s secrets and not mine, I suppose.

  “He was sexually abused by his father from a very young age.”

  “And how did you feel when he told you?”

  “Sad. Angry. Hurt. Sick. He explained to me why he left when he did. He said it was because he felt like he was drowning and he knew he wasn’t dealing with his past, even though he thought he had. I can understand it. I was angry when he left, and I had been angry about it ever since. But now I understand why he did.”

  “Why do you think he left?”

  “I told you, because he hadn’t dealt wi
th his past.”

  “No, that’s what Tobias told you. I want to know why you think he left?”

  I stop pacing, and sit on my cushion. This is a hard one. I know what he told me, and I completely believe him, but I need to interpret it so I understand it completely. “I think he left because he was scared, and ashamed. He didn’t want to tell me about his father because my reaction might not have been something he could handle. And remember, he left just after the night I told him about Azael and my cutting. He left because he was afraid I was going to let him down if he told me about his past. And even if I say I wouldn’t have let him down, maybe at that stage I would’ve. I was messed up myself,” I admit. “I was seriously messed up, Elizabeth.”

  “That’s not a technical term I like to use.” She smiles and winks at me. “But yes, you had things happening you were starting to recognize.”

  I stare at the floor again. Entranced by the noise in my head. “He came back last night too.” The moment I speak the sentence, I know Elizabeth knows who I’m talking about.

  “How did you respond to him?”

  “He tried to snare me. But I knew what he was doing, and I didn’t let him in.”

  “Well done. What did you do to block him?”

  “I went home and used the breathing techniques you taught me. I got rid of him easily, but I think I may need to look at medication if he comes back any stronger. I don’t want to go back to where I was.”

  “We can arrange that. Let’s take one step at a time.”

  I nod my head, deep in thought, staring at the carpet again.

  The rest of my time with Elizabeth is spent talking about Tobias and what I want to do. When I walk out of her office, I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m so glad I made my emergency appointment, because I’m unsure I’d be strong enough to handle this on my own.

  But, I’m still undecided about Tobias. I suppose, this is a decision only I can make.

  I’m going to have to think on it before I leap into anything.

  The problem is, my soul misses him, and my heart beats for him.

  And I’m still in love with him.

  “Thank you for agreeing to do this, Jared.”

  Jared looks up from the setting the table and gives me a cheeky smile. “You’re on dish duty for the next month. Good exchange if you ask me. I let you bring Tobias over, and I get out of doing dishes.”

  Walking over to him, I give him a hug. Jared would do anything for me. And when I asked him if it was okay for Tobias to come over for dinner, I could see in his eyes how he just wants me to be happy. “Thank you,” I say as I cuddle into his tall, skinny frame.

  He kisses the top of my head and hugs me back. “I’m expecting an apology from him.”

  “I hope you get it.”

  We finish setting the table, and head into the kitchen where I’ve made a lasagna and am now chopping vegetables for a salad. “You’re different since you’ve been seeing him. Are you two dating again?”

  “Not yet. We’ve been hanging out, and talking. I want to make sure I’m okay before I step into a relationship with him. He’s got baggage, I’ve got baggage, and I want to know we can work before I take that leap with him.”

  “You know, you’ll stumble and you’ll fall. Having him beside you when you do isn’t such a bad thing.”

  “Sounds like you’ve already forgiven him,” I say as I grab a couple of tomatoes and chop them.

  “I forgave him the day he left. But, I still want an apology.”

  “But he hit you, how can you forgive him so easily?”

  “Because, I knew when he left, he left for a reason. He wouldn’t have abandoned you if what he did to me meant nothing to him.”

  “Why have you never said anything to me before?”

  “Because I was hoping he’d come back. For you. And first and foremost, my loyalties lie with you, not Tobias. You needed me to be there for you, and I wasn’t going to push my opinions about Tobias on you, when he hurt you the way he did.”

  “You’re a confusing man, Jared. I always thought you hated him.”

  “I was angry at him, yes, but I forgave him. To leave the way he did, it made no sense. Here’s a man who threw himself on you to protect you when Tyler Lewis stormed our classroom. It made no sense that he’d leave just because he hit me. He had to leave.”

  “But you don’t even know why he left.”

  “Nope. Are you ever gonna tell me?” He quickly snatches a piece of lettuce and eats it.

  “I can’t, Jared. I wish I could, but it’s not my story to tell. If Tobias wants to tell you, then he will. Just like I’d never tell anyone anything you told me.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I get it. Loyal… trustworthy and all that bullshit,” he sarcastically groans. “Why can’t you be a gossip queen?”

  “That’s you,” I snap at him playfully.

  Jared stands and wobbles his head at me. “Girlfriend, you’ve just taken on laundry duty too.” He clicks his fingers sassily at me.

