Hopelessly Devoted to Holden Finn

by Tilly Tennant

  ***

  The morning knock at the back door of Applejack’s brought more disappointment as Bonnie opened it to Robert. She should have been getting used to Max not being there, but each morning that he stayed away only made her more miserable. It was clear that she would never get used to not seeing him, no matter how long he stayed away. She couldn’t help but wonder whether he had gone back to Sarah. He deserved to be happy, and perhaps Sarah was the woman to make it happen. She tried to think of this and be pleased about it, but it was hard, no matter what she told herself.

  Bonnie showed the boy in and made him a cup of tea before he started to bring the stock in (he might have been a sullen sod, but Bonnie and Linda had decided that it was no reason to make him die of thirst). Just as he was drinking it, a second knock came at the door. Bonnie and Linda exchanged worried glances. If it was Max, what would Bonnie say? What could he want?

  ‘You want me to get it?’ Linda asked, seeing the colour drain from Bonnie’s face.

  Bonnie nodded faintly and Linda went to the door.

  ‘Henri!’ Linda gasped.

  Henri pushed past her into the stockroom. ‘Paige tells me that Bonnie’s boyfriend is the delivery driver.’ Immediately, his gaze fell upon the spotty youth who was sitting on a bench and drinking tea while he glared at Henri. He wasn’t glaring at Henri for any reason – he just glared at everyone that way. ‘Is this it?’ Henri asked with a scathing laugh as he pointed at the boy. ‘I thought I would have more competition than that.’

  ‘Who the hell are you?’ Robert scowled.

  Henri made a move towards him, his fists clenched and his jaw tight with anger.

  Bonnie grabbed his arm. ‘This is not him.’

  Henri turned to her. ‘Where is he then?’

  Linda stepped forwards. ‘Look here, you tit, don’t you think you’ve done enough damage without coming in here threatening people?’

  ‘Ah…’ Henri replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm, ‘how lovely to see you again, Linda…’ He gave her a mocking little flourish.

  ‘Get out,’ Linda growled back. ‘And take your sad ego with you.’

  ‘Linda…’ Bonnie stepped between them. ‘Please, just leave it.’

  ‘You think I’m going to stand here and watch while he screws up your life?’ Linda shouted at Bonnie.

  ‘Calm down,’ Bonnie shouted back. ‘This is not your battle.’

  ‘Battle?’ Henri cut in. ‘Where is the battle in this? I am Paige’s father; I was here before this delivery driver. It is my right to defend my woman!’

  ‘I am not your woman!’ Bonnie hissed.

  ‘So you love this delivery man?’ Henri asked savagely.

  ‘I mean that I am nobody’s woman! I’m not some trinket that you can take a fancy to and own! I’m sick of everyone thinking that they can own me!’

  ‘You heard her,’ Linda said, ‘sling your hook.’

  ‘Keep out of this, Lind,’ Bonnie said.

  ‘What do you mean, keep out?’ Linda shot back. ‘I’m saving you from yourself. And what about poor Max? He’s heartbroken!’

  Bonnie paused for a moment and stared at her. ‘How do you know that?’

  ‘I just do,’ Linda replied, flustered. ‘What I do know or what I don’t, it doesn’t change the fact that you were happy with Max and then this…’ she threw a hand in the direction of a glowering Henri, ‘turns up and you drop him with not even a decent explanation why.’

  ‘How dare you!’ Henri snarled, making a move towards Linda.

  ‘Go on, tough guy,’ Linda goaded, ‘I’d love you to take a pop at me. Take a swing and I’ll have you in prison faster than you can say horsemeat.’

  ‘Linda! Stop it!’ Bonnie shouted.

  The delivery boy simply sat and watched the fireworks, a slow smile – the first he had ever displayed in Applejack’s – spreading across his face. But then a voice cut through the tension and all four turned to see a furious Fred in the doorway.

  ‘You!’ he said, pointing a shaking finger at Henri. ‘If you don’t leave my shop now, I’ll have you arrested…. And you won’t even have time to think about saying horsemeat.’

  Henri glared at him, then took a breath and held his hands up in a gesture of surrender. ‘I’m going.’ He turned to Bonnie. ‘Later, we talk.’

  Bonnie watched him go in silence.

  ‘Next time he comes in here kicking off,’ Fred huffed at Bonnie once Henri had slammed the door behind him, ‘you get thrown out with him.’ He stormed back into the main shop.

