Hopelessly Devoted to Holden Finn

by Tilly Tennant

  ‘Oh, God, Linda, I can’t be here.’

  Linda folded her arms. ‘You can’t be missing every morning. Sooner or later you’re going to have to face him.’

  ‘Please… just get the door today.’

  Linda stepped aside. ‘You do it.’

  Bonnie shot her a pleading look, but Linda didn’t flinch. A moment’s stand-off ended with a second, more insistent knock. Linda marched into the kitchen and Bonnie had no choice but to go to the door.

  Her heart was beating so fast that she felt dizzy as she undid the bolts. What would she say to him? How would he react when he saw her? Slowly, she pulled the door back.

  Whether it was relief or more like sticking pins in her already wounded heart, she wasn’t sure, but Bonnie felt her breathing calm again when she saw that Max was not outside the door.

  ‘Are you going to let me in?’ he said.

  It was the surly youth that worked for Max in his warehouse. Bonnie stepped aside without a word. It seemed that Max was so angry and upset with her that he had sent his warehouse boy instead of coming himself. Was this how it would be from now on? What had she done?

  ***

  Henri pushed his empty plate away with a smile. ‘One thing I did miss was your cooking, Bonnie.’

  ‘I’m glad to hear I could do at least one thing right,’ Bonnie replied with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. Paige looked at her sharply but the moment seemed to pass Henri by. ‘So, I take it you’ll be looking for work tomorrow?’ Bonnie added.

  Henri shrugged. ‘You know how difficult it was last time,’ he said. ‘I thought about placing an ad for language lessons.’

  ‘But you’ll try to get something in the meantime? The last time you did teaching you had hardly any students. Stavros wants help at the Bounty, he said so… how about that?’

  ‘I will try to find something more suited to a man of my capabilities first.’

  ‘You need to take what you can find,’ Bonnie said scathingly. ‘Jobs are hard to come by and you have no reasonable employment history to show anyone as it is.’

  ‘Give him a chance,’ Paige said defensively. Bonnie shot her a pained look. Why did Paige side with her dad all the time?

  ‘I will find something, ma petite fleur,’ Henri replied. ‘I just need some time.’

  ‘Well…’ Bonnie said, getting up to clear the dishes away, ‘don’t take too long because I can’t afford to keep us all like I did before. Things have changed – the economy is bad, everything costs a fortune and money doesn’t go as far as it did two years ago.’

  ‘But you won’t have any rent to pay soon,’ Paige put in helpfully.

  ‘I will be paying your nan rent,’ Bonnie said from the sink as she filled the bowl with hot water.

  ‘But Jeanie said –’

  ‘I don’t care what your nan says. I’m paying her some rent whether she likes it or not. I’ll put it in an account for when she needs it… and she will need it at some point, I’m sure. I’m not sponging off her, it’s not right.’

  Henri got up and moved to stand behind Bonnie at the sink. He kissed her lightly on the neck. ‘You have always been too kind.’

  ‘It’s not being kind,’ Bonnie said, trying to sidestep awkwardly away from the arms that were attempting to encircle her waist. She grabbed a teacloth and turned to face him. ‘It’s being a decent human being.’

  Henri took the cloth from her and covered her hands with his. Paige watched them carefully from the table. Bonnie shot her a warning glance.

  ‘I guess I’ll go FaceTime Annabel,’ Paige said, taking the hint that her mum and dad needed to be alone. She got up from the table and headed for her bedroom, a small, triumphant smile on her face.

  Bonnie turned to Henri. ‘You’ve been allowed back into the flat. But you need to work a lot harder to get back into my bed.’

  He smiled, his dark eyes smouldering. ‘I know that. And I intend to persuade you, whatever it takes.’

  ‘I don’t want persuading if it’s the usual Henri Chasse method. I want you to show me that I can rely on you this time. Then, maybe we can talk about it.’

