In Name Only

by Vivian Rose Lee

  With no thought, Ben replied. “Fine Sky.”

  He turned and stormed out the room, and a minute later Sky heard the front door slam shut. Only then, did Sky covered her face and sobbed. She let herself weaken with all the attention he was giving her, when he still meant to divorce her after the babies come. She would not let her guard down again. Didn’t he see this was hard enough for her, because she loved him so much? All she knew was she had to protect herself from further emotional attachment at all costs. Sky lay down in the bed and cried until she fell asleep.

  Ben drove to the base and went to the Officer’s Club. He sat at the bar, nursing a snifter of cognac. Dina saw Ben sitting at the bar, wondering why he was here. Lately he would leave the office and go straight home. She did not like the fact that Ben was getting so engrossed in that fake marriage of his, and she meant to put a stop to it. Maybe tonight she could seduce him in her bed, since she failed last night. She had not been with Ben since she had been back from Japan, she needed sex, and if he would not, she would call one of her other standbys. A smile settled on Dina face, as she approached Ben.

  “Hello Ben,” she said sweetly sitting beside him. Ben glanced over at her.

  “Hello Dina,” he said lowly.

  “Let me have a white wine,” she told the bartender. “You okay?” she asked see the anger on his handsome face.

  “You know Dina, I don’t know if I going to get through this with Sky, one minute we are getting along so good, than the next she jumping down my throat, I don’t know what to do with her anymore, I know pregnant women could be moody, but damn.”

  Dina smiled, that’s right little Sky, keep pushing him away, and he will be right back in my arms where he belongs.

  “I’m sorry Ben,” Dina said sweetly. “She will have the baby soon, and then you can divorce, and then you will be well rid of her.”

  Ben looked over Dina frowning. Hearing Dina say it didn’t set right with him. Did he really want to divorce Sky now? He asked himself.

  “Yeah I guess your right,” he admitted to Dina. “It’s not a real marriage anyway.”

  “That’s right, and before you know it she will be gone and you can get your life back.”

  Ben nodded looking at her.

  “Come on Ben come up to my apartment, and let me take care of you?” Dina said seductively. Ben looked over at her. Maybe that is what he needed, to lose himself in Dina. Ben finished his drink, and pulled Dina from the stool.

  Ben sat on the sofa in Dina living room, as she nuzzled on his neck, her hand in his shirt rubbing across his chest. He lay his head back and closed his eyes, trying to focus on what Dina was doing to him, all he could see his Sky face looking up at him. Ben grabbed Dina forcibly by the head and pulling her head back, and covered his mouth with her. Kissing her roughly. He had to rid himself of Sky face in his head. His lip trailed down Dina neck. With her head back he heard her moan. Ben lifted his head and looked down at Dina face. She was not Sky; he needed Sky. He let Dina head go and sat up.

  “I’m sorry Dina, I can’t do this,” he admitted leaning forward, holding his head.

  “You can Ben, forget that bitch, and that brat she carries, she will be out of our lives soon enough,” Dina said slipping her hand between Ben legs. Ben raised his head and looked at her. He knew Dina was cold, he didn’t know to what extent, now he knew.

  Ben stood up quickly. “Don’t call her that, and that brat is mine!”

  Dina instantly realized her mistake. She stood beside him. “I’m sorry Ben, I didn’t mean that, it’s just when I see you so unhappy, I get angry,” she said trying to pacify him.

  Ben looked over at her. “I can’t do this Dina, I have to go,” he said and walked out of Dina apartment. Dina was fuming. She picked up a dish from the side table and threw it at the wall.

  “Damn her!” she yelled. “Well little Miss Sky, I going to make sure you’re out of Ben life before he discovers he’s in love with you,” she vowed. Picking up the phone Dina called one of her standbys.”

  “Hi Stan, want to come by and play with me?” she said in the receiver.

  Ben drove back home. The house was dark. He went down the hall to Sky’s room to check on her. Curled in a ball, Sky slept. Ben stood by her bed gazing down at her. He pushed a lock of hair gently from her cheek. He bent over her and kissed her cheek tenderly.

