A Mother's Secret

by Minna Howard

  He’d been her lifeline, the friend who had supported her through the most terrifying time in her life.

  He’d been very quiet since the drama of the delivery room, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. He was obviously exhausted after the trauma, as was she. His sister, whom he often supported when her children were born, had banned him from the delivery room and produced her large, healthy babies with apparently little effort and certainly no drama. She still felt the fear of that silence those endless moments when there was no sound from her child.

  If only Mum was here. Saskia found herself talking silently to her as she lay in bed, her stomach in pain after the surgery. Later in the day when she’d been taken in a wheelchair to see the baby in the special unit, she could not believe that this tiny scrap of humanity belonged to her. She wished Ivor had been there with her but though he had been wonderful, and she’d never forget his kindness, the baby was not his and being there with her through the traumatic birth was more than the line of duty for a friend. She should let Darren know. She wondered what the time was with him. He should have been the one who had seen her through this. She felt a sudden surge of anger at his absence.

  ‘Have you got a name for her yet?’ The cheerful Irish nurse interrupted her thoughts.

  ‘No, it’s all been such a shock. I should have done more for her, looked after her better, but I sort of put my pregnancy out of my mind, didn’t have enough check-ups.’ Guilt squeezed at her. Poor baby. It was all her fault for not taking more care of her while she was growing inside her.

  ‘I’m sure you did all you could. There are lots of reasons why labour starts early and she’s strong, has a good chance,’ the nurse said to comfort her.

  Saskia didn’t dare ask whether, if the baby did survive, her health would be impacted, but the nurse guessed her fears. ‘There’s every chance she’ll live a long and healthy life,’ she said. ‘I know it is very scary seeing them so small, but she’s doing well.’

  Saskia’s milk had not yet come through, adding to her guilt, as if she had somehow willed her body not to nurture the baby. She had not really thought of the mechanics of motherhood, not gone to the classes offered by the hospital, nor found time to buy baby things. There was so much to do at work in the bar at this time of the year, and she and Annabel had many more new clients, which was great, but it had increased their workload. She had not mixed with other pregnant mums or gleaned advice from them. Her mother was not here to guide her through it and nor had Verity offered her much advice, but then she hadn’t asked her, so why should she have? Besides, she had moved out of her father’s house into a place full of elderly inmates who, if they had had children, it would have been sometime in the distant past.

  It was a relief to see Verity coming into the ward where she had now been moved, looking round for her among the six occupied beds. Having not heard from her for some hours after she’d sent her that text, Saskia had been worried that Verity was reluctant to get involved in any more dramas with her.

  ‘Saskia, you look wonderful,’ she greeted her. ‘I haven’t bought you anything as I’ve come straight from work, but I thought I’d ask you what you’d like or need, so I can go and get it for you. Flowers are rather frowned upon in hospitals today, which I think is sad, but I could get you some fruit, books or magazines, if you’d like.’

  While she was talking, she took off her coat and scarf, and sat down beside her. ‘How are things?’ she asked quietly, putting her hand over Saskia’s.

  ‘Okay, I suppose. I still can’t believe it. I just wish…’ Saskia felt sudden tears. ‘I wish Mum was here.’

  ‘Of course, you do, it’s very hard for you, especially as the birth is early and such a shock,’ Verity said with sympathy. ‘If there is anything I can do to help, please ask. We’re happy if you both come home with us when you leave here, the boys are longing to spend more time with you. We can help you out until you’re on your feet.’

  ‘Thanks. I don’t know what to do, or how long I will stay here, or how long the baby needs to. They seem pleased with her, but I don’t know what it all means yet. I hope she’s okay, just early.’

  It was a relief to be able to talk to Verity, someone who’d had children herself. It was a comfort to be able to sound out her fears that this tiny child might not grow up normally after her early start. She hadn’t had the time or energy to talk about it with Ivor, and anyway it was not his child. He was only a kind man caring for a friend during a difficult time.