  ***

  Max didn’t show up at Applejack’s all week. By the weekend, Bonnie was ready to slap Robert, his warehouse assistant, in his sullen face; the boy was no more pleasant than he had been the first time he had delivered to them, despite Linda’s best efforts every morning to draw some sort of conversation from him. Linda had also tried to get some sort of information about Max from his uncommunicative employee, but he simply shrugged every time the subject was broached and said that Max had informed him that he was now the new delivery man until further notice. Bonnie tried desperately not to think about Max, but she could do little else. Once, Paige had caught her crying as she cooked bacon for Henri, but had accepted her reply that she was worried about Jeanie’s imminent departure for Spain a little too readily.

  Jeanie had reacted exactly as Bonnie expected – with a long string of expletives and threats to remove certain valuable parts of Henri’s anatomy – and it took Bonnie a long time to calm her enough to explain the reasons why she was letting him move back in. Jeanie sniffed and said that Bonnie was mad, that Paige clearly needed some kind of child psychologist, that she knew some very bad people indeed who could have Henri beaten up and left in an alleyway for twenty quid and a keg of Special Brew, and that she would rather set fire to her house before she left for Spain than see Henri move into it with them when she had gone. Bonnie nodded patiently to all this. She could see how hard it was for her mum to understand what Bonnie was doing. And if she was honest, sometimes, Bonnie couldn’t quite see a clear way through her own muddled logic either. But her decision had been made, and she had to make the best of it.

  Henri had well and truly settled in too. Bonnie had no idea whether he was job-hunting when she was at work, but every night when she got home, there was a suspiciously deep indent on the corner of the sofa that got the best view of the TV. It seemed that he had a total lack of insight into his previous wrongdoings and couldn’t understand why Bonnie would not welcome him with open arms to settle right back into his old life, as Paige had done. As for Paige’s behaviour, Bonnie found it bewildering and frustrating in equal measure. While she was still as moody as ever with Bonnie, it seemed that Henri could do no wrong. Bonnie could only guess she had been so wounded when Henri left the first time that she was desperate not to be abandoned again and would do anything to make sure that didn’t happen. But Paige steadfastly refused to talk about it during the rare moments Henri was missing long enough for them to do so in private, and without discussing how her daughter really felt, Bonnie couldn’t be certain. The only positive thing the week brought was that Holden’s texts seemed to have stopped and Bonnie silently wondered whether he had finally got the message. Any more of those would be a complication too far, and Bonnie’s nerves were already close to breaking point.

  ***

  Bonnie woke with a start as the bed moved. She turned groggily to see Henri’s dark outline climbing in beside her.

  ‘What are you doing?’ she croaked.

  ‘I was cold.’

  ‘Get some more blankets then, you know where the cupboard is.’

  ‘Please, let me sleep here tonight. I’m lonely.’

  Bonnie hesitated. The pain in his voice sounded so genuine. Perhaps it was true. ‘No touching,’ she said finally, moving away as he lay down. ‘Sleeping is exactly what we do.’

  ‘Can I hold you?’ Henri asked. ‘I need to warm up. I won’t do anything else.’

  ‘No.’

  There was a pause. ‘Please…’ he stroked a hand down her hair.

  Bonnie suddenly ached with longing as his breath warmed the back of her neck. She desperately wanted someone to hold her at night, had wanted it for the two years she had spent sleeping alone. So what if Henri wasn’t the right one? What was that old saying… if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with? Bonnie had never understo
od the meaning of that more than she did right now. Henri took her silence as permission and slid an arm around her waist, pulling her in to spoon her, and laid his head next to her. No matter how much she fought it, no matter how much anger she still had towards him burning her insides, her resolve was beginning to crumble. It was so hard to be this lonely for this long and not melt under Henri’s warm embrace, that voice in her ear, that seductive accent…

  As she settled without pushing him off, Henri nuzzled closer. ‘You still look so beautiful,’ he whispered. ‘This is why I could not stop myself from coming to your bed…’ He kissed her neck; feather light caresses sending thrills of desire down her spine.

  ‘Stop it,’ she hissed back.

  ‘You don’t mean that.’

  Bonnie closed her eyes as he brushed her hair aside and trailed more delicate kisses across her back. This was so wrong, but it felt so good as the fire inside her began to burn, her body begging for much more.

  ‘Please… Henri…. don’t do this.’

