nowhere

by Marysue Hobika

  “How’s that?”

  “It’s better than I remember,” I stated dreamily. James laughed.

  “I’m glad you like it.” He reached over to squeeze my hand.

  “The west coast may have the market on great coffee, but the east coast has the best ice cream. And I’ll take ice cream over coffee any day.”

  “You aren’t kiddin’,” agreed James, devouring his cone.

  Looking at him, I noticed he had ice cream on his chin. “Hold still.” I reached up and wiped it off with my finger. “Yum, chocolate is good.” I licked my finger. “I still can’t decide which flavor I like best.”

  “I know what I like best.” James eyes had changed to a clear, dark green color. I leaned in closer. Just as our lips were about to touch, I felt someone standing over us. I looked up. It was Tyler, Liz, Emma, and Casey. Great.

  “Hey Mike, Dooner,” Tyler greeted us, frowning. “I didn’t expect to see the two of you here. Together.”

  “We didn’t expect to see you either,” I retorted, giving Emma and Casey the same disapproving glare that Tyler was giving us.

  James tried to be friendly and smooth things over. “We’re just having a cone. Do you guys want to join us?” He moved his hand to indicate the rest of the table.

  Before anyone could answer, Liz whined, “I don’t know why we’re here. I don’t even eat ice cream.”

  I took a lick of my cone and said, “Really? You don’t know what you’re missing.”

  “I only eat fat-free Italian ice.” She gave me a once over and then stuck her chin up in the air. If she was trying to imply that only fat girls ate ice cream, she was wrong. I ate ice cream all the time and I was anything but fat.

  “That’s too bad. Lucky for me, I don’t have to worry about getting fat. I can eat the good stuff.” I took another lick.

  “Wow, you just got served,” Casey snickered under his breath.

  “Not cool, Mike,” said Tyler looking even more pissed.

  Without saying anything else, I walked over to the counter and grabbed a handful of napkins to prove how good I looked in my cut-off jeans. Normally I didn’t like to show off, but it felt satisfying to put Liz in her place. When I returned, Liz’s face was red and Tyler looked like he was ready to start a brawl. Everyone else seemed somewhat amused. I took another exaggerated lick of my cone and sat down next to James.

  “When did you two start hanging out?” asked Tyler.

  “Since the night that you left Emma and me alone on a dirt road to find our own way home. Remember? You were in a rush to go cow tipping with your honey pie, here?” I nodded my head at Liz. Suddenly my smile brightened as I continued. “Actually, I’ve been wanting to thank you.”

  Tyler looked confused. “Thank me? For what?”

  “You did me a huge favor that night. If you hadn’t taken off, leaving James behind to make sure we got home safely, then I never would’ve gotten to know him. So, thank you.”

  Tyler muttered something under his breath that I couldn’t understand. His fists were clenched at his side.

  “James is my boyfriend,” I announced. I hadn’t ever called him that before, but I sneaked a sideways glance at him and saw that he was smiling. Tyler, on the other hand, looked furious. I didn’t know what his problem was, but I didn’t care.

  “I’m sure the two of you deserve each other,” said Liz nastily. She almost seemed jealous that James and I were together. Hmm…Did she and James ever date? I didn’t so. She wasn’t his type. She was probably just angry because I made her look bad and she had never hidden the fact that she didn’t like me.

  “Are we going to get ice cream or not?” asked Emma, tugging on Casey’s sleeve. She looked bored. She hadn’t spoken up earlier, but I knew that Emma enjoyed ice cream as much as I did.

  I finished my cone, licking my lips. “Come on, James, let’s go.”

  “Okay. See you guys later.”

  We stood, but before we could leave, Tyler was in James’ face. “I thought I told you to stay away from her.” I felt waves of anger coming off of his body.

  “I never said I would, man.” James shrugged.

  Why was Tyler talking to James about me? “Stay out of my business, Tyler. I’ll date whoever I want,” I stated, getting between them. I didn’t understand why Tyler cared so much about who I dated, and since when was he in charge?

