The Very Thought of You

by S. Anne Gardner

The air filled with intake of breaths and delicious moans of release and satisfaction. And as the night progressed, bodies moved, lips were kissed and hearts were given and taken.

  Chapter 7

  The ringing of the telephone next to Alex’s bed woke them. Alex’s eyes opened in annoyance but her features quickly turned into a smile that reached her eyes as she saw the woman sprawled on top of her. She reached for the handset.

  “Hello? This better be good,” she said in irritation.

  “Alexandra, I want to talk to you!” said a peeved-sounding Kate.

  “Not now, Kate.”

  “Listen, you nitwit! I saw Reese yesterday and that girl deserves better than you,” Kate said in indignation.

  “I agree with that,” said Alex calmly.

  “Alex, I mean it. What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “Nothing now, sis, nothing at all,” she replied with a big smile on her face. She saw a smiling Reese looking back at her. Alex leaned toward her and kissed her lightly.

  “Alex, I’m coming over to knock some sense into you!” exclaimed an irritated Kate.

  “Actually, Kate, could we get together tomorrow maybe?” Alex said, trying to hold back her laughter.

  “Alex!”

  “Hi, Kate,” a drowsy Reese said into the receiver after taking it away from Alex.

  “Reese?” asked a surprised Kate.

  “Yes, it’s me, Kate,” Reese said with a smile on her face, looking at Alex.

  “Okay, we can talk later. Bye.”

  The air was filled with dial tone.

  Reese looked at the telephone in her hand and laughed as she looked at Alex.

  “She hung up...I think we scared her,” Reese said, smiling at Alex.

  Alex reached out and pulled Reese toward her. “Good morning, love,” said Alex as she kissed her squarely on the mouth.

  “Good morning to you too.”

  “Breakfast,” Alex said as she raised her eyebrows comically, throwing up the sheets and diving underneath.

  Reese started to giggle.

  †

  “How do you like your eggs, Alex? Do you even have any eggs?” Reese asked, leaning into the opened refrigerator. She looked up when she didn’t receive an answer. Alex had a funny look on her face.

  “What?” asked Reese.

  “I love you, you know,” answered Alex with a bigger smile.

  Reese walked over to her and into her arms. “And no, I don’t have any eggs. I don’t think I have much of anything in there.”

  “I’ll make us some coffee and then maybe we can have breakfast at my house, after we pick up the small fry from Rose’s house, sound good?” Reese suggested.

  Alex nodded her head but did not release Reese.

  “You planning on hanging on to me?” Reese asked dreamily.

  “Forever.” Alex’s mouth sought out Reese’s wonderful, luscious lips and breakfast was forgotten.

  †

  “Chicken pox?” Alex exclaimed into the telephone a couple of days later.

  “I’m afraid so, honey,” was Reese’s reply.

  “Oh God, no...” said a deflated Alex.

  “Have you had them?”

  “No,” Alex answered.

  “Oh no…”

  †

  “How long has it been?” Kate asked having stopped at Alex’s office after a lunch meeting nearby.

  “Seven days, four hours and seventeen minutes,” Alex said, looking at her watch.

  “Sore subject, huh?” Kate asked with a sorry expression on her face.

  “It’s a sore subject right now,” Alex said, going back to the papers on her desk.

  “Are you okay?” Kate was suddenly concerned.

  Alexandra looked up and away, looking toward the window. “I...yes, everything is fine.” She went back to work on the papers in front of her.

  “Alex?”

  “Yes, really, all is good. Now let me get back to work. Do you have a life or does it only revolve around mine?” Her tone was joking.

  “Alex, you would tell me right?” Kate asked, not allowing Alex to get away with a thing.

  Alex got up suddenly and walked toward the window at the corner of her office. She stood in front of it with her back to Kate.

  “Everything is supposed to be fine, but it’s not Kate.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re joking, right?” Alex was facing her now with a surprised look on her face.