  She thought of him taking Bethan, his ex-girlfriend, up to his flat the other night. Perhaps they’d realised that they did belong together after all. She might even move in with him. She felt a pang of jealousy and scolded herself for minding.

  She’d forced herself to ring Darren an hour or so ago, to tell him more about their baby. She’d caught him just as he was going into an important meeting. He’d sounded impatient, said he couldn’t talk just now and would ring her later.

  ‘You must listen for a moment,’ she demanded. ‘Our daughter has been born. She’s early and very small and I hope—’ She’d burst into tears and it took her a few moments to pull herself together while he, sounding shocked and agitated, asked if she’d make it.

  ‘I hope so. The doctors are fairly confident, though can you come over and see her?’ She’d begged, wishing some magic carpet would bring him to her in seconds.

  ‘I can’t, not yet, I’m so sorry… It’s a shock, I can’t get my head round it.’ He sounded panicky, then she heard someone calling him, and him say he’d be there at once.

  ‘Look, Sass, I really can’t talk now. I’ve got an important meeting to go to in my new job, and I can’t be late. Take care, I’ll ring you later, I promise.’ He’d rung off, sounding shell-shocked and she had not had the strength to ring him again.

  ‘I don’t know what to do. I haven’t even bought any clothes for her,’ Saskia said now to Verity, feeling a failure again. She lived close to a street of shops; she passed Peter Jones most days and they had a whole baby department and it would have been so easy to go in and get what she needed.

  ‘Well, she caught you unawares,’ Verity said. ‘I’ll get her a few things if you like and dig out the Moses basket. I’ll make sure you have everything when she comes out.’

  ‘Thank you, just a few things. Mum would have known what I need and I’m sure you will too, having children.’ If only her mother was sitting here beside her, offering courage and love. But Verity was now her stepmother and she was being kind and she must not forget that.

  ‘How is she doing? Have you chosen her a name?’ Verity asked.

  ‘She’s so tiny but they say she’s doing well; I just hope she is. I haven’t chosen a name yet.’ It had all been such a drama she had not thought of one or known before her birth if she was carrying a boy or a girl. Then, after seeing how small her daughter was after she was born, Saskia didn’t dare tempt fate by naming her. It would make her more real and if she didn’t make it, it would surely be worse to bear.

  Verity seemed about to remark on it when they saw Ivor appear in the ward. He looked round, searching the occupied beds, until he saw her and came over. He carried a Peter Jones bag. He greeted them both and rather awkwardly pushed the bag at her.

  ‘I’ve no idea what you’d like but, as you know, I used to go shopping for baby things with my sister. The staff at Peter Jones suggested this set of clothes. I chose white, but I can change them if you don’t like them.’ He hovered beside her.

  ‘Oh, thank you, I’m sure they will be perfect.’ She pulled the tiny garments out of the bag. ‘They’re so lovely. Verity and I were just talking about getting her some things, and you’ve done it for us. You must tell me what I owe you.’ She smiled at him. How kind he was. If only she loved him as she loved Darren.

  After a few more moments, Verity got up to leave saying she had lots of work to mark but she’d be back the next day and to email her if she needed anything.

  When she’d gone Ivo
r sat down beside her, asking how she felt. He looked grey with tiredness. She put her hand on his shoulder.

  ‘Did you have a good day? You must be exhausted. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for seeing me through this.’ She felt rather embarrassed now about having shared such an intimate ordeal with him. At least he hadn’t witnessed her go through a regular delivery.

  He smiled. ‘I couldn’t leave you to go through it alone. I haven’t seen my sister through a birth, but her babies are so huge when they arrive, especially compared to your little girl.’

  They sat in silence awhile. He seemed as if he might fall asleep and she thought about telling him to go home, but she did not. She was aware that the other women in the ward were looking at them and no doubt they imagined that Ivor was the father of her daughter. It was visiting time and they all had a man or other people with them, and everyone else had a baby in a cot beside them.

