What You Don't Know (True Hearts Book 6)

by Jaxson Kidman

  “Willow,” I said.

  She picked her head up and looked at me.

  “What happened?” I asked as I rushed to her side.

  “Travis,” she said.

  She scrambled to get to her feet, but she was so worked up, she looked like she was going to collapse.

  I caught her, my arms fitting perfectly around her. Her body pressed against mine. Her head against my chest. She cried hard. I put my right hand onto her hair and stroked it gently. My eyes moved to the left and I saw her stuff on the couch. Her bags were packed.

  Which meant I had an idea of where this conversation was going to end.

  I didn’t say anything though.

  I didn’t want to upset her even more. She could talk to me about leaving when the time was right.

  Willow finally looked up at me. “I’m so sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “For breaking the rules,” she said. “You wanted me not to fall in love with you.”

  “I was warning myself, bunny,” I said. “So, I broke the rule.”

  “We suck at this.”

  “No, we don’t. I knew I was going to break the rule.”

  “I broke it a long time ago.”

  “You told me that already. What’s really going on?”

  “How was your visit with the band?”

  “I quit for good.”

  Willow stepped back. “What?”

  “I was never part of the band,” I said. “It was a thing for me to do. They’re meant to be something bigger.”

  “You were the drummer.”

  “Exactly. Were. Was. Past tense. Used to be.”

  “Travis… no.”

  “No what?”

  “Don’t do that,” Willow said. “Don’t do that because of me.”

  “I didn’t say I did it because of you.”

  “Then why did you do it?” she asked.

  I reached and touched her cheek, wiping away a tear. “Fine. I did it for you. For us. For everything we have going on right now.”

  “No,” Willow said. She backed away so I couldn’t touch her. “You don’t get it, Travis. I have to go home. This isn’t my home. This…”

  I looked to the couch. “I see the bags, Willow. I’m not blind. And I didn’t think for a second that your coming here with me meant you were staying forever.”

  “Then how does it work?” she yelled at me.

  “Why do you have to go home?”

  “Max is sick. Wren and Mom are arguing. I can’t take this guilt.”

  “Guilt for what?” I asked. “You’re Max’s aunt. You’re damn good at taking care of him. At some point, Wren needs to act like an adult.”

  “I can’t let something happen,” Willow said. “I have to be there. When Mom gets upset… Wren doesn’t know how to handle her. And Max is sick. He’s got an ear infection.”

  I closed in on Willow. “Hey, hey, hey. Take a deep breath for a second, Willow. Talk to me about what you want. Not what everyone else wants. Be selfish for a second.”

  Willow looked me in the eyes. “I can’t do that. I can’t let something happen to someone I love. It’ll be just like before.”

  “Just like before? Meaning what?”

  “With Julie,” Willow said.

  My heart squeezed. I wasn’t exactly settled yet with saying what I said to the guys in the band. And now Willow wanted to talk about my sister?

  I gritted my teeth. “What do you mean by that?”

  “I should have been able to save her,” she said.

  “Save her…” I shook my head. “Willow, you can’t wear that. She was my sister.”

  “And she called me,” Willow said.

  “What?”

  “She called me, Travis,” she whispered. “After everything happened.”

  “What are you talking about?” I felt my heart change from aching to racing.

  Willow blinked, and fresh tears fell from her eyes. “What you don’t know, Travis, was that I was there the night Julie died…”

  29

  Hearts Smash Together

  WILLOW

  I felt like the room was going to start spinning, but it never did. I just stood there and watched as Travis slowly backed up to the seat where I had been sitting when he came home. He touched his jaw and the emotion swept across his face.

  “I wasn’t sure if you ever knew,” I said. “But you never brought it up. So, I figured…”

  “You were there,” Travis said. “How did I not know?”

  “Look at everything that happened and how fast it was,” I said. “I called for help. They arrived. I was rushed out of the bedroom. I was crying my eyes out, hugging myself, calling her name. Calling your name. I kept trying to tell them to find you. That your mother wasn’t around.”

  I stopped to suck in a breath.

  Travis stared at the floor.

  “I didn’t check my phone until after midnight. I didn’t know if she was gone by then. I was in a haze and started walking home. The cops stopped me. I thought they were going to ride my ass for being out late and being messed up. But they told me they were looking for me. Because of Julie… it was a disaster. They were trying to find my mother too. They insisted that she had to take care of everything. That because she was the mother, it mattered more than what I did for Julie.”

  “That’s just the legal crap, Travis,” I said. “That wasn’t a shot against you.”

  Travis looked at me. “You never told me this…”

  “I didn’t know how, I guess,” I said. “And right after, you left. It all became this horrible memory. I called Wren that night to help me. I could never tell my mother because it would set her off. Just the talk of what happened, and the funeral alone sent my mother down a dark spiral for a while. I didn’t even get to process anything because I had to take care of her. And you were gone…”

  Travis stood up. “So, this is my fault. Everything.”

  “What? No.”

  “Yeah it is. I tempted you, Willow. I kissed you. You fell in love with me then. And now. I left too soon, and you never got the chance to tell me what you wanted to. Right? And then I somehow made you come down here to check on me when I called for my best friend to help me.”

