Where You Can Find Me

by Cole, Fiona

  I let the words sink into me and tried to grasp how they made me feel. But the contentment remained firmly in place. I was okay with only being his. I was better than okay; I was good. Turning in his arms and resting on my back, I looked up at him, trying to show him how he made me feel. I took a deep breath and left it at, “Okay.”

  I lifted my head to place a soft kiss on his lips. When my head hit the pillow I failed miserably at hiding the joyous smile that spread across my lips. A smile so big I thought my cheeks would cramp. I covered my face, a little embarrassed by my lack of control. I wanted to be cool and collected, but I hadn’t felt this way with anyone in a long, long time. I had dated other people, but on a superficial level and with Jack it went so much deeper.

  Pulling my hands away from my face he asked, “Why are you being so shy? Your smile is beautiful. I love that I can make you smile this big. You should smile this big all the time.”

  “It’s been awhile since I’ve smiled this big. It’s been awhile since I’ve let myself be this close to someone.” At my confession, I saw the questions cross his face. My smile slipped a little remembering seeing him and my brother talking. Remembering the pity I briefly saw in his eyes before he masked it. I didn’t know what Jameson had told him, but he shouldn’t have. It was my place to tell Jack in a time and in a way that I preferred, that I controlled. But since those secrets were already hinted at, my time was now. Looking away with a wry smile, I started. “You know, anyone associated with the military would have been the last person I thought I would ever be with.”

  He squinted his eyes in confusion and asked, “Hey now, what’s wrong with a military man?”

  Dropping my words to a whisper, “They ... uh … bring up bad memories for me.”

  “I’m sorry, Luella. I had no idea. Well, actually that’s a lie. Now that I think about it, I guess I did notice you tense up every time I mentioned a story of my time in the Army. I’m so sorry. I should have paid more attention and stopped.”

  I quickly rushed to correct him, shaking my head, “No. No, I don’t want you to think that at all. I want to hear your stories. They are a part of you and I want to know every part of you. I’m sorry I tensed up. It’s something I struggle with. I’ve struggled with some not-so-great decisions.” I paused, unsure of how to continue or how much to tell. I didn’t want him to think any less of me or the struggles I had been through. My breathing started coming a little faster as a small amount of panic settled in. What if he did think less of me?

  “Hey, Lu.” He brushed my hair back from my face and tilted my chin up to look at him. “It’s okay. We all make not-so-great decisions.” He pressed his lips softly to mine. He pulled back and looked straight in my eyes. “Look, I know you saw your brother talking to me and what he said doesn’t change anything. I know how brothers can be. Hell, I am one. He only asked me about your drinking lately and asked me to keep an eye on it. And … Shit. I can see you’re getting pissed.” I clamped my jaw tight and felt my nostrils flaring trying to take deep breaths to calm my anger. “I’m doing this all wrong.” Jack dropped his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’m ruining the whole damn night.” He lifted his head and I could see his regret. “I’m sorry, Lu.”

  My anger softened a little. “Don’t be sorry. Please. It’s not your fault. I’m pissed at Jameson for opening his stupid mouth. I’m not mad at you at all. Just ... embarrassed.”

  “Don’t be embarrassed. Like I said, you’re mine. All of you. The good and the bad. The secrets you’ve shared and the ones you still hold close. I accept all of it. Like I hope you accept mine. I’m a mess just trying to hold it together to impress a beautiful woman. I hope when things start getting messy we stand by each other. Okay?” He moved his head down trying to catch my eyes.

  I nodded my head and decided to go for it. The panic that lurked in the shadows had me in its grasp now. I could feel myself taking deep breaths, trying to control it. I could feel the stinging behind my eyes as I prepared to admit my biggest weaknesses and saddest moments.

  “The reason Jameson asked you about how much I was drinking is because I had serious drinking problem for about a year when I was twenty-one.” I quickly shifted my eyes to his to see his reaction but only saw curiosity and no judgment.

  “Is it something you still struggle with?”

