A Mother's Secret

by Minna Howard

  THIRTY-SIX

  She really must name her daughter, Saskia urged herself, holding the tiny child to her breast. She was doing well, getting stronger every day. Her milk was beginning to come in now. Though she found it sore to feed the baby with her razor-sharp gums, she must persevere to give her a good start in life.

  She’d thought of calling her after her mother, but as a second name, as she wanted her to have something new of her own for her first name. Friends had many suggestions, and someone gave her a book of names which confused her further.

  ‘Have you asked Darren what he’d like to call her?’ Meg, who’d been a regular visitor, asked her.

  ‘He’s not that interested in her. I mean he’d be here if he cared. She’s doing well now, but we are not out of the woods yet.’

  ‘He’s got to face up to his responsibilities,’ Meg said. ‘Even if he does live so far away. Though not all men are good with babies, especially if they come as a surprise as she did. I’m sure he’ll take more interest when she’s older.’

  ‘I hope so.’ Saskia tried not to dwell on what she felt was Darren’s lack of interest; it was too painful. One of the nurses, whom she’d got close to, said she thought it was probably difficult for him to bond with a child he’d only seen a tiny picture of. She advised her just to concentrate on her daughter now and leave these other problems until she was stronger.

  Saskia admitted to herself that she’d hoped that once their child arrived, Darren would be overcome with love for her, want to be a hands-on father and come back and stay with them both, but it had not worked out like that. The few calls they’d exchanged had been difficult and stilted and she wondered if his new woman was listening in.

  ‘But he did come over especially to tell you that though he’d found someone else, he’d always support you both and he wanted a part in his child’s life.’ Meg, who had a soft spot for Darren, stuck up for him.

  ‘That was then, but when I rang him after she was born, he panicked, said he had some important meeting and disappeared.’

  ‘But he rang you back and sent some money to help with her,’ Meg reminded her. ‘It must feel rather unreal for him not being here, not seeing her, holding her. I mean he’d probably geared himself up for the birth after Christmas and suddenly she’s here, and it was touch and go if she’ll survive or…’ Meg hurriedly changed what she was going to say. ‘You know what I mean, love, not have any problems with her health.’

  ‘She’s doing well, just needs to put on some more weight.’ Saskia wished suddenly that Ivor were here. He was so calm and supportive, but he’d probably taken up with Bethan again. He’d told her that she was part of the group of them going skiing for Christmas. She felt a pang of jealousy. She remembered her from the past, a lovely, happy sort of person with no babies, as far as she knew, to come between them.

  ‘I know it was a shock and I might have caught Darren at a bad time, but he’s had plenty of time to contact me about her since then. I suppose he might have just said he’d be interested in our child to soften the blow of leaving me and make him look better. Anyway, now she’s actually here and premature, he’s not interested,’ Saskia said, ‘though he did send us some money.’ He had kept his word about supporting them. ‘Maybe his new girlfriend has kicked off about him having a child and forbidden him to get involved.’

  ‘Or maybe he’s terrified she’s not doing well and not able to face up to that.’ Meg stuck up for Darren again. ‘I mean he’s not here to see her, you don’t know what horror he has imagined.’

  ‘I know, but if she needs special care, that’s something we both will have to cope with. The doctors are pleased with her progress so far,’ Saskia said, having hardly dared asked any questions at all about her daughter’s progress being terrified they’d give her bad news.

  She still felt she was suffering from shock. It had all happened so fast and had only made the loss of her mother more acute. Her daughter’s birth was the most momentous thing she had ever experienced and it made her wonder if Helen had told Nathan that she had given birth to his child. After all she had told Scott she might be pregnant, the time before. Nathan, being young, about to start his career and having just met Verity could have conveniently forgotten or just walked away as Scott seemed to have done. What if she did have a sibling somewhere in the world? She’d put that thought on the back burner, being too occupied to try and find out. Once she and her mother had left Greece when she was three years old, they had made new and different friends and she didn’t know how she could find out if she had had other children before her.