  Linda turned to Bonnie. ‘He doesn’t mean it.’

  ‘I know he doesn’t. He knows he wouldn’t get anyone else to skivvy for him like I do.’

  ‘He’s fond of you really, you know that don’t you?’

  Bonnie sighed. ‘It doesn’t feel like anyone is fond of me right now.’ Her attention was drawn by the delivery boy, who was making his way quietly to the door to fetch the stock from his van. ‘Sorry about that,’ Bonnie told him.

  He looked round and shrugged. ‘Don’t worry, sug, I could have taken him.’

  Bonnie gave him a wry half-smile. ‘I’m sure you could.’

  ***

  Linda pulled on her coat and glanced at Bonnie, who sat with her head in her hands at the table in the tiny kitchen of Applejack’s. ‘Come on, why don’t you come down to the Bounty with me? The fresh air will make you feel better.’

  Bonnie looked up at her with a weary resignation. ‘I’m not hungry and I don’t really feel like making small talk with Stav today.’

  ‘Stay outside then while I go in and order.’

  Bonnie shook her head. ‘You go. I need to phone my mum anyway.’

  Linda raised a questioning eyebrow. ‘Is she ok?’

  ‘Mum? Yeah, she’s fine. I’m just worried about Paige going home to sit with Henri by herself after school.’

  Linda’s mouth dropped open as she stared at Bonnie with a horrified expression. ‘You don’t think he’d do anything to her?’

  ‘Oh no,’ Bonnie said. ‘He wouldn’t do anything physical, anyway. I’m more worried about the lies he might tell her, or what she’ll tell him that he’ll twist to suit his own ends. We’ve already seen the trouble that would cause.’

  ‘This morning’s little incident…’

  ‘Yeah. I don’t want anything like that happening again. And I know that Max is no pushover, but I don’t want Henri anywhere near him… God only knows what he would do to him given half a chance.’

  ‘Bonnie,’ Linda said in a hard voice, ‘do you honestly believe this is the sort of man who should be bringing Paige up?’

  Bonnie shrugged. ‘I don’t have a choice, at least not right now. For today, I’m more concerned about this obsession he seems to have with Max.’

  ‘What are you going to do then?’

  ‘I’m going to ask my mum to meet Paige from school and take her back to her house. Paige won’t like it, but I can’t see any other way of keeping her away from Henri until I get home.’

  ‘You can’t do that forever.’

  ‘I know. But at least it will give me a bit of time to talk to Paige first, make her understand that she has to be careful what she says to her dad.’

  ‘That’ll go down well.’

  Bonnie grimaced. ‘I know. They both have it in for Max right now, so it’s like trying to keep Hitler and Goebbels apart.’

  Linda threw her head back and laughed. ‘That’s one way of putting it.’ She turned to head out the door.

  ‘Linda…’ Bonnie called.

  Her friend halted and turned back. ‘Yeah?’

  ‘When you said before that Max was heartbroken… you’ve seen him, haven’t you?’

  Linda paused for a moment, clearly torn. ‘Yes,’ she finally admitted. ‘I called in at the warehouse on the way home one night. I didn’t think it would be open, but he was catching up on some paperwork.’

  ‘Was he ok, though?’

  ‘If you mean ok as i
n not slitting his wrists open, then, yeah, he’s ok. If you mean is he happy and getting on with his life, then, no… he’s really not ok.’

  Bonnie hated herself for her next question, but it forced its way out. ‘He’s not back with Sarah, then?’

  Linda shook her head. ‘No. He’s far too screwed up now for that.’

  ***

  Three o’clock came and Bonnie’s phone bleeped in her pocket just as she had finished bagging up a customer’s order. Fred glared at her as she shrugged apologetically and hurried into the stockroom to check it.

  Have picked up Paige, nothing to worry about. See you later. X

  Bonnie heaved a sigh of relief. Paige hadn’t kicked up too much of a stink then – that was one less thing to worry about. She tapped a reply:

  Thanks. Will see you later and explain. X

  She was just about to slide the phone back into her pocket when it bleeped again.

  Robert told me about this morning with Henri. Are you ok?

  The lump rose quickly in Bonnie’s throat. She dragged a deep breath and swallowed her tears back. After all that she had done to him, Max still wanted to know if she was alright. She paused, re-reading the message. Eleven words. Eleven small, uncomplicated words that said so much more than they ever could by themselves. Replies formed in her head, but none of them seemed right, none of them were significant enough to convey how grateful she was that he still cared.