  She murmured his name softly. Ben straightened; for a long moment he continued to gaze down at her, the wall he built around his heart came crashing down. He turned quietly leaving her room.

  After that night she and Ben had a civil comfort. He did not come in and keep her company anymore, but he would check on her regularly, bring her dinner, but he never stayed to eat with her. Occasionally he would stick his head in the door to see if she needed anything. When he left that night, she wondered if he did go Dina. If he did, she realized it was her fault. Why did she speak to him like that? Of course, she wanted him to touch her, she wanted him to hold her and love her, but he didn’t, and she knew that she had to prepare herself for the end of their marriage. She had to remain aloof and uncaring, but it was hard because as each day that pass the love she felt for him grew. Ben had been so wonderful to her and she wanted him to stop. She could deal with him better when he was angry with her.

  Clara, her nurse had gotten sick, so Sky sent her home, assuring her she would be fine without her. Sky had gotten up to fix lunch for herself some lunch. She was famished. Slipping on her robe, she slowly made her way barefoot to the kitchen,.

  She was reaching up in the cabinet trying to get a plate, so she could fix herself a sandwich. She tried to slide the plate in to her hands, but she was too short to reach it. She did not give up. Reaching up repeatedly finally she had the plate in her hands.

  “Skylar, what in hell are you doing out of the bed?” Ben yelled scaring her. The plate fell out of her hands crashing to the floor.

  “Don’t move Sky, their shards of plate everywhere, why didn’t you put on your slippers?” Ben berated, bending down to pick up the large pieces of the plate.

  Sky stood still, trembling, tears streaming down her face. Ben had scared her, and she did not have a plate for her sandwich.

  “Damn it Sky, you’re not to get out of that bed, and where is Clara?” Ben ranted one question after the other. He had not even looked at Sky; if he had, he would have seen she was crying.

  When all of the pieces of the plate up, he stood in front of her, ready to reprimand her more. His heart lurched, when he saw the tears coursing down her face. Ben silently lifted her carrying her back to bed, and sat her down.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked brusquely, sitting beside her, stroking her back.

  Sky felt his hand on her back soothing her, and he was calming her. Sky moved away from him.

  “Ben stop it, stop touching me, I can’t take this,” she cried her hands covering her face. Ben stared at her again stunned by her react.

  “What Skylar? What can’t you take, what am I doing that’s so wrong damn it?”

  Skylar lay on the bed, and turned her back to him. “Why don’t you divorce me now and leave me alone… please,” she said.

  Ben covered his eyes with the heels of his hand. He watched her body shake with sobs. Ben rose and stood looking at her silently. He felt tear fill his eyes. He didn’t know what she wanted, and it hurt him to see her crying so freely. Ben silently turned and left the room.

  Ben called his mother to see if she could come and sit with Sky. When Georgie arrived, Ben was sitting on the veranda, his head in hands. Georgie felt bad for her son. This was not how this was supposed to turn out.

  “Son, you alright?” She asked softly sitting beside him.

  Ben raised his head looking over at his mother. She could see the tears that flowed down his cheeks.

  “Mom I don’t know what she wants, I’m trying Mom, I really am.”

  Ms Georgie rubbed his back. “Did you try telling her you love her Son?”


  Ben shook his head. “Mom honestly I don’t know if I do or not, I know I want to take care of her, I want her to be happy, love her, I’m just not sure.” Ben said miserably.

  Georgie remained quiet. “Mom she wants me to divorce her now,” he stated and bared his face in his hands.

  Georgie rubbed his back, feeling bad for Ben, but he came at Sky the wrong way, he made the rules, and she was just sticking to it, because that is what she thinks he wants.

  “Ben are you still going to divorce Sky after the babies come?”

  “I don’t know Mom, she certainly seems want it.”

  “And this upsets you?”

  Ben raised his head, shaking it defeated. “I don’t know Mom, look I have to get back on base, Sky hasn’t eaten, she was up making a sandwich when I arrive, Clara not here, and I think Sky sent her home for some reason. When I arrived, Sky was reaching for a plate, I think I scared her; she dropped the plate, when I yelled at her..., I lifted her and carried her back to bed. She started crying, and told me not to touch her, ranting she wanted me to divorce her now.”

