All I Need 3

by Scarlett Metal

  The bottle of Jack was half gone and I was feeling pretty good when a text popped up on my screen. It was from Cane. I deleted it without reading it and took another shot. It was best to not contact him when I was drinking. Alcohol and men were nothing but trouble for me.

  Before I turned off the TV, I did send him one text. I was seeing double, so it took me forever to type it, but I managed to get it out without sobbing.

  Have to stay in Madison indefinitely. I think it’s best if we see other people. Please don’t call or text.

  I hit send and turned off my phone. I stumbled to bed to pass out before I could change my mind. I would go back to Madison tomorrow and leave LA behind for good. It had been fun, but it was time to grow up.

  Chapter Nine ~ Cane

  Three Years Later

  “Why don’t we take a break,” I said into the mic. “Come back in an hour.” I sighed and leaned back in my chair. We’d been in the studio since seven that morning and we were all fried. I ran my hand through my hair and stood up. I needed a burger and a smoke. A beer sounded good too, but I didn’t usually drink when I was in the studio.

  As I walked outside, I smiled to myself. Who would have thought three years ago I would have refrained from drinking ever. Life sure was different now.

  The night I got the text from Lindsey saying we should see other people was the start of a downward spiral in my life I would love to forget. I received it when I was still in Madison and I’d never felt such pain and sadness or such a sense of loft. On the other hand, I couldn’t blame her; our relationship was nothing but pain and she deserved better than that. She deserved better than me.

  I flew back to LA and went straight to Destiny’s place, ready to settle this once and for all. I was tired of her fucking up my life. Our discussion soon turned into an argument and I lost my cool. I never laid a hand on her, but I did pin her to the wall and yell at her. She called the cops and told an elaborate story about what happened and I was taken away in cuffs. The press had a field day with that. The headlines were brutal, claiming I beat the pregnant mother of my baby and worse. I could only imagine how Lindsey felt when she read those headlines.

  After some smooth talking by my manager, I got out of jail on bail and eventually Destiny admitted the baby wasn’t mine. I had my lawyer draw up an iron-clad agreement that she would stay out of my life and quit making such crazy accusations.

  The making of our album got delayed through the whole mess. The guys did their best to do what they could without me, but we worked best when it was the four of us together. Besides being late, the album pretty much tanked and with my recent drama, our record label dropped us.

  I couldn’t believe how far I, the mighty king of rock and roll, had fallen. I lost the girl and then I lost my career. I hit an all-time low.

  The band broke up and six months of my life during that time are a little bit hazy. I went on a bender and was pretty much drunk twenty-four seven. Women still flocked to me, but they were even more trashy then the groupies I fucked when Hookers and Hand Grenades was popular. I didn’t care though. If I was drunk enough and not alone, I didn’t think about Lindsey and how much it hurt to live without her.

  I was arrested one night for public intoxication and had to call Diesel. I had barely spoken to him since the band decided to part ways, even though he was my best friend. I avoided all of the band members actually. I felt guilty about my fuck ups causing the demise of the band. It was less painful if I avoided them all together.

  Diesel came to my rescue right away and bailed me out of jail. He took me back to his place and helped sober me up. We talked for hours and I told him how I felt about the band and him and most of all, Lindsey. He convinced me to go to rehab. I was there six months and came out with a clearer head and the tools to not go hopefully not go down a spiral again.

  When I was done, I had to figure out what to do with myself. I had enough money thanks to a good investor, but I knew sitting around would be nothing but trouble for me. I didn’t feel like trying to revive my musical career again and the other guys had moved on.

  Diesel had started a small record label and was opening a small recording studio to help unknown bands record albums. When he offered me in at fifty percent, I jumped at the chance. This was the perfect way to continue in music but stay out of the limelight. I had had enough of the press to last me a lifetime.

  I also stopped sleeping around. That was almost harder for me to do than to stop drinking. While in rehab, we talked a little bit about my addiction to sex. I wasn’t in the same situations as I was before, so it was easier to stay away from the ladies, but every once in a while I was recognized and propositioned.

  I hadn’t become celibate by any stretch of the imagination, but I tried to actually date women now as opposed to having random hook ups. Diesel had met someone two years ago and gotten married. She was a great woman, but she was always trying to set me up with her friends.

  A day didn’t go by where I didn’t think about Lindsey. Every girl I went out with I ended up comparing to her whether I meant to or not. They always fell short, but I had resigned myself to the fact that ship had sailed and the sooner I got over it, the better.

  I had no idea what she was doing now. Every month I read Rolling Stone but never saw her name in there. I had heard she left LA but I didn’t know if she was still in Madison or was somewhere else. She was probably married to a normal guy now.

  I came back in from having my cigarette to find Diesel and see if he wanted to go to lunch down the street quick. He was sitting in his office, looking at his phone and smiling like an idiot.

  “Quit sexting with your wife,” I teased and sat down across from him.

  “You’re just jealous,” he replied and put his phone down on his desk.

  I didn’t say anything because he was right, I was jealous. Diesel’s relationship with his wife Tracy reminded me of what I thought Lindsey and I could have together. I was happy for my best friend, but sometimes it was hard to be around them and have the constant reminder of what I lost.

