FEAST OF MEN

by Ayn Dillard

  It gets very cold outside, I order a pizza and snuggle in bed for a while to warm up then write up the research, I’d gathered today. Then I prepare for tomorrow’s appointments. If I focus on this book project, it’ll keep my mind off Boyd. I’m going to do such an excellent job—so it will be a success.

  I feel at peace even though I don’t know anything other than I feel love for this man and it feels so good being loved. Looking into his eyes it’s as if I’m seeing into myself. Almost as if I can see my soul in his eyes. My whole body, mind and spirit feel as if they’re glowing. I’m lifted up in joy just being with Boyd. I recall when I was with David, I felt angry and closed in.

  Interesting how our energy field changes with different people and different situations. Why would I attract two such different types of men, one cold and the other warm and romantic?

  While falling asleep, I thank God for the magic feeling I have with Boyd and ask for an answer to our dilemma, while looking forward to Saturday.

  “When love beckons to you, follow him,

  Through his ways are hard and steep.

  And when his wings enfold you,

  yield to him,

  Though the sword hidden

  among his pinions may wound you.

  And when he speaks to you,

  believe in him.

  Though his voice may shatter your dreams

  as the north wind

  lays waste the garden.”

  —Kahil Gibran

  THE PHONE

  Awakened by the ringing phone, I answer to hear, “Hi! Darlin’!”

  “Hello, I just woke up. Where are you?”

  “Little Rock.”

  I ask, “Did you sleep well last night?”

  “Yes, pretty good but I missed you. I missed you so much!”

  I reply, “I miss you, too.”

  “Natalie darlin’, I’m going to have to cancel next Saturday. I’m sorry—so sorry.”

  “Cancel, why?” I am saddened and feel shocked.

  Boyd replies, “When I got home yesterday after leaving you, I walked in to find my little boy crying. He was holding his soccer trophy and was upset because I’d missed his game.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.”

  He continues, “My little boy was crying, ‘Daddy, you’re never home anymore.’ It broke my heart. All I could do was to get down on my knees and put my arms around him. I’ve been flying so much lately to make extra money that I’ve not been able to spend much time with my kids. My wife told me my son has another soccer game, a practice or something on Saturday morning, then Natasha has her tennis lesson that afternoon. After her lesson, I’m supposed to play tennis with her. I can’t do all of this with my kids and be in town then take you to dinner that night. It just wouldn’t work. Besides yesterday, when I walked in the door, my wife gave me such a look. A look, I’ve seen before from my first wife asking, where the hell have you been—you SOB? I can’t get her suspicions up. Natalie, I’ve got to get out of this marriage without a big mess. That is—a bigger mess than it’ll already be.”

  Dead silent, I listen. Boyd completes talking and I’m frozen in silence. My heart is breaking and reality is slamming down hard and fast—too fast to assimilate in this moment. I feel like a slime woman and I am not slime. So, it feels truly awful to feel this way. To hear what this man is saying about his children makes me feel guilty—real guilty. Like I’m the one who wants to take him away from his children, but now he’s choosing them over me because of the situation—which I understand. But he was the one who began all this—not me. So, why should I be feeling guilty? If this was on the up and up and he wasn’t married, I’d be going with him to some of his children’s functions and we wouldn’t be talking about things like we are. I want to be good for his children and not feel like I’m taking him away from them. My thoughts continue to spin, he was the one who came over to me on the airplane, I didn’t approach him. I wasn’t the one who began all this, but now I’m feeling terrible. He should’ve been at his son’s soccer game yesterday, instead of with me. I feel guilty, but he’s the one who made the choice. The amount of lying we’ve done thus far makes us both feel terrible. Then at the same time, I’m sad and even a bit angry that we’ll not be able to spend the day together. My silence is deafening even to me.

  He states with a shaken voice, “Natalie, talk to me. Aren’t you going to talk to me? Please, say something—anything.”

