Rota Fortunae

by Isu Yin

  Fate recalled how charmed she felt by Fortis and laughed to herself. “That’s true. So by what you’ve said, you lost hope again?”

  “A lot of people think the miasma only hurts others, but I guess I have a warped perspective. Sometimes the odds look so bleak, I can’t bear it. The second time I reached that point, I had the urge to send you a letter.”

  “Forgive me if I’m wrong, but are you suggesting it was like a final plea, or a goodbye letter?” The letter and the story had reached her, but not for the reasons she had suspected. His pain had been tucked somewhere inside the message and the book.

  “I guess it was something like that. I wanted it to be ambiguous, so you wouldn’t suspect anything and tell Abyssus. There’s no point in pity. I don’t want to kill anyone else, but I don’t necessarily want to die either. I just don’t know what else to do sometimes. When I’m reminded, I start to feel hopeless.”

  “Then I’m relieved that we became friends. I can’t stop any of this and I can’t save you from this affliction, but I won’t pity you and I will be an honest friend. When things get hard, I’ll stand by you and try to help you through it, so—for the both of us—I hope you’ll try your best to fight it.” She finally understood the ‘U’ smile when she saw it again.

  His eyes shone in the light, brimming with the tears he had buried. “Thanks. I’m going to sleep now.”

  “Okay, sleep well.” Fate’s heart ached tremendously. She wanted to reach out and say something to comfort him.

  Her sisters displayed a variety of reactions to pain—some of them hid it deep down inside, and others bawled every night in an attempt to fight their inner demons. Whenever someone put up a wall, she provided them an opportunity to open up, because cracking open their protective shell could hurt them.

  She exhaled slowly and swallowed the knot in her throat.

  What should I do? Everything hurts.

  The darkness lured her with its cold embrace, and the pain settled deep inside her like fire burning low against wood. Her thoughts wound around her head and she fell through the bed, or, more accurately, felt that she did. She took joy in the fall instead of experiencing the old jolt of waking in a new place.

  A wave of relief swept over Fate as she descended into her vision. When she opened her eyes, she immediately got to her feet and familiarized herself with the iridescent path hanging over the endless darkness, where she had first met Leoht.

  Finally, I’m back.

  “Leoht!” She’d waited so long to hear the answer to her question. Her lungs rattled with anxiety and anticipation. “Leoht, where are you?”

  A pair of arms wrapped around her from behind. “Mistress!”

  A short scream left her throat, and she writhed away.

  A tall boy staggered back, partially swinging his way back into a standing position.

  “Who are you?” Her body trembled as her gaze pored over the stranger. Try as she might to control it, her entire spirit quaked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re not Leoht. Who are you?”

  He put out his hands to each side and balanced on one foot. “How can you tell?”

  “Is there a way to mistake the two of you?”

  The new boy had the same black mask but he was much taller.

  “Your appearance isn’t the same, not at all. Who are you, and why are you pretending to be Leoht? Where is he?”

  “Hmmm....” He pressed a finger against the chin of the mask. “You say that, but isn’t that your assumption? Besides, I called you Mistress first.”

  “I don’t care. Who are you? What’s going on?”

  “Hmmm....” He mimicked his previous reaction and tilted his head so far that his body tilted with him. “Solaris.”

  The name sounded false. “Solaris?”

  “Well, it’s not wrong. Mistress, I waited for so long. Did you forget about me?”

  She turned her face to observe him more carefully. “Can you explain any of this to me? Is any of this real, and if it is, why am I here? I thought I could ask Leoht, but since you’re here—”

  “Don’t treat me like a replacement!” he screamed. “I was here first!”

  She stepped back quickly. “Okay, wait. I’ll listen to you. I have no idea what’s going on, so can you please explain it to me?”

  Unlike Leoht, Solaris appeared convinced that Fate was Fati. The miasma collected around his body and swirled away from him in odd patterns.

  What’s wrong with the miasma?