  The men caught each other’s eyes, perhaps sending distress signals to each other of how they would cope with this life-changing situation. Ivor shifted uncomfortably on his chair before rousing himself and asking her if she had any idea when she’d be coming out and where she’d go to.

  ‘You know I’m off skiing next week for ten days, so I won’t be in the house then.’ He reminded her.

  She did know and it terrified her being there alone having to deal with Mrs Tracy Morton and anyone else she’d persuaded to boycott her living in the house as a young person with a baby. Thankfully, she would be staying with Verity and Nathan over Christmas, though perhaps the baby would not be strong enough to leave the hospital for some time.

  ‘Will Darren be coming over to see his child? You have told him she’s arrived, haven’t you, Saskia?’ He sounded slightly bossy.

  ‘Yes, of course. He was about to go into a meeting, but he’s going to ring me.’ She did not tell him that she felt he should have rung her by now, though they did have a time difference. In truth she rather dreaded hearing his voice, wishing, now his daughter was born, that he’d chuck the new woman and his job and come back to them.

  Before Ivor could say any more, a nurse came over to them. She was new on the ward. She smiled at them both before simpering, ‘Would Daddy like to come and see his little girl? She’s doing so well, it won’t be long before you can take her home.’

  Ivor gave her a weary smile. ‘Thank you, but she is not mine, so perhaps I don’t have a right to see her. Her father is in the States and will be coming over soon.’

  The nurse backed off, apologizing. It felt as if the whole ward were alert to the scenario leaving Saskia feeling as though Ivor had disowned her and renounced their friendship and she had lost him.

  THIRTY-FIVE

  ‘That poor little baby still doesn’t have a name,’ Verity complained to Nathan when he returned from Singapore, relieved to be home at last. Having done the donkey work of the office drama case, it was now left for his superiors to deal with. He’d arrived home that morning and managed to stay up all day and was now longing to go to bed and sleep.

  ‘She was born early, which must have been a terrible shock for Saskia. Don’t you remember how we struggled over names when our two were born and we had the whole nine months to choose one,’ Nathan said mildly. With all the office dramas he’d had to deal with, this one was way down his list.

  ‘At least she’s gaining weight. She’s a dear little thing and should be home for Christmas, but where is home do you think? Should we have them here until Saskia is used to being a mother then let her go back to that house? Her friend Annabel, the one she does the clothes with, says she can bring her to work but I doubt the restaurant would want a baby disturbing everyone, and before we know it, she’ll be on her feet, running around.’ Verity had voiced these fears before to Jen and others but now that Nathan was home, she regurgitated them to him.

  ‘It’s up to her. Of course, we’ll help out, but she, as many other mothers, will have to make her own arrangements. Surely you don’t expect me to hire a Norland nanny to help her, do you?’ He sounded a little impatient and it grated on her. ‘We managed without nannies, though our mothers did their bit.’

  ‘No, of course not a nanny, but maybe there are creches and places you can leave a baby, though I suppose you have to pay,’ Verity said, hurt at his tone but excusing his off handedness with her as he was obviously suffering from jetlag.

  Before the baby was born Verity had told herself that she would not be babysitting and taking the child on. She had a job, and her own boys when they came home, so she couldn’t spare much time or energy for a baby. But once she had seen this tiny child with her beautiful blue eyes and delicate hands and feet, she knew she could not turn her back on her and would do all she could to help look after her.

  Saskia had been discharged herself though she spent much of the time in the hospital with her daughter. She took her dressmaking in, determined not to let the clients down and get their clothes finished for Christmas. She was due here tomorrow night for supper to see Nathan and she had agreed to come to them with the baby if she was discharged from the hospital in time for Christmas.

  Verity wondered how things were going with Ivor. She had not seen him at the hospital since that first night she had visited, nor had she asked Saskia about him, or indeed questioned her about Darren’s feelings now their daughter had arrived.