  “I am a bit taken aback, Boyd you invited and planned for Saturday. I understand about your children, but I was looking forward to spending the day together. I thought that I’d work real hard this week then on Saturday, we’d be able to be together.”

  “Me too darlin’—me too.”

  I inquire, “When will we be able to see each other?”

  “Not sure now. Maybe, I can get away for a little while on Saturday then we’ll have time to talk. I need to be really careful, right now, Natalie. I don’t want to arouse suspicions in my wife.” Hearing him say, ‘my wife’, makes me feel sick to my stomach. “Right now, I have so much on her that I’ve the upper hand in this divorce situation. I just can’t get myself or you in a bad place. I want you to be on my arm at Highland Park football games. I love you, Natalie. I don’t want anyone to ever say that I left my wife for you. I want you forever, darlin’. Remember, I was the one who approached you on the plane? You weren’t the one who approached me.”

  “Yes, I recall and know. Boyd. I recall everything about that day. It’s engraved in my mind forever.” As I think to myself—you got that right, buddy, I’d never approach a man like you approached me and never a married one. Geez, he must be able to read my thoughts because he’s continually saying what I’m thinking.

  He continues, “I know a whole lot of people in my area and when we’re together, I want you to feel comfortable and to be accepted. I never want my wife to say to my children that you’re the reason for the divorce then try to influence them not to like you. I just met you too soon, but I love you, darlin’. I love you so much, Natalie.”

  I feel sick inside and I say, “Well, I certainly don’t know what to do, but I need to get off the phone right now. I have an appointment in a couple of hours. I need to get dressed and prepare.”

  “Okay, I’ll call you later. I love you and have a nice day. Bye darlin’.”

  I lay in bed for a few more moments thinking and feeling sick to my stomach. This whole thing is beginning to feel more awful than good. I don’t like feeling this way. Hell, I don’t deserve awful. I deserve wonderful and a man who’s able to be with me. I don’t want or deserve second best at anything. While showering and dressing, all sorts of emotions wash through my mind as I think about my feelings, disappointment and the reality.

  Often when I dress, wash my hair or get ready for bed—I process things. Caring for my body, I feel connected to my emotions and these are the times, I allow my spirit to come through to assist in receiving clarity of intuition and many times, even direct answers.

  Only today my head’s going crazy, it’s so full of thoughts. I become suspicious of Boyd and wonder if he’s really filed for divorce. Is he playing a game trying to have his wife and me at the same time? No matter what he says, this might be the case—afraid to leave one before he has another. I’ve met men before who try to do this. I’ve only known him two days. So, I don’t really know him. Then I flip to the other side. No—no—that’s not him. There’d be no reason for this, because he knows I won’t have an affair with a married man. Besides, he didn’t arrange the events of our meeting. The plane was forced to divert. The whole thing was magic. And right off, he did ask to call in April after he’s out of his marriage.

  The bottom line here is for me to take care of myself. I’m free to be with him, but he’s not free to be with me. He’s a married man. So, why’d he follow me in the airport, talk to me on the plane and why is all of this happening? Most of all, why am I having such intense feelings for a man I just met? Do people really fal
l in love this quickly? It’s certainly how I want to feel, but is it for real? It feels as if it is and it feels as if I’ve known him for all my life or even forever.

  Surely, I’ve experienced enough in my life to know what love is and what it’s not. Oh well, I don’t have to make any decisions right this minute. I take a deep breath and decide to think about it all tomorrow, Scarlet! If this is real, it’ll work out. Besides, I’ve got work to do today.

  Even trying not to, I continually go over the way Boyd and I met on the airplane which brings me a memory of the movie, ‘Love Affair’ with Warren Beatty and Annette Bening. I saw it last year, a remake of the original, ‘An Affair to Remember’ starring Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant. The airplane, the diversion and the way we were drawn together—even some of the things we said to each other were similar.