  Solaris hugged himself with one arm. “You left for so long. I was lonely. When you’re not here, it’s quiet—so quiet. No one comes to see me.”

  She struggled to control her breathing. The air was so choking and contaminated that a dark haze fell over the path of light.

  He’s not like Leoht. He’s dangerous.

  Her eyes traveled to the edge of the trail, where the darkness expanded deep down below. She thought she might be able to escape if she jumped; otherwise, Solaris was blocking the path to the place with the decorative screens and scrolls, and she’d never make it past him.

  First, she wanted to try reasoning with him. “I’m sorry. Right now, I’m having a hard time remembering, but if you tell me, I might be able to help you. Can you tell me why you and Leoht were blinded?”

  “Don’t talk to me about Leoht.”

  “Okay, then. What about you?”

  Solaris paused for a long time. “Red,” he said, tilting his head back as though looking at something up above. “I like the color red.”

  What’s he talking about?

  “It reminds me of you,” he said. “You left. I was lonely.”

  “I left....” She repeated his words carefully to draw out more explanation, but he just exploded.

  “Everyone leaves me! Why does everyone leave me? I didn’t want to be born this way.” He pressed his hands over the mask and shook his head.

  “Solaris, tell me about the color red.”

  In a flash, he returned to normal. “Ah, right, I almost forgot.”

  Is this what it really means to be tainted? I don’t feel safe here but if I can learn something... maybe I can make a difference. Can I somehow prevent this from happening again?

  “They were cruel, Mistress. When you left, they put me away.”

  “Who’s they?”

  “The Council, of course. They say red is the color of my sin.”

  “What is your sin?”

  “I call it justice, but they disagree.”

  “Justice?” As the conversation drew on, the miasma spiraled slower. Fate relaxed her body and took a deep breath so Solaris wouldn’t sense the tension.

  “Hmmm, yes. Blood for blood.”

  “Are you talking about murder?”

  “I’m talking about justice. Weren’t you listening?” The miasma spiraled quickly again, its particles multiplying and thickening the haze. His voice was steady, but his soul must’ve been disrupted. “Mistress, you left me. You broke our promise. What was I supposed to do?”

  “I’m trying to fix everything. I don’t know how yet, but I’m trying. Please, let’s talk more. If I don’t understand, I can’t help you.”

  “You can’t fix me. No one can.”

  She couldn’t tell him that she knew. She had asked out of her desire to save Hero and others like them. Then again, it was impossible to save anyone—she only wanted to protect the Tainted and change the future of the Empire. No one could fix any illness. She wanted to support the Rebellion with her beliefs, follow her brother’s wishes, and help her friend escape a fate he didn’t deserve.

  “I’ve been looking for answers for a long time,” she said. “I’m not trying to fix you, but I do want to change the fate of the Tainted. Can you tell me what makes a soul tainted?”

  “Hmmm...” Solaris leaned far to the side. “Fractures. We’re broken, you see, pushed to the edge and shattered like glass.”

  “How?”

  “Misfortune and
pain. When all your beliefs are shattered, what is left of you but a shell?”

  “I have another question.” She swallowed hard. “You called yourself Solaris. I have a friend, and I always thought that maybe he was like Solaris. How might I tell the difference between you and Leoht?”

  Solaris pointed upward. “Time is on my side. Everyone confuses us, but we aren’t the same. Leoht is nothing—he is chaos. I am everything—nothing can stop me.”

  A riddle?

  “What about me?” she asked.

  “Why, you’re fate, of course. Where there is fate, there is time and chaos. Fate is the beginning and end, the turning wheel that decides all that is. With time, fate may decide where to unleash chaos.”

  “So, it’s safe to assume that where there is chaos and fate, there is time, correct?”

  “Time is but a ghost, Mistress. Wherever you may look, it shall be. If you search, you shall find. You need only call upon it.”

  “How?”

  “Wake up.”