  “Travis…”

  He stared to pace. “No, wait. I’m not done yet. I flew back with you and faced all that fucking hell. And I forced you to take the trip with me back here.”

  “You told me to come with you.”

  I realized it was the wrong thing to say as it came out of my mouth.

  Travis froze and looked at me. Then he looked to the couch. “Did you buy a plane ticket already?”

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  He lowered his head. “So, you were going to sit there and cry. Work me over. Break my heart. And leave.”

  “No,” I said. “I was crying because I love you. I don’t want to leave you. I want you to come with me.”

  “This is my home, Willow. There’s nothing back there.”

  “You never said goodbye, Travis.”

  He took a few steps toward me and halted. His fists balled up tight. I’d never seen his eyes get so wide before.

  “I never had the fucking chance,” he said. His voice, hurt and cold.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I should have told you sooner, Travis. I kind of thought we’d eventually talk about her though. About what happened. You just walk around it though. You never bring it up.”

  “Bring it up?” he growled. “For what? I can’t fix it. She said stuff to me that night and I didn’t take it seriously enough. I left her. I left her alone and she…”

  Travis’s chin quivered.

  He quietly turned and went right for the balcony.

  I watched as he lit up a smoke and I gave him a few seconds to take the first couple of drags. I wasn’t sure what the cigarette would do to help.

  When I opened the balcony door, I was greeted with the beautiful beach air mixed with the dirtiness of the sm
oke.

  “My heart is shattered,” I said. “I thought you would understand that. I don’t know what to do. I can fly back home and make sure things get settled, okay? I never really told them what I was doing or why.”

  “And what are you doing?” Travis asked without looking at me.

  He took another deep drag with his back to me.

  I swallowed hard. “I want to be with you, Travis. I want forever with you. Here. There. On the road. Anywhere in the world.”

  “That shit gets sour pretty fast, bunny,” Travis said. He finally turned and looked at me. “Grabbing a drink at some random bar and fucking you in some random B&B is one thing… but forever? That’s a whole other set of shit. You can’t even do a month here.”

  “I don’t know what to say right now,” I said. “I’m trying to make everyone happy.”

  “But not yourself,” he said. “You’re better than all of this.”

  “Including you?”

  “Yeah, maybe you are. What do you want down here? A fantasy? Want to watch me surf? Flirt and kiss on the beach. Go out to dinner. Spend the night in bed? When does it wear off? When does the outside world stop trying to get to us?”

  “It doesn’t,” I said. “That’s life, Travis. You running from it doesn’t help anyone. Not even yourself. Fantasy? Everything you have here is a fantasy.”

  Travis took another drag of his cigarette. “Everything in your mind and heart is a fucking fantasy, Willow. You can’t fix your mother. Or your sister. You’re not Max’s damn mother either. But if you want to live that way, that’s all you.”

  “Fuck you, Travis. You can’t fix what Julie did.”

  There… I let the words out. Finally.

  “Get out,” Travis said. He flicked his cigarette off the balcony. “Go and do what you have to do, Willow. I don’t need you around here. I never asked you to show up the first time.”

  “So, this is where it all ends up? Another broken heart from the past?”

  “Looks that way,” Travis said.

  “You’re going to regret this.”

  “So are you, bunny. What’s another shovel of guilt on our souls, right?”

  My heart leapt into my throat. I caught my breath and promised myself I wouldn’t break down crying. Not in front of Travis. Not again.

  There was anger and hate in his eyes as he stared at me.

  “There was nothing anyone could have done,” I whispered. “What happened…”

  “I said to leave my apartment,” Travis said. “Go and take care of your family, Willow.”

  “Right.”

  I opened the balcony door and stepped back into the apartment.

  “Hey, bunny,” Travis called out.

  I looked at him. One last time.

  “I hope you find happiness. True happiness.”

  “Yeah. You too.”

  I shut the door.

  I looked at my bags on the couch.

  I had already called for a ride and it would be outside soon enough. My mind had been in some kind of fast lane, demanding to get back to my family to make sure they were okay. Yet the person I cared about the most stood outside behind me.

  My heart begged me to stay. My mind demanded I leave.

  I touched the bags and stood there with my eyes shut, waiting for Travis.

  Waiting for him to open the door and come rushing inside. Waiting for him to grab me. Turn me around. Cup my face. I’d taste the terrible smell of the cigarette, but I secretly loved it. Waiting for him to kiss me. And keep kissing me.

  I opened my eyes and Travis wasn’t back inside.

  I was on my own.

  Alone.

  When all I wanted to do was love him.

  Love Travis with all my heart and let our hearts smash together and heal each other.

  That was the ultimate fantasy.

  And that was what I could think about on the flight back home.

  I didn’t bother calling anyone for a ride when I landed. Instead, I charged a ride to one of my credit cards, not caring which one I used. I sat in the back seat of a black car, alone, looking out the window, watching as my old home town came back to life right before my eyes.