  In the movie, the couple comes up with the idea to meet at a later date when their lives are ready to go forward. Perhaps, that’s what Boyd and I should do? If the plane hadn’t been diverted, I’d have left the plane, only remembering that an attractive man asked if he could call me in April. But the universe created the time for us to be together—so we’d be able to get to get to know one another enough to recognize our feelings—just like in the movie. Um, how interesting.

  I wonder if Boyd’s seen this movie? Okay, that’s what we should do. Put the whole thing on hold until April. It’s what Boyd asked to do in the first place. Therefore, this is the perfect solution. But obviously, he knew he wouldn’t be able to pursue a relationship—only he pursued me anyway—I am feeling confused again. We’ll must fight temptation, but it’s like a magnet’s pulling us to be together. As if we know, we’ll have to be apart before we can be together, but don’t want to admit it to ourselves or each other yet. Damn, this is difficult and why’s it happening at all and why in this way?

  After lunch, the phone rings. “Hi darlin’.”

  I respond, “Hi, where are you now?”

  “Atlanta—had a few moments and wanted to see how you are? Are you okay with me?”

  “I am getting ready to leave for an appointment—so don’t have much time.” I pace the hallway outside my kitchen while talking.

  “Okay, I won’t keep you but a minute. Natalie, I love you so much and this is tearing me apart. I don’t know what to do. Listen—listen to this song.” apparently he holds the phone out, so I can hear some song, but I can only hear muffled music. He asks, “Did you hear it—the song?”

  “No, couldn’t hear it at all.” As I ponder, he thinks of us when he hears love songs and his emotions are soaring. We both have so much romance in our hearts, either that, or we’re both just stupid.

  With disappointed, he responds, “Yeah, I guess you can’t hear it—was stupid to think that you could, but the song reminds me of you—of us.”

  I ask, “Have you seen the movie, ‘Love Affair’ staring Annette Bening and Warren Beatty?”

  “Don’t think so? I know most movies, but not that one. Why?”

  “While thinking about our situation this morning, this movie popped into my head and reminded me of us—of our situation. Two people meet on an airplane then fall in love with circumstances much like ours. It didn’t work for them to be together at that time because he was engaged to someone else, and she was involved with someone, too. He also had to get his career situation in order. So, they decided to meet in three months at the top of the Empire State building—when their lives would be able to go forward. Perhaps, that’s what we should do.”

  He states, “Remember, I asked you if I could call you in April after I’m divorced?”

  “Yes, of course, I remember. But the plane was diverted, I jumped out of the airplane into your arms then we got a car and...”

  “And we fell in love.”

  I confirm, “We fell in love.”

  He continues, “Just like in a movie and I love the way we met. It’s an adventure like the movie, ‘Romancing the Stone’. You know, Natalie—I do have the ability to be a lot like the character in that movie.”

  I respond, “Yeah, I recognize that—the airplane—the jump. We’re like romantic characters in a movie, but I want real life.”

  Boyd continues, “Remember at the end of ‘Romancing the Stone’—when he comes back to get her?”

  I answer, “Sure, I do. He tows a boat into the streets of New York. Then there she is, Joan Wilder, just ‘frumping’ along carrying her groceries and he pulls up in a yacht. It was so romantic. And you do realize, Boyd that she was a writer, like I am?”

  Chuckles, “There’s a side to me that’d do something like that.”

  I continue, “Well, I can handle that—it’d be fun! But you’ve got to see the movie, ‘Love Affair’.”

  He states, “Okay, we’ll watch it together.”

  I ask, “Maybe, we can watch it together this weekend?” Then fear overwhelms me and I ask, “Boyd, have you really filed for divorce?”

  Surprised, “What darlin’?”

  I press, “Have you really filed for divorced?”

  “Yes, of course, I have. Why do you ask this again?”

  “Well, think of the situation. I’d like to see the papers.”

  Upset, “What if I asked you to show me something like that—you’d go ballistic?”

  Calmly, “Um, No, no, I wouldn’t. I’d show them to you. Having nothing to hide, I’d show you anything you asked to see.” I continue pacing as I become more nervous.