  “Good session this morning,” I said, changing the subject. Talking about work was always safe.

  “It was. I think we should probably have this album done by next week. That’s almost a whole week ahead of schedule. How often does that happen?” He smiled and leaned back in his chair.

  “Right. Do you want to get a burger down the street or order in? I’m starving.”

  “How about we order in?” He suggested. “The usual?”

  “Sure,” I nodded.

  He picked up his phone and ordered us sandwiches from our favorite deli nearby that delivered. While he was talking, I couldn’t help but stare at the picture on his desk of his wedding day. He looked so happy. Would I ever find happiness like that again?

  Diesel hung up the phone and caught me looking at the picture. He leaned forward, putting his elbows on his desk. “Tracy actually had texted me about you earlier. She has a friend she wants you to take to the party tomorrow night.”

  I smiled and rolled my eyes. Not another one. “Tell her thanks, but I’m not going to the Rolling Stone party. You know I hate those things.”

  “Cane,” he said with a sigh. “You have to go. It’s good for business. I can’t schmooze alone. I’ve had some people asking if you were going to be there and I told them yes.”

  “I never said I was going.” I had become somewhat of a recluse in LA since I was back. Being in those social settings wasn’t always the best for my recovery. The fact that I hated the whole scene made me laugh because I used to be the center of the party. I guess I had grown up.

  “I need you there, man,” he said softly. “I suck at talking to people and you’re so good at it.”

  After everything Diesel had done for me, I couldn’t say no. “Ok, fine,” I said and held up my hands. “But no set ups. I’m going stag.”

  “Agree,” Diesel laughed. “I’ll tell Tracy.”

  “Thanks.” For my fr
iend, I would go for a little bit and shake the right hands and say hi to the right people. We used to be rock gods, but this business was cut throat and we got no handouts now that we were trying to get our own record label off the ground.

  The rest of the day flew by and I was on my way home when I popped my head into Diesel’s office. “I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow. Say hi to Tracy for me.”

  “Oh hey, Cane, wait,” he called out to me as I started to leave.

  “What’s up?” I asked, walking into his office. He was holding his phone again but this time he wasn’t smiling.

  “I got a text from Tracy.” He looked at the chair in front of his desk. “Maybe you should sit down.”

  “What’s wrong?” I asked with a dry mouth as I pulled out a chair and sat down. “Is Tracy ok?”

  “Nothing is wrong and Tracy’s fine,” he said. “I’m not sure how she found this out, but apparently Lindsey is going to be at the party tomorrow night.”

  “So?” I said, trying to sound like it didn’t matter. “I haven’t seen her in three years. It’s no big deal.”

  Diesel shook his head. “I’m not sure who you’re trying to convince more – me or yourself.” He leaned forward and peered at me. “This is me you’re talking to. I know how you still feel about her. You can skip the party if you want.”

  “It’s fine,” I replied and ran my hand through my hair. “There will be a lot of people there. What’s the chance that we will even run into each other really?” I wasn’t going to be a chicken shit and not go to the party now because of her. I couldn’t let her have that power over me.

  “Are you sure?” He asked, concern written all over his face. “You don’t have to pretend with me.”

  “Why is she even going to be there? I haven’t heard her name in the music business in years and I know she doesn’t write for Rolling Stone anymore.” I stopped talking, waiting for him to ask me how I knew that.

  “She wrote a book about the music business and Rolling Stone helped her get it published,” he said quickly.

  “Holy shit,” I muttered. I could only imagine what she had to say about me.

  “I know,” he replied. “Tracy is reaching out to her contacts to get a copy.” Tracy worked in PR in LA and she knew everyone in town. If anyone could get her hands on that book, it was her.

  “I’m sure she has some great things to say in there about the roller coaster I took her on,” I said with a wry smile. Whatever she said, I deserved it.

  “My guess it can’t be too bad or Rolling Stone wouldn’t support it, but who knows.” He picked up a pen and started playing with it. “Are you sure you still want to go?”

  “Yeah,” I said and stood up. “It will be fine.” I gave him a half-hearted smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Good night,” he said as I walked out of his office.

  I walked out to the car in the dark LA night, thinking about the times Lindsey and I laid into bed and talked. She would joke about a house in the suburbs and a couple of kids but there were times like tonight I wished I had that to go home to instead of my lonely apartment.

  I couldn’t tell Diesel, but I was actually excited at the chance to run into her tomorrow night. Maybe I could even steal a few minutes to talk to her. She had to know by now that Destiny didn’t have my baby. I wanted to show her how much I had changed. I even had a small glimmer of hope that she missed me like I did her and would want me back.

  I was getting ahead of myself. There was also the chance she would bring a date. I couldn’t think about that. The very thought of another man touching her made my blood boil. It would be crazy to think that a great girl like her wouldn’t be with someone new by now.

  I would worry about that later. For now I was going to think about seeing her. That was all that mattered.