  “No way! I’m not washing your skid marks,” I call to him.

  There’s a knock on the door, and Jared turns to look at me.

  My hands still and my heart skips a beat with anticipation of how this night might turn out. “I’ll get the door,” Jared says as I place the knife on the kitchen counter. My palms are sweaty and I rub them down the front of my jeans as I walk out of the kitchen and head toward the door.

  Jared opens the door and my gaze lands on the most beautiful man in the world. He’s tall, wearing a dark gray shirt, with fitted black pants. He looks perfect. He’s holding a huge bouquet of bright, colorful flowers, and a bottle of wine.

  “Jared.” He gives Jared a small nod.

  “Tobias. Come in,” Jared replies in an icy tone. I know what he’s doing. He’s not letting Tobias off easily.

  Tobias’s gaze seeks me out, and the moment he sees me, he lets out a deep breath. His shoulders instantly relax, and a genuine smile lights up his face. “You’re so beautiful,” he says shamelessly. He shakes his head, like he’s dislodging an illicit thought before he walks over to me and hands me the flowers. “These are for you,” he says.

  “Thank you. They’re gorgeous.” There’s a sweet, rich smell filling the room, coming from the flowers. I lean in and give Tobias a kiss on the cheek before heading into the kitchen to find a vase in which to place the flowers.

  “Jared,” Tobias says as he stands to his full height.

  Jared gives him a once-over, his lips pursed together tightly and his left brow raised. “Yeah.” I love Jared so much, and I’m not going to say anything to him for being short and rude to Tobias. Jared needs to hear an apology, and Tobias needs to say it. That’s what’s needed to start the process of making this right between them.

  Tobias offers his hand for a shake. Jared glares at it. He won’t take it. He’s a stubborn diva when he wants to be. “I’m sorry,” Tobias says in a steady and strong voice.

  “For what?” Jared counters with snark.

  “For a lot of things. But mostly for hitting you. It’s not something I’m proud of. It’s definitely not an excuse, but when I hit you, I wasn’t in a good place.”

  “How do I know you won’t hit me again?”

  I watch as they both talk. Jared is right to ask questions, and if Tobias wants to mend their relationship, then he better answer them honestly.

  “Because I’m a better man than I was. I was struggling with my past, and I thought I was okay.” He takes a breath and looks to me. “Have you…” his words trail off, but I know he’s asking if I told Jared about his past.

  “Not my business to tell anyone.”

  Tobias takes another deep breath and turns to Jared. “I reacted the way I did because I was messed up. My dad sexually abused me for a long time when I was young. When you said what you did, I felt like you were trying to hit on me. Even though the logical part of my brain knew you really weren’t, I still reacted.”

 
“Shit a brick,” Jared says as he stares at Tobias. That’s a saying I haven’t heard from him in years. “I get it. Me saying you were cute challenged your sexuality.”

  “Yes!” Tobias says with relief. “You understand?”

  “I do.”

  “I’m so sorry, Jared. When I punched you I knew I was in trouble. I was so ashamed I hit you, and I was ashamed of everything from my past.”

  Jared stands opposite Tobias, staring at him. I can see the sympathy Jared has for Tobias. Tobias’s back is to me, and I tell he’s stressed. His shoulders are high with tension.

  Jared steps forward and throws his arms around Tobias.

  Instantaneously, Tobias’s shoulders soften and he hugs Jared too. It’s quite a stunning sight. My gay best friend and the man I love hugging. Jared breaks away before Tobias, and this makes my heart full. Tobias is comfortable enough with himself to hug Jared and not feel threatened, or ashamed, or anything else.

  Jared picks up the wine bottle Tobias has bought over and reads the label. “At least you bought over the good stuff. If it was cheap, I would’ve thrown your ass out.” He uncorks it and sets it on the table. I take the lasagna out of the oven, and bring it to the table. “Okay, you can date her,” Jared flicks his eyes to me.

  “I have to make it right first before I can date Ivy again.”

  “I’m right here, you know,” I say as I turn to get the salad from the kitchen. “I might not want to date you,” I snap to Tobias.

  He shakes his head and smiles. “Then I’m going to have to do everything in my power to win you back.”

  “The boy is smooth,” Jared adds. “If you don’t date him, I might.”

  “Sorry Jared, I’m a one-woman man.”

  “Are you calling me a woman?” Jared asks in a high-pitched tone.

  “If the high heel fits.” Tobias shrugs.

  This makes us all laugh. I know things aren’t exactly the way they used to be, but we’re also not seventeen anymore. We can all move on to the next part of our lives. Hopefully this means Tobias will be a part of it. I’ll have to wait and see.