  She was back in the house now, though without her daughter. Ivor had collected her and even asked her if she’d like to stay in his flat for a day or so until she felt stronger, but she’d refused. She was hardly going to be there but in the hospital with her child. Besides, she wanted to be alone to try and come to terms with what had happened.

  Mrs Tracy Morton had deliberately turned her back on her when she saw her on the landing about to go into her flat, but Trevor, seeing her in the street, had asked after her and the baby’s health.

  ‘Well, I hope she comes back soon, safe and well,’ he said. ‘Have you a name for her?’ This last remark she felt he’d just asked to be polite as he didn’t know what else to say. It was obvious, from some of the looks and remarks she’d received from a few of the other occupants, that, with Mrs Tracy Morton’s help, the news of the birth had gone around the house like wildfire.

  ‘She came so early, such a shock and I wondered if she’d make it, so I hadn’t really thought about it,’ she said now to Trevor.

  ‘Very difficult to decide, I’d have thought. Your name characterises you all your life, and what is sweet on a baby is ridiculous for an adult,’ Trevor said solemnly. ‘It needs careful thinking.’ He smiled and went on his way, making her feel better.

  She still felt guilty for giving birth before the full term. The stray remarks of friends, even some of the nurses, made her think that she was to blame. If she’d had more check-ups and attended childbirth classes would her baby still be unborn and safe inside her?

  The thing she found most difficult to deal with was Ivor’s reaction. He had shocked her that evening in the hospital, by making it clear in the ward that the baby was not his. When he’d seen the expression on her face at his remark, he’d said, ‘People might think she’s mine as I took you to the hospital and stayed with you, but she’s Darren’s and it’s only right that everyone, especially your child, knows it. I’m here to offer you support, can even babysit occasionally, having done it a few times for my sister and her brood, but I don’t want people, or the baby when she is older, to think I am her father. We must start as we mean to go on, make sure she knows the truth from day one.’

  He spoke sense and she knew it. She was very grateful for his support but still, the strength of his denial wounded her, and she scolded herself for feeling so. When she thought about it later, she understood. They were all living together in the house and people saw them together all the time. They might easily assume the child was his, so it was important to get it straight from the start.

  It was getting nearer to Christmas, and she was beginning to feel stronger, her body healing well. Verity and Nathan had both come to the hospital when the baby was out of danger to see her, Nathan joking that he didn’t think he was old enough to be a grandfather.

  ‘You certainly don’t look it! Neither of you look old enough to have a grandchild,’ she’d assured them.

  ‘I don’t know about that, but you know you and the baby, if she is strong enough, are welcome for Christmas,’ Nathan said.

  ‘It would be lovely to have you and hopefully the baby if she is home,’ Verity chipped in.

  Verity had been so kind since the birth. She seemed to have lost that standoffish feeling she’d had when it was confirmed that Nathan was Saskia’s father.

  Now she was on holiday from her work at the college she offered to sit with her at the hosp
ital, but Saskia preferred to be alone, sitting by her daughter’s cot and finishing off the clothes needed for their clients for Christmas.

  She was no longer working at the restaurant on King’s Road as, having had a C-section, it was too painful to stand all the time or scurry about bringing people food and drinks. It was a busy time of the year and her boss was not best pleased, though he had said that he might take her back in the New Year if she could park the baby somewhere.

  It was a relief that Darren had sent her some money for without her job in the bar she was finding it hard to make ends meet. She was making more from the clothes shop with their new customers, though she’d have to be careful.

  One afternoon, she was sitting by her daughter’s bed in the hospital. It was teatime and dark outside. She wanted to ring Annabel to ask her something about a coat she’d bought to work on when she realised that she’d left her mobile back at the house. She really was rather scatty since the birth, ‘baby brain’ her friends called it. Oh well, she didn’t need it. She had other garments to finish and she could ring Annabel when she got back.