  I shook my head. “No. It was more circumstantial than a craving.” I paused trying to gather myself. I stared straight up at the ceiling and could feel the pain wash over me the same as the day it happened. I could feel the almost numb acceptance and excruciating heartache of the truth as it settled deep in my heart. Time does not heal all wounds. But time does allow for the acceptance of the wound and the ability to learn to cope with it. Time doesn’t heal a lost limb, but you do learn how to function without it. It took me a long time and a lot of alcohol to accept it.

  My voice barely a whisper, I confessed my wound. “My brother, Asher, died in Afghanistan when I was twenty-one.” I could feel Jack tense next to me, but I didn’t have the ability to turn and look at him. I just stared at the ceiling and kept talking.

  “He was my Irish twin. We were born less than a year apart and he was my best damn friend.” I could feel my tears slipping down the sides of my face into my ears but I could do nothing to stop the storm of pain, only breathe through it and try and control the size of it. “Jameson was so much older than us and even though he and Asher bonded together through sports, Asher and I shared a bond as well. We may as well have been actual twins. That’s the kind of bond we had. When our parents died, Jameson became an island and stepped in as the parental figure. So Asher and I clung to each other tighter. When I enrolled to college he kept putting it off saying he wasn’t sure where he wanted to go until one day he told me he signed up for the Army. I panicked at the idea of him leaving me, but he just hugged me and told me that no matter where he went, he would always be with me. He joined up to be in the Special Forces and died on his first trip overseas when an IED blew up his Humvee.”

  I knew I sounded hollow when I retold the story, but it was the only way I knew how to get it out. “I’ll never, ever forget when they came to the door.” My breath caught, remembering the feeling that slipped over my body, seeing two men in uniform on the other side.

  It’s your biggest fear. And you think you know how it would feel during those times your mind wanders to the worst-case scenario. But nothing could have ever prepared me for the sheer force of pain that settled over me without any words having to be spoken. I remember closing the door after empty words were exchanged and just laid on the floor in our entryway in the fetal position as sounds of a wounded animal came tearing from my chest. I laid there until Jameson came home hitting me with the door when he opened it.

  They say time heals all wounds; but nothing feels healed as I remember those moments.

  I could feel my body shuddering through the tears as Jack tried to calm me. His arms wrapped tight around me as he rocked me and brushed his hand through my hair. “Shh, baby. I know. I know. I’m so sorry, baby.” He repeated those words over and over again as I tried to control the storm. My chest bounced with each short intake of air. After a few more moments of falling apart, I finally started taking deep breaths that shook my chest as I exhaled, slowly calming down again. “Shh, baby. You don’t have to tell me anymore. I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.”

  With one last cleansing breath I let his strength seep inside me and I used it to continue. “No, it’s okay. I really don’t want to do this again. I started and I want to finish it.”

  Jack nodded his head and kept his arms wrapped tight around me. “Anyways, as you can imagine, I struggled through the loss and I started drinking. A lot. I drank all the time and for the most part I would still able to function fine. On the weekends, I had less to keep me busy so I drank more. I would go to parties and try to forget. I had a lot of random, stupid sex.” I shook my head, remembering my stupidity. “I was miss
ing my other half and I needed to feel something positive again and I tried to find it with sex. Problem was that I was so drunk all the time I didn’t remember a lot of it. About nine months into my endeavor I got pregnant. I didn’t know. I didn’t know until I had a miscarriage. That just set off another string of events and I began drinking more. I was in school for a lot of this time, but in the beginning I think everyone just thought I was acting off because I was mourning. Then summer came and no one really noticed. Jameson didn’t make me work and he was dealing with his own loss at the same time. He didn’t know what to do with me. It was in my second semester of the following year that I made a mistake in my research lab. I had a professor take me aside and told me he knew I was coming into lab drunk and if I didn’t get my shit together then I would be removed, which would cause me to lose my scholarship.