  “You don’t even know this guy, Mike,” Tyler proclaimed, pushing me to the side. Only he was used to pushing guys around that were twice my size. I stumbled backwards, losing my balance. Before I landed on my bottom, strong arms reached out and caught me.

  “Are you okay?” James set me back on my feet. I could see fire brewing in his now cloudy colored eyes.

  Normally I’d make sure Tyler got what was coming to him for pushing me like that, but I didn’t want James getting into trouble because of me. He looked like he wanted to tear Tyler’s head off. I had to get him out of here. Quickly. Trying to reassure him, I said, “Yeah. I’m fine. It was no big deal.” I shrugged, brushing off the incident.

  My comment only upset him more. “No big deal? That idiot almost knocked you to the ground. Cousin or not, he had no right.” James’s fists clenched at his sides. He was ready for a fight, and struggling to keep it together.

  “I’m fine. Let’s just go,” I pleaded, tugging on his arm to make him leave before things got out of hand.

  “Wow, that was a close call,” muttered Casey. I had little doubt he was trying to force a reaction out of James. “I’d be pissed if someone did that to my girl.” He put his arm around Emma and pulled her to him.

  “You’re so sweet,” Emma replied.

  “We’re leaving,” I said, pulling even harder on James’ arm.

  “Not before he apologizes to you,” said James, staring directly at Tyler. “He can’t treat you like that and get away with it. It’s not cool to push girls around.” The muscles in James’ face were taut, proving just how serious he was.

  I braced myself for an all out fight. I thought for sure Tyler wouldn’t apologize, but then he surprised me by saying, “Sorry, Mike. It was an accident. I didn’t mean to hurt you. James is right.” He nodded. “Hitting girls is wrong. You should ask James what he knows about that. I’ve heard it’s common practice in his neighborhood.”

  Everyone around us fell silent. The ice cream I ate churned in the pit of my stomach. I felt sick. What was Tyler talking about?

  “I’d never lay a hand on her,” James choked. I felt like everyone was watching us.

  “You’re doing it now. Look at her arm.” Tyler pointed at me.

  Everyone moved their eyes to my arm, including me. He was right; James was squeezing my arm tightly. I hadn’t even realized it. He dropped it immediately and it burned bright red for everyone to see. It didn’t hurt, but it looked like it did.

  James walked away without another word, leaving me standing there, confused. He climbed in his truck and waited. The noise around us returned to normal. People were talking again, eating their ice cream.

  I directed my anger and frustration at Tyler. “Stay away from me. And leave James alone.” I shoved him with both my hands.

  “If you were smart, you’d stay away from him,” warned Tyler.

  “Fuck you.”

  I climbed into the truck and shut the door. “Let’s go,” I said.

  James pulled back out onto Main Street. He didn’t say a word the whole ride to the farm. Tension hung in the air. I wanted to ask him about what Tyler had said, but I knew he wasn’t ready to talk. We pulled into the driveway and I jumped out, ready to move on.

  I noticed that James still sat in his truck. “Aren’t you coming?” I walked around to his side.

  “I don’t know if I should?”

  “What? It’s only 8 o’clock on a Saturday night.” He never went home this early.

  Reluctantly he climbed out, slowly following me up the porch steps. We sat down on the swing. I carefully took his hand, “What’s
the matter? You took off and you haven’t even said a word to me,” I said quietly, my voice filled with concern. I didn’t like seeing James so upset. It was obvious Tyler’s comments had really affected him.

  “Sorry, I just had to get out of there.”

  “Tyler can be such as ass.” I felt the anger building inside of me.

  “I have to apologize to you.” He lifted my hand and gently kissed it.

  “What on earth do you have to apologize for?” I asked, bewildered.

  “For hurting your arm. Does it hurt?” he asked, rubbing it gently.

