The Very Thought of You

by S. Anne Gardner

  “Key to your heart, Alex?” he asked gently. She looked up noticing him for the first time and then looked down at the key again. Elliot did not expect an answer. She looked at the key a moment longer before putting in back in her drawer and closing it.

  “Yes,” she replied softly. “The key to my heart.” She did not look up.

  Elliot found himself without any words. He had known something was wrong. He could no longer understand what was happening with Alex. For a while he thought she might have met someone and then this.

  “Alex—” he started to say gently.

  “Elliot, as to the fund-raiser on the twelfth, I’ll go with you.” She sounded more like the Alex he was used to. She looked sure of herself and strong. Had it all been an illusion? What was happening to his friend?

  “Okay, great. Will Katherine and Robert be attending as well?” He was all business now.

  “They go every year. I don’t know who will be at their tables. Rob’s company usually buys two to three every year. I’ll talk to Kate later today, and then I’ll let you know as soon as possible.”

  “All right, sounds great. I will pass the information on to the Bradleys. This is a great cause. These funds will keep the children’s center open for the next year.”

  “Yes, it is a wonderful cause. The Bradleys have done wonders for that center. Did you know that they lost their son to leukemia two years ago?”

  “No, I didn’t know.”

  “I met him once. He was a very charming little boy. I have become a sponsor this year.”

  “Alex, that’s wonderful!”

  She looked up. “Yes, well, I will expect a rather large check from all the partners so pass it along.” She gave him a calculating smile.

  Elliot shook his head. “I will forward the information.”

  “Good, now what did you want?”

  †

  “Hi, Reese, it’s Kate.”

  “Hello, Kate, it’s nice to hear from you.”

  “Reese, Rob’s company usually gets three tables at the fund-raiser for the Children’s Cancer Center. You know, the one on Hamilton Street?”

  “Yes, I know the one you’re talking about. The school has been trying to raise some funds for them as well,” Reese said, sounding interested.

  “Well, I know you are heading that effort at Roosevelt Elementary, and I wanted to invite you to be one of our guests at the fund-raiser the Bradleys are having this year. You, of course, can bring a date with you.” Kate waited in anticipation.

  “Oh, I think I would like that. Thank you, Kate. It’s such a wonderful cause.” Reese genuinely wanted to participate. She hesitated before she asked, “Kate, will Alex be there?”

  Kate didn’t want to lie but figured she could be creative with the truth. “Alex is swamped with work these days. I doubt that she will attend. But whether she does or doesn’t I still would like you to come.”

  “Thank you, Kate. I would love to. When is it?”

  “Next week, on the twelfth. Just let me know the name of your guest by Monday so I can put you both on the invitees list.” Kate had a very broad smile on her face.

  “Okay, I will let you know before Monday. Thanks, Kate.”

  “Sure, talk to you later, Reese, bye.”

  †

  Kate hung up the phone and smiled to herself.

  After all, it wasn’t such a big lie. Alex is busy and I haven’t heard technically if she is going yet, not really, Kate thought as she picked up her jacket and was off to speak with Vanessa Bradley. She was helping with the seating arrangements at the fund-raiser. This was going to be a night to remember. One way or another, Alex would either thank her or never speak to her again. Either way, she had to do something. She wasn’t going to stand idly by and do nothing while Alex sunk lower and lower into the abyss.

  †

  November twelfth arrived. The fund-raiser was being held at the very prestigious Ranal’s Country Club. The orchestra could be heard as guests left their cars to be valet parked and proceeded up the staircase, which would usher them to the grand ballroom.

  There were approximately five hundred people attending. The Bradleys were well respected and the cause was near and dear to their hearts. The dinner was about to begin so all the guests were directed by their hostess to proceed to their assigned seats.

  Kate and Rob arrived at their table first followed by a few other friends. Then Reese and her companion, Gail Ashby, arrived, with Alex and Elliot arriving last. Alex’s and Reese’s eyes met instantly. Both were frozen in time for a moment before Alex looked in Kate’s direction, and her sister looked down. Alex was about to say something when Vanessa Bradley asked once more for everyone to be seated. Not waiting for Elliot, Alex pulled out her chair and sat down.

  Both women avoided looking at one another. Alex wanted to leave—until she noticed Gail sitting next to Reese and decided she would not give them the satisfaction. If looks could kill, Gail Ashby would have died a million deaths.

  The evening seemed to last forever and Reese looked more uncomfortable by the minute. Gail, looking quite smug, would lean over and whisper into Reese’s ear. Alex looked furious. And Kate was rethinking her plan.

  Rob leaned into Kate and whispered. “Sweetheart, what were you thinking?”

  “I wasn’t thinking,” she answered.

  Rob looked at her and smiled. “You are such a romantic, Kate. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He pulled up her hand and kissed it.

  Kate smiled and looked toward Alex who glared back at her, making her cringe. Reese still looked miserable. This was a total disaster.

  When Vanessa started announcing the new sponsors, Alex’s name was called and she was asked to rise. Reese looked at Alex as she started to sit down and their eyes met. For a moment, Alex’s eyes were unguarded and Reese smiled but the connection only lasted a minute. After the announcements were all made, the party started and they all went their separate ways. Reese and Gail walked off in one direction, Alex walked in the other direction, and Kate and Rob just sat and breathed a sigh of relief.