  “Alexandra, don’t do this.”

  “Don’t do what?” Alex threw her hands up in the air.

  “You’re scared, that’s all. It’s going to be fine. This separation is unfortunate but, Alex, you love her.”

  Alex ran her fingers through her hair and suddenly looked tired. She walked over to her desk and sat down in her chair again. “Yes, I’m scared. I’m scared of not being able to handle this. I can just see myself at the partner’s dinner saying I’d like to introduce my lover. Yes, she is a woman but don’t let that worry you, I’m still the same old Alex. Can you honestly say that it won’t matter? Kate…I’m scared. I don’t know if I can do this. And I don’t know if I can give her up.” Alex sounded confused, even to herself.

  “Well…I guess the only question is, do you love her?”

  Alex looked up and thought for a moment. Suddenly a smile and faraway look filled her face. “Do I love her? Yes, oh yes.”

  “A step at a time, sis, a step at a time.”

  †

  After Kate had left her office Alex needed the reassurance of Reese’s voice so she picked up the telephone and dialed the number that would connect her to what she needed more than breathing at that moment—Reese’s voice.

  “Hello?”

  “Who is this?” Alex asked into the telephone’s receiver.

  “This is Gail. Who is this?”

  “Is Reese there?” Alex asked with suppressed anger.

  “Yes, but she’s kind of busy right now.”

  “Will you please get her on the phone?”

  “No, I can’t, she’s in the shower. Alex…right? I’ll tell her you called,” Gail replied angrily before the line went dead.

  Alex slammed the phone down. All that filled her was a sense of betrayal so great that it encompassed all of her. She was filled with a confusion she had never known and the anger building inside her closed her up like a hot iron closed an open wound.

  †

  The phone had rung several times after she got home, but Alex did not pick up the receiver. She sat in her dark living room with her thirty-year-old scotch. She didn’t go in to the office the next day.

  †

  Two days had passed since Gail answered Reese’s phone. It was late afternoon when the door to Alex’s office burst open and a very angry blonde marched through, followed shortly by a very upset Carol. “I’m sorry, Ms. Masters…”

  “It’s okay, Carol, we’re old friends,” Alex said a smugly. Carol walked out of the office, closing the door behind her.

  Reese stood in the same spot, fuming.

  “Chicken pox scare over?” Alex asked comically.

  “I am not going to play this game with you!” Reese exclaimed with her hands on her hips. She wasn’t sure what had happened or why Alex was acting this way but this yes one minute and no the next could not continue.

  “I am not playing. It was nice but it’s gotten to be a bore.” Alex started reading the papers in front of her.

  Reese stood there not believing what she had just heard. It felt like someone had hit her and knocked the wind out of her. She stood in shocked silence, unable to speak until Alex looked up at her again.

  “I don’t believe you,” said Reese softly.

  “What is there not to believe? We had a good time but it’s kind of over, don’t you think? You were, shall we say, a great experience.” Alex’s voice was full of sarcasm.

  “Alex, I don’t believe you. Why are you doing this?” Reese was shocked.

  �
�Doing what? You wanted me to take you to bed and it was good, I have to give you that.” Alex got up, walked over to the front of her desk, and sat on it with her arms crossed in front of her. “You were satisfied too from what I can remember. Yes, I believe you were satisfied quite a few times.”

  Reese walked up to her and slapped her hard. Alex stood up and grabbed Reese by both arms.

  “Don’t you ever touch me again,” Alex growled between her teeth.

  “I hate you!” Reese cried as tears started running down her face.

  Alex pulled her closer and kissed her hard on the mouth and just as suddenly released her. “Now, go back to Gail!”

  “What are you talking about?” cried a confused Reese.

  “I’m really busy, Reese.” Alex replied very businesslike.

  Reese stood for a moment just staring at the woman she loved. What had happened? This was not her Alex. Had it all truly been a lie? If it was, this was a monster that now stood in front of her.