  ‘We could be good together again. You know we could… je t’adore, Bonnie…’ His hardness stirred against her as his hands moved lower, down to her thighs, softly caressing as he worked his kisses over the skin of her shoulder, faster now, more urgent.

  Bonnie’s insides ached, her thoughts jumbled into a blur of heat and longing… it would be easy to let him take her, and so, so good…

  ‘Stop!’ she gasped, pulling away and sitting up. ‘Stop it, this isn’t right.’

  He sat up to face her and Bonnie reached for the lamp to flick it on.

  ‘What is the matter with you?’ he pouted.

  ‘This is the matter!’ Bonnie panted. ‘You can’t just come back into my life and do this to me.’

  ‘It seemed that you liked it a moment ago.’

  ‘You took advantage of me.’

  ‘You’re crazy! You wanted me.’

  ‘I told you no.’

  ‘Your body told me yes.’

  Bonnie hugged herself and shivered slightly. ‘Maybe my body doesn’t know what’s good for it,’ she replied miserably. ‘I’ve been on my own a long time.’

  ‘Yes,’ Henri said, ‘you have. You are a beautiful woman who has needs. I understand that. I can fulfil your needs. We used to be great together…’ he gave her a smouldering look. ‘We used to have sex that woke the neighbours and broke the bed. Do you remember that? If sex is all you need, we don’t have to make it about anything more than that – no strings.’

  Bonnie’s mouth fell open. ‘You think that’s ok?’ she squeaked. ‘You think I just need sex and you’re prepared to go along with that, even though you’re living under my roof as part of my family again?’

  ‘I just thought –’

  ‘Get out!’ Bonnie said through gritted teeth.

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘No,’ Bonnie cut in, ‘you don’t and you never will, and that’s why you’ll never get back in my bed. Get out!’

  Henri pulled the sheets over his shoulder and turned to face away from her. ‘I am staying here.’

  ‘Fine,’ Bonnie grimaced. ‘Then I’ll get out. Anything to be away from you.’

  Grabbing her pillow, she headed for the sofa.

  ***

  Bonnie woke to find Paige staring down at her holding a glass of water.

  ‘What are you doing on there?’ she asked.

  ‘Your dad was cold, I let him have the bed,’ Bonnie excused, pushing herself up to sit. It was lucky that it was Sunday, because at least it meant another terrible night’s sleep wouldn’t fall under Linda’s scrutiny yet again. She rubbed her swollen eyes and yawned widely.

  ‘You don’t look like you’ve slept very well,’ Paige observed as she sat down on the end of the sofa.

  ‘It’s not that comfy on here.’

  ‘I know. But you let Dad sleep there for loads of nights.’

  ‘Yeah, well your dad doesn’t have to go to work the next day, does he?’

  ‘I don’t know why you can’t just sleep in the same bed again. I won’t be embarrassed, I know all about the birds and the bees now, you know.’ Paige grinned. Bonnie tried to return the smile.

  ‘I know,’ she said. ‘We’re just not ready for that yet.’

  ‘He hurt you, didn’t he, loads more than you let on,’ Paige said shrewdly.

  Bonnie stared at her for a moment. The way she had behaved since Henri’s return, she hadn’t felt that Paige understood it at all. Whatever her motives for welcoming Henri back, she obviously understood more about the situation than she admitted.

  ‘He did. And I’m not sure how to forgive it.’

  ‘But you’re not still seeing Max, are you?’ Paige asked.

  Bonnie stiffened. ‘It would have nothing to do with you or your dad if I was.’

  ‘You are?’

  ‘No, I’m not. But that’s my choice and not up to anyone else.’

  ‘Good, because Dad would go crazy if you were. He loves you and he wants us to be a family again.’

  ‘He told you that?’

  Paige shifted slightly. ‘Not really. But I know it’s true, or why would he come back?’

  Bonnie could think of a few reasons, and none of them had anything to do with love. ‘Are you happy, with him back in the flat?’

  Paige nodded. ‘It’s weird, because I’m not used to a man being here, but I think so.’

  ‘Ok.’ Bonnie stretched and looked at the clock. ‘Time for a coffee, I think. Do you want one?’