  Alex had left her cell phone on the table but didn’t want to go back and get it fearing that she would have to face Reese again. So she walked over to the public phones to return some calls that were time sensitive on a case she was working on. When she finished, she bumped into Reese who was coming out of the ladies’ room. Standing before one another neither could find anything to say until Reese spoke first.

  “Alex, it was wonderful of you to become a sponsor,” she said, giving Alex a genuine compliment.

  Alex did not look away. “Thanks,” she answered, unable to find any other words.

  “Well, goodbye, Alex,” Reese said sadly as she started to walk away.

  Alex started to say goodbye when she remembered her anger and that was all that consumed her. “Where is your other half?” she asked in a voice filled with venom.

  Reese, startled by the sudden change, became angry and turned around to face Alex. “Gail is my friend and not my other half, as you put it. In any case, Alex, it is none of your business!”

  “Does she know that you’re a love ’em and leave ’em kind of girl?” Alex asked insultingly.

  Reese, unprepared for such an attack, didn’t understand the meaning behind Alex’s words. “Alex, this conversation is over!” She turned around to walk away but Alex grabbed her arm and pulled her into a secluded corner where she put Reese between the wall and herself.

  “What would your friend say if she knew what a hypocrite you are? Or does she know already? Did you both laugh at me? Did you laugh at me when you were in bed with her?” Alex said through her teeth.

  “Get out of my way, Alex.”

  “Did you laugh in bed with her about how you had made me love you? God, you disgust me,” she said menacingly.

  “I never laughed at you, Alex. I have never slept with Gail. Now get out of my way,” Reese said as her eyes filled with tears and her anger began to build.r />
  “I talked to her that day when you were in the shower. I know, Reese…I know you’ve slept with her,” Alex finally yelled. “God, how I hate you!” she growled. She pressed Reese closer to the wall until neither of them could breathe in air without the other one feeling it. And as before, Alexandra could not resist the desire to kiss those lips that had haunted her dreams night after night for the past months.

  The kiss was passionate but not kind. For a moment, both women responded. Reese found in it the connection with Alex that she had missed but pulled away in indignation. Alex stood unable to move, as if the break had sapped her of all energy.

  “Don’t you ever kiss me like that again!” Reese exclaimed.

  Alex’s back was to her now.

  Reese could not see the pain that covered Alex’s face nor the tears rolling down her cheeks. “Stay away from me. I don’t know what you are making yourself believe about Gail and me, and I don’t care anymore, Alex. I have never slept with her! But if I ever do, it is none of your business. I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Alex. I just know that I can’t and I won’t deal with you ever again,” she said as she walked away.

  When Alex looked up again Gail was looking at Reese guiding her away. Gail looked at Alex and smiled. And at that moment, Alex realized she had been a fool—a first-class fool. It all became so clear as Alex stood there watching Gail guiding Reese through the crowd. What have I done?

  Suddenly, Alex sprang into action and went after them but lost them in the crowd. Hurrying outside she scanned the parking lot. She had missed them. How could she have been so wrong?

  Alex went inside, retrieved her things, and went out and got into a cab. The cabs had been there and available for those who chose not to drive after celebrating too much. All else was forgotten. Elliot would have to figure out she was gone and she would apologize later. She had to see Reese and talk to her. The only thought going through her mind on her cab ride to Reese’s house was, will would Reese ever forgive me.

  The cab pulled into the driveway and she paid the driver and got out. She assumed that the car parked in the driveway belonged to Gail, which made her walk faster, getting madder as she approached the front door.

  She rang the bell. There was no answer so she rang it again and again.

  When Reese pulled the door open, her mouth opened in surprise.

  Alex stared at Reese’s swollen lips thinking they looked like they had just been kissed. Reese had changed out of her clothes into slacks and a blouse. Had Gail helped her with that? Alex shook her head trying to remain focused as to why she was there.

  Reese stood incredulous in front of Alex.

  Chapter 8

  “What do you want, Alex?” Reese asked, irritated.

  “I want you. You are what I want, Reese. You said almost those very same words to me once.” Alex looked down and then up to Reese’s confused eyes. “I want you,” she whispered.

  “No.”

  “I made a mistake. It was all a mistake, Reese. I love you. Please let me talk to you so I can explain,” begged Alex.

  Reese was about to say something when Gail showed up behind her.

  “What are you doing here? Haven’t you hurt her enough already?” Gail stood next to Reese with her arm possessively around her shoulders. “You had your chance.”

  “Reese, I love you and you love me. Please let me talk to you. Please!”

  “Alex...” Reese trailed off.

  “What does it take to get rid of you?” Gail asked.

  Furious, Alex directed her anger at Gail. “You! This is all your fault you lying—”

  Reese interrupted her, visibly upset. “No, Alex, this is your fault. I don’t know what you’re trying to say, but I don’t want any.”

  “I won’t go,” Alex said softly, not breaking eye contact with Reese. “Remember that morning? You said I was not alone. You said you would always love me. I need you, Reese. God, how I need you.”