  “Even that wasn’t enough. Everything after that happened within the span of a week. The spiral downhill starts out wide and slow, but in the end the circles get smaller and faster and out of control. That’s about what happened to me. I got into a huge fight with Jameson. He said he wouldn’t stand by and watch the only family he had left destroy herself and if I didn’t clean myself up he was leaving me behind. At that point I didn’t fucking care. I was in a bottomless pit of despair and his rage toward me pushed me lower. Later that week I got so drunk I got alcohol poisoning. I almost choked on my own vomit if not for someone there to turn me over. I don’t know who it was but they took me to the hospital. When I came to, I woke to Jameson crying at my bedside. When he saw I was awake he began sobbing and begging me to stop.”

  I gave a small humorless laugh remembering seeing my giant brother cry. “Jameson has never cried. At least not in front of me. I had never seen him cry when either of our parents died or when Asher died. So to see him sitting there sobbing, begging me to not kill myself was the reality check I needed. It was so simple and I think it was a combination of everything finally bottoming out, and him showing me how much he needed me there made me realize I was wasting away pointlessly. It made me realize how ashamed Asher would be of me.” I took a deep cleansing breath. “After that I got it together. I started focusing on the things I had left and made me feel happy. I loved science and I didn’t want to waste my degree and all my research. I loved Jameson and didn’t ever want to watch him fall apart again. I started seeing a therapist and going to AA meetings. I even started working out. I became the crazy girl who does CrossFit. Nothing is quite as therapeutic as throwing some heavy weights around.”

  I could feel Jack chuckle at my confession. “I stopped drinking for a while but realized that I no longer had a problem with alcohol so I carefully started drinking again a few years ago. Jameson of course still worries, but I never drink that much anymore. I have a lot more control over myself now.” I took another breath and finally turned to look at him. “So yeah, that’s my story.”

  I didn’t see any pity, thank goodness. I only saw sadness and understanding for everything I had been through. He pulled me closer, giving me a hug, making sure I was okay. More for him than for me. Either way, it made me feel good. Hugs were great, but Jack’s were exceptional. He pulled back and placed a hand on my cheek brushing the tear tracks from my face with his thumb. “You are an extraordinary woman. I don’t know how I got so lucky to find you, but I’m damn glad I did.”

  He leaned down, and kissed me softly on the lips.

  Pulling back he looked in my eyes before leaning in again and held the kiss a little longer.

  On the third press of his lips to mine I pushed my fingers in the thick wavy strands at the back of his skull and held him close. After my confession and emotional loss of control I needed something to remind me of how happy I was now. I needed Jack to make love to me again. So I slipped my tongue out to lick at his lips. With a moan deep in his throat he rolled on top of me.

  The first time we made love that night it expressed possession and staked a claim. This time showed tenderness and caring and so much affection I could feel my heart near bursting. I held it close in the aftermath as he held me close and we drifted away to sleep.

  Chapter Twelve

  I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You - Ingrid Michaelson

  Bzzzz ….. Bzzzz ….. Bzzzz.

  Jack rolled away from me to answer his phone. As he pulled away he took the warmth with him leaving a cold chill that fully woke me up.

  Groggily, he answered, “Ello?”

  I curled up tighter in a ball on my side and pulled the blankets with me trying to stay warm as I heard a voice on the other end of the phone.

  “Another one? Are you sure it’s the same guy?”

  I felt Jack tense and begin moving out of bed to find his clothes. I rolled over to see what was going on and saw his eyebrows furrowed. The conversation didn’t sound pleasant and I couldn’t help but be curious if it had to do with the case Jack was working with the police. Was it another murder? Just the thought of it sent chills down my spine. The thought of Jack being a part of such a gruesome case and placing himself in the sights of a possible serial killer made my stomach churn. What if something happened to him? What if I lost him?

  “Where at?” He paused, looking up at me while he pulled on his pants. “Okay. I’ll be there in a few.”

  My mind started turning toward the worst-case scenario and I knew I needed to stop that train. I couldn’t do this to myself or I would be alone forever.

  After he hung up he pulled his shirt on and gave me an apologetic look knowing he had to leave me so soon after our night together.