  She was very busy at the college. There were the exams to mark and an end-of-term Christmas party to help with, as well as preparing for their own family Christmas. It was a relief that Delia was not coming here this time, making remarks about her first great-grandchild, as she was going off to France with her latest lover.

  Verity stayed up late, making mince pies and Christmas biscuits for the end-of-term party the following day. The students had decorated the assembly hall with garlands and balloons and mad pictures, drawn by the art students, of the tutors wearing funny hats or outsize spectacles. There was a relaxed feeling among everyone, having finished the term with no more lessons for a month. The first-year students in her class were still young enough to expect her and their other tutors to be in a caring role, and some had learning issues which made them more vulnerable. As they got more mature this relationship usually changed into a more equal one.

  They had heard no news from Justin since the day he had confided in her about his father’s behaviour and left the college. Some of the girls in the class asked her if she knew what had happened to him.

  ‘All I know is he’s gone to stay with his brother somewhere in the country,’ she told them.

  ‘Yes, we know that. Is he still there?’ one of the girls asked.

  ‘Look, talk of the devil, he’s here,’ someone said, and they turned and saw Justin coming across the room to greet them. He had changed completely since he’d left. Gone was that cocky boy covering up his inadequacies in the classroom. He seemed to have changed into a mature, confident person and the girls crowded round like chattering birds asking how he was, and whether he was coming back.

  He obviously enjoyed their attention but, seeing Verity, he left the clamouring girls and came over to her. ‘Thank you for what you did for me that day,’ he said a little shyly.

  ‘Not at all. Glad I could help. What are you doing now? You look so healthy and well.’ A person comfortable in his own skin, she said to herself.

  ‘I ride out for my brother. I work in the yard with the others. I’m training up to be a jockey and hope to ride for his owners, someday,’ he said, beaming at her. ‘Beats exams any day.’

  ‘I’m so glad you’ve found your niche in life,’ she said, amazed at the change in him. You could not turn people into what they were not, she reminded herself, and she wished his father had known it and accepted that his son was suited to a different path to the one he’d chosen for him. She should follow this advice for her own family, she told herself. Accept this new daughter and granddaughter that had come into their lives and try to live in harmony with them.

  She didn
’t like to ask Justin about his father, though she still felt afraid that he might stalk her, hiding in the dark near her home, and punish her for taking away his son. But just before he left to go out with the others, Justin came back over to her, and said, ‘Mum and Dad have split up. He’s had another woman all this time in the US, and is going to be there most of the time.’

  ‘I should say I’m sorry but it’s probably for the best,’ she said, feeling relieved Mark had gone.

  ‘Yes, and Mum’s okay now,’ Justin said. ‘Her family are dealing with things.’

  The party was nearing its end and people began to thin out. Some of the girls called to Justin, to come with them and go to a party somewhere. He smiled at her and said goodbye.

  ‘I must follow racing now and hope to see you ride a winner, one day,’ she joked, ‘I’m sure you’ll make it in that profession.’

  ‘I’ll have more chance there than in the City.’ He grinned. ‘But thanks again.’ He bent over and kissed her cheek before turning and walking away.

  She was touched by the change in him. He was now surrounded by the students from his class and she could only hope that his mother too was happy somewhere in a new life.

  She got back home late. Nathan would not be there as he had an office party and their sons were off somewhere too. She need not produce supper, she told herself with relief. It would be Christmas in just over a week, and she must get on tomorrow to prepare for it.

  She turned into their street her mind full of all the things she had to do. She walked down to her house and someone moved in the shadows in front of her. She froze. It was a man, but she could not see his features in the dark. Had Mark Gilmore come, after all, to punish her for her part in helping his son get away from him?

  Her heart pounding, she braced herself to deal with him, poised to run back to better lit and busier streets and shops if he threatened her. He stepped out of the darkness and stood under the pale gleam of the streetlight. It wasn’t Mark.