  The truth was I might have a bruise tomorrow, but I didn’t want James to know that. He felt bad enough already. “No, it doesn’t. So please don’t worry.” I leaned over and kissed him. He returned my kiss, but I could tell something was wrong. He wasn’t into it like he normally was. He was holding a piece of himself back from me. The walls I had partially torn down were back up.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Dooner

  I was lying awake in bed, putting off chores. I still felt uneasy about last night. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Mikayla’s arm almost snap in two because I squeezed it so hard. Also, I heard Tyler’s words replaying. Perhaps I had more of my dad in me than I thought. I took a deep breath and let it out. It wasn’t true. I wasn’t anything like my father. I’d never hurt Mikayla, or any girl for that matter.

  I stood up, deciding I needed to be completely honest with Mikayla. I was ready to tell her everything. Things I’d never told anyone. She deserved to know. Suddenly I was skipping around my room, looking for my phone. I found it in a pocket of my discarded jeans and punched in her number. Damn it. It went straight to voicemail. I’d have to try again later.

  I finished my chores and called her again. I didn’t have practice, so I was free to hang out. She still didn’t pick up. A thousand different reasons why ran through my head. Was she mad at me for acting standoffish last night? I was contemplating driving over there, when my phone began to ring. I sighed with relief.

  “Hey, Baby, how are you?” I asked.

  “Terrible,” she croaked. Her voice sounded dry and scratchy. I barely recognized it.

  Breaking out into a sweat, I asked, “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m not really sure, but I think I have the flu. I was throwing up all night. And right now I’ve got the chills.” Her voice trembled. I pictured her standing there, shaking, while wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants even though it was ninety degrees. “I’m sorry, but I can’t hang out today.”

  Suddenly I felt insecure. “I don’t care if you’re sick. I still want to see you.” How was I going to put everything right between us if I couldn’t see her? “If this is about last night, I’m sorry. I was just having a bad night. First because Tyler pushed you and then because I thought I’d hurt you.”

  “This has nothing to do with last night.” She paused and I thought I heard dry heaving in the background. “Look James, I gotta go. You can’t come over. I’m a mess. And I don’t want you to catch whatever I have.” She hung up.

  I wanted to call back to check on her, but I didn’t. A knot formed in my stomach, making me queasy. Maybe I was coming down with whatever Mikayla had. More likely it was because a whole day without her stretched in front of me, causing me anxiety. I’d seen her every day since we started going out. I hoped she got better soon because I didn’t know how long I could last without seeing her.

  I passed the afternoon writing essays for college applications. I’d received recruiting materials from several top universities, but I’d narrowed it down to three. Penn State, Perdue, and Texas Tech were my top choices, all Division I schools with great football teams and academics. Each year between eighteen and twenty-five new players were signed on with a full scholarship.

  Texas Tech was my number one pick—it was the furthest from here. Also I’d been following the team since I was a kid. My dad would sit with me on the couch while we watched them play on TV. I felt the magic when they scored a touchdown. Ever since then, I’d dreamed of being on the team. One of their tight ends was graduating this year. I kept my fingers crossed as I put the finishing touches on my application. I took extra care with this one. My grades were good; my SAT scores were above average, so with any luck my game would be on when the scouts came to check me out.

  Since I’d been cooped up in the house all day, I took a drive after dinner. I hopped in Old Faithful, running my hands lovingly over the steering wheel. She was true to her name, just like always, and roared to life when I turned the key. I smiled. Driving around town cleared my head.

  Without realizing it, my subconscious had brought me to school. I jumped out and made my way to the middle of the football field. A place where I felt at home. I loved the thrill of the game, the unbeatable adrenaline rush. Looking at the stands, I could almost hear the crowd cheering me on. Football was a part of me.

  When I was younger, football was the only connection I had with my dad. We’d watch it together on TV or play catch out in the yard. I used to believe that if I worked hard enough to become the fastest, the smartest, the best football player this town had ever seen, I’d be worthy of my dad’s love. But that never happened. Now I was old enough to understand love didn’t work that way. I stopped playing for my dad years ago. Now I played just for me.

  I marched across the field with a renewed mission and entered the school. It was time I discussed my fate with Coach. I checked his office, but he wasn’t there. I went to look for him in the gym. I was almost to the far side and about to give up, when I heard someone come up from behind me. I turned around.

  Shit! It was Liz.