  Finally, after staring at the phone blankly, she replied.

  I’m fine. Thank you for asking. I’m sorry that Robert got dragged into it. I hope he was alright. x

  It was nowhere near enough, but it would have to do. Bonnie shoved the phone back into her pocket and hurried out to the shop. Linda shot her a questioning glance, but Bonnie shook her head and tried to force a smile. Linda simply frowned in return. Bonnie knew she hadn’t fooled her, not for a minute.

  ***

  Paige sat glowering at Bonnie and Jeanie in turn as they shared a pizza, although, so far, Paige had refused to eat the slices on her plate.

  ‘I still don’t know why I couldn’t go straight home,’ she said. ‘Dad will be all alone and starving by now and we’re here munching crappy frozen pizza without him.’

  ‘You know how he feels about your nan,’ Bonnie reasoned.

  ‘And the feeling is mutual,’ Jeanie cut in.

  Bonnie shot her a warning look. ‘I thought we’d agreed not to bring all that up again.’

  ‘Just saying. I still think you’re both mad letting him back in the flat. And I’ll tell you this now… he’d better not get any ideas about living in my house, because if I find out that he is…’

  Bonnie sighed. She didn’t see how she was going to get around that particular issue, but as her tired brain was already wrestling with more problems than it could handle, she had decided to cross that very rickety bridge when she came to it. She turned to Paige. ‘The reason I asked your nan to pick you up, is because I wanted to have a talk to you without your dad being there.’

  ‘Why?’ Paige folded her arms and frowned obstinately. ‘What is there to say that Dad can’t hear?’

  ‘I need to talk to you about your dad. About what we do and do not say to him…’

  ‘You mean you want me to lie to him about stuff?’

  ‘Not exactly lie… just not exactly tell him everything…’

  ‘But why?’

  ‘Because…’ Bonnie said carefully, battling with her waning patience. ‘Your dad doesn’t always react to things appropriately.’

  Paige stared at her but didn’t reply.

  ‘What your mum is trying to say,’ Jeanie cut in with a blunt tone, ‘is that if your dad hears something he doesn’t like, he doesn’t wait to find out if it’s true or not, he just goes out to smash someone’s face in.’

  Bonnie groaned. ‘Yes, thanks, Mum. That wasn’t quite how I would have put it.’

  ‘I can’t see the point in beating around the bush,’ Jeanie said briskly as Paige’s mouth dropped open. Jeanie ignored her granddaughter’s reaction and looked at them both in turn. ‘Now that’s sorted, who wants a cuppa?’

  Thirteen

  Tuesday at work had been quieter and at least there had been no repeat of the previous morning’s drama. Max’s text had raised some hope in Bonnie that he might show for delivery that morning, but as was usual now, Robert, had come instead. Bonnie was almost disappointed that Henri had stayed away too – it meant that there was no reason for Max to text again.

  Bonnie mused on all this as she stood at the kitchen counter later at home, chopping peppers for a chilli. Interrupting her thoughts, Paige sidled in and sat at the table.

  Bonnie stopped for a moment and glanced over her shoulder. ‘Alright Paige?’

  Paige nodded. ‘Annabel wants to me to go over.’

  ‘You know you can go to Annabel’s whenever you want as long as I know about it,’ Bonnie turned to her now with a puzzled look. ‘Why are you looking so unsure about asking?’

  Paige shrugged. ‘Well… Dad will be here.’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘And he might think it’s rude if I go out again.’

  ‘Of course he won’t,’ Bonnie smiled. ‘You’re fifteen; he knows that you have a life of your own now.’

  Paige scuffed her feet under the table as she bit her lip thoughtfully.

  ‘Stop worrying,’ Bonnie said, wiping her hands on a cloth and joining Paige at the table. ‘You can’t walk on eggshells your whole life in case you upset your dad.’

  ‘Eggshells?’

  ‘It means that you have to get on with your life as normal. Which means going out with your friends, throwing dirty pants under your bed and stealing my lipsticks.’

  ‘I don’t steal your lipsticks!’

  Bonnie raised her eyebrows and Paige grinned.

  ‘Ok, maybe I borrow your lipsticks.’