  “Asking me this makes me feel that you don’t believe in me or trust me and it hurts me terribly.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you, but don’t want to be hurt either.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you, but I am not going to show you the divorce papers and I feel insulted that you even asked.”

  “Um, so you’ve not filed yet.”

  In a stressed and weary voice, “Yes, I have, Natalie. Yes, I have. I must go with my plans and am going forward.”

  “Well, I need to go now. I don’t want to be late for my appointment.” Knowing, my heart doesn’t feel right after this conversation.

  “Okay, I understand. I’ll call you later. I love you, Natalie.”

  “Have a good flight.”

  After hanging up, I feel confused and wonder—has he’s really filed for divorce? Only I can’t think about that right now, I need to focus on my book research.

  I continue thinking, perhaps, we can come to some reasonable solution. I feel suspicious, but I so want to believe. After he cancelled our plans for Saturday, I know beyond a doubt—what I already knew—that there’s no way, I can be involved with a married man. I’d end up hating myself and resenting him. I’d nag him about his divorce plans and our love would be diminished by my frustration. Our only hope is, if we can be strong enough to stay apart for six months, then we’ll have a chance to be together forever.

  The thought of not seeing him for six months hurts because it feels so good being together. Why did this wonderful feeling arrive so magically and now have to go away? I become overcome with the fear of losing this feeling of love. Will this go away like everything else in my life? Will this man turn out to be like all the others? I so hope not, but I will need to wait to find out.

  I go to aerobics that evening, then afterwards to eat my favorite chicken sandwich—then onto the grocery store. While putting groceries up, the phone rings. It’s Boyd, “Natalie, hi darlin’!”

  “Hi! So where are you now?”

  “Memphis.”

  “You’re some traveling man. You sound tired. What are you doing?”

  Boyd responds, “In a hotel room, reading a book written by the woman I love. Yes I’m tired, but wanted to give you a call before going to sleep because I miss you. What are you doing? I hear lots of noises.”

  “Putting up groceries and unloading the dishwasher.”

  “Oh, what are you wearing?”

  “I just took off my sweaty aerobic clothes and am wearing a white tee shirt, socks and my hair is in a p
onytail.”

  “Wow, wish I was there.”

  I reply, “No, you don’t. You know how horribly sweaty a person can get while working out?”

  “Sure, do.”

  “I’m a little sweat pig right now.”

  Boyd chuckles “Sounds good to me. I want to go to the grocery store with you and go with you to buy towels. I want to date you, take you to dinner, make love to you, fuck you and go to soccer games with you. I want to do everything with you and to you.”

  Embarrassed, I laugh, “Sounds interesting, but you’re making me blush.” As I ponder, the towel part sounds a bit boring, but all the other stuff sounds good. I’d rather buy towels on my own because I’m real picky about towels. I ask, “What do you think about my book and articles? Have you had time to read much yet?”

  “Just beginning, I’ve read the table of contents, your biography and a couple of your articles. You’ve certainly been through a lot, Miss Duncan. The story you wrote about your step-daughter is really something. I showed your photo to my co-pilot, the photo that’s pictured with the doll story—you’re wearing a white pants outfit with a low neckline. Do you remember?”

  “Yes. I don’t like that particular photo for that article. The publisher asked me to get one to her quickly. It was the only one that I had at the time to send and I was upset they put my whole body in the article. I was told that they would only use my head. The magazine’s printed in Mexico, so I had no control.”

  “Well, I like the photo and my co-pilot liked the photo, too. He said, she’s a real babe and nice cleavage, if you like that on a girl. I asked him, Well, where’d you want cleavage to be—on a man? So, the consensus is in—you’re a real babe.”

  I laugh, “A real babe, huh? Well, that’s nice to hear. Where do you fly tomorrow?” As I ponder, why would he care what his co-pilot thinks? Strange, he’s talking to others about me, since he’s still married and his wife works for the same airline. Um, so he wouldn’t be talking about me, if he really wasn’t getting a divorce, now would he?