  ‘I think I might go back to bed for a while,’ Paige said, standing up.

  ‘Not sneaking off to FaceTime Annabel with the latest gossip then?’

  Paige grinned. ‘I might be.’

  ‘Don’t be too long,’ Bonnie smiled, ‘or you’ll miss bacon sandwiches.’

  Paige bent to kiss her. ‘I won’t.’

  ***

  Whether Henri had dismissed their nocturnal spat, or simply not attached as much significance to it as Bonnie had, he wasn’t saying, but Sunday passed civilly enough with neither of them mentioning it. She wasn’t certain why, but she found herself regularly checking her phone, whenever she had a quiet moment, only to find it empty of new messages. She knew that Max was not going to text her, of course, but the germ of hope was still there just the same. To know that he was thinking of her, that he didn’t now completely hate her would have been enough. There wasn’t even a text from Holden.

  Later in the day, after lunch was over and Henri was curled up on the sofa watching a film with Paige, Bonnie, under the pretence of tidying some ironing away, found herself sitting in Paige’s room staring up at the poster of Holden. He looked back down at her, with that cheeky, frozen grin. So that was it, after all she’d been through, Bonnie had found herself back where she began, with Henri and Paige and a steady job and nothing out of the ordinary. What had the past few months been about if fate had simply decided to throw her back after putting her through the emotional wringer? It didn’t make any sense. Bonnie wanted to believe that Holden had moved on, but instead found his silence disconcerting; it seemed too neat to her that things would resolve themselves so easily. What was he up to now?

  She looked up as Paige wandered in. ‘That was an awesome night, wasn’t it, Mum?’ she said, sitting down next to Bonnie on the bed.

  Bonnie turned to her. ‘It was certainly memorable,’ she smiled ruefully.

  ‘I’m sad that Annabel didn’t come… but I’m so glad I got to share it with you,’ Paige replied.

  Bonnie felt tears sting her eyes but she swallowed them back. Her love for Paige had always been the most powerful emotion she had ever felt, right from the first second she had held her, fifteen years before, a tiny, fierce-looking bundle with huge lungs. Bonnie knew right now, looking at her beautiful daughter, just as she had always known, that she would do absolutely anything, to make her happy. ‘I’m so glad you let me,’ Bonnie said, reaching to pull Paige into a hug.

  Paige hugged her back an
d giggled. ‘Blimey, Mum, I’ll have to let you come out with me more often.’

  Bonnie only held her tighter.

  ***

  ‘Sofa or bed?’ Bonnie asked Henri as bedtime arrived once again.

  He raised his eyebrows in a questioning look. ‘So I have to choose?’

  Bonnie nodded.

  ‘What would you do if I chose the bed?’ he asked.

  ‘Then I’d sleep on the sofa.’

  He paused, watching her with barely disguised amusement, as though he was confident it was only a matter of time before Bonnie caved in. Perhaps it was. ‘Then I suppose I will take the sofa,’ he said dryly.

  Without a word, Bonnie took herself to bed.

  ***

  Bonnie woke on another dreary Monday morning relieved that she had not been disturbed by an amorous Henri. She wondered whether he had finally got the message, but knowing Henri, she doubted it.

  Paige joined her at the kitchen table for a quick and bleary-eyed breakfast. They hardly spoke, except for vague details of what time Paige would be in from school and what there was in the fridge for her to eat. Bonnie liked to make sure that the things Paige liked, which were limited, were all available and easy to find.

  ‘What about Dad?’ Paige asked. ‘Shall I get him something when I get home?’

  Bonnie shrugged. ‘If he wants something I suppose.’

  ‘I think I’ll cook,’ Paige said. ‘He’d like that.’

  He should be cooking for you, Bonnie thought. ‘Just be careful,’ she warned. ‘I don’t want any kitchen disasters.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Paige said brightly, ‘we’ll be just fine.’

  Somehow, Bonnie didn’t like the idea of the two of them being alone while she was at work. She couldn’t be sure what Henri might extract from Paige about their lives in his absence, that he could twist and store away to bring out when he needed emotional ammunition. But there was little she could do about it, and she left for work with a weary resignation that this was how life would be from now on.