  And then there I was, standing on Mom’s front porch, feeling used up. Tired. Sad. Angry. Too many emotions to actually calm down and sort through at that moment. I lifted my hand and was ready to knock, when I paused.

  “No,” I whispered.

  I wasn’t going to knock at the house I grew up in anymore. Not after everything I’d done for everyone inside that house. The second something went wrong, it was my phone buzzing with someone looking for help. And now I was supposed to knock and patiently wait for someone to answer? When my heart was in pieces, tucked away in my pocket.

  I opened the door and stepped through to the smell of cabbage.

  It made my noise wrinkle.

  “Aunt Willow!” a voice yelled.

  “Max, what are you saying?” Mom’s voice yelled from the kitchen.

  Max jumped over the back of the couch and came running toward me. I dropped everything out of my hands and crouched to catch him. He was the only person who could possibly take this empty feeling away from me.

  I hugged Max and stood up, taking him with me.

  Mom appeared from the kitchen, a towel in her hand. She flung it over her shoulder.

  “Willow?” she asked. “Oh my, Willow. What are you doing here?”

  “Came home,” I said.

  “Did you knock?”

  “No, Mom. I didn’t knock. Why would I knock?”

  “Did he climb over the back of the couch again?” Mom asked. “I asked him ten times not to do that. That’s what you get when you get the right medicine.”

  I held Max tightly. “Did you go to the doctor?”

  “Yes,” Max said.

  “What did they say?”

  Max shrugged his shoulders.

  “Ear infection,” Mom said. “Just like I told Wren. Doctor took one look and said, ‘Yeah, that’s an ear infection. Classic ear infection.’”

  I nodded at Mom, not really believing that they were the exact words of the doctor. But in her mind, that’s what she wanted to hear, so that’s what she heard.

  “They gave him medicine?” I asked.

  “Of course,” Mom said. “Children’s pain reliever and an antibiotic. Your sister wasn't happy about it, but I don’t give a… a darn about that.”

  “What are you cooking?”

  “Cabbage rolls,” Mom said. “Some good, home cooking for everyone.”

  I nodded.

  Wren hates cabbage. And there’s no way Max will eat that. I don’t mind it, but… whatever.

  “Where is Wren?” I asked.

  “Upstairs taking a nap,” Mom said.

  “Hey, Max,” I said, “go and watch your cartoons. You need lots of rest, okay? And drink lots of water.”

  “I got him some apple juice,” Mom said. “Good stuff. He’s been drinking that. Always fixed you kids up when you were sick.”

  “Right,” I said. “Good.”

  I kissed Max’s cheek and he scurried away to the living room.

  I made a move for the steps and Mom said my name.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Mom asked.

  I blinked fast and forced a smile just in the nick of time. “Of course.”

  “You knew he lived far away,” she said. “Whatever you two did… it’s hard to let your heart get exposed.”

  I froze. “Right.”

  Was she going to give me advice on life? Was she going to be a caring and loving mother? Was she going to be like a friend now?

  I was hopeful as I stood there.

  I forgot about Wren for a second and moved toward my mother.

  “I didn’t know what to expect,” I said. “I mean, I knew-”

  “I need to keep things going in here,” Mom said. “You check on Wren. Keep an eye on Max. I need to focus on the food. I can’t screw this up.”


  Just like that, Mom was gone. Back in the kitchen.

  And I was alone. Again.

  Max was on the floor, watching cartoons.

  So, I turned my sights to the stairs.

  Wren was in Max’s bed. Curled up and sleeping.

  I shut the door and she opened her eyes. She shut them. Then opened them again.

  “Willow?” she asked, popping her head up.

  “Wren.”

  “What are you doing here? I thought… how long did I take a nap for?”

  I stood there and felt it building up in me.

  I swallowed hard.

  I bit my lip.

  My eyes filled with tears.

  “Willow?” Wren asked.

  I shook my head.

  The first tear escaped from my eye.

  Wren scrambled from the bed and hurried to me. She put her arms around me as I let myself go.

  “Oh, Willow, I’m so sorry,” Wren said.

  The only other time I cried like that in front of her was the night Julie took her life.

  I broke from Wren and stepped back, hitting the door. I lost feeling in my legs and slid down to my butt. Wren sat down with me, hugging her knees as I did the same.

  “I lost him,” I whispered. “I had everything I wanted and…”

  I looked at Wren through my hazy view of the tears.

  I lost him because of you, Wren. Because of Mom. Because of this hell that keeps pulling me close. Because I can’t let anything bad happen to Max.

  The words never came out.

  “I have to go,” I said and reached for the doorknob.

  “Don’t leave,” Wren said. “Stay. Talk.”

  “No,” I said. “It doesn’t matter anymore, Wren.” I pulled myself to my feet. “That’s what nobody understands. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

  “What doesn’t matter?” she asked.

  She got to her feet and put her hand to the door.

  “Everything,” I whispered. “I have to leave.”

  “Willow…”

  I ripped open the door and had to get away from Wren.

  I had to get out of the house too.

  But where was I going to go?

  I sat on the second to bottom step of the stairs and tried to swallow back the tears.