  “Hi Dooner.” She smiled mischievously.

  “Hi Liz,” I muttered, not masking my displeasure at running into her. It was obvious that she’d been drinking. She had a wine cooler in her hand and she smelled like it wasn’t her first one. Seeing her made me miss Mikayla even more.

  “Whatjadoing?” she asked, slurring her words.

  “I was looking for Coach. I thought he might be in here.” I needed to come up with an excuse to get out of here. “I better go check his office again. I bet he’s in there, studying the playbook.”

  “It’s the weekend. He’s probably at home.”

  “In any case, I gotta run. See you later.” I turned to leave. Liz grabbed my arm, scratching me, and leaving a bright red line on my skin.

  “Damn it, Liz. You ought to cut those nails.” I rubbed at my arm, but it didn’t do any good. The scratch was still there.

  “Sorry. I just thought that since we’re both here…” She casually shifted her body. I took a step backward to move away from her, not realizing until it was too late that I’d put myself in an even worse situation. Now I was standing in the entrance of the secret make-out corner. “We should make the most of it.”

  I froze. I didn’t want any trouble. I couldn’t believe that she was still coming on to me. Sternly, I reminded her, “Liz, I have a girlfriend. And Tyler, remember him? Your boyfriend?

  “Yeah, but who cares about all that?” She waved her hand in the air wildly. “It was you and me long before them.”

  “No, it wasn’t.” I was still kicking myself for hooking up with her that one time. It was time I set her straight. “We were never an item. And we are never going to be.” I turned quickly to walk away, avoiding her grasp this time.

  “Whatever, Doonbug.” She ran around me and stopped, blocking my path. “Just shut up and fuck me.” She reached up and kissed me hard on the mouth. I didn’t kiss her back. I felt sick to my stomach. The only lips I ever wanted on mine were Mikayla’s.

  “Leave me alone, Liz. I’m not interested.” I pushed her away and took a giant step back.

  “You’re an asshole,” she shouted. Liz didn’t like to be told no. Her angry eyes flashed. She stepped forward and lifted her hand to slap me, but I caught her wrist before she could.

  “You’re not going to leave another mark on me.” I waited until she
’d calmed down, “Are you going to behave?” She nodded and I finally let go of her wrist.

  Suddenly I sensed an audience. I turned around. Her cheerleading friends, including Emma, had stopped short at the gym door. I wondered how much they saw. By the look on their faces, they’d seen plenty. Great. How was I going to explain all of this to Mikayla, especially when she didn’t even want to see me?

  Chapter Seventeen

  Mike

  “Ugh,” I groaned as I slowly made my way downstairs early Monday morning, leaning heavily on the railing for support. It was the first time since getting sick that I’d left my room. I’d spent all day Sunday either passed out in bed or retching into the toilet. I still felt like hell, but I hoped forcing myself to move around would make me feel better.

  “How you feeling?” Pops got up from his chair and came to the bottom of the stairs. He held his hand to me and I gladly took it. He helped me down the last couple of steps.

  “A little better...I guess,” I answered, trying to sound like I meant it. I didn’t want Pops to worry about me.

  “You still look pale,” he grumbled.

  “Thanks.” I gave him my best attempt at a dirty look.

  “Come sit down.” He led me into the kitchen and pulled out my chair. He looked so concerned, I almost felt guilty. “I’ll make you some plain toast. That should be okay for your stomach.” It felt strange having Pops fix me something to eat. I was the one who normally took care of him.

  “Thanks. I am hungry.” I hadn’t eaten anything since the ice-cream cone on Saturday night, which I threw up. My stomach was empty, but it still hurt; I kept my arm wrapped around my middle.

  Pops placed two pieces of dry toast and a small glass of ginger ale in front of me. I took small tentative bites, hoping my stomach wouldn’t retaliate.

  “You look thin,” he commented.

  “It’s this new diet I’m on. It’s called the flu.”

  “Maybe you are feeling better,” he snorted. “I missed your witty comebacks yesterday. It’s been too quiet around here.” He gave me an encouraging smile.