  The ceiling of Fate’s bedroom spun overhead, and daylight shone across Kyou’s face as he hung over her shouting inaudibly. She pressed her hands against her ears, trying to pop them. “What?”

  “Wake up!”

  “Oh, Fate!” Fortuna rested her head against Fate’s torso, weeping. “I thought I’d lost you.”

  Fate frowned. “What are you talking about? I was sleeping. Where’s Hero?”

  “Slow down,” Kyou said. “Did you have any strange dreams? You know, like your visions from before?”

  “How did you kn— What’s going on?” She sat up, enduring the weight of Fortuna’s limp embrace.

  “I don’t really have time to explain,” Kyou said. “You turned into a corpse. Your skin was ice cold. Well, you know what a corpse is like, don’t you? I don’t think you’re just having visions. I think that somehow, spiritually, you’re leaving your body.”

  “You sound insane.”

  “You need to get up.” He pulled her up by the arm and climbed out the window. “All hell has broken loose at the palace. My mother is going to be arriving soon, but none of this will matter if we can’t stop Hero. He won’t listen to anyone.”

  Fate thought of Solaris and panic struck. “What’s going on? What happened? Where is he?”

  “We’ve received word that Niteo has been in recent contact with the Council. I don’t know when it happened, but he told them about Abyssus’ death and forewarned them of your involvement with Hero. Representatives are headed to the palace. I came to take Hero before they arrive, but by then there was already a scene at the palace.”

  “What scene?”

  Fortuna wiped her face with her long sleeves. “He went to the palace to speak with Fortis, and Niteo started a fight. Fate, we must hurry before Hero does something he regrets. If he kills Niteo, they’ll....”

  Fate’s thoughts reeled for answers. “The Council. Like Solaris. I can’t.”

  Kyou rested his hand on her shoulder. “What? Are you all right?”

  “They’ll break him.”

  She ran as quickly as she could towards the palace. Her body dragged just trying to muster the strength, but she refused to abandon Hero. The memory of Solaris nagged her conscience.

  Her lungs and legs strained by the time she reached the palace’s open gates. She slid into the front hall, and the guards shot out from all sides to pull her back.

  The guard from the front gate shouted at her. “Lady, don’t move!”

  Her line of sight trailed around the room to grasp the layout of the scene. The entire hall had been filled by masses of ice that pointed outward towards guards and, some, at the King straight across the room.

  Fortis had been surrounded by peaks of ice and raised his hands in resignation. On the opposite side stood a woman wearing light armor over a beaded gown, and her unusual choice of attire triggered Fate’s memory. The same woman had stood underneath the balcony on the day Hero contemplated his jump.

  He turned his head to note Fate’s entrance. “Fate?”

  “Hero, stop this. Let’s talk.”

  “I can’t. They’re coming for me.”

  She gathered that he meant the Council and dispelled the thought of Solaris from her mind. “Let go of me,” she told the guards. “I can handle this.”

  They exchanged worried glances with Fortis and the armored woman, then released Fate.

  She stepped forward until her foot touched the frost. “Hero, you have to stop this. If they catch you like this, they’ll kill you.”

  “It doesn’t matter. I’d rather die than end up in the Council’s hands. I don’t want to end up another broken pawn in their game—I’m tired of playing. But first, I’d love nothing more than to free this kingdom from their corrupt Rahma rulers.” He lifted out his hand and the frost shot out towards Niteo’s throat.

  “No, no!” Fate put out her hands and breathed in and out slowly to calm herself. If she panicked, she’d only make the situation worse. “We can get through this together. I know it. It’s not just me, either. Look at Fortis. Do you think he wants to see you like this? Abyssus died believing in us. We can’t just bow down at the Council’s feet. I still don’t know anything. I want you to teach me.”

  “Ask someone else. I’ve learned and so can you. I’m not the only person who can teach you. You’re smart.” He displayed his ‘U’ smile. “You have a good heart. I’m not sad. I just... don’t want to waste everyone’s good will. If I end up in the Council’s hands, they’ll use me against you and the others.”