  She was happy here, she realised. She didn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone but her child and the gentle medical staff. She felt she was in a special bubble and she was content to stay there, going back to sleep at the flat in the evening. Ivor was away with his job and then off skiing, so she hadn’t seen him for a while. Verity rang her from time to time and occasionally came to the hospital to see her and the baby, as did some of her women friends at the weekend.

  All was Christmassy now, lights and decorations festooning the wards and corridors. It felt safe and timeless.

  She had just finished sewing the hem on a luscious, red silk dress and was folding it carefully to put in her bag, with her back to the door, when she heard someone come into the room. Used to the medical staff coming in and out, she continued folding the dress saying, ’I’ll feed her once more before I go, and I’ll be back early tomorrow.’

  ‘Saskia.’ His voice was soft. ‘Saskia, it’s me.’

  She dropped the dress and spun round, the sudden movement dragging on her stitches, making her gasp. Darren stood there, watching her carefully. She blinked as if she had conjured him up in her subconscious.

  Their daughter made a tiny, mewing noise and despite himself, he turned, bending over the cot to look at her. Saskia said, ‘Why are you here? I thought you were not interested.’

  He gazed at the baby moment longer. ‘She’s so small. How can she be so small?’

  ‘She’s premature,’ she said. ‘What did you expect? A plump toddler, standing up and shaking the bars to be let out?’ She couldn’t believe it was him. Why had he come when he had shown so little interest in her birth?

  THIRTY-SEVEN

  Verity sat outside in the corridor a moment, in case she was needed, while Darren went into the small side room Saskia and the baby were in to see his child. She’d been astounded when he had appeared, looming out of the darkness by her house, though she was very relieved it was him and not Mark Gilmore planning to attack her for her part in getting his son away from him.

  Darren, seeing her fear, imagined at first that he had caused it. He kept apologising for scaring her, explaining that he didn’t know where else to go. Saskia was not answering her mobile and he was only in the country because his father had had a heart attack and he’d flown over to see him.

  ‘And of course, you thought you’d see your baby at the same time.’ Verity, who’d been told by Saskia how he didn’t seem interested, was stern as she unlocked the front door and ushered him in. ‘Did you tell Saskia you were coming?’

  He looked embarrassed, hanging his head and studying the floor as if he’d find an answer there. ‘No, I didn’t know I was coming until two days ago. It was such a shock when Mum rang to tell me Dad had been rushed into hospital, I couldn’t think of anything else. My parents have a house in Surrey, though they spend much of the year in Spain. Such a relief it happened here. Dad will be okay, it was more of a warning than a full-on attack, thank goodness, so I’m going back. I’ve got plans… but I thought I’d better see my daughter if she…’ He glanced beseechingly at her, his face tortured. ‘Is she… will she…?’

  ‘She’s fine, a dear little girl and doing well. We hope she’ll be out for Christmas and be able to come here with Saskia to spend it with us. With her family,’ she added, still finding it hard to think of Nathan in such a role and herself as a step-granny.

  Verity was determined, now that Darren was here, that he would go and see his daughter and make plans to help with her upbringing. Not leave her to be brought up alone as Saskia had been, with all the commotion of wondering about the identity of her father.

  ‘But is she okay?’ Darren eyed her nervously. If his child was less than perfect would he run away back to the US and out of her life?

  ‘As far as I know she’s fine, putting on weight and as “normal”—’ she emphasised the word ‘—as any of us are. You should go and see her. She is your child and you did tell Saskia, promise her even, that despite having another woman in your life and staying in the US you would be a good and supportive father to the child you made together, and this means whether she is healthy or not.’

  She knew she sounded bossy, but she meant it. It had been a jolt, Nathan suddenly having a daughter turning up in their happy, settled life, even though she’d been conceived before she had ever met him. She still felt a little left out when he seemed to be more affectionate towards Saskia than her. Though she also felt, perhaps because of her job with young people, that being a good, supportive parent was vitally important. After all no one asked to be born.