  “This is not how I wanted our morning to go.” He placed a knee on the bed and leaned in toward me. I sat there with the blankets clutched around my shoulders waiting for his kiss. “I wanted to wake you up with kisses.” He pecked my lips. “All over your body. Ending in between your thighs. I wanted you to wake up to an orgasm from my tongue.” My breath puffed out of me against his lips that brushed against mine as he spoke. “Then I would have mounted you and fucked you hard to make sure you were nice and awake. And while you would have laid there exhausted, once I was done with you, I would have made you breakfast and coffee.”

  He really needed to stop talking, otherwise I would keep him here and make him late. In the breathiest, sluttiest voice I could muster I leaned toward him and replied, “I can’t believe,” kiss, “that I’m missing out,” kiss, moan, “on,” kiss, “coffee made for me.” I rolled away with a wink, leaving him leaning over with a dropped jaw. “I mean, I’m sure the oral sex would have been okay. But coffee?” I closed my eyes and bit my lip for effect while I moaned. “Coffee is the only thing I need in the morning. Who needs a man when you can have a hug in a mug?”

  I opened my eyes just in time for Jack to tackle me to the bed as I let out a yelp in surprise. “You don’t need me, eh?” He began tickling my ribs. Laughs tore from my throat and I gasped for breath, trying to remain stubborn and true to my word.

  “No!” I squeezed out between laughs. “I don’t! All I need is ... coffee!”

  He tickled me harder.

  “Stop! Oh my gosh! Stop!” Tears began rolling down my cheeks from laughing. “Please!”

  “Not until you tell me you need me to eat your pussy more than coffee.”

  “Never!” I couldn’t breathe. Being tickled was the worst. “Coffee!” My short air supply reduced me to gasping words.

  “Say it! You need me! Say it!”

  After holding out for another ten seconds I relented. “Alright, alright!”

  “Alright, what?” He finally stopped the tickling and pinned my hands up by my head, looking in my eyes, waiting for an answer.

  I stared back, pausing for a moment to be amazed by his blue eyes and the happiness I saw there. Not just his happiness, but mine too.

  Barely whispering, I gave him what he demanded. “Alright. I need you.”

  A smile lit up his whole face, beginning in the creases around his eyes. His irises lightened to a brighter blue,
until finally his lips lifted and the lines in his cheeks appeared. He leaned down for a quick peck and said, “Good. I need you too.” And with that he rolled off of me and proceeded to collect his things. “Now stay relaxed in bed. I’m sure you’re sore after being with me last night.” He delivered that line with a cheesy ass grin and a wink.

  “Oh yes.” I fell back dramatically and threw my arm over my eyes. “I’ll be surprised if I’m able to walk today.”

  “Well, I hope it was worth it.” I pulled my arm back and gave an enthusiastic nod. Then his eyebrows lowered and the smile slipped to a serious line. “I really am sorry that I have to leave like this. I wouldn’t if it wasn’t an emergency. But I promise to give you a call later and we can make plans for this week. Okay?”

  I leaned up on my elbows and nodded my head. “Just be careful, okay? I just…” I looked down trying to formulate what I wanted to say. “I just want you to stay safe and I’m sure tracking a killer can put you in a line of danger. So … just be safe.”

  He sat down on the bed and pulled me up into his arms for a hug. “You have nothing to worry about; I’m safe. I’m technically not even on the case. No one knows.”

  “Okay.”

  “Alright. I’m out of here, but I will talk to you soon.” He gave me a lingering kiss before letting himself out.

  Chapter Thirteen

  No Light, No Light - Florence and the Machine

  Later that day I found myself sitting on my couch with Evie. The fire warmed us as we drank our wine and let the TV drone on in the background.

  “I haven’t seen you in for-ev-er,” she dragged out like the kid from The Sandlot. “I can only imagine it’s because of the new man in your life. You’ve been a tight-lipped bitch about him, too. Is it because you’re in love with him and are already planning to run away and have his babies?” She drained her wine glass with a theatrical eye roll, not at all impressed with that theory. “Or is it because he is hung like a micro-machine and you’re ashamed to admit it?”