  “I won’t ever forgive you, Alex. You used me. I loved you and you used me,” said a sobbing Reese accusingly as she ran out of Alex’s office.

  Alex stood in her empty office for a moment then walked over to the door and closed it. She walked back to her desk, sat down and began to go through her paperwork.

  †

  Reese could not remember ever hurting so much. How could she have been so wrong? It had all seemed so real. How could she go on without her? She closed her eyes as the tears ran down her cheeks. After a few minutes she started her car and drove home on autopilot.

  She pulled into her driveway and went inside the house. She had to get dinner ready. Rose was going to be dropping Carly off after Girl Scouts. It was over. All her plans for a future with Alex were over. She stood in the middle of her kitchen and suddenly collapsed to the floor in tears.

  “Oh God, why does it have to hurt so much?” She covered her face and the sobs just came. “Alex…Alex.”

  †

  “Reese, wait up!” Rose yelled.

  “Hi, Rose, what’s up?” Reese said as Rose came up to her.

  “Can you pick up the girls tomorrow? I know it’s my turn, but…”

  “Sure, not a problem. I’ll pick them up and drop off Lindsey at your house.”

  “Thanks, I’m expecting a delivery tomorrow and you know how they are. They tell you anytime between nine and five. I hate that.” They both began walking toward the parking lot. “Hey, you seem kind of preoccupied these days, kiddo.”

  “Just some things to deal with. But it’s okay,” Reese said softly.

  Rose stopped and Reese looked back at her. “Hey, something is wrong. I didn’t want to pry, but are you okay, Reese?”

  “I will be, Rose, I will be.”

  “Mommy!” Carly yelled and Reese opened her arms which were immediately filled with her daughter.

  “Hi, small fry.” Reese kissed Carly.

  “Alex used to call me that,” Carly said as Reese gently set her down.

  “Well, we better get going.” Reese tried to control the tears threatening to spill over. “Bye, Rose, don’t worry about tomorrow.”

  “Okay,” Rose replied as she watched Reese and Carly walk away. Rose hadn’t known Reese very long but they had grown to be friends quickly. Reese, she thought, was a nice woman trying to raise her daughter on her own like Rose was.

  Rose had noticed a change in her friend. Reese was by nature a happy person. For a few months she had really seemed happy and then suddenly, a few months ago, Rose had noticed the difference. Her friend had gotten sad.

  Rose knew all about being sad. She remembered how it had been when Paul left. She thought it was going to kill her but it hadn’t. Now she saw the same sadness in Reese. She knew people only talked about some things when they were ready and Rose thought Reese was not ready. She wondered, though, if this man called Alex caused Reese’s sadness.

  She could not remember any Alex that Reese had mentioned, only that girlfriend of hers. She remembered the sadness in Reese’s eyes as Carly mentioned Alex. All of a sudden Rose froze. Reese had mentioned her friend before. She remembered the look in Reese’s eyes but somehow Rose had not made the connection. Now it all became quite clear.

  “Holy shit!”

  She shook her head and looked to the parking lot where Reese was putting Carly in the backseat and then getting into her car.

  She looks just like anyone one else, Rose thought then quickly chastised herself for the ignorance the thought expressed. That type of thinking is what she probably has to deal with all the time, thought Rose, and she felt even sadder for her friend.

  Rose gave this new realization a lot of thought and made up her mind to speak to her friend as soon as possible.

  †

  “Kate, it’s September twenty-third today; I don’t know what I will be doing for Thanksgiving,” Alex said, irritated.

  “You know what, Alex? You are getting harder to take on a daily basis. If I didn’t love you I would just wash my hands of you,” Kate said, sounding just as irritated.

  “I’m sorry. I have a lot of paperwork, and I go to trial on a very complex case in a few weeks. I am really swamped, Kate.” Alex sounded tired.

  “Alex…about Reese...”