  Ben rose and went to his car pulling from the driveway. Georgie shook her head as she watched Ben pull from the driveway. They will get it right, that she was sure of she thought as she went to tend to Sky.

  Few weeks later, Dr Yancy cleared Sky, saying she could get leave the bed for short periods. She was not allowed to do anything to strenuous and especially avoiding upset. Ms Georgie and Jana were planned a surprise baby shower for Sky, now that she was able to get out of bed. Ben’s job was keeping Sky from the house, while they set up for the surprise. That was hard for him since he and Skylar barely spoke to one another, but he would try.

  Sky was reclining in the wicker lounge chair on the veranda, looking out at the ocean. The weather was beginning to warm up, and the many tourists were migrating to the beach. Sky watched as children ran towards the ocean and turn running from the waves. She smiled. Absently, her hand caressed her active children. She was both nervous and excited about giving birth to her girls. She would have a family of her own at last. She could not help having thoughts of mother. A sadness washing over her. She would never know her grandchildren, but then what did she expect; her own mother did not want her, for that matter neither did her children’s father.

  What was wrong with her; was she such a bad person, that people she loved couldn’t love her, was she suffocating the people she loved, why couldn’t she be loved? That was all she ever wanted was to love and be loved in return. Sky laid her head back, exhaling. She had her babies now, and they would love her, because she would love them with all that she was. The crunch of a car pulling in the drive pulled her from her thoughts she looked up. Ben was home.

  Sky watched as he climbed the ramp that lead to the veranda. So handsome he looked in his uniform, but then to her he would look good in rags.

  “Hi,” Ben said smiling.

  “Hi,” Sky spoke softly, dropping her head.

  Ben sat down at the end lounge chair. He looked at her bent head. Sky was truly as timid as his mother had once told him, but then she also could be a hellcat when provoked. A smile curled at his lips.

  “Skylar, please look at me,” Ben asked gently.

  Slowly her head rose. His breath caught in his chest at her beauty, her beautiful hazel/green eyes always caused him to catch his breath. It was so easy for him to get lost in them.

  “Sky,” Ben began speaking, “I know we have a lot of issues between us, and I know I hurt you in the beginning of all this, and that is something I will never forgive myself for. If I had a different attitude about your pregnancy, we would probably have been a lot happier. I understand why you pull away from me. I have been very malevolent towards you because of my stubbornness; I don’t blame you for feeling the way that you do,” he paused, “now I just want you to be happy, I want our babies to be happy.”

  “Ben, what are you trying to say?” she asked softly.

  “I want us to like each other again, I want us to start over, and I know you feel something for me, you would not have let me make love to you if you didn’t. Can we just start over, that’s all I want.”

  Sky searched his face. Can you love me Ben, she thought, but did not voice what was in her heart, can you love me as much as I love you. She knew Ben had been miserably around the house, sometimes he would not come in until very late. She knew because she did not sleep until she heard him walk up the stairs to his bedroom. Wondering if he with Dina. Which she had no right to wonder, she knew the rules when she married him, in name only. She did wonder after their divorce would he marry Dina? Could she walk away unscathed after the babies come? Could she swallow her pride and start over, could she risk it? She sighed inwardly. She loved him, of course she would risk it, just to have a few months of happiness with him would have to be enough and it had to last her lifetime, she would make it last.

  Sky reached out and caressed his face gently, her eyes gazing into his. She lowered her hand.

  “What about Dina?”

  “There is no Dina; I haven’t been with Dina since I married you.”

  Sky studied his face. He was not lying, if anything, she knew about Ben he was brutally honest. Exhaling a breath, she spoke. “Yes, Ben I would like that very much.” she told him. Ben’s face lit up. Sky smiled at him, a genuine bright smile.

  “Can I touch you Sky?” he asked, “I need so badly to touch you,” he admitted unabashed.

  “If you want,” she replied smiling timidly.

  “Can I kiss you?” Ben asked pushing a little more.

  “Please,” she said softly lowering her head.