  ‘Yes, very long-term borrow.’ Bonnie leaned to kiss her on the forehead. ‘Go and see Annabel. Your dad will still be here when you get back.’

  ‘I wish I could be sure about that,’ Paige said darkly.

  ‘We’re none of us sure that our loved ones will always be here for us,’ Bonnie replied, ‘but that doesn’t mean we should live our lives in fear.’

  ‘You know what, Mum…’ Paige said with a cheeky look, ‘sometimes you’re really thick…’

  Bonnie laughed.

  ‘But sometimes,’ Paige continued, ‘you’re really smart.’

  ‘What am I today?’

  ‘Pretty smart.’

  ‘Coming from you, that’s a huge compliment. So, what time are you going to Annabel’s?’

  Paige glanced towards the half-prepared ingredients on the worktop. ‘Her mum says I can go for tea… if that’s ok.’

  ‘Oh that lot will keep,’ Bonnie said, waving a dismissive hand at the food. ‘You go for tea and I’ll save you some for tomorrow.’

  Paige smiled and got up. ‘Thanks Mum.’

  Her expression was so much lighter than it had been ten minutes previously, but Bonnie’s darkened as her daughter left the room. It was only right that Paige should get on with her life, but now Bonnie faced the test of eating dinner alone with Henri. They were playing this happy family game well enough for everyone outside, but the atmosphere between them was as taut as piano wire. Henri had made it quite clear what he wanted from Bonnie, and she had made it equally clear that she wasn’t about to give it to him. With Paige out of the way, Bonnie had a horrible feeling that tonight was going to end badly.

  ***

  With dinner eaten in a reasonably civil atmosphere, Bonnie cleared away the plates while Henri uncorked a bottle of wine. He poured a glass and then looked at Bonnie questioningly.

  ‘Not for me,’ Bonnie said. ‘I’ll never get up for work tomorrow.’

  ‘Go on,’ Henri smiled. ‘Just one tiny glass won’t hurt.’

  ‘Really, I’m fine.’ Bonnie squeezed some washing up liquid into the bowl and ran the hot ta
p.

  Henri came up behind her moments later and placed a glass of wine next to her on the worktop. ‘For when you’ve finished washing up.’

  ‘I don’t want one,’ Bonnie said, her eyes fixed firmly on her task.

  ‘Please…’ Henri pulled her by the shoulder gently to face him. ‘Drink with me. It’s been so long since we drank together. I promise I will be a good boy.’

  Bonnie paused, ready to argue. But then she simply sighed. ‘One drink. Don’t think you can get me tipsy and have your way with me.’

  Henri pouted. ‘There was a time I could have my way without getting you tipsy.’

  ‘Don’t…’ Bonnie warned.

  Henri stepped away with his hands in the air. Against her better judgement, Bonnie turned off the tap and dropped the dirty dishes into the water to soak before grabbing her wine and following him into the living room.

  Henri was sitting on the sofa, his wine on a small side table. He patted the seat beside him. ‘Come and sit with me. It’s time we talked properly.’

  ‘That reality show about DIY is on in a minute,’ Bonnie said, grabbing the TV remote and sitting on the other end of the sofa. ‘It’s supposed to be hilarious.’

  Henri reached over and took the remote from her. Then he took her wine and placed it next to his before reaching for her hands. ‘Never mind the television. We need to talk.’

  ‘Ok,’ Bonnie said, sliding her hands from his and folding them in her lap, ‘what do you want to talk about?’

  ‘Us.’

  ‘I thought we’d sorted all that.’

  ‘We sorted the practical things.’

  ‘What else is there?’

  Henri lowered his voice into a seductive drawl. ‘I miss you, Bonnie. I need you.’

  ‘Not this again…’

  Henri put his finger over her lips. ‘Stop. Let me talk.’

  Bonnie frowned but was silent. She waited. But Henri simply reached for a lock of her hair, tucking it gently behind her ear. The action fired tiny pulses through her and she couldn’t help but close her eyes. His touch was still so good, and he knew it. Then his lips were close to her ear, his hot breath on her neck. ‘I want you back. Not only to live with… I was wrong to leave. I want you back as my lover. I will do anything…’ He kissed her earlobe lightly and she shivered, fighting the ripples of desire that fired up and down her spine. ‘Anything… to have you….’ his lips moved down her neck, and onto her mouth, kissing her forcefully. She could taste the wine on his lips.