  I didn’t sleep much that night, channel surfing and thinking about Lindsey. A few times I was tempted to have a drink, but that would have meant leaving the house. I didn’t keep any alcohol in my apartment anymore. I even thought about going to a bar to see if I could pick up a woman, but that didn’t seem right either.

  I fell asleep on the couch somewhere around two AM and was woken up around seven by a phone call from Diesel. He was my daily wake-up call when we were in the studio; he knew I had trouble getting my ass out of bed. I showered and made it to there by eight.

  The day was busy as usual and we didn’t even break for lunch since we had to quit early that day for the party. I tried not to think about Lindsey and focus on the music, but it was hard. I was distracted all day.

  “Are you ok?” Diesel asked during one of our breaks.

  “Yeah,” I nodded. “I have to admit I’m nervous to see Lindsey tonight.”

  “I bet. It’s what, three years?”

  “Three years,” I repeated slowly. “Three long years.”

  “Don’t do anything stupid tonight,” he warned.

  “I won’t,” I assured him. “If I still drank, I couldn’t guarantee that, but I think it’ll be fine.”

  “Good,” he said. “But if you think it might get out of hand, promise me you’ll find me or you’ll leave.”

  “I promise,” I said as the band came back into the studio. Diesel’s concerns were ridiculous but I couldn’t blame him. In the past, I didn’t do anything small and had been known to create some drama now and again. Not tonight. Tonight I only wanted to see her and talk to her for a few minutes. It was no big deal.

  If it was no big deal, then why was I so nervous?

  Chapter Ten ~ Lindsey

  “Are you sure you want to come along?” I asked Zach, my boyfriend of eight months. He was in LA with me for a Rolling Stone party but judging by the khaki’s and button down shirt he had on, he had no idea what he was in for. He obviously had never been to a rock and roll party before. His blonde hair was damp from his shower and his blue eyes twinkled in the light of the hotel room.

  Zach was definitely good looking but in a way totally different than any other guy I dated. The men of my past were covered in tattoos and had more piercings than I did but not Zach. He was as clean cut and Midwest as they came. There was no denying that under that preppy boy image, he was built like a football player. With his 6’4” frame, he towered over me and it was a favorite pastime of mine to trace the muscles of his six-pack with my tongue.

  “Of course,” he said and adjusted his glasses with a smile. “Why wouldn’t I want to help my girlfriend celebrate her book?” He took his hands out of his pockets and sat down on the bed next to me. “This is what couples do, Lindsey. I’m going to support everything you do.” He leaned over and kissed my cheek.

  “Right,” I nodded. “I better finish getting ready.” I squeezed his hand and went into the bathroom of our hotel room to put on my make-up. Zach thought I was nervous about the party because I hadn’t been in LA for a while and I was anxious about my book. He was only half right.

  Rebecca told me she heard Cane might be there. I hadn’t seen him in three years. I left LA after running into Destiny and telling him to never contact me again. I hadn’t been back. I was a little bit disappointed he didn’t try to fight for me, but I was also relieved to have a drama free life again. Little did I know that agreeing to go on tour for Rolling Stone that summer would lead me on such an emotional roller coaster.

  When I returned to Madison, I threw myself into taking care of Dad and finding freelance work I could do from there. I also pitched my book to my editor at Rolling Stone and he loved the idea. I got rid of my apartment in LA and any trace of my life there. Living with my Dad cut back on my expenses and I was able to focus on the book, picking up freelance work here and there.

  I became a bit of a hermit for a while, not leaving the house unless I had to grocery shop or take Dad to an appointment. He started coming out of his shell, dealing with his grief. When he would talk to me about how much he missed Mom, it broke my heart. After Cane, I had given up hope of ever having that kind of love wi
th anyone. In fact, I had zero interest in men and dating.

  Until Zach.

  I talked to my brother David almost every single day about how Dad was doing. He would ask about me occasionally, knowing it was a big adjustment for me to be back in Madison after living in LA. One day, he had a favor to ask of me. A good friend of his from New York and a fellow surgeon was coming to work at the University hospital. He didn’t know anyone in town and wanted me to take him under my wing. After some arguing, I agreed to meet him for dinner one night and show him around Madison. I had needed to get out of the house and talk to someone besides Dad or his doctors or the cashier at grocery store.

  I had zero expectations when I met him. In fact, I thought I would have dinner with Zach one night and be done. I was pleasantly surprised when I ended up having a great time with him. He made me smile and laugh the whole night – something I hadn’t really done in a long time. It didn’t hurt that he was very sexy. He asked me to go out to dinner again a couple of days later and we’d been seeing each other ever since.

  I wanted to take things slow but it was our fourth date and I had a little bit too much wine when we went out for dinner at a little Italian place. I attacked him when he took me back to his place and we slept together. The sex was good – very good, but he was so different than Cane. I knew I shouldn’t compare, but it was hard not to. Zach was passionate and always taking care of my needs and my pleasure before his own. Cane and I had a sense of urgency most of the time, like it was our last time together.

  I didn’t tell Zach much about Cane and I. My brother swore he didn’t tell him anything either other than that we dated. I kind of glossed over my whole life in LA to Zach. He didn’t need to know about my old weakness for musicians. The less he knew about that time in my life, the better.