  “Get out of here right now! She doesn’t want you, get it?” Gail yelled.

  “You just shut up! I’m not talking to you!” Alex yelled right back.

  “Okay! Enough!” Reese yelled at both of them. “Both of you! Out!”

  Both Alex and Gail stared at her. Gail went inside and got her things. As she walked by Reese, she said, “You’re pitiful. I’m out of here.”

  “I am not leaving until I talk to you,” Alex said again to Reese. “Please?”

  “No! Go away,” Reese said, trying to close the door. Alex put out her arm to stop the door from closing and quickly walked inside. “Alex, please leave.”

  “Reese, I need to talk to you. I promise I will leave if you want me to after I’ve said my piece, okay?” Reese looked at her and took a deep breath before she spoke again. “Alex, it took a long time to get used to the idea of not having you. It hurt to go to sleep at night and dream of you. I gave myself to you, Alex, like I never have to anyone before. I was there at every turn waiting for you, forgiving you, wanting you, loving you. I can’t do it…I don’t want to.”

  Alex stood frozen. What could she say to that? How could she fight the obvious truth of Reese’s statements? She couldn’t. For the first time since she arrived at Reese’s door Alex looked defeated.

  “You’re right.” She took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair in a tired gesture. “It was never you. It was always me. I was afraid. I could have believed in you as you…believed in me. It was easier to doubt and not take a chance.”

  “Alex, I don’t understand.” Reese walked further into the living room and sat down, covering her eyes.

  Alex knelt down in front of her.

  “I fell for the oldest trick in the book where Gail is concerned. But that’s not the important thing. The important thing is that I should have trusted you. I have been telling myself that you betrayed me with Gail.” Reese looked up and was about to speak but Alex rushed on. “I know you didn’t betray me, Reese, you loved me. I know that. You see, we were becoming a family. You and Carly were becoming my family and I…” Tears started falling down her face.

  Reese listened intently.

  “I was afraid to love you both, to need you both. I have missed you and Carly so much, Reese. I was trying to spare myself the pain of losing you but this is worse…so much worse. You have a right to be angry with me. I know that you might not feel the same for me anymore, but please, please don’t push me out of your life! Please,” begged Alex as she dropped her head onto Reese’s lap and cried, holding Reese tightly. “Don’t hate me please, don’t hate me. I couldn’t bear it.”

  Reese caressed the dark hair in her lap. How can one person be so confused, she asked herself. Alex was so frightened of loving that she didn’t allow herself to live. Can I allow myself to be hurt again? Will Alex run away again? These thoughts tormented her. She needed time.

  “Alex, I don’t hate you,” she said gently.

  Alex’s tear-streaked face looked up before she reached out and pulled Reese into her embrace.

  “Reese, please love me. Please, oh, God, please love me!”

  Reese didn’t have the heart to push her away.

  Alex pulled back some and sought the lips that her soul needed to be able to heal.

  The kiss was one of tenderness and love. Alex kissed her gently over and over again and all the while she kept whispering the only words she knew to be true. “I love you, Reese, I love you.”

  Reese sat on her sofa all night, holding Alex who had cried herself to sleep in her arms. She looked out the window and saw the first rays of the sun and then looked down at the woman in her arms. Her hand caressed the dark tresses of hair as she wondered what she should do.

  When Alex left her life, she thought she would die. Reese had never experienced such pain. It had taken so much out of her not to fall to pieces in front of Carly as she did every night when she was alone in bed, wanting and crying for Alex. The dark, lonely nights were the worst. She had waited and loved Alex so much.
She had given her all that she had held back from anyone before. And Alex had deserted her.

  Reese was lost in thought and did not notice when Alex’s eyes opened.

  Alex saw the expression of anxiety then pain cross Reese’s face and wondered if she was the reason. More likely than not, she was. Even after all that she had done, Reese had been there. Alex would never fail her again.

  Reese looked down as she felt Alex’s palm caress her cheek gently. When she looked into Alex’s eyes, she was surprised to see the eyes that had taunted and tormented her all those long and lonely nights. She saw eyes filled with love, desire and the promise of passion beyond any she had ever known. Reese closed her eyes, trying to shut out the memory.

  “I will make it up to you a day at a time, love. Give me that chance. I will wait as long as it takes. Please give me that chance, Reese. I swear to you. Please look at me.” Alex waited patiently until Reese looked into her eyes. “I won’t fail you ever again. I will love that little blonde menace as if she was my own, and I will be by your side till my last day if you’ll have me.”

  Reese got up from the sofa and walked to the window. Looking outside, she wrapped her arms protectively around her body. “Alex, I…”

  Alex had followed her to the window and was a few feet behind her. She closed the distance between them quickly and held Reese close to her from behind. “You don’t have to answer me now. You don’t have to promise me anything. Day by day. Just give me the chance to show you, day by day.” She felt Reese lean back against her body.

  Reese closed her eyes. It would be so easy just to surrender. She needed Alex desperately. It would always be this way. Alex’s words would have meant heaven to her a few months ago. Now, they were the words of promise for a tomorrow that she was afraid to hope for and then once again lose.