  Ben reached out and raised her chin. He moved closer to her. Ben heard her intake of breath as his lips cautiously touched hers.

  “Please,” she repeated.

  Ben did not hesitate. His head lowered and tender touched his lips hers. Ben felt her hands as they lifted and caressed his face; He took that as acceptance, and deepened the kiss.

  Sky’s arms slipped around his neck, holding him to her, loving his lips, his tongue, as she tasted the sweet nectar of his mouth. Ben leaned into her, holding her close to him, and Sky held onto him, Sky belly pressed into his Ben side. The babies chose that moment to move. Ben pulled away looking down at her rounded belly, his face in awe. Sky smiled and took his hand, and placed it on her belly, where she felt the movement. His head rose, and she saw the glint of tears in his eyes, and the grin on his handsome face. Sky silently took his other hand and placed it on the other side of her hard belly.

  “When one moves the other usually does too,” she explained. Then he felt his daughters move on each side of her stomach.

  “Does it hurt?” he asked looking up at her, concern on his face.

  “Sometimes they move hard, and sometimes I think I can feel the shape of a foot.”

  Ben smiled. He was astonished, as he felt his children moving inside her body.

  Ben leaned down and kissed each side of her belly, than he raised his head and kiss Sky on her lips.

  Ben rose. “You hungry?” he asked.

  “Yes, I could eat something,” she admitted.

  “What would you like?”

  “Don’t laugh,” Sky said smiling up at him.

  “What?”

  “Sardines and ice cream.”

  Ben grimaced. “Is that good?”

  “You want to try it?” she asked him, smiling.

  “I think I’ll pass.” Ben said extending his hand. Sky placed her hand in his, gently helping her rise. Although, she was able to move around now, she still had to take it easy, and he knew with the added weight it was hard for Sky to move sometimes, he knew because many times her had to help her off the toilet, which embarrassed her immensely.

  Ben pulled open the door and let her go ahead of him. They both went to the kitchen. Sky told him where Clara kept her sardines. He opened the can, put them on a plate, and got her a bowl of pistachio ice cream. Ben sat across from her and watched he
r eat the sardines and ice cream, grimacing with each bite she took. Sky looked at him and smiled offering him some.

  “No thank you, I’ll have a sandwich.”

  They sat across one another talking and laughing. Ben rose to remove her dishes and place them in the sink. Sky reached out and touched his arm. He looked down into her eyes.

  “Ben, I’m sorry I yelled at you,” she spoke softly looking in his eyes.

  Ben bent close to her and kissed her tenderly on her lips. “It over.”

  Later that night Sky dressed for bed, invited Ben to play a game of backgammon. Sky laughed because she was beating Ben every game, they played. He told her he believed she was practicing. It was getting late, and she did not want him to leave. After the last game, Ben rose from the bed. Sky’s eyes followed him. Sky lifted her legs, and put them under the blanket. When she lay down, Ben bent to kiss her goodnight. When his lips touched her, Sky arms slipped around his neck. When he raised his head, Sky looked into his eyes.

  “Stay with me tonight Ben,” she said softly.

  Ben searched her face. He wanted nothing more than to lie beside her.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I don’t want you to leave me tonight,” she admitted.

  Ben turned and undressed, leaving on his boxers. Turning off the overhead light, he moved to the other side of the bed lifting the blankets, and slipping into the bed. Both lay on their backs staring at the ceiling, both silent.

  Ben leaned over Sky. He felt her body tense. He felt her turn her head towards him. Ben lowered his head and kissed her gently on her lips. “Goodnight Sky,” he whispered.

  Sky caressed his face softly. She pulled his mouth back to hers, kissing him, her tongue tracing his lips. Ben mouth parted, and he took control of the kiss. Sky pulled herself closer to him, her belly into him. Ben mouth moved to her face, raining kisses there, his mouth moving lower to her neck, where he gently sucked on her soft velvety skin.

  “Benjamin,” she moaned softly.

  Ben head rose. His breath in short pants.

  “Sky we have to stop now, I want you too badly right now, and if we don’t stop I’m going to make love to you,” he said breathlessly.