  “I don’t want to discuss Reese, Kate. Don’t fight me on this. I will not discuss this with you. Leave it alone, Kate, or I will simply walk out of your life… I didn’t mean that, Kate. I just don’t want to discuss it, okay?”

  “Okay, Alex. You’re my sister and I love you. Remember that, okay?” Something awful had happened between Reese and Alex. Neither had wanted to discuss it. And Alex was more withdrawn than ever. But Kate also knew that when Alex got like this there was no talking to her. Something terrible had happened and Alex had just closed all the doors.

  “I will try and keep Thanksgiving open okay, Kate? Bye.”

  “Good, we love you, you know. And we want you there,” Kate said softly.

  There was silence from the other side of the line and Kate thought she had heard a sob before the line went dead.

  What happened? Kate kept asking herself. Alex had come to life for those few months with Reese. She had looked so happy. And for a while she thought Alex and Reese had found something special in each other. Her sister had gotten past all of her doubts with conventions and the what-would-people-say thing. She thought that, finally, Alex would be happy. Then, quite suddenly, it had all gone terribly wrong.

  She didn’t see Reese much anymore either. She realized Reese had been avoiding her except for the time they met by chance in the supermarket:

  “Reese, hi.”

  “Hello, Kate.”

  “I have missed you, where have you been keeping yourself?”

  “Oh, you know, busy with Carly and everything. How’s the family?” Reese seemed to want to change the subject.

  “Just fine, starting school. You know how that is.”

  “Yeah, I do.” Reese looked down for a moment. “How is Alex?” she asked softly.

  “She’s fine. Reese, I really think—”

  “No, Kate, but thanks. It was nice seeing you again. Bye.”

  And Reese walked away looking very sad.

  Kate kept asking herself what could have happened. She should just mind her own business, but damn if she would. Alexandra was miserable and so was Reese. Obviously they had not been able to fix it themselves so she would. These two women belonged together even if she was the only one who thought so for the moment. Kate started working out a plan.

  “Yesssss!” yelled an excited Kate.

  †

  “Thank you so much for picking up the girls from Girls Scouts for me today. Come on in,” said Rose.

  “Sure, I can stay a minute. The girls are putting their project in the garage.” Reese walked into Rose’s house.

  “Want some coffee?”

  “I would love some,” answered Reese as they both walked over to the kitchen. “I love what you have done i
n here, Rose. I like the contrast of the light walls with the cabinets.”

  “Thanks, I really like the way it came out too. Cream and sugar?”

  “Yes, thanks.”

  Both women sat down at the kitchen table to drink their coffee.

  “Reese, there is something I would like to say to you, and I would ask you not to say anything until I say my piece, okay?”

  “Okay,” Reese answered with a curious expression.

  “Reese, I think you are a wonderful teacher.” Rose looked at a smiling Reese. “I also think that you are a very nice person. You are also my friend. I want you to know that I will be here for you no matter what, Reese. I think you should tell me about Alex.”

  Reese’s mouth opened and closed. She looked uncomfortable.

  “Reese, I know you’re gay.”

  Reese looked up quickly and stared at her friend. What she saw made her eyes fill with tears. “Oh, Rose,” she said, putting her hand over her friend’s.

  “What happened with Alex, Reese?”

  Reese hesitated and then looked into the understanding eyes of her friend and started to speak.

  Reese cried all the tears she had been holding onto for the past few months. Rose was there and she listened. And Reese realized that in this pain, she had found comfort in Rose’s understanding. And for the first time in months, Reese was able to speak of what it had meant to lose her love to another human being. And it felt good to tell it.

  †

  After having knocked a few times, Elliot poked his head into Alex’s office and saw that she was oblivious to all. He walked closer to the desk she was sitting behind and watched as she played with a key in her hand. It occurred to him that he had seen her looking at a key, if not the same one, on more than one occasion and on each of those times, she had been far away as well.