  Darren, still standing in the hallway, looked contrite, as if he’d been reprimanded. He said quietly, ‘I know, that’s what my mother said. She wants to see her, be a hands-on grandmother. Dad having that heart attack scared her, made her and all of us in the family feel that life is sacred, and she wants to be part of our baby’s life and get to know Saskia better. They’ve only met her once as they live a lot of their time in Spain. She even said she and baby could live with them here. They have a granny flat in their house here, though both grannies are far too independent to want to live there,’ he finished.

  ‘That’s good news, and she’s right. As you know, Saskia didn’t know who her own father was. She might never have known if her mother had not become terminally ill,’ Verity said, more gently now. She had wondered about Darren’s family and how they would respond to the news of this baby, though she had not mentioned it to Saskia, waiting until she and the baby were stronger.

  ‘So where is she, which hospital?’ Darren asked now.

  Verity stalled. Should she say Saskia no longer lived here, but had her own flat? She’d no idea if she and Ivor were an item. He had certainly been there at the birth. But Darren had someone else, so it was none of his business if Saskia and Ivor were together, though he might have some say if he didn’t want Ivor – who she was certain was a kind and decent man – to be a much more hands-on father than he’d be far away in the US.

  ‘I sent her a text this morning, but she didn’t answer,’ Darren said looking sheepish again. ‘I should have been more supportive when she was born, but it scared me, her coming so soon. I thought she wouldn’t make it, so I didn’t…’ He scraped back his hair. ‘Well, I didn’t know how to respond, but Mum will be furious if I didn’t see her and report back. She’d come up herself if Dad hadn’t just been ill.’

  ‘She’s right.’ Verity paused a moment before asking, ‘Did your parents know about the baby?’

  ‘They were in their holiday house in Spain most of the year and the baby wasn’t expected until after Christmas, so I wasn’t going to tell them until then,’ he said defiantly as if he had done nothing wrong.

  ‘But your parents know Saskia so would surely want to know how she is?’ Verity said.

  ‘They might not really remember her. I told you, they spend so much time in Spain, then I
went to the US and… We broke up and I’m now with someone else,’ he said defensively.

  ‘Saskia is the mother of their grandchild,’ Verity said tartly. ‘But perhaps it is best if I try and contact her if you haven’t got hold of her,’ she said. She took out her mobile and sent Saskia a message.

  Darren has suddenly appeared, his father’s been ill. He wants to see his child. Are you with her in the hospital?

  Darren got a bit edgy waiting for a reply, and Verity was afraid he’d run off into the dark so she tried to ring Saskia, but it went straight to voicemail. Not liking to leave a message of such a sensitive matter, she rung off, saying she’d take him to the hospital and see if she was there, and even if she wasn’t, he could hopefully see his daughter.

  Verity, now well known by the staff as ‘a granny’, was able to visit fairly often. A nurse confirmed that Saskia was here, mentioning that she’d left her mobile at home.

  Verity introduced Darren who explained that he was the baby’s father and had come over from the States to see his daughter. The nurse, knowing the story of their broken love affair from Saskia, was hesitant at first to let Darren see her, before she was called away urgently. She told Verity to ask Saskia if she wished to see him and if she did not, he must leave at once. They were short-staffed, or she’d make them wait until another nurse could accompany them.

  Darren hovered nervously beside her and Verity decided to send him straight into the room where his daughter was before he lost his nerve and left before he’d seen them.

  ‘Come with me,’ she said, herding him down the passage to the room. She opened the door, saw Saskia with her back to them, pushed him in and shut the door behind him.

  THIRTY-EIGHT

  Darren was staring at the baby as if he had never seen one before. Saskia watched him, still amazed he was here. She waited for the pain of losing him to strike her, but she felt nothing. All her emotions were locked up in her baby. He had abandoned them, and she would go it alone with her, just as her mother had with her. She’d felt very close to her these last few days as if she was there just out of reach, supporting her. She understood now the overwhelming love for her child, and how perhaps her mother had wanted to keep her for herself. It might have been different if she and Darren had stayed together.