  The frost expanded out from the walls towards the people scattered around the main hall. Fortis and the armored woman moved in farther, avoiding the ice crystals.

  Fate’s emotions billowed up inside, and the shadows stirred at her feet. “Run, damn it! Why won’t you fight it? How can you just lie down and die? I can’t stand it!”

  “I’m not asking for pity, you know that,” Hero said. “I don’t want any more regrets. You want me to run? How many people have to die before everyone accepts that I don’t belong here? When there’s a plague, it must be eradicated. Let it die out, Fate. Just leave it be.”

  The vision of Solaris repeated in her head over and over. He had been so upset with the Spinner for abandoning him—so upset he was blinded by sadness. Fate knew nothing of their story, but she still had the power to change the present tale.

  “If you die,” she pleaded, “another will take your place. There are more people who are Tainted, just like you, and I want to understand how to help them. We can learn together and put a stop to this cycle. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to build awareness and cease this meaningless slaughter?”

  “We’ve discussed this. The world is full of selfish people—” He dropped his hands to his side. “—and I’m one of them. I don’t want to see you die.”

  It seemed ironic that months before, she had wished Hero was dead. Now, she pleaded with him to survive and live beside her. This told her that she knew nothing about the world. Her heart and mind were at war.

  She calmed her voice. “I feel the same. I know you’re in pain, and yet, I don’t want you to die. You don’t see anyone calling me selfish. Why is this world so one-sided? Why does anyone concern themselves with why or how another person suffers? I made a decision to stand by you. Won’t you stand beside me? Please.”

  I think there is something very unusual and twisted about the world. Tell me, why do you place labels upon other’s suffering? Why do you place limitations upon children and tell them how to feel? What makes the pain and struggle of men and women any different? Must a girl be strong enough to defeat an army on her own? Must a boy be taciturn and lifeless? These are but flaws in our perspective and expectations, those which we do not uphold in our own lives.

  For all those who limited us:

  Where do we draw these imaginary lines in logic and morality?

  Tell me, were we the people you wanted us to be? Are you the person you thought you could be?


  From here on, who do you expect us to be? Let me show you my vision.

  But, I warn you, it isn’t always pretty.

  The frost crackled around the hall while everyone waited for the rest of the conversation to pan out or the representatives to arrive.

  Fate questioned herself and her previous thoughts about whether or not Hero, or any of the Tainted, deserved to die simply for existing. The world swarmed with chaos and pain. Were the Tainted there to maintain it, or were they really as Solaris had said—fractured, lost souls?

  She waited for Hero’s decision as she watched him wrangle with her words. She knew the expression by now—his eyes glistened, and his lip trembled, but he stood still and quiet. She wanted to be as honest as possible and not repeat the mistake she made with Abyssus.

  “I’m really too young to think I know anything about the world or about love, but if I had to guess, I’d describe my feelings for you as love.” She scanned Fortis from head to toe, then did the same with the armored woman. “Everyone in this room considers us children. They pity us, Hero. Don’t you hate that?”

  Hero’s eyes fixed onto her, unblinking. They were full of tears, but for a long time, he held them in.

  She shook her head at him. “Why are you trying to do this alone? Why is it wrong for you to grieve? Don’t listen to anyone. Once you let it out, you can really start to move forward. I was like you for a long time. I thought that being strong meant burying everything I felt and stowing it away behind a smile. Everyone will tell you that it’s selfish to grieve, that you need to tend to the suffering of everyone around you, but they’re wrong.”

  She released her anger with a sigh and smiled. “I’m your closest friend, right? I’m here to listen. We can share our pain with each other. When I’m down, you always help me back up. Now it’s my turn. If you want, I’ll be here for you. If not, I’ll go and let you decide your own fate.”

  She hadn’t been able to forget Solaris’s pain or how abandoned he felt. If her visions bore any correlation to her present life, she thought it might be the differences between the fates of Solaris and Leoht.